I have been checking in and reading up, but not really in the blogging mindset.
I started to find that the more I thought and wrote about TTC, the more obsessed I became and that then turned into a vicious downward spiral of doom.
Needless to say, we're not really any further on with our journey, but we do go back and see the specialist early in the new year (in 8 days, in fact).
If anyone can help me lose 2 stone in just over a week, that would be great...
In the meantime, have a lovely New Year, and here's hoping 2013 brings lots of lovely adventures for everyone.
I'll be back soon, I'm sure... !!
I know its been an age since I posted. I was getting good, too!
I sort of got myself into a bit of a funk, so I've been hibernating a bit.
The weight isn't coming off in quite the way I'd hoped, but the exercise is meaning that my shape is changing. When my trainer measured me a week ago, I had lost a total of 19 centimeters - 12 of those from around my waist, which is both awesome and very encouraging.
Frustratingly, the way my clothes fit isn't what the Dr is looking at...
I'm back for a re-do of my hsg in a week - they refused to do it at my last appointment, but that's a whole new post - and its only 9 week to my follow up. I'm not hopeful.
Anyway, out with Mr B this evening for dinner, so must go beautify!
Aren't the conclusions that people jump to just amazing?
I went out with a group of friends from work on Friday night. The two lovely ladies in the pic with me are both aware that Mr B and I are TTC and the efforts that are going into it. Most of them are aware that I'm on some sort of mission to lose weight, but they don't necessarily no why.
Anyway, when we decided to go out, I told the girls that I wouldn't be drinking as, for me, it just seems like "wasted" calories for me - especially as I'm more that capable of having a good time without the booze.
I'm not really a big drinker, but I do tend to have a few on a work night out, so I wasn't all that surprised when my request for a diet coke / lime and soda / orange and lemonade raised a few eyebrows, but when questioned why I wasn't drinking I just said that I didn't really feel like it.
A bit later in the evening, I had a bit of what I can only describe as ovary ache - I assume that it was a by-product of the violation I'd experienced earlier in the day - so I was sitting down. One of the guys came and sat on my lap and one of the girls saw that that really wasn't a good thing for me so she pulled as I pushed him off and told it that my stomach couldn't handle it.
He fell into the seat next to me, went wide eyed, gasped and pointed at me.
He looked from me, to my friend and back, all wide eyed wonder, gasping away.
"What? What's wrong with you?" I said.
He smiled, nodded, winked and said, "I get it!"
"Er, get what?" I said. "Oh! Oh God no! You're jumping to all the wrong conclusions, and you couldn't be more wrong!"
"Shut up! You're not drinking, you're stomach is bad...I get it!!"
I tried convincing him.
I'm not sure it worked....
Basically, I was violated by a sonographer with a giant wand and half a tube of KY Jelly!!
But, the good news is that my ovaries and uterus are cyst and fibroid free.
Bad news was that there was no sneaky baby hiding in there.
I feel weirdly uncomfortable today - almost like I'm bruised inside?
Got the HSG on Monday. Finger's crossed!
I spent a bit of time researching LighterLife and the Cambridge Diet.
I knew they weren't sensible diets or a long term thing, but I thought that maybe for a quick fix and to ease the pressure I'd be able to do it.
After looking at them in a bit more detail I realised that no, I wouldn't be able to do it. And, more importantly, I didn't want to.
Getting all my energy and nutrients without actually chewing food just doesn't sit right with me. I wouldn't have teeth if it was ok not to chew...
So, I started toying with the idea of getting a personal trainer. I figured that an hour a week would not only be better for me than one of those diets, but it'd be cheaper too. And what harm would it do?!
I asked one of the girls at work whether she knew anyone (she's a fitness instructor, too) and she told me about her recently qualified friend, Louise.
Not only is she recently qualified, she's recently lost nearly SEVEN STONE!
|One of the BEFORE and AFTER photos from her Facebook page|
She came round on Tuesday for a consultation, which was basically talking about what I wanted to achieve, why and when by. We talked about my diet (I'm eating too much FRUIT!! Who'da thunk it!), and my current exercise regime.
She actually made me feel like it's possible for me to hit my 3 stone target in time for the hospital appointment in October.
I like that she not only knows what she's talking about, she's been there, too. She's not just some skinny minny who likes to exercise - she's worked bloody hard to get where she is and looks great for it.
