By boss finally got back from his holiday yesterday, so we've agreed that we'll catch up tomorrow morning (because there's only two people in the office today, so I won't have enough time!) at 9.30. He's not going to be in the office, so it will be over the phone, but it's better than nothing. And needs doing. I think once I've spoken to him, I will be able to truly relax on my holiday, and know that he'll be thinking about everything I've said, and, hopefully, have some suggestions / solutions in place for when I'm back. If he doesn't, then I'll need to make a decision about whether I stay or not. I need to put my health first.
That's number one on my list of things to sort out when I'm back from holiday...
The other things are:
* Get my ass in gear with my diet and fitness regime. I've been lame, and need to not be any more.
* Sort out about driving lessons. Working out work, will help me with that, though.
* Start charting / temping / OPKing / TTC. We've decided to postpone this (again!) until the Malaria tablets are totally out of my system, but I want to have a good plan of action in place before we actually start DTD.
* I read this article earlier in the week, and suggested to Mr B that we give it a go. What's the worst that could happen?!
This is, of course, all in addition to the goals I set myself in March.
I'm gonna be a busy little chick when I get back... But at least I'll have a tan. I hope...
I have 5 more sleeps until my holiday, and that's where my focus is at the moment.
I've emailed everyone at work, telling them who is doing what to cover my work load, and given them enough time to speak to me about anything that's not clear. I'm doing as much as I can to get my desk / diary / emails cleared of everything that I need to get done, and once I leave here on Friday, that's it, I won't be thinking about it again until I'm back in the office on the 19th. THAT thought gives me a lovely feeling in my tummy!
I chatted to my friend whose birthday it was on Saturday and explained why I wasn't there. My depression is something I've been keeping to myself, especially at work, but I know there would've been talk about the fact that I wasn't there (and not nice, concerned talk, either) and I wanted to put the record straight. I, obviously, ended up crying again, but I think she understood that I wasn't just flaking out on the whole evening, I genuinely was in no fit state to be partying!
She did ask whether I was seeing anyone, talking to anyone, and I said no... Sometimes I wonder if it would be worthwhile, but other times I think that the time would be better spent in the gym, and surely blogging's a bit like my own personal counsellor (only cheaper!)
I'm probably going to go back to the doctors after my holiday, because, in all honesty, whatever she prescribes now isn't going to make the difference for about 4 weeks anyway. And, I think the prescription I really need would be a new job. I'm not sure you can get those from the chemist, can you...??
Totally and utterly lost it.
I went in to mental meltdown.
I was supposed to be going out for a girl from work's birthday... My hair was done, my make up was done, and I was quite excited about it. And then I tried to find something to wear. I had NOTHING. Litterally, nothing fits me. And if it fits, it's something I would wear to the office. How could I go on a night out wearing clothes that I'd wear for work.
I ended up crying a bit. Then a bit more. And a bit more after that, too..
I ended up sitting in the corner of the spare room, sobbing. For over 2 hours. Mr B had no idea what to do with me - I had no idea what to do with myself! It was a nightmare.
By the time I was done I was physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted, and not going anywhere. It was horrid. And on a par with the meltdown I had back in October that ended up with me at the doctors getting a presciption for anti depressants.
I think, no, I know, a lot of it is to do with work. It is completely taking over my life. I am out of the house for nearly 12 hours a day, and working for 10 of those. I'm exhausted, all the time, and have no time or energy for anything.
Because of that, I don't have time / energy for the gym - my evenings are taken up with cooking and relaxing before I go to bed, and the weekends are then full of the mudane house hold things that have to be done, as well as trying to spend some quality time with Mr B. I'm not eating properly - i know I'm eating crap because it's quick and convenient and I can't be bothered to cook a proper meal, but that, teamed with the lack of gym-ing, because I'm always working, is making me put on weight.
Then I get down about my weight, which makes me want to comfort eat, and I'm not going to the gym, so... And so the circle continues!
I know that I'll feel much better if I just leave my job, but it really isn't that simple. Is it???
I just think the bag looks like it's shrunk around the clothes... Whatever. I'll see what happens when I'm allowed to play with them again at the weekend.
IN OTHER NEWS
I feel really down today. It's probably because it's nearly the end of the week and my exhaustion is about to peak, but I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and nearly cried. I'm wearing a dress (which in itself is pretty unusual, but summer's nearly here, so deal with it..) But I just look so fat. Who am I kidding? i don't just look it, I am fat. When I look at myself sideways on, I am so....deep. I seriously look like I'm 6 months pregnant (I'm not).
