Inside, I'm crying

There is literally so much going on in my head that I want to get out that I just don't know where to start. And if I do, I don't know that I'd be able to stop. And I'm not sure that this is the right place, either. But I'm going for it. In brief, at least

ooOOoo

My brother is doing much better. We've talked (in so much as I said "How're you doing?" and he said "Fine, but I don't want to talk about it anymore"). I'm incredibly proud of him and the way he's getting his shit together. He's a nicer person to speak to and spend time with, and he's dealing with stuff really well.
It's weird how other people's opinions differ to your own though, isn't it? I was telling my friend about what's been going on with him lately, and mentioned that he couldn't afford to come and spend a weekend with Mr B and I and get away from home. She replied with "What, he can't afford to come and see you, but he can afford to go and get tattooed? Seems a bit shit". Actually, no. He gets a MASSIVE discount at the tattooist due to the amount of money he's spent there in the last few years, and the business he's put their way. AND I think getting tattooed, for my brother, is a way of making himself feel better. Whatever. I get it, and I don't care what any body else thinks. I love him, I'm proud of him, and I think he's awesome.

ooOOoo

We went back to the consultants last week. It was as vile as last time, except I spoke up for myself this time. I told her that I thought that she was rude and dismissive, and no matter what she thought, or whether I'd lost the weight or not, I was a human being with feelings and she had no right to speak to me like I was a piece of sh*t.
I was angry.
She was shocked.
I cried.
She apologised.
I win.

Ultimately, we're no further along, though. They still won't do anything to help until I've dropped at least three stone. The consultant suggested that I see my personal trainer more than once a week - she didn't want to pay for it, though, so that won't be happening.
I went to the drs afterwards, and they've given me a prescription for Orlistat to help with my weight loss mission. It's not the first time I've been offered it, but it's the first time I've said yes. I feel like a failure for saying yes, and haven't yet "got round" to getting the prescription filled. But, if I want a baby, I need to lose the weight. And if diet and exercise alone isn't helping, I need to bite the bullet and try everything that they're offering. Except a gastric band. Which is offered far too easily, in my opinion.
I was also prescribed a tablet to bring on a period, because I haven't had one since Feb. Although I have been spotting since. Great. Except it means I don't remember the last time we did the deed, which isn't helpful when you're trying for a baby!

ooOOoo

It was my brother in law's girlfriend's 30th birthday yesterday and he organised a surprise meal for her. Not long after they got there, they announced that he'd proposed yesterday afternoon. NOBODY was surprised. They've been together for 18 months, she moved in after 6, and actually we're surprised it took this long. 

What we were surprised about (and a little bit confused by, if I'm totally honest) is that they booked the wedding venue TWO WEEKS AGO. BEFORE HE HAD PROPOSED. So she knew he was going to propose, but not when. 

Oh, and the wedding's in June. This year. So that's 6 months time. 

It all screams shotgun to me. Nothing has been mentioned about a baby, but when he told us it was this June, it was my first assumption. And the fact that they haven't said she isn't is a bit odd, too. I nearly asked but knew that if she was I wouldn't be able to stay there, in a room full of strangers and pretend to be thrilled for them. So I didn't ask. But I want to know. 

My mother in law has said that it's "a question that needs to be asked", so I don't think it'll be long before she's asked them. 

I'm predicting an August baby. 

And a lot of heartache heading my way. 

ooOOoo

So that's me, and my tales of woe. 

For now.

Peace out. 

xx

The Hardest Thing

I think the hardest part of our TTC journey and inability (so far!) to get pregnant for me is the feeling that I'm letting people down. 

I constantly feel that I'm letting Mr B down - he could be a daddy by now if it weren't for me. 

But I often feel that we're letting other people down, too - our parents, our brothers, our extended family - by not having a baby yet. 

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of my mum's posted this on Facebook:

I always thought that my friends posting their pregnancy and birth announcements on Facebook was difficult, but this completely broke my heart.

I want MY mum to have baby cuddles with a grandchild. I want MY mum to spoil my children. And I want to make MY mum proud.