Our first session is tonight. I can't wait!
"The doctor would like to see you about the letter she's received from the gyneacologist - can you make an appointment to come in?".
Part of me knew it was going to be a pointless appointment. I thought that she'd want to confirm that she'd sent the referral off to the dietician and see how I was feeling generally about going to the hospital.
I was partly right - it was pointless.
I was wrong to assume that she would've done ANYTHING about the referral.
It started off badly when, as I sat down, she said "So, what can I do for you today?".
I told her that I was there because I'd been told she wanted to see me about the letter she'd received.
So, she dutifully looked at the letter, muttered something about "dietician" and asked me where I wanted to go from here.
"Erm, well... the consultant said I'd be referred to a dietician...?"
"Yes," she said, "we could do that. Or you could have a 12 week referral to either Weight Watchers or Rosemary Conley. We could also look at Orlistat. And if none of that works, maybe we need to consider surgery".
To say I was confused by the direction the appointment was taking would be an understatement.
She proceeded to tell me that if I chose to see the dietician I would probably only see her once or twice.
I told her that I'd tried both Weight Watchers and Rosemary Conley before and had limited success, so maybe it would be worth me giving the dietician a try.
She asked me how losing weight was going, and when I told her it was something I've been trying to do for well, ever, she made a noise that suggested she didn't believe me.
I told her that I'd got an appointment with a personal trainer booked, and she looked at me as if she didn't believe me.
She then said "I think maybe you're complacent about dieting, and that's why you're not losing weight. I think you need to put some serious thought into weight loss surgery".
I asked if there was anything else she wanted to talk to me about, and she said no. I promptly left.
I was pretty fricking angry. So angry that I ended up crying.
WHY was weightloss surgery being offered so easily?
WHY was that my only option?
Surely it would be better - and cheaper - all round to offer me more support and guidance than an operation?
I'm now more determined than ever to do this myself - without medication OR surgery - so that I can stick two fingers up to the NHS and their "help".
And, if I'm honest, I've been too emotionally close to them, too.
Now, with a week of distance, I'm going to write them. I'm obviously not posting them on the write days, but I am going to post them chronologically, so you'll have an idea of the timing and the rubbish-ness of what went on!!
On a brighter note, I weighed in this morning and I've lost 3 lbs!
Super pleased with that!!
I stayed the same this week.
I'm a bit disappointed, but it's not the end of the world.
I'm meeting with a personal trainer this week and headed back to a Slimming World class on Wednesday so that should all help.
I have blogs I need to write-particularly about the rude lady in New Look (who won't get out of my head) and the doctors on Friday.
But until then, enjoy the rest of your Sunday!
Anyway, on Tuesday I had a good old weep at Mr B, worried that I wasn't going to be able to lose the weight I need to lose.
On Wednesday, the same thing happened.
"You need to stop putting so much pressure on yourself," Mr B said.
It's easier said than done though, isn't it, really?
It's ME that doesn't work properly.
It's ME that has to lose the weight.
It's ME the doctors are judging.
It's MY fault we don't have a baby yet.
It's ME that's chasing the referrals, appointments, letters and what not.
Add to that the hell that is currently my work, and it's all just got a bit much this week.
I spoke to my mum yesterday and she suggested that I give something like pilates a go. Something to relax me, take my mind off things.
Because, as she pointed out, we're only at the beginning of it all.
The key things that we left the appointment with were:
- The knowledge that the consultant would write GP and request a referral to a dietician
- I was being referred to radiology for an ultrasound and HSG (within 6 weeks)
The receptionist was a bit confused - dietician appointment? What dietician appointment?
Turns out they hadn't received the letter from the consultant yet.
I called the hospital. Yes, there was a note about the referral letter, but it hadn't been signed until the week before, so the GP should have it by the end of the week.
Friday came, and I decided to call the GP again to check that the letter had been received.
Yes, it had been received.
Had the referral to the dietician been done?
No. In fact, my doctor hadn't even see the letter, let alone sent the referral. The receptionist assured me that she'd make sure my doctor got to see it.
Great. How long was I likely to wait for the appointment to come through?
They weren't sure. It's anyone's guess.
This week, realising that it'd been 4 weeks since my appointment and that the radiology appointment should probably have come through by now, I decided to chase the radiology department.
