And the house seems incredibly quiet. I'm really missing having them here. I feel really really homesick.
Although, homesick isn't the right word. Brother and mum sick, is probably a better way to describe it.
I miss them.
I'm a mixed bag of feelings, really.
I'm very excited about what's around the corner. It's a total blind corner, which makes it all the more exciting, I reckon!
I'm nervous, too. What if the corner's not really a corner, and it's more of a long bend and I don't find work for a long time!?
I'm terribly sad to be leaving all of the friends I've made here. Every time I've had to say goodbye to another one of them, and new wave of sadness, tears, and memories overtakes me.
But mostly, I'm relieved. I've done what I need to do to make me feel better, and now I can get on with the rest of forever.
Just two things would make me happy this Christmas:
1. To have our family with us - so if you can get the snow to go, that would be great.
2. To have something to look forward to in the New Year, work wise.
I woke up late while he went to get his hair cut, and then the two of us went and wandered around town.
We were home and on the sofa by 3.10. By 3.30 I was bored out of my tiny mind...
I guess it's just a taste of things to come in the new year. Only I won't have Mr B to keep me company then.
I've decided that I'll probably turn myself into a "WAG". What I mean by that is I'll just go to the gym all day every day, and by the end of January I'll be super slim and looking AWESOME!!!
On top of that, I will, obviously, get a job...
Finger's crossed for me, please?!
My mum and brother are coming to spend it with Mr B and I and I can't wait.
Christmas is all about family for me. Seeing my folks and Mr B's folks, grandparents, the lot, without the distraction of work, house work and all the other boring stuff that's going on every other day.
Christmas day is all about chilling out, playing some games, eating foods, and getting some drink in me!
I love giving presents too - I'm definitely a giver more than a receiver when it comes to gifting.
I couldn't care less when the tree goes up and I don't want to listen to Christmas music all day everyday in the office from the 1st December.
That, apparently, makes me a miserable Scrooge.
I don't gettit, just because that's not what makes Christmas Christmas for me, I'm the one that's in the wrong.
Surely I'm not the only one that finds the commercial build up to this one day of the year totally unnecessary.
Or am I??
Which means that I'm now only 4 pounds away from the heaviest weight I ever hit, 5 years ago. I'm sure you can imagine just how great that makes me feel.
It also means that, since I joined the class, I've GAINED half a stone. Somehow, I don't think that's the point of a slimming group.
I don't know what to do - it's obviously not working for me, and I'm spending £5 a week to be told what I already know. I know it's all down to me - if I ate anywhere near the plan, I'd lose the weight, but I just can't seem to stay on track at the moment.
I know there must be updates that I can give, but I don't find them interesting, so why should you!?
Work's... ok. I sent an honest and frank email to the MD on Friday and had a good chat with him on Monday. I'm still incredibly excited about it all.
I haven't heard anything about the interview that I went for last week. I'm hoping that no news is good news.
I still haven't had a period. I'm CD60. Last cycle was a 69-er (wahey!) though, so there's still time yet.
I don't remember the last time I spent a whole day following my diet, and I'm really struggling to find any motivation at the moment....
Like I said, nothing exciting going on, really...!
I ended up in the office on Friday morning with one of my directors. Until Friday, he hadn't actually acknowledged my resignation, but on Friday morning he decided he wanted to talk about it and try and understand my reasons.
It didn't quite work out like that, though - turns out he can't get his head round the fact that I'm prepared to leave a job without a new one to go to. He assumed that something must've happened in my personal life for me to make the decision (the only thing that's happened is that I decided I didn't want to be unhappy any more). Next he asked me if Mr B had had a big pay rise that meant I could afford not to work (he hasn't, and I can't).
When I'd finished telling him all the reasons I'd decided to leave, he told me that they all sounded like personal reasons, and that they weren't really anything to do with the company, so there's nothing that they can do as a company to make changes for other people.
Turns out, he didn't listen to the bit where I told him that I didn't think there was any progression for me there. Or the bit when I told him I was frustrated with the way they dangle carrots all the time and constantly makes the stick longer. Or the bit where I said they're all about the talk, and less about the action, which is really annoying.
My boss has also said that he had no idea that I was so unhappy. Turns out he didn't take me seriously at all when I told him, only 6 weeks ago, that I was ready to walk out because I was so incredibly unhappy. I'm sure that's probably my fault, too, but we'll see what happens after my conversation with him tomorrow.