I know I've put a whole lot of weight on, but it seems to be all on my belly. It doesn't seem to have gone on anywhere else, which is weird, cos my arse normally balloons!
Add to that that I didn't have time / couldn't be bothered to put any make up on today (which is pretty normal ATM, TBH), and I look like a man.
I really need to sort things out. I think I'm going to "close the book" on my negativity, and come back from my holiday with a new, positive, can-do attitude.
I had a really lovely night with my friend last night - totally chewed her ear off - and all on the cheap, too! We went to a pub / restaurant, and they did free refills on soft drinks, so it cost us a grand total of £3.20 for two drinks (that we got refilled twice each) and another 80p for a bag of nuts. BARGAIN! And we were there for over 2 hours!
Mr B's friend is coming round for dinner tonight. It was all a bit last minute, but he wanted to see us before we go on holiday. It's weird - I never thought he liked me, but since the wedding, he's been totally different. I think it's because he was one of only 3 friends that were invited to the wedding, so he now realises that we both appreciate him and his friendship. Whatever.
I'm also really excited because I've ordered some Vac Packs for my clothes. They look TOTALLY AMAZING and will completely transform my wardrobe. If they work.I'm a little bit dubious, but can't wait to give them a try. I'm hoping that they'll arrive before the weekend so that I can pack stuff away at the same time as packing my bags. I'm not holding my breath that they'll be here by then, though.
It's been building for a few days, and can be attributed to a few different things - work, the holiday (and my panic about this damn ash cloud that just keeps coming!), my weight, the realisation that TTC might not be happening quite as soon as we'd hoped, and being totally shattered.
My friend is coming to pick me up (as I don't drive. Yet.) and taking me to a local drinking establishment. She is well aware that her shoulder may be soggy by the time we go home.
I love my friends!
I didn't even think about it, but someone's just said that, because I'll be taking anti-malaria medication, it would / could harm the baby.
Having checked with my trusty friend Google, it appears that that's the general advice given.
I don't know what to do - should we just "try" (let's say "not try not to get pregnant") or should we use contraceptives while we're there, just in case? The chances of us conceiving in the 2 weeks that we're away, with my PCOS, are, I think, slim. To non-existant. But is it a risk I'm willing to take?
What would you do?
Thoughts / opinions and experiences welcome!
It ain't gonna happen.
He's been on holiday for the last 3 weeks, and is stranded in South Africa because of the dust cloud that is affecting air traffic into and out of the UK at the moment. They've been advised that the earliest they can expect to get a flight home in Wednesday 28th April. That's a week and half away. I'm going on holiday on May 2nd, so the chances of me actually getting to speak to him are pretty slim, to be honest... Grr!
She didn't like what I cooked.
They stayed here for 4 hours.
They did bring us our wedding present, ready for holiday.
They did buy us a new suitcase for holiday.
They did bring dessert.
They did seem to enjoy themselves.
With that in mind, I invited him and his wife to dinner today. They live just over an hour away, and while I appreciate it's a fair ol way to come, it's always us doing the journey. We've lived in our house for more than 4 years, and today will be there 3rd visit.
Anyways, I suggested that they got here for 12, and we'd eat at about 1. They said they'd be here some time between 7am and 12 noon. (they were being funny, apparently). So, this morning I got up at 9 (seriously, it's a Sunday. I don't usually surface before 1!!) and sent a message asking for a head's up about when they'd be here.
At 10.45 they replied to say they're hoping to be here at around 1.30! Are you kidding me!! Mr B was out of bed at 5am putting the meat in the slow cooker (and that, unfortunately, isn't a euphamism) so that it would be ready at one, THE TIME THAT I HAD SAID!
Suddenly, I'm remembering why I haven't spent more time with them in the past...!
Well, my period's gone now, but the "bloat" hasn't. I'm pretty sure I can't kid myself any more...
I weighed myself this morning, and I've gained 3lbs. On top of the 7lbs I lost before Easter through being ill. So that's 10lbs I've gained in 3 weeks. Ridiculous.
I really need to get my arse in gear. I need to get back to the gym (or cancel the membership because I'm paying for something that I'm not using at the moment, which doesn't make sense.)
I've decided that I'll keep the membership 1 month after I get back from holiday, and if I haven't used it in that time, I'll cancel it.