They haven't received a referral for me. Nothing, nada.
So, I had to get back on the phone to the gynea department and see if THAT letter had been sent.
They've gone home. I'll have to call again on Monday.
Turns out that my assumption that everything would tick along nicely was a misjudged one....
I stayed the same.
I was gutted.
So gutted, that I had a little cry last night. Big, fat tears. Sobbing till I couldn't catch my breath. So, in fact, more than a little cry.
I was having a bit of a "woe is me" evening. I felt like a failure. I felt that I was letting people down.
I felt the pressure.
I'm still feeling the pressure today, and don't really know how to handle it. It's starting to dawn on me just how big a challenge 3 stone is. I've never lost 3 stone before - what makes me think I can do it this time?
I know that having a baby is (and should be) the biggest motivation there is, but it's the same motivation I've had since I started dieting over 6 years ago and, as yet, I'm no thinner.
It feels like a pretty mammoth task.
It is a pretty mammoth task.
But, I'm going for it.
I've split it down into stone size chunks, and I know when I need to have done them by. I want to have lost my first stone by July 29th. That's 6 weeks from when I started.
Mr B has been awesome. We went for lunch after our appointment and had a lovely meal, then had a "naughty" supper in the evening. He's taken all sweets / chocolates / biscuits out of the house and is keeping them in the drawer at work, and he's been more supportive than ever.
We're going to the gym together. I'm going to the gym on my own.
Two weeks in, I've lost 6lbs.
I WILL DO THIS!!
As we're 6 months through the year, I thought I'd best update (and remind myself!) on what they are!
1. Think of 10 positive things a day I did this pretty much every day for a while, but just recently it's sort of tailed off. I must start again, though.
2. Write a gratitude diary I tried to do this once a week, but it didn't really work with the 10 positive things thing, too, so it fell by the wayside. In all honesty, I'm unlikely to revive this one.
7. Make a baby We're working on it and making progess with the help of the doctors. In my heart of hearts, I don't think I'll get my BFP this year, but you never know.
10. Meet up with all the friends that I keep telling "we must meet up soon" and never doing anything about it. Not all of them, but I've met up with one of them so far!
We got our next appointment for 4 months time.
I had my target - losing 6 BMI points (is that the right word? Are they points? If not, what the heck are they!?).
As we left the hospital, Mr B turned to me and said "So, how much weight is 6 BMI points, then?".
I looked at him, shrugged my shoulders and replied, "I've got no f*cking idea".
It didn't matter - all I knew was that I was going to try my hardest to lose it.
As it turns out, losing 3 stone would put my BMI at 39.8.
Losing 4 stone would put it at 37.4.
My aim is to lose 3 stone by October 23rd.
It's not going to be easy, but I am determined.
Sorry about that.
Since I last updated, we've had our appointment at the hospital. It actually ended up being sooner than anticipated because the consultant pulled it forward by a week - giving me 2 days notice.
So, TheFear that was bubbling under suddenly hit boiling point and I went into a bit of a tail spin.
My biggest fear was that I'd be told to go away and not come back until I'd lost half my body weight. I also worried that I'd get little or no support and be no better off than I was 6 months ago.
What actually happened is that we left the appointment feeling quite positive.
We went through all the usual stuff - how often do you have periods, how long have you been trying, when were you diagnosed. I quite liked that she knew most of the answers - she'd actually read my notes, rather than just carrying around the folder as a prop...
My weight did come up, in the "it must go down" sense, and that was no surprise. When she told me that I needed to lose weight, I asked her to give me some sort of target. I told her that telling me to lose weight wasn't going to work for me - I could come back in a week and have lost a pound, but we all knew that that wasn't what she meant. I also pointed out that, in the past 7 years, I've tried Slimming World, Rosemary Connely, Low GI, high protein, metabolic rate diets - you name it, I've tried it, and I'm still not really any better off.
She told me that if I were a "normal" person, she'd say that I wasn't trying hard enough but, as I have PCOS, she knows that I probably am trying really hard, and not getting anywhere.
That in itself was reassuring. I think that's the first time that a doctor has actually acknowledged that "must try harder" is not an appropriate response when I say I'm trying to lose weight!
