Bad things, good people

Why is it that bad things happen to good people? You never hear of someone horrible getting their just desserts, do you?

I heard from a friend last night that her sister had a still born baby boy 2 weeks ago. She was 5 months along. They had been trying for a year, she was diagnosed with PCOS and had also had an ovarian cancer scare at the beginning of the pregnancy. She'd been off work for the duration of the pregnancy. She did everything she was told to, but it just wasn't meant to be.

Then I had a text from my friend Mrs Mc that just said "I'll largely be consuming alcohol this Christmas". She didn't get a sticky after her transfer. After 2 rounds of IVF, this embryo donation was their final stab at the pregnancy thing. I'm devastated for them both.

She's said that all her hopes are with me, now. Pressure or what!


Nothing to report

So, I haven’t really had anything to report, which has been why there’s been nothing on here for a while.

That’s not really changed, to be honest, but I was feeling a bit guilty about the lack of posts, hence this one.

It’s been 2 weeks since my blood tests, and the results should’ve been back last week. I haven’t called to check, because I don’t fully understand what they were testing for, so don’t know what results I want! We’re still waiting for Mr B’s appointment for the SA to come through, too, but that should be anytime this week. Well, the letter should be any time this week, not necessarily the appointment.

Once that’s all done, we’ll get an appointment together to get all of our results.

AF arrived on Friday, 36 days after her last visit, which was quite exciting. However, FF isn’t convinced that I actually ovulated, so that’s not quite so exciting…

It has been incredibly painful, though, so I’ve made a mental note to speak to the Dr about that when I finally get an appointment – there must be some sort of painkiller that they can prescribe!

I’ve had a bit of a mental breakthrough on the diet front. I realised that part of my problem was / is that I’m bored with what we’ve been eating. Since April, I’ve pretty much had meat and two veg for every meal, with no real variation.

I spoke to my diet advisor last week, and she told me that there’s no reason that I can’t make things like bolognaises, stews and that sort of thing. So, Saturday’s dinner was a quorn bolognaise, and yesterday I bunged a whole lot of veg and chicken boobs into the slow cooker for a tasty stew. De-lish!

I’m waiting to hear from my friend, too – I think her eggs were implanted a week and a bit ago. I really hope they’re sticky…

It seems I did have stuff to report, after all!!!


I didn't even get a sticker...

I've been for my blood tests this morning.

They took 4 vials of blood. With the third one, I actually heard the blood hitting the bottom of the bottle.

Not nice.

I asked for a sticker because I'd been brave, but wasn't allowed one.

I suppose I should learn to just suck it up - it's bound to get a lot worse from here on in!!


Tweet tweet!

I just joined twitter... I'm not entirely sure why, and I'm not sure that I'll use it, but if you want to follow me, I'm @Mrs_Bernie

Not that there's anything to see right now...!


Actual Outcome

So after a 45 minute wait at the surgery we finally got to see the doc yesterday.

I was petrified that she was going to laugh me out of the door, but as it happened my weight wasn't mentioned at all.

I have to go back for blood tests on Monday to test my Rubella status / hepatitis / AIDS and all that jazz.
She's said it's pointless trying to do a day 21 blood test, because how would we possibly begin to fathom where my day 21 is!?

Mr B has also booked another appointment to see her so that she can refer him for SA (sperm analysis) and he's going to see her on Saturday.

She said that the SA referral can be about 4/5 weeks, and the same again for getting the results back. Once all the results are back, we'll go from there. If the SA is all ok, it'll be a local gynea referral for lap and dye and clomid, if not a referral to a fertility clinic.

I feel really, really positive about it all. I feel like the ball has FINALLY started rolling, and because of that, I need to start properly sticking with the diet.

I feel like this is it, now - although the weight wasn't mentioned yesterday, it's going to be an issue somewhere down the line.

So, my target is to lose 8lbs by December 16th. That will be a total lost of 2stone.

I'm on it, like a car bonnet!!


Desired Outcome...

I can't help thinking about the Drs appointment we have this afternoon.

I'm trying not to, but it's looming ever closer and I'm getting progressively more nervous about it.

The truth is, I'm pretty scared that they're going to laugh in my face and tell me I'm too fat for anything.

I was talking to Mr B last night about what we'd like to get out of today's appointment.

We decided that we would like to get a referral to a fertility clinic, even if it is a way off in the future, with a weight loss target driven by them.

So, it would be great for them to say "we'll make you an appointment for May, but you need to lose at least 3 stone by then".

I think that will really motivate me.

I'm all about the deadlines, and if I know I've got an immoveable (is that even a word?!) one on the horizon, it'll keep me on track.

I'll let you know the actual outcome of the appointment later...

Wishes for the Fountain

It's not hard to guess what I was wishing for.

I've said before that I found the Trevi Fountain quite emotional - all those people throwing their hopes, dreams and coins into the fountain.


Doctor Doctor...

Mr B and I are going to the doctors on Tuesday to talk about TTC and how it's not really happening for us.

I'm a bit nervous.

Actually, that's a massive understatement.

I'm petrified.

It feels like, by going to the doctors, we're admitting that we're a failure.

I'm lucky that I was diagnosed a long time ago, so I've known for more than 10 years that having a baby wasn't going to be easy. But I suppose I haven't really believed until now. Until we're having to ask for help doing the thing that should be one of the most natural things.

Rome - St Peter's Square and Basilica

We went to the Basilica on our first afternoon.

We ended up going right to the top of the dome by accident. We started up a flight of stairs that, once we started, we couldn't turn round. There were over 300 of the damn steps - I don't like heights or enclosed spaces, so had a panic attack halfway up and couldn't appreciate the views.



Rome - Trevi Fountain

I found the Trevi Fountain really emotional.

People throw in coins and make a wish.

We sat and watched a few people throw their wishes to the fountain (and made some of our own, too) and it was just really sad.

Rome - The Food

We ate some DELICIOUS food while we were in Rome.

My favourite, by far, was the Taglietelle with Salmon that I had for dinner on Monday (top right).