But most of all, I want MY mum to be this excited.

I want MY mum to be a Nanny.

If only it were that easy...

I was talking to someone at work the other week whose daughter is getting married in August.

It's all going a bit quicker than he'd expected, considering she only got engaged on New Year's Eve - he'd assumed that his baby girl would wait until at least next year before getting married.

Turns out that that doesn't work with her plans though - she's 30 next year and wants to be, at the very least, pregnant by the time her big Three-Oh comes round.

I sort of hmmmed and ahhed noncommittally throughout the conversation but couldn't help shaking my head as I walked away.

I can't believe people are still so naive to think of fertility and getting pregnant in such straight forward terms.
While I hope that everything goes to plan for them, I find it really bizarre that people still think it'll be so easy.

I suppose that's the difference between a family that have never had any sort of fertility issue and one that has, though.

10 in 2013 - The Mr And Mrs Edition!

So as well as my personal list of ten things I wanted to achieve during this year, Mr B and I set a list of 10 things we wanted to achieve this year. Some are boring, housey, but necessary, others fun and coupley, in an attempt to help us focus on us in the midst of all the TTC misery that goes on.

Here goes:

1. Change internet provide. Boring, housey, but done. Have to say though, super-fast broadband from BT Infinity? Not really worth the wait.

2. Fix / Replace the Shower. This will be the fourth summer that we haven't had a working shower. We've managed without and had baths, but enough is enough, and I want a shower in our house again!!

3. Sort out the drive. I park my car on the front garden, and because of the rain it's a bit of a mud bath so that needs sorting. Particularly if I'm going to start driving more!

4. Monthly date nights. One night (or day!), every month, to make an effort to do something together. On Valentines day we wrote a list of things we want to do, divvied them out, and mixed them up. March's date night is a cinema night. We're yet to do it, but should be next weekend!

5. No TV, one night per week. We both like nothing more than sitting in front of the box, but sometimes it's nice to spend time without it on too! We don't have to do stuff together necessarily, we just have to be in the same room without the TV on!

6. Make The Most of The Weekends. Quite often, I'll go into work on a Monday morning and be asked what I did at the weekend, and I'll say "not much". What I actually mean is absolutely nothing. This weekend is a prime example - I haven't left the house since coming in from work on Friday! Sometimes, that's lush. But sometimes, I think we could definitely make more of the weekends. We don't have children yet, and one day we might look back and wish we'd done stuff while we had the chance.

7. At Least Two Holidays. Whilst we both had a holiday last year, we didn't go together. This year we're aiming to have two holidays. One in May and one later in the year. We've got Christmas week off, so we might go away for Christmas.

8. Get Fitter Blurgh. But, in line with my BMI reduction and our TTC, we need to be fitter.

9. Be More Social. We don't have many friends, but the ones we have are AWESOME. For whatever reason, we didn't see much of them last year and we want to change that this year!

10. Eat at a Gordon Ramsay Place. We're combining this with a date night later in the year. We've both wanted to do it for a while, and this will be the year for it!

Almost a quarter of the way through the year - should probably get cracking with these!!

10 for 2013

Last year, I wrote a list of things that I wanted to achieve through the year. A bit like New Years resolutions, but not things I had to do RIGHT THEN and do forever.

My 10 in 2012 was a success in some ways (I passed my driving test and bought a car), but not so much in others (I'm still in the same job, and there's no Baby B), but overall it was something that I found useful.

So, I decided to right a new list for 2013.

Here it is:

1. Be Positive This is a carry over from last year. Sometimes, it's super easy to think of the bad stuff - the things I don't have or haven't achieved. But, spending just a couple of minutes every day thinking of the GOOD things really helps.

2. Get my BMI Below 40 This one is probably the toughest - not only as a physical challenge, but because it's the one I don't really agree with the most. I couldn't give a flying monkey crap about my BMI, but I want a baby. To have a baby, I need to get my PCOS under control. To get my PCOS under control, I need to lose weight. And quite frankly, I can't cope with another appointment with the consultant like we had back in January...

