Inside, I'm crying

There is literally so much going on in my head that I want to get out that I just don't know where to start. And if I do, I don't know that I'd be able to stop. And I'm not sure that this is the right place, either. But I'm going for it. In brief, at least

ooOOoo

My brother is doing much better. We've talked (in so much as I said "How're you doing?" and he said "Fine, but I don't want to talk about it anymore"). I'm incredibly proud of him and the way he's getting his shit together. He's a nicer person to speak to and spend time with, and he's dealing with stuff really well.
It's weird how other people's opinions differ to your own though, isn't it? I was telling my friend about what's been going on with him lately, and mentioned that he couldn't afford to come and spend a weekend with Mr B and I and get away from home. She replied with "What, he can't afford to come and see you, but he can afford to go and get tattooed? Seems a bit shit". Actually, no. He gets a MASSIVE discount at the tattooist due to the amount of money he's spent there in the last few years, and the business he's put their way. AND I think getting tattooed, for my brother, is a way of making himself feel better. Whatever. I get it, and I don't care what any body else thinks. I love him, I'm proud of him, and I think he's awesome.

ooOOoo

We went back to the consultants last week. It was as vile as last time, except I spoke up for myself this time. I told her that I thought that she was rude and dismissive, and no matter what she thought, or whether I'd lost the weight or not, I was a human being with feelings and she had no right to speak to me like I was a piece of sh*t.
I was angry.
She was shocked.
I cried.
She apologised.
I win.

Ultimately, we're no further along, though. They still won't do anything to help until I've dropped at least three stone. The consultant suggested that I see my personal trainer more than once a week - she didn't want to pay for it, though, so that won't be happening.
I went to the drs afterwards, and they've given me a prescription for Orlistat to help with my weight loss mission. It's not the first time I've been offered it, but it's the first time I've said yes. I feel like a failure for saying yes, and haven't yet "got round" to getting the prescription filled. But, if I want a baby, I need to lose the weight. And if diet and exercise alone isn't helping, I need to bite the bullet and try everything that they're offering. Except a gastric band. Which is offered far too easily, in my opinion.
I was also prescribed a tablet to bring on a period, because I haven't had one since Feb. Although I have been spotting since. Great. Except it means I don't remember the last time we did the deed, which isn't helpful when you're trying for a baby!

ooOOoo

It was my brother in law's girlfriend's 30th birthday yesterday and he organised a surprise meal for her. Not long after they got there, they announced that he'd proposed yesterday afternoon. NOBODY was surprised. They've been together for 18 months, she moved in after 6, and actually we're surprised it took this long. 

What we were surprised about (and a little bit confused by, if I'm totally honest) is that they booked the wedding venue TWO WEEKS AGO. BEFORE HE HAD PROPOSED. So she knew he was going to propose, but not when. 

Oh, and the wedding's in June. This year. So that's 6 months time. 

It all screams shotgun to me. Nothing has been mentioned about a baby, but when he told us it was this June, it was my first assumption. And the fact that they haven't said she isn't is a bit odd, too. I nearly asked but knew that if she was I wouldn't be able to stay there, in a room full of strangers and pretend to be thrilled for them. So I didn't ask. But I want to know. 

My mother in law has said that it's "a question that needs to be asked", so I don't think it'll be long before she's asked them. 

I'm predicting an August baby. 

And a lot of heartache heading my way. 

ooOOoo

So that's me, and my tales of woe. 

For now.

Peace out. 

xx

Rough few weeks

I'm not going to apologise (again) for my lack of posts of late - it doesn't seem to make much difference, does it?!

I can't believe it's the 8th December already - where has 2013 disappeared to!?

The past few weeks have been tough - I still haven't really spoken to my dad, so I'm not sure what's going on with that; one of my oldest friend's marriage has broken up - just over a year since the wedding; and my little brother finally admitted last week that he's depressed.

This past week, in particular, has been an emotional one, and I've cried more tears than is healthy for anyone to cry.

I'm so sad for him, and can't help feeling like I've let him down. I thought we were close enough that he would speak to me about how he was feeling, and I'm hurt that he's been sad for so long (he's said since school, and he's 24 now) and didn't feel he could talk to me.

The sensible side of my brain knows that, when I was feeling like that, I didn't want to tell anyone, either. But the big sister side feels that I should've known that he wasn't happy and helped him.

I feel like I've failed him, which also isn't helped by his reluctance to speak to me this week. I'm consoling myself with the fact that he's talking to my mum, and she's talking to me, but it would be nice to speak directly to him and see how he's getting on.

I'm leaving the ball in his court, though - he needs to feel comfortable talking to me, and I've sent him a couple of messages re: giving me a call. When he's ready, he will.

I hope.

...or is it Work Sick?

This morning while I was getting ready for work, I realised that the level of sickness I've been feeling and the emotional instability directly corresponds to the time I go to work, so I got to thinking that maybe it was work making me feel ill, and not missing my mum.