It was like angels dancing on my taste buds!!


I'm back!

Mr B and I are back from a lovely weekend in Rome to celebrate our anniversary.

It was nice to get away, but tiring as we had so much to do in such a short space of time.

I will update you with my tales - probably in photo form - soon!


2 Years Ago...

I can't believe two years have already passed since Mr B and I said "I do".

Where has the time gone?! It feels like only yesterday.

I love you, Mr B.

Happy anniversary


Off the Wagon...

So I seem to have fallen spectacularly off the dieting wagon.

For some reason this week (and last week. And the week before that, if I'm honest!) I haven't really had the motivation to stick to the diet.

I haven't been to the gym for weeks and just can't seem to get my arse in gear.

I did, however, buy some new trainers at the weekend. In fact, Mr B bought them for me. They were a birthday present. A long overdue birthday present, considering my birthday was back in March, but whatever!

I think it's because I know I'm not going to reach my 4stoneby2012 target, and also because of going away this weekend. Mr B and I are spending our anniversary in Rome, and I know we'll be eating, drinking and generally being merry, and the diet will go (even further) out of the window.

The plan is that I will get back to the gym and back on the diet when we get back.

Whether that happens or not remains to be seen...


Universal Truths

This week I've realised that it doesn't matter where I work, some things will always be true:

  • People will always disagree about the temperature of the office - some will be sweating while others (me!) will want the windows open for a bit of air
  • There are always people that you just can't trust. You know that when you tell one person something, you're actually telling at least 3.
  • At least two people will watch (and talk incessantly about) shite TV. I honestly don't care about EastEnders, Hollyoaks or the X Factor, and I definitely don't want to be involved in the debates going on around any of the plot lines. They're TV programmes, not real life. (And, seriously, don't call ME a loser because I don't watch any soaps... Especially when you follow that with the sentence "I get really depressed on a Wednesday when EastEnders isn't on")
  • No-one gets my packing-early-for-a-holiday thing. I'm getting better - I go a week on Saturday and haven't packed (or written a list) yet, but I am getting panicked about it.
Actually, though, I think that all says more about me than the people I work with, doesn't it???


Under Pressure

I spent Saturday with my mum, shopping in London. I hadn't seen her for a few weeks, and it's awesome that she's finally back on her feet (literally!) after her operation in May. The physio doesn't think she'll actually be back at work for another month, but that's another story....

We got to talking about how my diet is going, and I told her how I was really disappointed in myself (have you noticed the significant lack of diet posts of late!?) that I hadn't lost as much weight as I'd set out to lose.

I made no secret of the fact that I wanted to lose 4stoneby2012. It's also no secret that I'm nowhere near that target - I should have lost 3stone by now, when in fact I've only lost one and a half. I'm mad and frustrated with myself. I'm pissed off that I don't have more willpower.

Mum told me that she thought part of my problem is that I put too much pressure on myself all the time - pressure to lose 4 stone before the end of the year. Pressure to pass my driving test before the end of the year. Pressure to find a new job. Pressure to get pregnant.

She's right.

I do put a lot of pressure on myself all the time. I set myself up to fail, to be upset and to berate myself over it.

And I need to stop doing it.

I need to start being happier with where I'm at. Happy that I'm a stone and a half lighter than I was in April. Happy that I'm having good driving lessons every week. Happy that I have a job, unlike a lot of people at the moment. Happy that I have a husband that loves me, baby or not.


So Exciting!!

Last week I met up with my friend, Mrs Mc, for a drink and a catch up.

Mrs Mc and her hubby have been trying for a baby since their wedding in 2007, with no joy. They went through all the tests, and discovered that Mr Mc's spermies weren't too healthy, so started IVF.

Whilst having the IVF treatment, they discovered that Mrs Mc wasn't producing eggs anymore, despite the fact that she's not menopausal and she still bleeds.

They've been on a waiting list for the past 2 years for a suitable egg donor. Once they have the donor, the egg will be "fertilised" with Mr Mc's sperm and transferred to Mrs Mc's womb, where hopefully it'll stick and be a baby Mc.

Mrs Mc and I are really open about out TTC struggles - I had a good ol' weep at her when we met up last week, actually - and she's probably the only person I have (IRL) that gets it. And possibly vice versa for her, too.

Anyway, I asked her how things were going and what the latest was, and she told me that


She's currently on treatment to get her cycle in sync with her donors but, all being well, the transfer should happen at the end of November. 
She could be almost 6 weeks pregnant by Christmas.

She actually knows, roughly, what her EDD is, and she's not even pregnant yet - how crazy is that?!

Oh, and it might be twins....

I am so fricking excited for them. Usually, the thought of one of my friends having a baby fills me with jealousy, but I'm honestly over the moon for them. I think because I know what a mission it's been for them.

I know there are still a lot of ifs, buts, maybes and obstacles that they have to face, but my fingers are firmly crossed for them.
And I've been promised lots of baby cuddles, too!



So, I've been a bit absent for the past couple of weeks.

Don't worry, I've still be reading all your exploits - I just don't really have any of my own to report.

I'm hoping to have something nice, inspirational and exciting to say soon, though...


10 Positive Things

Before I went on holiday I attended a work conference.

There was a guest speaker there, who asked us to list 10 positive things that had happened to us that day. They didn't need to be big things, just good things that had happened.

I couldn't do it (I made it to 4 in the time we were given!). She told us to try to do it at the end of every day for the next 21 days (because, if you do something every day for 21 days it becomes habit).

So, I've started to think about it when laid in bed in the evening - no matter how bad a day you've had, there's always room for some positivity.

Here's my list from yesterday:

1. My morning hug from Mr B
2. The rain stopping before I left the house
3. Having a cup of coffee made for me when I got to work
4. Eating a sneaky Roses chocolate
5. Finding a fiver at the bottom of my bag
6. Having a great driving lesson
7. Chilling out at home watching trash on the TV
8. Catching up with some blogging
9. Catching up with my friend
10. Having an early night.