She told me that I needed to have "shown progress" in my weight loss by my next appointment in 4-6 months time. In the meantime, she would refer me to a dietician and I could get some support from them. She is also sending me for an ultra sound as I've not had one since diagnosis in 2002, and a HSG to check my tubes.
It felt positive.
They did my BMI. It's 46. She set me a target of a BMI of 40 or lower before my next appointment.
"Shall we make your next appointment for 6 months time?" she said
"Nope," I replied, "I want it in 4. You've given me the target that I wanted, now I just need to get on with it".
Our follow up appointment is October 23rd
I haven't blogged for ages (er, hello, what is the new blogger layout all about, anyway!), but thought I'd update quickly now.
In all honesty, I haven't blogged because I rarely turn on the computer any more. Since getting my SmartPhone at Christmas, it's easier to do just about everything on that, rather than plugging in / turning on / updating etc the laptop! MUST TRY HARDER...
Since my last post, things have been pretty good. We've got our appointment through for the consultant on the 19th June. It means that I'm (yet again) full of TheFear, but I'm going into it with my eyes open and anticipating the worst. If he tries to send me away until I've lost more weight I will ask him how much he'd like me to lose, when will he be seeing me again, and what help can I get in losing the weight.
I know I could be stricter with my diet (who couldn't!) but, for the last 7 years I have been within a stone of my current weight. So, although not an ideal weight, it is at least steady.
This weekend I booked a holiday with my mum, too. I'm really excited (but nowhere near as excited as she is!) and I'm now thinking of my diet as a holiday diet, rather than a baby diet. I think that, subconsciously, the baby diet is a hell of a lot harder to do!
Other things have happened too, but I'm not convinced they're all that exciting.
I will try to be back soon, but no promises. If nothing else, I'll let you know how we get on at the hospital!
It hasn't really occurred to me that it wouldn't be the same when we started on the baby making path. Mr B would probably prefer that I didn't talk to our friends about it (although he knows I do), but so long as I don't talk abou tit to them in front of him, he's ok about it.
What has amazed me about it has been some of the comments that I've had about it from people that I thought would know better.
For example, my mum text me to say "[My colleague] who has PCOS said to try Agnus Castus and Evening Primrose...".
Thanks Mum. I've tried that.
Another friend text me to tell me that her friend (who has PCOS) is pregnant for the second time and she used the fertility friend app. Maybe I should give that a go.
Thanks buddy. I subscribed 2 years ago.
I think people forget that, although we're only just starting to get the doctors involved, we have been trying this for a while. Over 2 years in fact. I've taken the supplements. I've charted my temperatures and checked my cervical mucus. I've tried tipping myself upside down after we've done the deed. We've tried doing it every day. We've tried doing it every other day.
I know they're only trying to help, but it makes me want to scream!!
At the end of the weekend, I realised it was the first weekend in a while that I wasn't on my own, thinking about test results or babies or PCOS or anything along those lines, and I realised that it was completely taking over everything. But it was nice that it hadn't taken over Easter.
I decided that, once the eggs were gone on Monday, that was it.
I'm back on the diet.
I'm exercising again (Zumba this evening, and the gym tomorrow).
I want a baby, and it's about time I started acting like it.
I've been in a bit of a downward spiral of self pity since The Results came in. It's not been helped by the fact that I've spent a lot of time on my own as Mr B has been decorating his study. It meant that in the evenings and at the weekends I've been left with a lot of time to spare, hanging out in my own head, which is never a good thing!
I went for my day 21 progesterone test 2 and a half weeks ago. When I rang on the Friday for my results (purely out of curiousity) the receptionist told me that the Dr wanted to see me for a routine appointment to discuss the results.
This confused me a little, because my understanding had been that whatever the results were, my Dr was going to refer us (the actual test was more of box ticking exercise than anything else!). After a bit of an argument with the receptionist, I finally got to speak to a Dr about the results, and it turned out that MY Dr hadn't seen the results - it was another Dr that was requesting an appointment. (If you've stuck with that, well done!)
ANYWAY, the long and short of the story is that I'm not ovulating. At least, I wasn't ovulating the day I had the blood test.
Although I've known for more than 10 years that I've got PCOS and my fertility was going to be an issue, it's all been much tougher than I thought it was going to be.