3. Take More Photos I love photos. But, I was really disappointed with the amount of photos I took last year so I want to take more this year. I think my main downfall is my smart phone, though - I take a whole load of photos on there that I do nothing with... D'oh!

4. Swear less (particularly at work!) I swear like a sailor. My language is FOUL and I've become more conscious of it - especially since I'm more unhappy at work. So, I want to cut down. And, I've started a charity swear jar to help. An F-bomb costs me 20p, and all others are 10p. I started mid January and have nearly £12 already! Having said that, I had 3 days this week without putting any in, and my language at home is much better, too!

5. Make more of an effort with my appearance. I have a massive amount of makeup and jewellery, but rarely use / wear it, so I want to start. Oh, and get my legs out more, too.

6. Be more crafty. I love crafting, but haven't done much really. It's a real release for me - I fully concentrate on it and relax.

7. Drive more! Although I passed my driving test, I don't really drive very often. I'm paid a bonus every month for not driving to work, and that more than pays for my bus fare, so I don't drive to work. I also don't drive places I don't know, because I panic about parking.... I need to (wo)man up, and just start doing it!

8. Cook new recipes / more regularly Cooking is another thing I love, but don't do enough of. I think like most people, I have my staple recipes and tend to stick to them, but I want to be more adventurous!

9. Bake a cake I am 28 years old and I have never baked a cake without the help of my mum or a teacher. I will rectify that this year!

10. Change job Another roll over from last year, but I'm determined. I am better than the job I'm currently doing. And I will prove it!

I also managed to get Mr B to agree to doing a joint 10 for 2013 which I'll share soon!

Wish me luck!

New Start

The start of the year hasn't really been all that great - I ended up with Norovirus on New Year's Day and it wiped me out for the best part of 6 days. Then, on Tuesday, we had our second appointment with the gyne clinic to see how things are progressing.

Now, I'm not going to lie - the weight hasn't come off anywhere near like it should have. But, the dietician had been very positive about my progress and suggested that I make them aware that, although my weight hasn't changed all that much, I have lost inches, particularly from around my waist. From her perspective, that was better for me than losing weight, anyway.

We saw a different consultant this time to the one we saw at our first appointment, and I knew it wasn't going to go well when he said that I have "PCOS because of my size, obviously".
That, in itself isn't true.

He asked how the weight loss had gone and I admitted that since my last appointment I'd only lost 4 / 5lbs, but that I had lost 18.5cms.
"Sorry, you've lost me", he said, "What do you mean you've lost 18.5cms?"
"Well, I've measured myself - waist, hips, everywhere - and I've lost 18.5cms", I replied.
"That doesn't make sense. How can you lose CMs if you've not lost weight?", he said, looking at me as if I were stupid.
I looked at Mr B, and said "Well, it's muscle definition, isn't it? I'm changing the shape of muscle".
He continued to look at me as if I was stupid and said "Well that just doesn't make any sense. I don't understand that, so I don't believe it can be true".

What. The. Actual. F*ck.

Both my personal trainer AND the dietician have been really pleased with the lower measurements, and I've been on enough diets to know that they encourage you to measure yourself because even when you're not losing weight you can be losing the inches.

He then went on to lecture me, in an incredibly patronising way, about how to lose weight and how it would help not only with trying for a baby, but with my whole life. "Just think", he said, "about the impact it'll have".
Obviously making the assumption that because I'm fat, I'm unhappy.

In the end, (I think because he could see I was about to snap), Mr B asked what the aim was.

"Obviously", he said, "the ideal BMI is 25, but that's a long way off, so I think that perhaps trying to get it down as much as possible is the way to go."

"When we were here last time, I was told to aim for 40. Is that realistic?" I said.

"Well, y'know, we'd have to see. It's hard to say, really", he said,  in a really noncommittal way.

"Right well I want to know - if I come back here with a BMI of 40, will you be telling me to go away again
 until it's 35?", I pushed.