What would your 10 positive things be?


400 posts = a whole new look!

I realised after my last post that I've hit 400 posts!

I can't quite believe it.

Thank you to everyone who sticks with me and reads my useless drivel - thanks even more to those of you who comment, encourage, and support me.

This blog is a great little outlet for me - I know most of my ramblings mean nothing to you readers, but it's a great outlet for me.

Anyway, I thought it was about time to have a refreshing change to mark the monumental 401st post!



I recently entered a photo competition on a hotel website.

We've stayed at a couple of Hand Picked Hotels, and I registered for their newsletter. The competition asked for a captioned photo from one of their venues, with the top prize (as voted for on Facebook) won dinner bed and breakfast at one of the hotels.

I didn't really think anything of it, but though it worth a go.

I entered this photo:

With the caption DIRTY WEEKEND.

The competition closed today but I wasn't lucky enough to win the overnight stay - my photo got 2 facebook votes compared to the winner's 990! - but I did get the Judges' choice, which means I get dinner for two at one of their hotels.

I'm super chuffed!!

So Sad...

I'm a crier.

I cry a lot - when I'm sad, happy, angry or tired.

This week, I'm super tired. I think I'm missing the lazy days and regular siestas from last week.

I'm also a thinker. I over think things sometimes.

So, because I'm tired and thoughtful this week, I ended up having a cry last night.

I'd convinced myself I was a bad wife - I didn't want to cook dinner, I hadn't moved from the sofa after getting in from work, and (shock horror!) I still haven't finished unpacking my suitcase.

Mr B assured me that none of the above makes me a bad wife. I didn't believe him, so I got straight into the kitchen to rustle him up some dinner... a boiled egg sarnie!


And relax...

Sorry for the recent lack of posts.

I'd gone back to not really feeling it, but also had a week's holiday last week.

Me, Mr B and a beach.

It was bliss.

Already I feel like it was ages ago, and I only got back early yesterday morning.

I've got lots to catch up on, and while blog posts is one of those things, it's not all that high on the list. I'll be back as soon as, though.

BTW - I can't seem to be able to comment on my comments at the moment, so thanks to the folks that have commented recently.



I try, really hard, to be happy for people when they announce their pregnancies.

I try, really hard, to smile and be happy for them.

I try, I really do.

Back in June when my friend an ex-colleague told me about her pregnancy despite having always said that she didn't want children, I gave her the benefit of the doubt - maybe she'd said she didn't want children because actually she was desperate for them, and knew she was going to have problems conceiving. 

Maybe, by denying she wanted them, she was putting a barrier between her and the heartache involved in TTC. 

So, she's now 6 months on, and I saw these two posts on facebook yesterday:

Followed by:
Are you actually being serious!?

Do you have any idea how many people would give their arm and leg to have an expensive child?

Do you have any idea how much some people crave the sickness, the back ache, the clothes not fitting and everything else about your magical journey that you're complaining about?

I've really had to restrain myself from posting something on there that I might regret.

I may not be able to do it much longer if she carries on, though.

As a result of these posts, I've decided that perhaps she wasn't just saying she didn't want children. Maybe she genuinely doesn't want children. Maybe this baby was an accident.


Fricking Fertiles...

I mentioned last week that my colleague is pregnant. She's just over 3 months gone, and understandably very excited.

I preferred when it was a secret, but whatever. That's just me being mean, jealous, spiteful and selfish.

Anyway, I overheard her talking to my manager today. My manager's friend had to have IVF to conceive her first baby (who I think is less than a year old) and she's just found out she's pregnant again. It happened naturally, and totally wasn't planned.

Obviously, this has happened because she was "relaxed" about it....

Pregnant Colleague: "I really think you need to just get on with it. Y'know, don't worry about it, don't stress over it, and it'll happen. I mean, I know we didn't have any problems or anything, but I really believe that's the best way to do it"

Manager: "I think you're absolutely right. The more relaxed you are about it, the easier it is".

Seriously?! Try being relaxed and not stressing about it after you've been trying for nearly two years, and see how easy it is for you then.


The Joys of PCOS - Part 6

Weight problems – being overweight, rapid weight gain, difficulty losing weight.
Me, 2000

It would be really easy for me to write a whole post about how I'm fat, and it's not my fault (in fact, there's a post just like that in my drafts...), but that's not true.

It is true that I'm fat.
 It is true that part of that is due to my PCOS.

It's also true that some of the difficulties I face in losing weight are because of my PCOS.

But a lot of it is down to the choices I've made, too. The foods I ate, the exercise I haven't done, and the education I didn't give myself earlier on.

If I could, I'd like to go back ten years and tell myself that I'm not actually that fat. That although I'm overweight, it's manageable. And to do a bit of reading up about PCOS and how it affects weight / weight gain.

 I was reading some of my old diaries last week. In January 2003 I wrote that one of my new year's resolutions was to "be 12 stone before the end of the year".

At the beginning of 2005, it was to be 15 stone. In fact, by December 2005, I actually tipped the scales at 20stone and 4lbs.

I don't remember ever weighing 12 stone. I don't remember ever weighing 15 stone. I don't remember weighing anything in between.

I remember wearing size 14 / 16 clothes (the last time probably in 2002).
I remember buying a pair of size 26 trousers (in Evans in Northampton, November 2005), but I don't really remember anything in between.

April 2005
 When I think of myself between leaving school and now, I've always been this size. Size fat. Somewhere between 17 and a half and 20 stone.

It was quite sad last week when I read through my diaries and realised that, in the space of 8 years, I'd gained 8 stone.

I told Mr B about what I'd read. It made me sad to think that I'd thought I was horribly fat back in 2003 - if only I'd known then what I know now!

He pointed out to me that if I'd been that weight before, I could be that weight again.

There was nothing to stop me being 15 stone again. Nothing to stop me being that weight, and enjoying it this time.