(NB: That's not to say I don't miss my mum - I really do. Have you seen how frigging beautiful she is!?)

Considering the long and difficult relationship depression and I have, I made the decision this morning that my CV and I needed to spend some quality time together, and I needed to have a good long look at some job websites. Being unhappy at work, feeling sick and like I want to cry every morning isn't good or healthy for anyone.

Surprisingly enough, that made me feel better...

Then, as I was leaving work this afternoon I had a phone call from a job agency that I haven't spoken to in 4 month to see how my job's going because they'd had a job come in that would be perfect for me.

Spooky, huh?

I've looked at the spec, quite like it, and sent off my CV.

I can't help thinking that it's a good sign?!

What a difference a year makes...

It's a long one today. And a bit rambly. So, no offence if you skip it!

This time last year I was with 8 of my best girlies enjoying my hen weekend. I can't say I was overly impressed me in this:

and made me walk around Oxford city centre, though...

We did have an amazing weekend. Fancy dress, shopping, and learning the best dance EVER for my wedding reception.

But, it was also the weekend that I admitted to my mum, my cousin, Mr B and more importantly myself that I was suffering with depression again.

I was unhappy at work. I was stressed with the wedding prep (in fact, that's a lie. I was stressed because I didn't think I was stressed enough how absolutely ridiculous is that?!). But mostly, I was stressing that once we got married, people would expect us to get pregnant. Would ask us when they would come.

And I wouldn't be able to cope with it.

In fact, that hasn't happened. I don't think we've been asked by anyone, actually. The people that matter know our situation, and know we'd tell them if there was anything to tell. If anyone does think that it is their business to ask, I tell them (with a smile) that it's got nothing to do with them!

Anyway, I got back. I went to the doctors. I got myself a some help, and set about making myself better.

I spoke to my boss. I told him my situation. I explained I was unhappy with work. I explained that I didn't feel like I was going anywhere and wanted to make some changes with what I was doing. He promised that we'd make some big changes. That when I came back to work as Mrs B it would be a brand new start for me.

And changed it has. For the worst. I haven't progressed any further at all. In fact, I've taken a massive step back, which is one of the main reasons for my leaving at the end of this year.

But, on the whole, the past 12 months has been awesome. We've been married for almost a year. We've had two amazing holidays. We've started our TTC journey. I stopped the anti depressants. I am much happier now than I was this time last year.

Despite the dance lesson...

CD 46

So it's been 46 days since AF last visited. I'm definitely not pregnant, and I'm not even sure that I've ovulated. Although, in fact, I may have ovulated TWICE...WTF!!!! I really want SOMETHING to happen!!

I'm really lacking in motivation at the moment, too. I promised myself when I got back from holiday (nearly three months ago!!) that I would lose weight. I haven't managed it.

Then I promised myself that I'd go to the gym regularly and lose inches instead. I haven't managed it.

Then I said that I'd find a new job. I haven't managed it.

The REALLY frustrating thing is that I get myself really down about it, sit and cry and wail and make a fuss, but don't actually do anything to change the situation I'm in.

I'm so fucking pathetic.

But I'm also incredibly tired at the moment. I slept 12 hours last night, went out for a couple of hours this morning, and then needed a snooze. I slept for another two hours, cleaned the bathroom (for an hour!! I even used a toothbrush on the tile grout!) and needed another snooze. Ridiculous.

I think a big part of my problem is boredom, and I really need to get my bloody act together!!!

xx

Today is a good day...

... so far!

I have 5 more sleeps until my holiday, and that's where my focus is at the moment.

I've emailed everyone at work, telling them who is doing what to cover my work load, and given them enough time to speak to me about anything that's not clear. I'm doing as much as I can to get my desk / diary / emails cleared of everything that I need to get done, and once I leave here on Friday, that's it, I won't be thinking about it again until I'm back in the office on the 19th. THAT thought gives me a lovely feeling in my tummy!

I chatted to my friend whose birthday it was on Saturday and explained why I wasn't there. My depression is something I've been keeping to myself, especially at work, but I know there would've been talk about the fact that I wasn't there (and not nice, concerned talk, either) and I wanted to put the record straight. I, obviously, ended up crying again, but I think she understood that I wasn't just flaking out on the whole evening, I genuinely was in no fit state to be partying!
She did ask whether I was seeing anyone, talking to anyone, and I said no... Sometimes I wonder if it would be worthwhile, but other times I think that the time would be better spent in the gym, and surely blogging's a bit like my own personal counsellor (only cheaper!)

I'm probably going to go back to the doctors after my holiday, because, in all honesty, whatever she prescribes now isn't going to make the difference for about 4 weeks anyway. And, I think the prescription I really need would be a new job. I'm not sure you can get those from the chemist, can you...??

A mini mental meltdown

I lost it yesterday.

Totally and utterly lost it.

