I'm Back!!

So, I'm back from France.

Unfortunately, I left my voice there, and picked up a monster of a cold, too.

As a result, I feel pretty crappy.


It was a great week. I learnt a lot about myself, my preferences and my beliefs.

Some of my discoveries were good, some were worrying, and all of them emotional.

For me, the learning won't stop because I'm home - last week was just the beginning.

I haven't really explained anything to Mr B, yet, and I know he's curious to know wtf's going on with me. And I'll tell him. When I find my voice.

And I'll tell all of you, too, when I find my bravery.


Thoughtful Thursday

If it suits the wearer, bugger the starer
Today would've been my Nanna's 90th birthday but sadly, she passed away last May. This was one of her favourite sayings. Quite often when I saw her, I'd have a hair style she didn't like, or an outfit that she didn't approve of, but as far as she was concerned, as long as I was happy with it, what she thought didn't matter.
Happy Birthday, Nanna. x


Au Revoir!

I'm off to France for a week, so I'm unlikely to blog...

I'll be back on the 29th, and I'm sure I'll have lots to update you on then!



YAY! for me!

I mentioned yesterday that things were starting to look up for me on the job front.

Well, today I had a second interview for a Customer Services Exec role at a large multi-national organisation.

I came out of the interview, which lasted just half an hour, thinking not-too-positive thoughts. The half an hour that I'd been in there was good, but I was only in there for half an hour.

They told me that they were interviewing someone else on Monday and would let me know next week, with a start date of 7th Feb on the cards.

I'm actually going away for a week tomorrow - a friend offered me a place on an NLP practitioner course and, as I wasn't working, I decided to take him up on the offer. So, I figured I'd hear next week while I was away.

An hour later, the agent that had got me the interview called me. She asked how I thought it had gone, and I gave her my feedback, telling her that I expected her to hear either way next week. She told me that, actually, she'd already heard from them, and the feedback was very VERY positive. So positive, in fact, that they're now not seeing the other candidate on Monday and the job is mine!!

I am so unbelievably happy and excited! I can't believe it!!

2011 is going to be my year.


Guilty as charged...

I've been unemployed for almost a month now, and although things are looking up (I'm too nervous to say how, so you'll just have to trust me on that one!) I am struggling with the guilt that I'm feeling.

I feel guilty for not having a job.

I feel guilty that Mr B is the one that's supporting both of us.

I feel guilty for spending money.

I feel guilty if I spend too long in bed in the morning.

I feel guilty that he'll be 40 in 3 weeks, and I can't afford to buy him the AWESOME present he deserves.

I'm constantly apologising to Mr B for not having a job, or not doing something in the day while he's out (say, emptying the dishwasher) because I've been too busy looking for a job.

Of all the things I thought I'd struggle with while I was out of work, guilt wasn't something that even crossed my mind!


If I knew then, what I know now...

  • I would cherish the days that I finished school at 3.30 - if only I'd realised that was still the middle of the afternoon when I got to work!
  • I wouldn't worry that I was wearing size 14 jeans - if only I'd realised that in ten years time I'd give anything to wear those size 14's again!
  • I would've listened to my mum - if only I'd realised what a massive impact PCOS would have on my life when I was diagnosed.
  • I would've joined a gym sooner - if only I'd realised how unfit I'd end up, maybe I could've stopped it getting so bad.
  • I would enjoy the times with my friends that little bit more - if only I'd realised that they wouldn't all make the effort to stay in touch like I did with them.


Sex Dreams

I'm not gonna lie, I quite enjoy them.

They're usually a rare occurance and spice up my otherwise just plain weird dreams. They rarely involve Mr B, which means I get to have sex with a stranger and feel absolutely no guilt (I can't control my subconscious mind, so it can't be held against me!)

Mostly they involve super buff but faceless bits of stuff, other times it's famous people (HELLO Richie Sambora / Johnny Depp / Gary Barlow? !!!).

In the past two weeks, though, I've had some sort of sex dream EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. And always with people that I went to school with.
Guys that I haven't seen for more than 10 years. I'm not even Facebook friends with some of them. I never fancied any of them while we were at school (OK, OK, maybe one of them, I did!). And I certainly didn't go out with any of them.

It's totally random and getting a little bit frustrating, too. Last night's dream didn't actually culminate in doing the deed, but was more the Hollywood movie sneaking-around-behind-our-friends-backs, stolen glances kinda crap that you KNOW is going to end up in a steamy bedroom scene at the end of the film.


Subconscious, if you're going to give me sex dreams with these people, PLEASE make them good. Make sure I actually get to have sex. Make sure I'm looking super hot, my bikini line is waxed to within an inch of it's life, and it's the best sex they've ever had. Oh, and bring back Faceless Hunk (or Mr B, at least!) - get rid of my school friends!

If you can't do that, give me back the weird-ass dreams about juggling oranges. At least that made me laugh...


Tears before bedtime

On the most part, this Not Working thing is going ok. I'm spending a couple of hours a day searching for jobs, I'm helping out a friend with his website / company to stop me from going insane, I'm keeping the house clean and tidy, I'm exercising and I'm making sure that we've got nice meals to eat.

All pretty cool.

