I try, really hard, to be happy for people when they announce their pregnancies.

I try, really hard, to smile and be happy for them.

I try, I really do.

Back in June when my friend an ex-colleague told me about her pregnancy despite having always said that she didn't want children, I gave her the benefit of the doubt - maybe she'd said she didn't want children because actually she was desperate for them, and knew she was going to have problems conceiving. 

Maybe, by denying she wanted them, she was putting a barrier between her and the heartache involved in TTC. 

So, she's now 6 months on, and I saw these two posts on facebook yesterday:

Followed by:
Are you actually being serious!?

Do you have any idea how many people would give their arm and leg to have an expensive child?

Do you have any idea how much some people crave the sickness, the back ache, the clothes not fitting and everything else about your magical journey that you're complaining about?

I've really had to restrain myself from posting something on there that I might regret.

I may not be able to do it much longer if she carries on, though.

As a result of these posts, I've decided that perhaps she wasn't just saying she didn't want children. Maybe she genuinely doesn't want children. Maybe this baby was an accident.


Fricking Fertiles...

I mentioned last week that my colleague is pregnant. She's just over 3 months gone, and understandably very excited.

I preferred when it was a secret, but whatever. That's just me being mean, jealous, spiteful and selfish.

Anyway, I overheard her talking to my manager today. My manager's friend had to have IVF to conceive her first baby (who I think is less than a year old) and she's just found out she's pregnant again. It happened naturally, and totally wasn't planned.

Obviously, this has happened because she was "relaxed" about it....

Pregnant Colleague: "I really think you need to just get on with it. Y'know, don't worry about it, don't stress over it, and it'll happen. I mean, I know we didn't have any problems or anything, but I really believe that's the best way to do it"

Manager: "I think you're absolutely right. The more relaxed you are about it, the easier it is".

Seriously?! Try being relaxed and not stressing about it after you've been trying for nearly two years, and see how easy it is for you then.


The Joys of PCOS - Part 6

Weight problems – being overweight, rapid weight gain, difficulty losing weight.
Me, 2000

It would be really easy for me to write a whole post about how I'm fat, and it's not my fault (in fact, there's a post just like that in my drafts...), but that's not true.

It is true that I'm fat.
 It is true that part of that is due to my PCOS.

It's also true that some of the difficulties I face in losing weight are because of my PCOS.

But a lot of it is down to the choices I've made, too. The foods I ate, the exercise I haven't done, and the education I didn't give myself earlier on.

If I could, I'd like to go back ten years and tell myself that I'm not actually that fat. That although I'm overweight, it's manageable. And to do a bit of reading up about PCOS and how it affects weight / weight gain.

 I was reading some of my old diaries last week. In January 2003 I wrote that one of my new year's resolutions was to "be 12 stone before the end of the year".

At the beginning of 2005, it was to be 15 stone. In fact, by December 2005, I actually tipped the scales at 20stone and 4lbs.

I don't remember ever weighing 12 stone. I don't remember ever weighing 15 stone. I don't remember weighing anything in between.

I remember wearing size 14 / 16 clothes (the last time probably in 2002).
I remember buying a pair of size 26 trousers (in Evans in Northampton, November 2005), but I don't really remember anything in between.

April 2005
 When I think of myself between leaving school and now, I've always been this size. Size fat. Somewhere between 17 and a half and 20 stone.

It was quite sad last week when I read through my diaries and realised that, in the space of 8 years, I'd gained 8 stone.

I told Mr B about what I'd read. It made me sad to think that I'd thought I was horribly fat back in 2003 - if only I'd known then what I know now!

He pointed out to me that if I'd been that weight before, I could be that weight again.

There was nothing to stop me being 15 stone again. Nothing to stop me being that weight, and enjoying it this time.

December 2005
 There's also nothing to stop me being 12 stone again. Getting into a size 14/16 outfit and appreciating what that means, instead of worrying that I'm the fattest of all my friends.
So, that's my plan.
PCOS might not make it easy for me to lose weight, but I've been there before, and I'll damn well get there again.
I know I'll never look as youthful as I did in 2000 (top pic), but I'd love to have that jaw line again!

April 2008

August 2011

December 2010
As you can probably tell, my hair changes A LOT. Maybe it's to distract from all the fat going on underneath?!

Argh! Frustrating!

I have ideas for posts, but no time to write them.
The only time I do have time is when I'm at work because I don't actually have any work to do. But when I'm at work, I sit next to my manager so can't blog. Until she's in meetings. Like now. So this is just a super-quick update.

I didn't get the job. Apparently I interviewed well, and there's no real feedback on that side of things, but they had someone else apply who was more suited and had more relevant experience. Whatever. I would've been awesome at that job, but they'll never know that.