I don't want to cancel it - I want to be a gym bod again! I want, no NEED, to lose weight.
There is only one reason for my lovely night's sleep - my hubby.
I've been having a pretty crappy time at work just lately, and I'm really not enjoying it. There have been a few days in the past month where I've wanted to tell them exactly where to shove their job, pick up my bag and walk home (it's 13 miles, so that's saying something).
Anyway, last night I kinda blew up at Mr B - that's how it works, right? You have a bad day / week / month at work, and instead of taking it out on your colleagues or people that are making your life a misery, you take it out on your loved ones.
We ended up having a long chat about the situation and how it's affecting me, my moods, and ultimately, our relationship. Mr B told me that if it's that bad, I should give them my notice. Even though I don't have anything to go to. And we have a mortgage. And bills. And all the other things that come with the joys of being a grown up.
I don't really want to leave a job when I don't have anything else to go to, but given the choice between that (which would give me the ability to attend interviews / search for jobs) and having a bit of a mental meltdown, I don't think there's really any competition.
Mr B telling me that he'd help me and support my decision, whatever it may be, has given me the confidence to arrange a meeting with my boss (who's also the MD) and tell him exactly how I'm feeling. Shame I have to wait till he gets back from his holiday on Monday.
And knowing that, I slept really well.
Thank you Mr B!
Anyway, today I feel like it's a bit of a solid milk chocolate day - lazy. Like the dude in the chocolate factory couldn't be bothered to throw in a hazelnut or something, so it's just a solid lump of chocolate. It's not a bad day, but it's not a day to get excited about, either.
I'm still having trouble with being tired. I don't know whether it's linked to AF's visit, or whether it's something else. I haven't taken my anti depressants since before Easter when I was sick, and I'm wondering now if I've been a bit stupid... I was taking 10mg every other day because I was in the process of coming off of them, but when I was being sick for the week, didn't bother to take them. Then, when I stopped being sick, I didn't bother to start again, because I didn't really see the point...
I'm feeling really fed up, too, but again, don't know if that's linked with AF, or linked to the lack of anti depressants. I guess I'll just have to sit it out for a week or so and see how I feel when AF goes. If I don't feel any better, maybe I'll start the ADs again..?
In other news... My weight is a fricking nightmare. I put on some trousers this morning and they were really, really tight. I'm hoping it's a bit of AF / white bread bloat, but I don't know how long I can kid myself over that one.
On the plus side, now the nicer weather's here, I am all about the salads. I had THE most delicious salad I think I had ever made yesterday for my lunch, and I've tried to recreate it again today. And I'll try again tomorrow, and Friday too, probably.
There's something about a good salad that just makes me feel thinner! I don't know what it is - it just motivates me to do better with what I'm eating. It's either that, or the absolute fear that has crept up on me knowing I have only 12 working days until my holiday!!!
I told Mr B. about my blog last night. I don't really know why I hadn't told him before - I think because it's something I'm doing for me, and I don't want anyone "real" to read it. (by real, I mean people that I know and see face to face. I know everyone that reads this is real, although not to me! ;) .
Anyway, we were watching something on TV and the woman on it was a blogger - but obsessively. I think we were watching House, and she wouldn't decide what treatment to have without blogging it and getting some feedback from her readers, which was odd.
So, I asked Mr B how he'd feel if I had one. Turns out he wasn't too impressed with the idea. He doesn't see the point, and doesn't understand why I'd want the whole world to know that I watched EastEnders (which I never watch) while I was eating my dinner...
When I asked him if he understood the concept of keeping a diary, he quite rightly pointed out that he did, but I wouldn't let anyone read it, so why am I now doing something similar online? Good question. Really good question, in fact.
And that question got me to thinking about my blog. Initially, I started blogging with the whole purpose being a place for me to rant and rage over PCOS and TTC, and all of the mental, emotionally draining aspects that are bound to come my way. I was doing it to try and SAVE Mr B's sanity - it must be hard for him, listening to me garable on all the time, watching me weep for no real reason, trying to be positive and cheer me up when in fact I don't want positivity, and I don't want to be cheered, I would just like to wallow in my own self pity for a while.
That's what I thought I'd use the blog for - for venting my own "woe is me" moments.
But, that hasn't really happened. It has become more of a "Today I..." blog, which isn't really interesting to me, let alone anyone else.
So, I'm going to aim to go back to my roots, blog wise. There may be the occassional (or more frequent than that!) rant about things that are getting me down, but predominantly I'm going to focus on the PCOS, my symptoms, and trying to get the baby I so desperately want!