"In all honesty, I'd have to see you. Like I said, 25 is ideal, but if you were at that, we wouldn't be having this conversation because you wouldn't have the PCOS. Y'know, all of the symptoms of PCOS are reversible through weight loss", he said, glancing at my beard.

If it hadn't been for the fact that I was almost in tears because of the way he'd spoken to me, I would have corrected him. And given him a little extra piece of my mind. As it was, I was close to crying and / or punching him in the face, so I got my next appointment and walked out.

I got as far as the waiting room before the tears started. It was a relief, though, when Mr B exclaimed that "He was a cock", because I was worried that I was being overly sensitive.

He was a nasty, horrible man who took one look at me and decided it was my fault because I was fat. It wouldn't surprise me if he didn't actually think PCOS were a real condition - he obviously knows nothing about it and is far too arrogant to learn.

I spent most of the rest of the day in tears, and was still pretty delicate on Wednesday. But now I'm angry and determined to lose the weight.

I'm also going to look into the NHS Choices scheme, to see if I can refuse to see him again, or find a consultant that specialises in PCOS.

But, for now, the plan is to get back on it and prove him wrong.

Arsehole.

Time Flies...

I can't believe it's been so long since my last post.

I have been checking in and reading up, but not really in the blogging mindset.

I started to find that the more I thought and wrote about TTC, the more obsessed I became and that then turned into a vicious downward spiral of doom.

Needless to say, we're not really any further on with our journey, but we do go back and see the specialist early in the new year (in 8 days, in fact).

If anyone can help me lose 2 stone in just over a week, that would be great...

In the meantime, have a lovely New Year, and here's hoping 2013 brings lots of lovely adventures for everyone.

I'll be back soon, I'm sure... !!

Jumping to conclusions...

Aren't the conclusions that people jump to just amazing?

I went out with a group of friends from work on Friday night. The two lovely ladies in the pic with me are both aware that Mr B and I are TTC and the efforts that are going into it. Most of them are aware that I'm on some sort of mission to lose weight, but they don't necessarily no why.

Anyway, when we decided to go out, I told the girls that I wouldn't be drinking as, for me, it just seems like "wasted" calories for me - especially as I'm more that capable of having a good time without the booze.

I'm not really a big drinker, but I do tend to have a few on a work night out, so I wasn't all that surprised when my request for a diet coke / lime and soda / orange and lemonade raised a few eyebrows, but when questioned why I wasn't drinking I just said that I didn't really feel like it.

A bit later in the evening, I had a bit of what I can only describe as ovary ache - I assume that it was a by-product of the violation I'd experienced earlier in the day - so I was sitting down. One of the guys came and sat on my lap and one of the girls saw that that really wasn't a good thing for me so she pulled as I pushed him off and told it that my stomach couldn't handle it.

He fell into the seat next to me, went wide eyed, gasped and pointed at me.

He looked from me, to my friend and back, all wide eyed wonder, gasping away.

"What? What's wrong with you?" I said.

He smiled, nodded, winked and said, "I get it!"

"Er, get what?" I said. "Oh! Oh God no! You're jumping to all the wrong conclusions, and you couldn't be more wrong!"

"Shut up! You're not drinking, you're stomach is bad...I get it!!"

I tried convincing him.

I'm not sure it worked....

Testing Testing!

Yesterday I had the first of my two appointments as requested by the gyne consultant - a transabdominal and transvaginal ultra sound.

Basically, I was violated by a sonographer with a giant wand and half a tube of KY Jelly!!

But, the good news is that my ovaries and uterus are cyst and fibroid free.

Bad news was that there was no sneaky baby hiding in there.

I feel weirdly uncomfortable today - almost like I'm bruised inside?

Got the HSG on Monday. Finger's crossed!

Under Pressure

It's fair to say that I've felt the pressure this week. I think the realisation of what we're facing has finally caught up with me this week and I've just had a meltdown (I'm also really hoping that there's a premenstrual element to it, too - more that 90 days since AF's last visit. )

Anyway, on Tuesday I had a good old weep at Mr B, worried that I wasn't going to be able to lose the weight I need to lose.