My weight stayed the same last week, which was ok because I know I actually lost 4lbs between Monday and Friday. Finger's crossed for more of the same this week!
I have had a bit of an attitude change with the diet, too, though - which will be a seperate post.

I've got less than 2 weeks until I go on holiday. I really can't wait to spend a week with Mr B, a good book and a pool. I don't care if it rains all week, I just don't want to be here.

There'll be more soon, I promise - just need to find time to sit at my computer and write!


Thoughtful Thursday

It's been a while since I've done one of these, but I saw this recently and thought it was worth sharing:



"...and it just happened!!"

A colleague at work announced this morning that she's 3 months pregnant.

I've suspected for a while - she's stopped smoking and drinking, been to the Drs a lot, stopped eating mayo and sea food, and someone else mentioned her "condition"... all the time she thought she was being secret squirrel and she was in fact super obvious.

Anyway, I'd sort of prepared myself for the announcement and thought it might be coming today.

What I hadn't prepared for, though, was her saying that she and her OH had decided to start trying, and she fell pregnant the first month. "It just happened!" she said "It's so exciting, and it happened really quickly".


I also wasn't prepared for the reaction of my other colleagues. I've just been asked whether it makes me broody and want a baby.

No, actually.

Because I've wanted a baby and been broody since I was 17.

I've been charting my temperature and obsessing over cervical mucus for months.

And Mr B and I have been at it like rabbits for almost 2 years in our quest to make a baby, with no joy.

So no, this announcement doesn't make me feel broody or want to try for a baby.

It makes me want to cry.

A lot.


She called...

Not all of the interviews happened as planned last week, so they still haven't made a decision.

She hopes to be able to update by the middle of the week.

My patience will be shot by then!!!

I chased...

...She was in a meeting

...So I'm still waiting!

To chase or not to chase, that is the question?!

So, I still haven't heard back from the interview last Tuesday.

My impatience is at an all time high. I think it comes from being so incredibly bored at my actual job, too though. It's 10.45, and I've got two things to do before 4pm this afternoon. I'm so horrendously bored, unmotivated, and unchallenged, it's unreal.

So now my predicament is whether to call and chase them about it and find out what's going on or not.

Part of me thinks that as she told me she'd get back to me by the end of the week, I should chase.

Another part thinks that I should just kick back and wait until they get back to me, because I don't want to come across as being weirdly pushy about it.

BUT I'm not pushy, I'm just keen.

I really want the job.

And I'm not good at waiting!!!


Wedding Dress Shopping

My friend, L, gets married next September.

I'm so excited for her, but she was getting super stressed about the dress. She's quite fuller figured, and worried that she wouldn't be able to find a dress that she liked and that looked nice.

So, I convinced her to go wedding dress shopping to see what she could find. It wasn't about finding THE dress, it was about finding A dress for now, so that she knew there was a "back up plan" for if she doesn't lose the weight she wants to lose before buying THE dress.

As I was on my way to meet her, I had a flashback to the day my mum and I went shopping for my dress. I've written about my dress before, of course, I've never really thought about the day I went shopping.

Like L, when I went wit mum the first time it was about finding A dress, not THE dress. My plan had been to have Mr B's mum with us when we went in search of THE dress, but that's not quite how it worked out.

My dress was the second one that I tried on. Although I knew deep down it was THE dress, I spent the rest of the day worrying about it. I cried over lunch with my mum because I was convinced I'd made my decision too soon. (1st shop, 2nd dress - that's scarily quick, right!?). But, by the time I'd left the second shop that afternoon, nothing was comparing to THE dress.

I had to convince myself a little bit that it was ok to have made such a massive decision so quickly.

And L has had pretty much the same experience. She's found her dress when she didn't expect to. It's everything she thought she DIDN'T want, but it looked lush, and she's super happy with it.

I, on the other hand, am very jealous of her, being at the beginning of her wedding journey when I'm 2 years away from mine.

I'd do it all over again if I had a chance, and I wouldn't change a thing.


Weekly Weigh in...

I lost two pounds this week!

I think it's probably the stress of waiting to hear about this bloody job as much as anything, but it's 2lbs all the same.

I feel like I'm back on track (but don't want to say that too loud, just in case!) and writing stuff down is definitely helping.

I've got a busy weekend ahead, which I think might impact this week's diet - I'm fake wedding dress shopping with my friend in the day tomorrow, and then I'm off to a fancy dress 40th birthday party tomorrow (as an Angel, no less!).

I want to get to the gym on Sunday, in the hope that I can get the exercise side of things back on track, too.

I'm still crossing my fingers about the job, too!



I had an interview on Tuesday for a job that was MADE for me.

It went well (I think!), and I'm really interested.

But I'm impatient to find out now... I should know before the end of the week.

Every time my phone rings, I get a bit excited, and then disappointed again.