On Monday, I handed in my notice at the job I've been in for more than five years, without a new one to go to. It was a tough decision that I thought long and hard about, and 5 minutes before going in to the meeting with my manager, I wasn't sure if I was making the right decision. Less than five minutes after I'd done it, though, I was certain that it was.
They made no attempt to change my mind, didn't try to keep me, aren't interested (apparently) in understanding the reasons behind my decision.
I was a little bit disappointed that, after 5 years of bloody hard work, they didn't even think that it was worth asking me if there was anything they could do to keep me.
I guess if someone's leaving with nothing else to go to, though, it's pretty obvious that there's no going back...
On Tuesday I had an interview for a job at a company local to where I live. At the moment, Mr B has to drop me off / pick me up because I don't drive, and I'm working a 10 hour day every day. In contrast, it took me 30 minutes to walk home after my interview - in snow / ice / dark, too, so I think on a "good" day (and when I've done it a bit more often and my fitness levels are better!) I could do it in 20. Awesome.
The job's a 6 month maternity cover contract, so nothing too long term, but it's with a massive organisation, so I think it would be a great foot in the door anyway. Please, keep everything crossed for me!
We also made a pretty big (but very sensible) decision about TTC this week, too. We've decided that, because I will be officially unemployed in 3 weeks time and I don't know when (or where) my next pay packets coming from, it wouldn't be great timing if I were to fall pregnant. So, we've decided that we're going to take a break from TTC. That's not to say that we're going to use contraceptives, but we're not going to jump to it when we think I'm OV-ing, like we have been doing lately.
I still haven't managed to get a new thermometer, so I haven't temped for more than a week.
I know I'm CD 54, though, and I think I OV'd a couple of days ago, which would make this cycle very similar to / the same as the last one, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Right, I've got a handover bible to write for work, so I best get cracking... !
I hadn't planned to stop, my thermometer broke, so until I can get a new one, I'm not worrying about it.
It actually feels strangely liberating. Not hearing the alarm go off and having to remember to shove the thermometer in my gob. Not charting what the outcome is. Not spending hours poring over the chart trying to work out whether the right time is coming, going, or missing altogether this month.
I'm enjoying my little thermometer vacation, but I know I'll need to start again.
I still don't have a new job yet, but my hopes are high.
I've been thinking about what to write in my letter, and I keep coming back to:
Not sure what the reference I'd get would be like, though....
We spoke to Mr B's parents about the baby situation and my PCOS...
Mr B got a new car yesterday - it's bigger and a bit more of a "family" car, and it prompted some questions from the in laws. He had mentioned my PCOS to them in the past, but not in a great amount of detail, and didn't explain to them what it would mean from a fertility perspective either.
He was there on his own on Thursday and they asked him about it - they were curious, but didn't want to raise it in from of me and upset me. Mr B explained everything as best he could, but I felt that I needed to mention it, too.
When we were round there earlier we had a good chat about it. I explained that it isn't impossible, but isn't going to be a quick and simple thing for us, either. I also explained that it breaks my heart that I might not be able to make Mr B a daddy. I ended up getting up a little bit upset, and my FIL had a little cry too, bless him!
I also told them that there's a chance that we'll need to have treatment, and a possibility that if we do, we won't tell them. It's a personal thing, and if we struggle with it (which I'm sure we will - we're only human!) we're not going to want to talk about it all the time.
They told us that there's absolutely no pressure from them and they won't ask us any more about it, but we can talk to them as and when we want to.
It feels like a huge weight has been lifted because we talked to them about it. I knew the conversation was always going to come, and was always a bit nervous about what their reaction would be. But it's done now, and I feel much better about it.
I'm also excited about the car, too - it's going to be the car that takes us to our scans, it'll take us to our antenatal classes, it'll be the car that we bring our baby home in.
That's what I'm telling myself, anyway...
I really didn't drink that much, but I went to bed at midnight and was up again at 6 this morning. When I got up this morning, I felt fine. Now, 4 hours on, not so much.
I've got a headache, I feel a little bit sick and I'm absolutely shattered. So much so that I could do with a snooze. In the office.
And, what makes it even better is that I've got to work tonight. Until late. ish. I'm really not quite sure how I'm going to make it to lunchtime, let alone 11.30 tonight.
Oh, and to add to my discomfort I desperately need a poo (and have done for 24 hours) but have a fear of going in a public place. In fact, if it's not my house or my mum's house, there's no chance.
Roll on midnight tonight when I get home, go toilet, and crawl into my own bed.