But last night I had a bit of a realisation about just how guilty I'm feeling about money. I haven't spent any money (other than money I had for Christmas or money for bus fare) since I stopped working in December. Nothing. Not a penny.

I was supposed to be going in to town today to run some errands for Mr B, which would then mean we had a full weekend free to do things together (one of the toughest parts is being on my own. All. The. Time. So, we're trying to plan things for the weekend together). Anyway, I was planning on going there, doing what needed doing, and then coming back home again. No window shopping, no messing around, just doing what needed doing.

But then I thought it'd be quite nice to sit and have a coffee somewhere, and just relax for half an hour. Maybe even with a book, somewhere different.

So, I asked Mr B if that would be ok.

He looked at me as if I'd gone nuts, before asking why I was being so stupid - of course it's ok, and I don't need to ask his permission, either!

At that point, I burst into tears (crazy, but true!).

Turns out that, although I hadn't realised until just then I've been feeling pretty guilty about doing anything that anyone could think wasn't productive.
I feel guilty that I'm not working and that I'm so incredibly dependent on Mr B for things like the food shopping, the mortgage, the heating - everything - that I'm purposefully not doing things (I haven't had the heating on in the day, regardless of how cold I've been, because I don't want to rack up HUGE bills), or I've been doing things to justify the time I'm spending at home (the cooking, cleaning, ironing, washing and baking, mainly!).

Having realised that that was / is how I'm feeling, I actually feel much better. And, in the grand scheme of things, a fiver for a cup of coffee and a cake (I know I shouldn't, but it'd be rude not to!), isn't going to break the bank.

As it happens, though, I haven't gone into town after all.

Mr B has a delivery that I'm waiting in for, instead. Guess I'll have to run his errands tomorrow...



I've had a really good couple of days.

Nothing particuarly exciting to report, unfortunately, but I've excercised, eaten well, and caught up with a couple of friends, too.

I just feel really positive at the moment, and I'm sure that there'll be some jobs coming up soon! x


Insomnia is so... Tiresome

I haven't been sleeping properly at all just lately.

I can be absolutely exhausted, but as soon as my head hits the pillow, I'm wide awake.

I don't know whether I'm more worried than I am acknowledging about not having work, or if it's because I'm not mentally tired enough, or whether it's the baby brain thing, or whether it's a mixture of all of the above, but it's truly doing my head in!

I've resorted to taking some herbal sleeping tablets to try and get me back into the routine of sleeping. They worked for a couple of nights, but not so much last night.

It's really starting to get frustrating - a good night's sleep isn't too much to ask, is it!?


Baby Brain

No, this isn't an announcement about an exciting BFP.

Far from it.

More of a realisation that another year has passed without sight or sound of a baby for Mr and Mrs B.

And it seems to be taking over every waking moment. Even this morning as I was cleaning in the spare room, I was mentally working out how I'd need to change the room around to fit in a cot. Or I lay in bed at night wondering whether a moses basket would fit in there, or would we need to get rid of some of our furniture?

It's become a bit of an obsession for me - again.

I go through phases like this. I can go months without ever really thinking about the baby thing. Other times, it's all I can think about, and as though everything I'm doing is aimed at us having a Baby B to call our own.

Usually, these obsessive periods are triggered by something - a friend or colleague getting pregnant or having a baby - but nothing like that's happened this time. Although some of my thoughts do centre around which of my friends will be pregnant before me.

My friend got engaged not long before Christmas, and although they're not planning their wedding until 2012, I've managed to convince myself that they'll be married and have a baby before Mr B and I.

It's not healthy, and it's doing my head in, but I think I might just have to let it take its course and hope the obsession goes before too long!


The Theory...

The theory was that, while I was unemployed, I'd exercise and lose weight. I could walk to the gym (it would be my warm up), work out and then walk home (my cool down).

The reality is that, today, I thought I'd scope out the best route to walk to the gym - there are two options, y'see - one is shorter, but hilly, the other is longer but flat... Which would be my route of choice?!

Anyway, I set off on my walk, which Mr B thought would take about 30 mins each way. I decided to go short and hilly on the way there.

Half way there, and I thought I'd died. Turns out that hefting all this extra weight around isn't all that easy, and I haven't really done it enough of late to realise just how difficult it is!

I was supposed to go to the door of the gym to get an accurate time-age, but it didn't quite work like that. As soon as short and hilly crossed paths with long and flat, I started to walk back.

By the time I got home, I thought I was going to die!! I had cramp in my legs and the bottom of my back / top of my bum was is agony.

Needless to say, I wasn't carrying my gym kit, either. And the thought of doing an hour long workout in the middle of my walk nearly made me throw up.

HOWEVER! The whole walk, there and back, only took me 30 mins in total, NOT 30 minutes each way. AND that's 30 minutes more exercise than I would've had if I sat on my arse in the office.

In other news:

I've applied for 2 jobs and crossed two things off of my Never Ending To Do List, as well as cooking a casserole.

And that, folks, is my first day of unemployment!

Don't tell anyone, but I've had quite a nice day!!


2011 Wish List

  1. To find a new job that excites, motivates and challenges me
  2. To lose weight and get fit (especially while I'm waiting for number 1 to happen!)
  3. To be pregnant before the year is out