December 2005
 There's also nothing to stop me being 12 stone again. Getting into a size 14/16 outfit and appreciating what that means, instead of worrying that I'm the fattest of all my friends.
So, that's my plan.
PCOS might not make it easy for me to lose weight, but I've been there before, and I'll damn well get there again.
I know I'll never look as youthful as I did in 2000 (top pic), but I'd love to have that jaw line again!

April 2008

August 2011

December 2010
As you can probably tell, my hair changes A LOT. Maybe it's to distract from all the fat going on underneath?!

Argh! Frustrating!

I have ideas for posts, but no time to write them.
The only time I do have time is when I'm at work because I don't actually have any work to do. But when I'm at work, I sit next to my manager so can't blog. Until she's in meetings. Like now. So this is just a super-quick update.

I didn't get the job. Apparently I interviewed well, and there's no real feedback on that side of things, but they had someone else apply who was more suited and had more relevant experience. Whatever. I would've been awesome at that job, but they'll never know that.

My weight stayed the same last week, which was ok because I know I actually lost 4lbs between Monday and Friday. Finger's crossed for more of the same this week!
I have had a bit of an attitude change with the diet, too, though - which will be a seperate post.

I've got less than 2 weeks until I go on holiday. I really can't wait to spend a week with Mr B, a good book and a pool. I don't care if it rains all week, I just don't want to be here.

There'll be more soon, I promise - just need to find time to sit at my computer and write!


Thoughtful Thursday

It's been a while since I've done one of these, but I saw this recently and thought it was worth sharing:



"...and it just happened!!"

A colleague at work announced this morning that she's 3 months pregnant.

I've suspected for a while - she's stopped smoking and drinking, been to the Drs a lot, stopped eating mayo and sea food, and someone else mentioned her "condition"... all the time she thought she was being secret squirrel and she was in fact super obvious.

Anyway, I'd sort of prepared myself for the announcement and thought it might be coming today.

What I hadn't prepared for, though, was her saying that she and her OH had decided to start trying, and she fell pregnant the first month. "It just happened!" she said "It's so exciting, and it happened really quickly".


I also wasn't prepared for the reaction of my other colleagues. I've just been asked whether it makes me broody and want a baby.

No, actually.

Because I've wanted a baby and been broody since I was 17.

I've been charting my temperature and obsessing over cervical mucus for months.

And Mr B and I have been at it like rabbits for almost 2 years in our quest to make a baby, with no joy.

So no, this announcement doesn't make me feel broody or want to try for a baby.

It makes me want to cry.

A lot.


She called...

Not all of the interviews happened as planned last week, so they still haven't made a decision.

She hopes to be able to update by the middle of the week.

My patience will be shot by then!!!

I chased...

...She was in a meeting

...So I'm still waiting!

To chase or not to chase, that is the question?!

So, I still haven't heard back from the interview last Tuesday.

My impatience is at an all time high. I think it comes from being so incredibly bored at my actual job, too though. It's 10.45, and I've got two things to do before 4pm this afternoon. I'm so horrendously bored, unmotivated, and unchallenged, it's unreal.

So now my predicament is whether to call and chase them about it and find out what's going on or not.

Part of me thinks that as she told me she'd get back to me by the end of the week, I should chase.

Another part thinks that I should just kick back and wait until they get back to me, because I don't want to come across as being weirdly pushy about it.

BUT I'm not pushy, I'm just keen.

I really want the job.

And I'm not good at waiting!!!


Wedding Dress Shopping

My friend, L, gets married next September.

I'm so excited for her, but she was getting super stressed about the dress. She's quite fuller figured, and worried that she wouldn't be able to find a dress that she liked and that looked nice.

So, I convinced her to go wedding dress shopping to see what she could find. It wasn't about finding THE dress, it was about finding A dress for now, so that she knew there was a "back up plan" for if she doesn't lose the weight she wants to lose before buying THE dress.

As I was on my way to meet her, I had a flashback to the day my mum and I went shopping for my dress. I've written about my dress before, of course, I've never really thought about the day I went shopping.

Like L, when I went wit mum the first time it was about finding A dress, not THE dress. My plan had been to have Mr B's mum with us when we went in search of THE dress, but that's not quite how it worked out.

My dress was the second one that I tried on. Although I knew deep down it was THE dress, I spent the rest of the day worrying about it. I cried over lunch with my mum because I was convinced I'd made my decision too soon. (1st shop, 2nd dress - that's scarily quick, right!?). But, by the time I'd left the second shop that afternoon, nothing was comparing to THE dress.

I had to convince myself a little bit that it was ok to have made such a massive decision so quickly.

And L has had pretty much the same experience. She's found her dress when she didn't expect to. It's everything she thought she DIDN'T want, but it looked lush, and she's super happy with it.

I, on the other hand, am very jealous of her, being at the beginning of her wedding journey when I'm 2 years away from mine.

I'd do it all over again if I had a chance, and I wouldn't change a thing.


Weekly Weigh in...

I lost two pounds this week!

I think it's probably the stress of waiting to hear about this bloody job as much as anything, but it's 2lbs all the same.

I feel like I'm back on track (but don't want to say that too loud, just in case!) and writing stuff down is definitely helping.

I've got a busy weekend ahead, which I think might impact this week's diet - I'm fake wedding dress shopping with my friend in the day tomorrow, and then I'm off to a fancy dress 40th birthday party tomorrow (as an Angel, no less!).

I want to get to the gym on Sunday, in the hope that I can get the exercise side of things back on track, too.

I'm still crossing my fingers about the job, too!



I had an interview on Tuesday for a job that was MADE for me.

It went well (I think!), and I'm really interested.

But I'm impatient to find out now... I should know before the end of the week.

Every time my phone rings, I get a bit excited, and then disappointed again.


New Focus

I’ve been a bit off-kilter with the diet of late. I’ve been hovering around the 1st 4lb loss mark for a couple several weeks now, and it’s frustrating me no end.

It’s also the cusp of me dropping into another weight bracket, too, and I feel like it’s a bit of a mental barrier that I’m struggling to get over.