I'm incredibly disappointed with myself and my apparent inability to stick at a fucking diet and keep putting on weight, but that's nothing new.
That's all that's going on with me, really.
My cycle is never ending - I reckon my period's got lost in all the lard it's having to fight its way through...
We had sex because we could, because we wanted to, and for us, rather than because we should, we had to, and the time was right. I think we both enjoyed it (and ourselves!) a lot more as a result.
Maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe the constant talk about it being "the right time", or the right position, or whatever is having more of an affect on our sex life than either of us would like to admit.
I think that, despite the longing for a baby, it's affecting me more than I thought it was, so it must be affecting him, too. Although he'd never admit it. Being asked to perform on demand must be pretty tough going, though.
But, like I say, we both had a lovely time. We both enjoyed sexy time, too, and I think it's important for both of us to keep enjoying each other (while we still have the chance!)
I can't help hoping, though, that this weekend was THE weekend. That we've actually conceived on our relaxing anniversary weekend, amidst the snoozing, the eating (and there was a LOT of that!) and the drinking... That would be pretty special!
Happy first wedding anniversary.
Exactly a year ago, you and I were exchanging our wedding vows. I can't believe where that time has gone. It's been an absolutely amazing year - we've been to Prague, to Kenya, been snowed in, slept in my office, had broken heating and lots of other adventures, too!
I know we've got a lot of other adventures coming, too, and can't wait to have them with you.
I'm sorry that trying for a baby has taken over for the past few months. But I'm more sorry that I haven't been able to make you a daddy yet. I hope that that changes before we get to our second anniversary.
I love you, Mr B. You're my happy ever after, my best friend, my always.
I can't wait for the rest of forever with you.
We're going away for the weekend and it'll be really nice to switch off the phones, relax, and spend some time together, just the two of us.
George Bernard Shaw
I saw this one, and had to make it my Thoughtful Thursday post. In our marriage, this is totally true!! x
I'm struggling a little bit to know what to get him, and he's been particularly useless at dropping me any hints, so i've been left to my own devices!
I have had a bit of inspiration from the Love, Actually blog and I'm gojng to make some personalised scratch cards for him.
Hope he appreciates the thought and effort that'll go in to them.
Just need to think of some suitable... prizes, now!!
I am so angry at myself.
Last night Mr B and I had chip shop chips for dinner... Not healthy, not on my diet, and definitely not helping me lose weight!
I'd spent the afternoon cooking soups and things for the week so that I had some lovely lunches, but by the time it came to making dinner.
Frustratingly, last night's dinner was also going to be tonight's dinner, so all I've actually done is make more work for myself for tonight!
I'm CD19, with no signs of ovulation yet. I'm hoping that it hurries along so that AF can come visit again. I've got soya and EPO ready for next cycle, and I'm excited to get started.
Work is totally doing my head in, but the closer the end of November gets, the more nervous I get, too. I'm definitely handing in my notice, but there's still no sign of a new job for me to go to.
It's just over a week until our first wedding anniversary. Mr B and I are heading away for the weekend, and I can't wait. We're going to a country house not far away, but it'll be nice to get away... I've booked us a junior suite, but he doesn't know. I can't wait!
Work is still rubbish, I'm still not getting as much lovin' as I'd like, and I still don't know what's going on with my damn cycle!
I did, however, get so horribly drunk on Friday night that I was sick. Really sick. Sicker than I've been since my 18th birthday. Maybe even sicker than that... Anyway, it's out of my system now, and I won't ever be drinking again!!
I'd definitely see more of Mr B.
He seems to have been bitten by the bug again at the moment. He can go weeks (sometimes months) without even looking at it, but when he does eventually pick up the controller, I lose him. For hours, no days, at a time.
For the most part, he stays up after I've gone to bed. Which would be fine if we weren't trying for a baby... I don't think he quite grasps the salient details of the birds and the bees. Let's be honest, it doesn't happen by pressing the right buttons on a controller. (Pressing the right buttons for ME wouldn't be a bad thing, though...!)
Anyway, that's enough of my moan...
I bought some soya and EPO earlier this week. I'm too far in to this cycle to try either, but I will defo be popping some of those bad boys at the beginning of the next one.
That, and trying to entice hubby to play with me, instead of the PlayStation...!
I nearly walked out of my job on Friday. I tried to explain this, and just how annoyed I was, to my boss today, and he didn't believe me. Which frustrated me further and resulted in me crying. Which made me even more frustrated.