On Wednesday, the same thing happened.

"You need to stop putting so much pressure on yourself," Mr B said. 

It's easier said than done though, isn't it, really?

It's ME that doesn't work properly.

It's ME that has to lose the weight.

It's ME the doctors are judging.

It's MY fault we don't have a baby yet.

It's ME that's chasing the referrals, appointments, letters and what not.

Add to that the hell that is currently my work, and it's all just got a bit much this week.

I spoke to my mum yesterday and she suggested that I give something like pilates a go. Something to relax me, take my mind off things.

Because, as she pointed out, we're only at the beginning of it all.

Chase, Chase, Chase

It's been just over 4 weeks since Mr B and I were at the consultants talking about where we go with our TTC journey.

The key things that we left the appointment with were:

• The knowledge that the consultant would write GP and request a referral to a dietician
• I was being referred to radiology for an ultrasound and HSG (within 6 weeks)

Last week, I thought I'd give my GP a call and see was there anything I needed to do about the dietician appointment.
The receptionist was a bit confused - dietician appointment? What dietician appointment?

Turns out they hadn't received the letter from the consultant yet.

I called the hospital. Yes, there was a note about the referral letter, but it hadn't been signed until the week before, so the GP should have it by the end of the week.

Friday came, and I decided to call the GP again to check that the letter had been received.

Yes, it had been received.

Had the referral to the dietician been done?

No. In fact, my doctor hadn't even see the letter, let alone sent the referral. The receptionist assured me that she'd make sure my doctor got to see it.

Great. How long was I likely to wait for the appointment to come through?

They weren't sure. It's anyone's guess.

Brilliant.

This week, realising that it'd been 4 weeks since my appointment and that the radiology appointment should probably have come through by now, I decided to chase the radiology department.

They haven't received a referral for me. Nothing, nada.

So, I had to get back on the phone to the gynea department and see if THAT letter had been sent.

They've gone home. I'll have to call again on Monday.

Turns out that my assumption that everything would tick along nicely was a misjudged one....

3 Week Weigh In

I weighed in last week.

I stayed the same.

I was gutted.

So gutted, that I had a little cry last night. Big, fat tears. Sobbing till I couldn't catch my breath. So, in fact, more than a little cry.

I was having a bit of a "woe is me" evening. I felt like a failure. I felt that I was letting people down.

I felt the pressure.

I'm still feeling the pressure today, and don't really know how to handle it. It's starting to dawn on me just how big a challenge 3 stone is. I've never lost 3 stone before - what makes me think I can do it this time?

I know that having a baby is (and should be) the biggest motivation there is, but it's the same motivation I've had since I started dieting over 6 years ago and, as yet, I'm no thinner.

Mini Targets

3 stone. 4 months.

It feels like a pretty mammoth task.

It is a pretty mammoth task.

But, I'm going for it.

I've split it down into stone size chunks, and I know when I need to have done them by. I want to have lost my first stone by July 29th. That's 6 weeks from when I started.

Mr B has been awesome. We went for lunch after our appointment and had a lovely meal, then had a "naughty" supper in the evening. He's taken all sweets / chocolates / biscuits out of the house and is keeping them in the drawer at work, and he's been more supportive than ever.

We're going to the gym together. I'm going to the gym on my own.

Two weeks in, I've lost 6lbs.

I WILL DO THIS!!

And So It Begins

So, we left the appointment with a small (yet significant) spring in our step.

We got our next appointment for 4 months time.

I had my target - losing 6 BMI points (is that the right word? Are they points? If not, what the heck are they!?).

As we left the hospital, Mr B turned to me and said "So, how much weight is 6 BMI points, then?".

I looked at him, shrugged my shoulders and replied, "I've got no f*cking idea".

It didn't matter - all I knew was that I was going to try my hardest to lose it.

As it turns out, losing 3 stone would put my BMI at 39.8.

Losing 4 stone would put it at 37.4.

My aim is to lose 3 stone by October 23rd.

It's not going to be easy, but I am determined.