The annoying thing is that I know the diet works. I know I can lose the weight if I stick to it. And I know I feel better when I do.

But for some reason I just can’t seem to stick with it at the moment.

I think part of my problem is that I’ve got used to the diet – I don’t need to keep checking what I’m supposed to be having, so it’s easier for me to cheat (she says, munching on a chocolate cookie – WTF?!).

So, this week, I’ve decided that I’m going to complete a food diary, for the first time since I started this diet. I’m hoping that, if it’s written down, I will be more aware of what I’m eating, and how I’m going to do.

I haven’t been to aerobics for about a month, either, and that’s frustrating too, as I was really enjoying it. I actually booked the class yesterday but ended up cancelling because I was tired.

I’m so lame.


Back in the groove?

I think I'm finally getting my mojo back...

I've had a few flashes of bloggy inspiration, but no time to put pen to paper (although that should be fingers to keys!).

It was my Pap's 80th birthday in the week, and we had a bit of a family gathering for him. Not everyone was there (there's some politics involved in that!), but this picture is me (far right), my grandparents and a few of my cousins. There are 13 of us in total, so we were a bit lacking.

I love that my Grandma doesn't seem aware that we're all pulling faces and my brother (next to me) is doing his best catalogue pose!

We drank, we ate, and we were very merrry - and we all agreed we don't do it often enough, which probably means we do!!!


Bad Blogger...

I know I haven't really blogged for a couple of weeks, but I haven't really been feeling it.

Hoping to get my mojo back soon, though, and I'll be back when I do....


The Joys of PCOS


One of the Joys of PCOS that really affects me is depression and mood changes.
To say my moods have peaks and troughs is probably one of the biggest understatements EVER! I seem to constantly live in a state of PMS, and poor Mr B rarely knows whether he's coming or going.

I've actually been diagnosed with depression twice - once 6 years ago, when Mr B and I were looking to buy a house and I was unhappy at work; and then again 2 years ago in the run up to our wedding - but I think I also had it in my second year at college back in 2002.

I have a good idea when things are getting bad, and I tend to be able to shake it off - either with a good cry, a bit of me time, or by getting to the gym and working it out of my system. But I do live in a constant fear that I'll end up ill again - that I'll end up taking pills, reliant on medical help to feel happy again.

And there is so much stigma linked with things like depression and mental health. Personally, I'll talk to anyone that wants to listen about my issues! It's a part of me, and what makes me tick. It's not always pretty and it's not always nice, but it's part of what makes me me. I don't want sympathy. I don't want mollycoddling, and I don't want to be pandered to, but I do want someone to listen, not judge me, and let me cry on their shoulder every now and then.

My moods are obviously affected by other things going on around me. At the moment, for example, I'm having a bit of a tough time. I feel lonely. I feel like I'm a disappointment to Mr B and my family. I feel like I'm letting myself down with my diet. I miss my family.

But I know it all boils down to the fact that I'm not happy at work. So, in turn, I know that if I fix that, a lot of my other "issues" will sort themselves out.

And, in the meantime, a bloody good cry helps, too!


It's not like you've got children to worry about...

First off, sorry for being a quiet last week - don't really know why, just didn't really have much to say, I guess.

Two of my friends are leaving the UK to go travelling at the beginning of September. They'll be gone for a year, and will visit Thailand, Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia and Australia. It's going to be an amazing adventure for them both.

On Friday they had their work leaving do (not only are they a couple, they're stupid enough to work together, too!), and invited me along. I wasn't too keen on going, as I haven't seen most of my old colleagues since I left at Christmas, but knew if I didn't go on Friday, there was little chance of me seeing them before they left.

In all, it wasn't too bad - it reminded me that the majority of the people I worked with were (are) absolute idiots, and also reminded me that I could do better work-wise, but other than that, it was fine, and quite nice to catch up with some of them.

As I was leaving, though, my old manager (who actually doesn't work there anymore because she left to have children, but is married to one of the directors) expressed how jealous she was of our travelling friends. "I'd love to go and see the world, but we've got the kids now", she said, looking all sorry for herself. "Why don't you and Mr B go, though? It's not like you've got children to worry about or anything".

I floundered about a bit, and told her that travelling for a year just didn't interest me (it doesn't) and that I couldn't think of anything worse (I can't) but good luck to those that want to do it.

But her comment stung a bit. Especially considering that she's someone that I had quite a few conversations with about my wanting children and the difficulties facing us in getting them. AND knowing that she herself had to have IVF to get her children made it feel a bit weird, too - they chose to have the treatments they had to have their children, so why then look so downcast about now being tied to the UK  and not being able to travel the way she'd like?

It didn't much make sense.

But, I wish my travelling friends all the best for their adventure. I will miss them both, but can't wait to read all about their adventures along the way.


Weekly Weigh in

In order to hit my 4stoneby2012 target, I should be showing a 2stone total loss by today.

That hasn't happened.

I weighed this morning and I had


I’m not completely surprised by it, though. I haven’t really stuck to the diet this week, and I’ve had horrible constipation, too – I don’t think I’ve really been to the toilet since Sunday (Am I taking the sharing too far with that information?!).

I’ve also managed to (sort of) convince myself that I’m pregnant. Until this morning, Fertility Friend was telling me that I was 18DPO, with a temp that was steadily increasing. Mr B and I had decided that we’d wait until I was home from visiting my mum before we tested. That’s on Sunday, so I’m waiting till then.

This morning, though, fertility friend changed my ov date to 4 days ago, which means I’m now 4DPO, with little chance of actually getting a BFP because we haven’t really DTD this week. I’m still going to test on Sunday, though, and see how I get on.

I’m probably not going to be great today and tomorrow because I’m at mum’s, so once I know what the deal is cycle wise, I will get back on it with the diet. I still have just enough time to get to the 4stonby 2012 target if I’m super good, super focussed and super active.


Jewellery latest

Mum has been making jewellery for weeks.

We've actually made a profit with what we've sold, too.

We're going to look at setting up a folksy shop to sell some stuff.