When we got the results from Mr B's SA, it was massively bittersweet for me. I was over the moon that everything was good for him, but felt like all the pressure was on me if we were going to have a baby.
Then, when we found out that I'm not ovulating (maybe), that felt like another slap in the face for me, too.
Like I said, I've had too much time in my own head with this stuff recently.
I'm on the up though, I promise ;-)
That seemed like the right time to explain that, at the moment, we're not making any holiday plans for this year because we're having fertility tests and we don't know what's going to be going on. (Side note - this isn't us "putting life on hold", this is us not wanting to commit to an expensive holiday later in the year if there's a possibility I might be up the duff and not want to travel. That said, it's not looking likely that that will be the case this year, so we're probably going away after all. That's a whole different story, though...)
My dad and his wife are aware that I have PCOS, but I'm not sure they really understand what it means. I've talked to them about it before, and my dad at least seems to understand that being a mum is something that I really want, and I'd love nothing more than to make him a Grandad.
My dad's wife, on the other hand, is pretty awful. We don't get on - not just in a wicked step mother way - she's genuinely not a very nice person and I wouldn't get on with her whatever. In fact, I wouldn't chose to spend time with her if it weren't for my dad.
She doesn't have any children of her own, and apparently doesn't have a maternal bone in her body. She is, quite frankly, weird and insensitive, and doesn't really "get it".
I explained that, while we knew about my PCOS and that being a problem, Mr B had to be tested, too, and until we knew what route we'd have to take (and ultimately how much it might cost) we didn't want to commit to an expensive holiday.
At which, she said "Is that what you think it is, then - this PCOS". I said "Well yeah, we know that's having an effect. I'm pretty sure I'm not ovulating, and only have 4 or 5 periods a year, so...".
Her reply? "Well, you're quite lucky there, then".
I looked at her and tried to get my head round what she'd said. Had she really been as stupid to suggest, after I'd just told her we were having fertility tests done, that I was quite lucky. Apparently yes.
I turned to her and said "What, you mean lucky that I don't have many periods? Yeah, I guess I am. Except it means my body isn't working properly and I can't have the baby that I want. So, not really that lucky after all. Idiot".
I expect insensitive comments from people, but sort of assumed that it would be "outsiders" making them.
I was wrong....
I had TheFear all week, and in fact it made me incredibly moody and miserable for the past week.
As it happens, though, the worry was for nothing. His lil' swimmers are all good (although their shape could be a bit better, apparently). They're super mobile, but swimming around without much of a purpose thanks to my horrendous ovaries.
I have to have a day 21 progesterone test done, so that's booked for Monday. We think this is day 21, but the doctor isn't too worried about chasing it - if it's not Monday, never mind, she'll refer us anyway.
I left the doctors with mixed feelings about the results.
I know that it's much better for us that Mr B's swimmer's are all good. I know that our options are much better because of his healthy spermies. I know that are chances are probably better, too.
But I also know that, if he so wanted, he could go and hook up with Little Miss Healthy Womb and have babies without all of the medical intervention. I know that if we don't get to have babies, it'll all be down to me.
That's pretty sucky.
We've obviously talked about it, and he's told me that he'd rather be childless with me than a Daddy with someone else. But I can't help wondering how much he really means that and how much he's saying that because he has to.
Will he wake up one day in years to come, when we're surrounded by cats instead of grandchildren, and resent me because I wasn't able to give him children?
Only time will tell, I guess...
I know how to do it.
I know why I'm doing it.
So why can't I just do it!
Let me put it another way:
I know that I need to lose weight by following a sensible diet and exercising and that by doing it I'll be helping my PCOS symptoms and improving our chances of having a baby. So, why can't I just do it!!
I gave up smoking relatively easily. I consider myself an ex smoker - I haven't craved a cigarette in such a long time that I don't even remember what it was like to be one of those people that had to nip out for a smoke on a night out - I really don't.
So why can't I apply that same will power to losing weight. The end goal of losing weight is a much bigger (and better) one than the end goal of stopping smoking (which, at the time was to save money).
Maybe that's what the problem is.
As yet, we don't know what they are. We have a joint appointment on the 20th March to find out the results and what are options are.
That means 10 days to live with TheFear. I don't know what will be worse - finding out that he has problems too (so we're doubly stuck) or finding out that he's fine and it's all down to me.