Hospital Update

So, yet again, I've not updated for a while.

Sorry about that.

Since I last updated, we've had our appointment at the hospital. It actually ended up being sooner than anticipated because the consultant pulled it forward by a week - giving me 2 days notice.

So, TheFear that was bubbling under suddenly hit boiling point and I went into a bit of a tail spin.

My biggest fear was that I'd be told to go away and not come back until I'd lost half my body weight. I also worried that I'd get little or no support and be no better off than I was 6 months ago.

What actually happened is that we left the appointment feeling quite positive.

We went through all the usual stuff  - how often do you have periods, how long have you been trying, when were you diagnosed. I quite liked that she knew most of the answers - she'd actually read my notes, rather than just carrying around the folder as a prop...

My weight did come up, in the "it must go down" sense, and that was no surprise. When she told me that I needed to lose weight, I asked her to give me some sort of target. I told her that telling me to lose weight wasn't going to work for me - I could come back in a week and have lost a pound, but we all knew that that wasn't what she meant. I also pointed out that, in the past 7 years, I've tried Slimming World, Rosemary Connely, Low GI, high protein, metabolic rate diets - you name it, I've tried it, and I'm still not really any better off.

She told me that if I were a "normal" person, she'd say that I wasn't trying hard enough but, as I have PCOS, she knows that I probably am trying really hard, and not getting anywhere.

That in itself was reassuring. I think that's the first time that a doctor has actually acknowledged that "must try harder" is not an appropriate response when I say I'm trying to lose weight!

She told me that I needed to have "shown progress" in my weight loss by my next appointment in 4-6 months time. In the meantime, she would refer me to a dietician and I could get some support from them. She is also sending me for an ultra sound as I've not had one since diagnosis in 2002, and a HSG to check my tubes.

It felt positive.

They did my BMI. It's 46. She set me a target of a BMI of 40 or lower before my next appointment.

"Shall we make your next appointment for 6 months time?" she said

"Nope," I replied, "I want it in 4. You've given me the target that I wanted, now I just need to get on with it".

Our follow up appointment is October 23rd

"You're quite lucky there, then..."

When I went to visit my dad and his wife at the weekend, they asked about whether Mr B and I had any holiday plans for this year.

That seemed like the right time to explain that, at the moment, we're not making any holiday plans for this year because we're having fertility tests and we don't know what's going to be going on. (Side note - this isn't us "putting life on hold", this is us not wanting to commit to an expensive holiday later in the year if there's a possibility I might be up the duff and not want to travel. That said, it's not looking likely that that will be the case this year, so we're probably going away after all. That's a whole different story, though...)

My dad and his wife are aware that I have PCOS, but I'm not sure they really understand what it means. I've talked to them about it before, and my dad at least seems to understand that being a mum is something that I really want, and I'd love nothing more than to make him a Grandad.

My dad's wife, on the other hand, is pretty awful. We don't get on - not just in a wicked step mother way - she's genuinely not a very nice person and I wouldn't get on with her whatever. In fact, I wouldn't chose to spend time with her if it weren't for my dad.
She doesn't have any children of her own, and apparently doesn't have a maternal bone in her body. She is, quite frankly, weird and insensitive, and doesn't really "get it".

I explained that, while we knew about my PCOS and that being a problem, Mr B had to be tested, too, and until we knew what route we'd have to take (and ultimately how much it might cost) we didn't want to commit to an expensive holiday.

At which, she said "Is that what you think it is, then - this PCOS". I said "Well yeah, we know that's having an effect. I'm pretty sure I'm not ovulating, and only have 4 or 5 periods a year, so...".

Her reply? "Well, you're quite lucky there, then".

I looked at her and tried to get my head round what she'd said. Had she really been as stupid to suggest, after I'd just told her we were having fertility tests done, that I was quite lucky. Apparently yes.

I turned to her and said "What, you mean lucky that I don't have many periods? Yeah, I guess I am. Except it means my body isn't working properly and I can't have the baby that I want. So, not really that lucky after all. Idiot".