I went in to mental meltdown.

I was supposed to be going out for a girl from work's birthday... My hair was done, my make up was done, and I was quite excited about it. And then I tried to find something to wear. I had NOTHING. Litterally, nothing fits me. And if it fits, it's something I would wear to the office. How could I go on a night out wearing clothes that I'd wear for work.

I ended up crying a bit. Then a bit more. And a bit more after that, too..

I ended up sitting in the corner of the spare room, sobbing. For over 2 hours. Mr B had no idea what to do with me - I had no idea what to do with myself! It was a nightmare.

By the time I was done I was physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted, and not going anywhere. It was horrid. And on a par with the meltdown I had back in October that ended up with me at the doctors getting a presciption for anti depressants.

I think, no, I know, a lot of it is to do with work. It is completely taking over my life. I am out of the house for nearly 12 hours a day, and working for 10 of those. I'm exhausted, all the time, and have no time or energy for anything.
Because of that, I don't have time / energy for the gym - my evenings are taken up with cooking and relaxing before I go to bed, and the weekends are then full of the mudane house hold things that have to be done, as well as trying to spend some quality time with Mr B. I'm not eating properly - i know I'm eating crap because it's quick and convenient and I can't be bothered to cook a proper meal, but that, teamed with the lack of gym-ing, because I'm always working, is making me put on weight.
Then I get down about my weight, which makes me want to comfort eat, and I'm not going to the gym, so... And so the circle continues!

I know that I'll feel much better if I just leave my job, but it really isn't that simple. Is it???

x

Down in the dumps

So, I've been feeling really down in the dumps for the past couple of days.

I'm worried that it's because I've stopped my anti depressants... I was coming off them anyway, but just didn't take them last week when I was being sick (I didn't really see the point, in all honesty - nothing was staying in me long enough to be absorbed! Sorry, TMI), and haven't started again. I think that's probably having an effect, so I probably need to re introduce them again. Grr!!!

I've also been feeling really dizzy again (less today, actually) so it could be that AF is on her way, which probably isn't helping with my mood much, either. That would be exciting!

On the plus side, my mum's coming to stay this weekend. I'm really looking forward to seeing her, spending some time with her, and going shopping on Saturday! Whoop whoop! And then my dad and his wife are coming the following weekend for Sunday dinner. That will be nice, providing they don't annoy me! And it fits in nicely with my family goal.
x

The weekend starts here!

Well, today has flown by. Not that I'm complaining!

In an hour's time, I'll be on my way home from work, ready for the weekend to start. I might even have a cheeky glass of vino.

I went out last night with S and H and we had a really nice time. We just went for dinner, but had a good giggle and catch up. We haven't all been together since my wedding in November, which doesn't really count because they weren't quite my priority. So, in fact, it was March of last year that we had a good catch up. And, a lot has changed in that time!

S used to be our boss, and he spent a lot of time with me about 2 years ago helping me with my confidence / self belief. I hadn't told him about my depression (I think I was a bit embarrassed) but we chatted about it last night, and he's given me some things to think about to help me keep on track with that. We also chatted about the positive thinking and mind sets when it comes to driving lessons, too, and I'm definitely going to use that - if I think I can drive, and can pass my test, I will.

It all sounds totally airy fairy, and there was a time when I would've rolled my eyes if someone else was telling me this, but because I trust him, and he's helped me before, I suppose I think that anything's worth a try!

Anyway, it was good to catch up with them both.

I've got another manic weekend this weekend - I've taken the be-more-social goal to extremes, I think, and not really given myself / us any time to chill out... Never mind though, it will be nice to see people.

I must get to the gym tomorrow and Sunday, though - it's been to long, and this weight isn't going to lose itself....

Till Sunday!
x

Arrghh!

I've got an appointment at the doctors tomorrow, and I'm dreading it. I weighed myself last night in preparation, and it appears that I've GAINED half a stone since I last saw her. Considering I'm supposed to be losing weight, that's not great.

Having said that, my main reason for losing weight was to encourage AF to arrive, and she did, so maybe I should focus on that? Who knows what she'll say though - I'm a bit scared!

I'm coming off my anti depressants at the moment, too, and I'm a bit worried that I shouldn't be. I've been really fed up this week, although mainly with work. I've had enough of people in the office turning up at 10am, hungover and doing hardly any work. Or being in the office and calling around Estate Agents to organise viewings for houses / flats. I'm working a 50 hour week at the moment, and I've been told that I can't have one day a week to work from home, yet other people are getting away with that. I want to stamp my feet like a small child and claim that "It's not fair".

On the plus side, I'm out for dinner tonight with an ex colleague, and I'm really looking forward to a nice meal, great chat and couple of glasses of vino (which won't help when I step on the scales tomorrow, I'm sure!!).

Anyway, I'm at risk of being a hypocrite re: my work-related rant, so should get on! ;)

x