Fuck them, though - there's only 5 more Mondays until I hand in my notice. Ha!
My period finally stopped over the weekend. Hoo-rah!
I slept like a demon at the weekend. 12 hours Friday night, 15 on Saturday night. And I still feel like I could do with more.
I read A LOT yesterday. Don't get me wrong, I had cleaning, ironing and cooking I needed to do, but I read my book. It's called Divine by Mistake by P.C. Cast and I'm totally absorbed.... I think it's aimed at teenagers, but, whatever. I'm enjoying it... It's the first in a series of 3, and I went to try and get the other two tonight. Incredibly frustrated to find that they didn't have them any more... I'll hunt them down on Amazon, instead.
I've totally fallen off the diet bandwagon. So much so that it's actually making me feel quite ill. I'm constantly bloated and feel full. Think it's safe to say I've had a bit of a carb overload, but I'm getting back on it tomorrow, I promise.
For the past three days, I've worn trainers, jeans and a long sleeved top for work.
At home, I change the jeans for joggers, and the trainers for slippers.
What a glamour puss I am!!!
I don't remember the last time I wore make up, I desperately need to wax my face (bearded woman springs to mind!), and my hair is long over due a cut.
I sometimes feel like I should make more of an effort, but I really can't be arsed. I sit in an office all day with the same people, and it's enough of an effort to even make it to the office every day, let alone put my war paint on before hand!
It doesn't help that I ABSOLUTELY HATE shopping. I don't like the people. I don't like the lack of choice for fat birds. And I don't like the hassle. Internet shopping might seem like the sensible option, but I need to try things on, otherwise I STILL have to go to the shops to return stuff. Nightmare.
I'm actually out at meetings all day tomorrow. While I'm quite looking forward to it, I'm also dreading it. I have no idea what I'm going to wear. It'll be an interesting evening this evening while I'm working my way through my wardrobe, totally disregarding EVERYTHING I own!
New Year, New Start, and all that.
I felt empowered. I felt positive. I felt excited. I felt brave.
That was 4 weeks ago, though.
Now, with the end of November only 6 weeks away, I feel slightly differently.
I feel nervous. I feel a bit scared. I feel worried.
I still feel empowered, positive, excited and brave, though.
So, I'm applying for jobs like there's no tomorrow. The trouble is, I'm not really hearing back from any of them. There aren't all that many that are tickling my fancy, either, which makes it even more difficult...
Keep your finger's crossed for me, though, cos I just applied for an AWESOME one!
Today, though, the pain and sickness has gone, although the period hasn't!
I feel pretty shattered, but that's not unusual for a Monday, either.
I was disappointed that I didn't / couldn't make it to the gym yesterday, and it doesn't look like I'll get to go before weigh in on Wednesday, either. I've got a pretty busy week (and weekend) ahead, which is great socially, but not so great with the diet / exercise etc.
Work's pretty shoddy today, too. I came in to find 11 emails from one of the guys who is on leave this week, and a whole host of stuff to do for him. Thanks for the head's up on that one... The last email he sent actually told me to prioritise something that I wouldn't have usually prioritised so that it's done when he's back... I take it that means he won't mind if his clients haven't been contacted, so long as the other thing's done!?
This time last year I was with 8 of my best girlies enjoying my hen weekend. I can't say I was overly impressed me in this:
I was going to be really patient and POAS early next week, but I got impatient. It's a character trait of mine.
So, I did a HPT this evening. I guess I had high hopes. And now they've been shattered by the BFN I got.
I'm still pinning my hopes on the fact that I'm not out the witch arrives, and if she hasn't arrived by Tuesday, I'll try again...
Apparently, I OV'd 16 days ago. I'm not convinced.
If I did, this is the longest LP I've had in the cycles I've previously tracked, which on the one hand makes me think (very quietly, in my head!) maybe I'm baking a baby The
I think it's more than likely that the witch will arrive over the weekend, but if it doesn't, I'll test early next week just in case.
that you're happy; but to understand that you're happy and to
know why and how and still be happy, be happy in the being
and the knowing, well that is beyond happiness, that is bliss.
We couldn't decide what to do, but I had an email at work today from a hotel chain that have got a special offer on, so I've booked us a room here
He thinks I went for the cheapest option, but I haven't... I've upgraded us to a Junior Suite.
He better bloody notice...!!!
I wasn't expecting a 4lb gain.