I expect insensitive comments from people, but sort of assumed that it would be "outsiders" making them.

I was wrong....

Happy Birthday to Me

My birthday has been something that I've been thinking about a lot this time, though.

I'm 28 this year. There are a lot of things that I thought I would have by the time I was 28. A lot of them, I have - a husband, a mortgage and a car!!

But, there are other things that I thought I'd have and I don't - an awesome job is one, but a baby (or two!) is the other obvious one.

I'm trying to focus on the things that I DO have, rather than the things that I DON'T have.

But, y'know, it's not always that easy....

In the meantime, Mr B and I are going to this hotel for the night - we've got the Winter Warmer package, so half a bottle of champers and a 5 course tasting meal will be enjoyed by us both.

Can't wait!

Making a deposit

I've been a bit quiet on here again, primarily because there's not really been much going on.

Tomorrow, however, Mr B makes his "deposit" for his SA.

I can't believe it's tomorrow - we've been waiting for the appointment for such a long time, it feels a bit unreal that it's here now!

I'm quite nervous about what it's going to mean for us...

What a Week!

It's fair to say that this week has been a bit of a mixed bag for us!

First, we had the decision about Mr B's job. I hadn't realised quite how stressed I was about it until he rang me to let me know that HE'S A KEEPER! To say I was relieved is an understatement! Although, as the day went on, I did find myself getting a little bit disappointed about it.
Mr B has worked for the same company for 23 years. He's comfortable there. He knows what he's doing and what's expected of him. He has no real desire to leave. However, it's over an hour's commute each way, every day. There are no real prospects for him - he's gone as far as he's going to go. And I just think he could do better. I think I'd secretly hoped that he'd be made redundant so that his hand was forced, and he had to move jobs.
Probably not the right attitude for me to have, though!

On Wednesday, AF arrived. She is fierce and angry this time. But, considering she's not visited since October, I suppose I should've been pleased to see her. Whilst also being bitterly disappointed, obviously!

Also on Wednesday, Mr B's SA appointment arrived. He has to make his deposit on the 29th February. The doctor that we saw in November said the results would take 3 weeks to come back, although I'm not sure I trust anything that she says anymore!
I am really pleased that the appointment has come through, although I do have a severe case of TheFear. I think it's a mixture of TheFear that he'll have a problem, along with TheFear that he won't. I've also got TheFear because my diet hasn't been going so great. (Actually, that's a lie - this week hasn't gone so great, but it doesn't really count because of AF. Right?).
I had hoped to see the inside of the gym this weekend, but that hasn't happened either!!

I had to put the car hunt on hold until we knew what was going on with Mr B's job, but my brother found a pretty good deal for me up in my hometown of Northampton - his mate's sister is selling a W reg Fiesta, which has FSH and all MOT certificates. It's 12 years old, but has only done 59000 miles!!! He did a test drive on it in the week and said I'd be stupid not to go for it. So, Mr B and I planned to go up there this weekend to see the car (and probably buy it), but then this happened:

Damn snow, ruining my plans.

Seriously!?

I try, really hard, to be happy for people when they announce their pregnancies.

I try, really hard, to smile and be happy for them.

I try, I really do.

Back in June when my friend an ex-colleague told me about her pregnancy despite having always said that she didn't want children, I gave her the benefit of the doubt - maybe she'd said she didn't want children because actually she was desperate for them, and knew she was going to have problems conceiving. 

Maybe, by denying she wanted them, she was putting a barrier between her and the heartache involved in TTC. 

So, she's now 6 months on, and I saw these two posts on facebook yesterday:

Followed by:

Are you actually being serious!?

Do you have any idea how many people would give their arm and leg to have an expensive child?

Do you have any idea how much some people crave the sickness, the back ache, the clothes not fitting and everything else about your magical journey that you're complaining about?

I've really had to restrain myself from posting something on there that I might regret.

I may not be able to do it much longer if she carries on, though.

As a result of these posts, I've decided that perhaps she wasn't just saying she didn't want children. Maybe she genuinely doesn't want children. Maybe this baby was an accident.