Almost three weeks ago, Mr B and I went to Tiffany's to buy some charms for my bracelet.

We spent a fair amount of money - although definitely not their biggest spenders, for us, it was a lot of money.

They told me that it would take 2 weeks for the charms to be added, and then they'd call me to confirm that it was being posted, and that would take another 3-5 days.

I was expecting to have heard from them by now - at least a confirmation that it was on it's way back to me.

So, I called to chase them. It turns out the work isn't finished yet. It won't be finished until the 5th August. Which means by the time it's posted back to me, it's likely to be closer to 4 weeks before I get it back.

It's not the end of the world, but it is really frustrating. I guess I sort of expected better service from Tiffany. I was obviously wrong.

I was hoping to have the bracelet back before I go and see my folks at the weekend - I wanted to show my dad what I'd spent my Nanna's money on.

Now it'll have to wait. 


The Joys of PCOS

Ah, one of the joys that affects every single day of my life is unwanted facial or body hair (hirsutism).

I didn't start suffering with facial hair (well, not unless you count a bit of dark hair on my upper lip, which I don't, really), until I came off of the pill at 16/17. Then, it just sprouted.

I didn't really know how to deal with it, but did end up feeling like the bearded lady.

I knew I didn't want to shave it - I felt masculine enough having a hairy chin without shaving it every day - but bleaching it didn't really disguise it, either. And people told me that it wasn't really noticeable, so I tried not to worry too much.

It wasn't until I came back from New York and saw this picture that I realised people were outright lying to me - it WAS noticeable, and I really should do something about it!

That's when I plucked up the courage to start waxing. For me, the most embarrassing part about it was having to ask someone to do it. I was so self conscious that I even had to ask my mum to leave the room while I spoke to the beautician about it.

It was the best thing I ever did. I hadn't realised quite how much it was affecting my day to day life and my self confidence until I wasn't faced with it every time I looked in the mirror.

About three years ago someone recommended laser hair removal to me, so I decided to give it a go. I know it works wonders for some women, and the hair goes completely, but after 14 months and almost £650, it became clear that it wasn't anywhere near working for me.

In fact, almost two years on since I stopped having the treatment, I can honestly say that it's worse now than before I had the laser hair removal. The hair seems thicker and more persistent, it seems to grow quicker, and I DEFINITELY have hair in places I never had hair before (my cheeks are particularly bad now). Instead of waxing once a month, I now have to do it every two weeks, and that's at a push which usually leaves me feeling a bit self conscious for the last couple of days.

The hair elsewhere on my body isn't too bad - although I can shave my underarms almost every day, and my legs every other day, but I don't know whether that's normal or not!

I'm lucky that Mr B doesn't notice. And I honestly believe that. Even when I point it out to him, he struggles to see.

In an ideal world, I'd like to be rid of the hair forever. Or at least that on my face - the rest I can deal with!

I'm not sure that that's ever going to happen though, so for now, I just make do with my wax!


The Love of my Life

Thanks to the SITS website, I found Sarah Ruth's blog today. I read her post about her wonderful hubby, and was inspired to tell you all a bit more about the man I call mine.

We "met" 10 years ago this month. Our first contact was via a mutual friend - the internet - in a chat room. It started off as a few words exchanged (if I'm honest, there was a bit of flirting there, too!).

When we first started chatting he told me he was 26 - 9 years older than me, which didn't worry me too much. I didn't see that it was an issue - nothing was going to happen, he was just someone I was talking to online to pass the time when I should've been doing college work.

It soon became apparent, though, that things were a bit more serious than that. That's when he decided that he should fess up about his REAL age. It turned out that he was 30, while I was 17. That put a bit of a spanner in the works, and I told him that I needed to think about what that meant.

We had no contact for a few days, and that's when I realised I didn't care how old he was - I missed him when we weren't in touch.

We exchanged numbers and email addresses, and chatted almost constantly until we eventually agreed to meet in the November.

I'll be honest - if I'd met him in any other circumstance, I wouldn't have looked twice at him. He was everything that I wasn't attracted to - older, receding hairline, not much fashion sense, short and stocky (at the time I was really into tall and lanky!). But, he stole my heart. There's a song by Savage Garden with the line "I knew I loved you before I met you", and that's how I've always felt about him.

We were a "secret" couple for 12 months - one of my friends knew about us, but that was all. We felt that the distance (120 miles), the age gap (13 years, in the end) and the fact that we met online were enough reasons for people to tell us that it'd never work, and we wanted to be sure that we could prove them wrong before we went public.

I told my mum two days after our 1st anniversary. To say she was disappointed that I'd lied to her was an understatement, but she got over it.

It was lovely to be able to talk about him, introduce him to my friends, be a proper couple.

We went to New York for my 21st birthday, in March 2005, and he proposed on our last night there. 4 months later we bought our house, and a month later we moved in. Considering the longest we'd ever spent together was a week on holiday, it was a bit of a shock to the system, but we coped.

On the 7th November this year we will have been married for two years. The 10th of November this year marks 10 years since we first set eyes on each other.

I can't believe it's been 10 years - it feels like yesterday. I can't imagine my life without him in it, and thank him every day for making me who I am.

He really is my better half.

He's not a big fan of the whole blogging thing,
hence just a few sneaky peeks of him!


Weekly Weigh in...

Today's weigh in yielded a...


I'm now one stone 4lbs lighter than I was at the beginning of my mission to lose weight.

I also measured myself last night and found that I've lost 11" in the past three months!! Three and a half of those were from my waist!

This week, I managed to go to the gym AND aerobics, so I'm sure that's helped the cause, too.

I'm so pleased to be back on track with it all.

Yay me!


I can't keep doing it...

I always thought that I would do whatever I needed to do to earn money (well, within reason, obviously).

If it meant that I worked in a supermarket stacking shelves in order for us to have enough money to pay the mortgage, that's what I'd do.

When I gave up my job in December, I didn't know what I wanted to do next.