My mum was here for the weekend, and I still don't think I've recovered from Thursday night.
We went shopping on Saturday, and I spent a fair amount of money on holiday clothes. BUT I spent the money in Primark, so I got lotsa stuff! Woohoo!
My mum's not a great sleeper, though, so she tends to get up early. She doesn't disturb me, necessarily, although I'm always conscious of it, so never really sleep in. So I feel like I haven't really had a weekend, cos for me, the weekend means a lie in, and I haven't had that this weekend!
I can't believe I'm back at work tomorrow. Although, I did get some lovely shiny red shoes to wear!
I'm not really much of a drinker. While some would call me a light weight, I would say it's because alcohol doesn't actually agree with me. I don't mean in a I'm-hungover-and-don't-want-to-admit-it way, either. It actually makes me quite ill, for long (2 - 3 days) time - I get the sweats, shakes and everything. In fact, I think it's probably linked to my blood sugars / PCOS...
Anyway, it's so much of a problem that, on the most part, I try not to drink anymore. I say try, because I'm not very successful at it.
As last night demonstrates... I had a networking event that I had to attend with work, and (quite naughtily) they had only provided alcoholic drinks. I know I could've asked for something non-alocoholic, but I didn't like to make a fuss.
So, I ended up drinking a few glasses of wine, eating some food, doing some activities and drinking more wine... We stayed at the hotel overnight, and I was really excited about the lie-in I would be getting this morning. For the past 4 months, I've been in the office at 7.15, so getting out of bed at 6am. Today, I didn't have to be in until 9am, and would be staying at a hotel closer to the office, so wouldn't need to get out of bed until 7.30.
Or so I thought.
I hadn't thought about the fact that, in order for it to count as a lie in, I probably have to go to bed at normal time. I didn't. It was gone midnight before my weary (and slightly fuzzy) head hit the pillow.
When I got out of bed 7 and a half drink-riddled hours later (having had to get up for the toilet twice in that time) I still felt a little bit tipsy, and definitely didn't feel any of the benefits of my "lie in".
Now, at the end of the day, I have a banging headache, and I'm knackered. We have to get my mum from the station, and we're going out for dinner, so it's likely to be a late one tonight too!
That'll learn me.
I'm worried that it's because I've stopped my anti depressants... I was coming off them anyway, but just didn't take them last week when I was being sick (I didn't really see the point, in all honesty - nothing was staying in me long enough to be absorbed! Sorry, TMI), and haven't started again. I think that's probably having an effect, so I probably need to re introduce them again. Grr!!!
I've also been feeling really dizzy again (less today, actually) so it could be that AF is on her way, which probably isn't helping with my mood much, either. That would be exciting!
On the plus side, my mum's coming to stay this weekend. I'm really looking forward to seeing her, spending some time with her, and going shopping on Saturday! Whoop whoop! And then my dad and his wife are coming the following weekend for Sunday dinner. That will be nice, providing they don't annoy me! And it fits in nicely with my family goal.
I read through one of the books we've bought about Kenya, and in the end, couldn't actually get to sleep! We plotted on a map where we're going, and we're covering a whole lotta ground!
We're starting off with one night in Nairobi then heading over 300km north to the Sambura Reserve for 2 nights. Then, we head 240km to Mount Kenya where we can watch animals at the watering hole at night - I think that's the one I'm looking forward to the most!
Then, Lake Nakuru - which has loadsa flamingoes, for one night, before spending 2 nights in the Masai Mara Mr B really wants to do a balloon flight, but I'm totally afraid of heights, and don't know whether I'd cope with it. That said, I don't know whether I'd regret not doing it while I had the opportunity. It's bloody expensive though!
Anyway, after that hectic first week, we're spending the second week here I CAN'T WAIT for the second week! I love that there'll be a maximum of 24 people there, and we'll all be grown ups. Don't get me wrong, children are everywhere, but I'd rather they weren't sharing my honeymoon with me!!!!
Now, though, I'm dizzy again. Really dizzy, like I did the other week. I slept for 12 hours last night, and I feel like I could still sleep some more. I can only think that it's hormones, and maybe, just maybe, AF will come next week. Who knows.
Either way, our Easter Weekend isn't quite as we'd hoped. I am, however, going to beat the dizzyness, pretend it isn't happening, and get on with stuff. It won't beat me this time!!!