I'm 28 this year. There are a lot of things that I thought I would have by the time I was 28. A lot of them, I have - a husband, a mortgage and a car!!
But, there are other things that I thought I'd have and I don't - an awesome job is one, but a baby (or two!) is the other obvious one.
I'm trying to focus on the things that I DO have, rather than the things that I DON'T have.
But, y'know, it's not always that easy....
In the meantime, Mr B and I are going to this hotel for the night - we've got the Winter Warmer package, so half a bottle of champers and a 5 course tasting meal will be enjoyed by us both.
First, we had the decision about Mr B's job. I hadn't realised quite how stressed I was about it until he rang me to let me know that HE'S A KEEPER! To say I was relieved is an understatement! Although, as the day went on, I did find myself getting a little bit disappointed about it.
Mr B has worked for the same company for 23 years. He's comfortable there. He knows what he's doing and what's expected of him. He has no real desire to leave. However, it's over an hour's commute each way, every day. There are no real prospects for him - he's gone as far as he's going to go. And I just think he could do better. I think I'd secretly hoped that he'd be made redundant so that his hand was forced, and he had to move jobs.
Probably not the right attitude for me to have, though!
On Wednesday, AF arrived. She is fierce and angry this time. But, considering she's not visited since October, I suppose I should've been pleased to see her. Whilst also being bitterly disappointed, obviously!
Also on Wednesday, Mr B's SA appointment arrived. He has to make his deposit on the 29th February. The doctor that we saw in November said the results would take 3 weeks to come back, although I'm not sure I trust anything that she says anymore!
I am really pleased that the appointment has come through, although I do have a severe case of TheFear. I think it's a mixture of TheFear that he'll have a problem, along with TheFear that he won't. I've also got TheFear because my diet hasn't been going so great. (Actually, that's a lie - this week hasn't gone so great, but it doesn't really count because of AF. Right?).
I had hoped to see the inside of the gym this weekend, but that hasn't happened either!!
I had to put the car hunt on hold until we knew what was going on with Mr B's job, but my brother found a pretty good deal for me up in my hometown of Northampton - his mate's sister is selling a W reg Fiesta, which has FSH and all MOT certificates. It's 12 years old, but has only done 59000 miles!!! He did a test drive on it in the week and said I'd be stupid not to go for it. So, Mr B and I planned to go up there this weekend to see the car (and probably buy it), but then this happened:
FF was telling me that I had ovulated.
We'd DTD regularly around the same time as ovulation had been predicted.
My temperature was on a steady incline.
Much as I tried not to be, I was hopeful.
But today my temperatures came crashing back down again, and I'm sure that a visit from Aunt Flo is imminent.
Urgh. My body sucks.
We're also still waiting to hear from the doctors about Mr B's SA... Which is frustrating. We went to them in November, and it's now almost February. Ridiculous. And annoying.
(Because, let's be honest, they're always the best!)
Mr B had his first meeting about the redundancy situation today. He knows no more than he did yesterday, but will know by this time next week whether or not he has a job.
I think I'm the one that's more stressed about it at the moment-I am, by nature,a worrier, so this is my DREAM situation!
He'll know next week.
It's a pretty scary thought, to be honest. He's worked for the same company (although under various company names) for 23 years.
I'm not sure what he (we?!) will do if he's made redundant.
What I do know is that we'll deal with it together.
1. Think of 10 positive things a day
2. Write a gratitude diary
3. Go back to the gym
4. Lose Weight
5. Pass my driving test
6. Buy a car
7. Make a baby
8. Find a new / better job
9. Have a holiday with my mum
10. Meet up with all the friends that I keep telling "we must meet up soon" and never doing anything about it.
There's no order in which I want to achieve them, and in fact - I already have completely one.
I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST ON MONDAY!!!!!
I was really chuffed with myself, and today we went car hunting.
Oh, and I lost 4lbs this week! Whoop!
This time last year I didn't know when I was going to next get paid.
This time last year I felt guilty if I spent any money.
This time last year I was spending most of my time at home, looking for work, and keeping the house tidy.
This time last year I was happier.
Personally, I couldn't be happier that December is over and done with. Christmas and New Year only serves to remind me of what a complete failure I've been through the year.
January, though, means a new start.
And 12 months left to fail, too!