I didn't know what sort of job I wanted, I just knew that I didn't want to be doing what I was doing anymore, and I certainly didn't want to be doing it in London. I'd been there for five and a half years, had gone as far as I was going to go, and couldn't see a clear line of progression for me.

I started my new job in February. The agency that I got the job through told me it would be a varied, busy role, with lots of contact with regular customers. A customer service role, but with a bit of selling involved, too. On the phone, chatting to people, building relationships.

The agency lied.

The job isn't customer service, and there sure as hell isn't ANY selling involved. It's a data entry job. It's a mindless job. It's a school leavers job. I hardly ever speak to anyone. If I do, it's to ask them to resend their fax because it hasn't come through properly.

That said, the money is good, and the perks are amazing. But there's no responsibility, and I know that when I leave at 4.45 every evening, I won't think about or stress over anything. Hell, I hardly think or stress over anything while I'm there, so I'm definitely not going to do it when I'm at home!

The trouble is, I don't care enough. I don't care if the order has been fulfilled properly. I don't care if the delivery has arrived, and whether the stock that's delivered is the right stuff or not.

So now I'm thinking that I need to change jobs. Again.

But I don't know what to.

The difficulty is that most people make their career choices when they're between 16 and 18. I had no idea what I wanted to do at that age. I hardly have any idea what I want to do now, if I'm honest! Mr B, on the other hand, knew he wanted to be an accountant. So, he left school, got a job at an accountancy firm, studied for his exams and has been really successful at what he does. He's been doing it for over 20 years. He enjoys it. He has a career.

I never made a career choice at that age. I think that some of that comes from the fact that I was diagnosed with PCOS at the same sort of time. From the point of diagnosis (or more accurately, from the point of being told that I might never have children) my sole ambition has been to be a mummy. Everything else - work, social life, everything - was all just a stop gap between then and me getting pregnant.

So I didn't go to university. I didn't specialise in any particular sort of job. I've worked in a shop, a post room, in telesales for a newspaper, as an office manager for a team building company, and now as a customer service exec data entry clerk.

I don't even know what my magic wand job would be.

But I do know:  
  • I want to be challenged
  • I want what I do to matter
  • I want to deal with PEOPLE, not faxes and emails (although I happy to have a telephone between me and said people!)
  • I want to use my brain
  • I want progression - I'd like to end up managing people - helping other people achieve what they want to achieve makes me feel happy
Any ideas what I should do?!


The Joys of PCOS

One of the actual joys of PCOS is the Verity Website, particularly the discussion boards.

The boards are full of lots of lovely ladies who all suffer with have PCOS.

Through speaking with them online and asking questions, I've learnt that I'm not the only one.

I'm not the only one who struggles every times someone else announces their pregnancy.

I'm not the only one that struggles to resist all those beautiful carbs (Is there anything better in this world than fresh white bread?! I doubt it).

I'm not the only one whose moods swing from high to low.

I've used the Verity website for help, support, friendship and laughter a lot over the past few years.

They are truly inspirational women.

If I need someone to keep me on track with my diet, there's someone there to help me.

If I need someone to tell me that I will one day be a mummy, there's someone there to tell me that.

Or, if I need some ideas for a fancy dress party, there's LOTS of people to help with that, too!

The boards, and the women on them, really are a joy of PCOS.


This Beautiful Life...

I'm not someone that really enjoys shopping.

The thought of a Saturday afternoon traipsing around the shops just doesn't appeal to me. For me, shopping is best done from the comfort of my own living room, with a cuppa and a computer.

Having said that, there is something totally satisfying about a good bargain. A good bargain is about the only thing that makes a shopping spree for me.

And yesterday, I had a couple of great bargains.

I got this jacket in the Next Sale.

I've been looking for a summer-weight coat / jacket for a while, and this one was in the sale and just seemed to be calling my name.

It was £60 before the sale, and £30 in the sale. BUT I had a £20 voucher left over from my birthday (in March!) so I only actually had to pay £10 for it.

I also got a long black skirt for work. I HATE paying full price for anything for work clothes, so it was a result that I managed to get a skirt for £12, instead of £25.



Rules for Fulfilment

I've juest read this article about Paul Flanagan, a man who found out he was terminally ill and, before his death, set everything in order for his wife and two small children.

His wife recently found this list that he had written for his children. Seems to me, that his riles for finding fulfilment are relavent for everyone, not just his children.


Be courteous, be punctual, always say please and thank you, and be sure to hold your knife and fork properly. Others take their cue on how to treat you from your manners.

Be kind, considerate and compassionate when others are in trouble, even if you have problems of your own. Others will admire your selflessness and will help you in due course.

Show moral courage. Do what is right, even if that makes you unpopular. I always thought it important to be able to look at myself in the shaving mirror every morning and not feel guilt or remorse. I depart this world with a pretty clear conscience.

Show humility. Stand your ground but pause to reflect on what the other side are saying, and back off when you know you are wrong. Never worry about losing face. That only happens when you are pig-headed.

Learn from your mistakes. You will make plenty so use them as a learning tool. If you keep making the same mistake or run into a problem, you’re doing something wrong.

Avoid disparaging someone to a third party; it is only you who will look bad. If you have a problem with someone, tell them face to face.

Hold fire! If someone crosses you, don’t react immediately. Once you say something it can never be taken back, and most people deserve a second chance.

Have fun. If this involves taking risks, so be it. If you get caught, hold your hands up.

Give to charity and help those who are less fortunate than yourselves: it’s easy and so rewarding.

Always look on the upside! The glass is half full, never half empty. Every adversity has a silver lining if you seek it out.

Make it your instinct always to say ‘yes’. Look for reasons to do something, not reasons to say no. Your friends will cherish you for that.

Be canny: you will get more of what you want if you can give someone more of what they desire. Compromise can be king.

Always accept a party invitation. You may not want to go, but they want you there. Show them courtesy and respect.

Never ever let a friend down. I would bury bodies for my friends, if they asked me to . . . which is why I have chosen them carefully.

Always tip for good service. It shows respect. But never reward poor service. Poor service is insulting.

Always treat those you meet as your social equal, whether they are above or below your station in life. For those above you, show due deference, but don’t be a sycophant.

Always respect age, as age equals wisdom.

Be prepared to put the interests of your sibling first.

Be proud of who you are and where you come from, but open your mind to other cultures and languages. When you begin to travel (as I hope you will), you’ll learn that your place in the world is both vital and insignificant. Don’t get too big for your breeches.

Be ambitious, but not nakedly so. Be prepared to back your assertions with craftsmanship and hard work.

Live every day to its full: do something that makes you smile or laugh, and avoid procrastination.

Give of your best at school. Some teachers forget that pupils need incentives. So if your teacher doesn’t give you one, devise your own.

Always pay the most you can afford. Never skimp on hotels, clothing, shoes, make-up or jewellery. But always look for a deal. You get what you pay for.

Never give up! My two little soldiers have no dad, but you are brave, big-hearted, fit and strong. You are also loved by an immensely kind and supportive team of family and friends. You make your own good fortune, my children, so battle on.

Never feel sorry for yourself, or at least don’t do it for long. Crying doesn’t make things better.

Look after your body and it will look after you.

Learn a language, or at least try. Never engage a person abroad in conversation without first greeting them in their own language; by all means ask if they speak English!

And finally, cherish your mother, and take very good care of her.


Weekly Weigh In

I had a week off the diet last week, so it's been two weeks sinced I weighed "officially" and I


Which was about what I was hoping for.

That said, I did a sneaky unofficial weigh in last Thursday and I'd gained 3lbs on Thursday morning. I then ate and drank an incredible amoung on Thursday, Friday and Saturday, so I'm pretty sure I'd gained at least another 3lbs between Thursday morning and Monday morning.

So to have stayed the same when I weighed in this morning was pretty impressive, because I lost at least 3lbs.

Go me!


To do list - Update

Last year, I wrote a to do list.

It's not something I've really looked at for a while, although all of the things on it have remained in my head and a focus of mine.

AND I've just started with another one of my list, too...

I just booked a driving lesson for a week on Saturday!

I haven't had a lesson for a good couple of years, so I'm pretty nervous (already!!) but I've booked with a lady instructor who, on the phone, seems really nice.

I'm going to try and book lessons with another two instructors, too, because I'm going to spensd a lot of time and money with them, and I need to know that I get on with them.

Not like the last instructor I had, who was a complete loser.

My aim is to have this driving thing nailed before the end of the year.

I told myself at the beginning of the year that 2011 was going to be MY year, and so far, so good. I've stopped smoking (almost 8 months now, don'tcha know!), started losing weight, started exercising again AND booked a driving lesson.

I just need a BFP to round it all off, now...

I'll keep you posted (and perhaps update my to do list, too!)


They're everywhere...

I'm obviously talking about babies.

It seems that, at the moment, they're everywhere.

I have three friends on Face.Book that have just had their second baby and two others that have just announced their pregnancies.

A guy at work is expecting his first baby, and another woman is due to become a grandmother at the end of the year. And I'm pretty sure that one of the other women at work is pregnant, too. Which means I've got the joys of her ever-growing bump and pregnancy symptoms for the next few months.

I sound really bitter and twisted, don't I?

I'm not. I am genuinely happy for every single one of them and the little miracles they have created.

I'm just impatient for my own little miracle.


The Joys of PCOS - Part 2

Here goes with continuing my quest into explaining The Joys of PCOS.

Two of the symptoms of PCOS are irregular periods, or a complete lack of periods and irregular ovulation, or no ovulation at all. I could explain the joys of both of those seperately, but I guess it's just as easy to cover both in one post!

I started my periods at 11. They were irregular, heavy and painful, but we put that down to my body just getting used to what goes on once a month (or whenever!). But, when things didn't change, the doctors put me on the pill at 13 (it's fair to say they're fricking genius'. Not. Idiots more like...)

The pill seemed to do the trick - my periods became more regular, less painful and generally more manageable, until I had to come off of the pill at 16 due to migraines. (Yeah, that's right. The doctor kept prescribing the pill to a 13/14/15/16 year old as a way of controlling her periods. Crazy-ness!).

It turns out that all the pill had done was cover and disguise all of my underlying PCOS symptoms. Once I stopped taking it, my weight ballooned, and my periods wents MENTAL. I never knew what was going on. I could bleed for 13 days, stop for 2, and then start over again.

As my weight has increased over the years, my periods have become more and more infrequent. I went back on to a different pill as a contraceptive when things got serious with Mr B, and we bumbled along for a while like that - never quite knowing when (or if!) my next period would arrive. (The longest I went without was 2 years. When I mentioned it to the doctor, he informed me that I wasn't "filling up with blood", and that "a lot of women would be grateful for a lack of periods". And we're back to the doctors being geniusses again...!)

I stopped taking the pill for the last time in November 2008, 12 months before our wedding, because I knew we wanted to start TTC once we were Mr and Mrs. In the 12 months leading up to the wedding I lost some weight, and I finally got some sort of cycle.

In May of 2010, I started temping and charting to try and understand whether I was ovulating. That, it seems, is pretty hit and miss, too. Some months I do, some months I don't. Some months I ovulate but don't bleed, some months I don't ovulate but bleed, and some months nothing at all happens.

I've got to be honest, before I was diagnosed, I never thought making a baby would involve thermometers, cervical fluid (two words I never thought would be in my vocabulary, to be honest), and ovulation kits. The stork rocking up with a baby seems like a much better way to do this thing!

I'm currently 69 days into a cycle that doesn't seem to have any sign of ovulation so far. Awesome.

It's frustrating, never knowing when or if Aunt Flo is going to show up. On the flip side, my friends always know they can rely on me if they're caught out!

Mr B and I have been *officially* trying for a Baby B for just over 12 months, and it would be great to say that I understand my body now.

I understand it more, but certainly not totally.

Maybe I never will?