I was really disappointed and don't think I deserved it at all.
One of the other girls went through her week:
I had chinese on Friday, with mojitos and champagne. On Saturday I went to a friends house and we drank wine and ate pizze. And Sunday I had a hangover and ate crap, too. So yeah, I think I deserved my half pound gain.
You deserved my four.
Whatever. I'll be there again next week. AND I'll be thinner!
To be a mummy
To get a new job (and be happy in it!)
To lose weight (and put it back on again when I get pregnant)
To keep going to the gym
To go on holiday with my mummy
To be happy
There are probably a whole load of other things, too, but they're the things I can think of right now!!
The bag itself is a Fiorelli one in a dark teal colour.
The bag itself hold my life:
3 different lip salves
A lip gloss
A mini purse with tampons (cos with PCOS you never know when the witch is gonna rock up)
Kitchen Towel (not sure where that came from!)
5.45 - Alarm clock goes off, switched back off again
6.04 - Mr B comes to wake me up!
6.05 - Get up, get washed, get dressed
6.40 - Head downstairs, eat breakfast
6.50 - Leave home
7.15 - Arrive at work. Get coffee, log on. Check emails / facebook / blog
8.00 - Start work. Try not to kill stupid-ass colleagues
12.00 - Eat Lunch. At my desk
5.15 - Mr B picks me up to head home
5.45 - supermarket. Quick stop for "essentials"
6.15 - Get home. I chill out on the sofa for half an hour, while Mr B gets out of his suit etc.
6.45 / 7.00 - Get dinner
7.30 - Watch TV / go online / chill with the hubs
10.00 - Bed.
10.30 - Sleep.
Mr B came and laid on the bed with me, and I asked him to read to me. He wasn't up for that, so I suggested that we make up our own story. I started with "Once Upon a time..." and left it for him to finish.
Nothing. Nada. It was like there was just a big gaping hole where his imagination should be. He couldn't think of anything.
So I continued with "... there lived a beautiful princes..."
Still nothing. I ended up getting so frustrated with his lack of imagination that I told him to leave me alone, and I'd come up with my own story!!
Luckily, after almost 18 hours of solid sleep, my migraine had gone.
I've been headache free since mid-afternoon on Wednesday, and I love being in my own head again!! Such a relief!
There are lots of ladies also suffering with PCOS, who have oodles of advice, support and friendship. Whatever the question, there'll be someone there with an answer.
I'm well aware that it's not the longest cycle in history, but it's the longest I've had in the past 12 months or so, which is really disappointing. I really thought I was getting somewhere with my cycles...
Anyway, last night I had the sudden thought that I hadn't tested for a while, and what if (by some strange, flukey turn of fate!) I was actually a month pregnant without realising!? Wouldn't that be awesome???
Why yes, of course it would be awesome. But things like that don't *just* happen for someone with PCOS! So I wasn't all that surprised or disappointed to get a BFN when I P'dOAS last night. I also OPK'd - there was no joy there, either.
So there's no sign of OV, there's no sign of AF, and I have no idea where I'm at....
Chop some courgettes, peppers (I like red and orange), mushrooms, spring onions and fine beans.
Cook them in a frying pan until they're nicely done.
Whisk some eggs and pour over the veg.
Cook in the pan until the base is firm.
Sprinkle on some cheese, and cook under a grill until the top's cooked.
It had rained all week in the run up to the wedding, so I was pretty much expecting that it would be a wash out (that's what you get for having a wedding in November in the UK!). But I woke up on the morning of the wedding to a text message from my cousin saying "beautiful day for a wedding". And it really was. The sun shone and there wasn't a drop of rain. It was a bit cold at times, but overall it was a magical day with our family and close friends.
It's so frustrating that, less than three working days after a week off, I'm so tired and run down again. If anything, I think it highlights to me how incredibly drained I am by this job...
To that end, I've frantically been looking for something new. I can't keep doing it, and I think the office move in December is the perfect deadline for me.
I've got fat club tonight. I didn't go last week, so I'm a little bit nervous about how I'll've got on. My plan had been to go to the gym every day last week while we were off, and that just didn't happen. In fact, I don't remember the last time I went.... I need to get back in the habit, but I really don't have the energy....
I'm absolutely shattered, but things can only get better, surely!?
I sent an email to the recruitment agent today and told her about the pending office move, and that being a "deadline" on the job junt.
I'm currently at CD43... Last "month" I ovulated at CD44(ish) so I'm going to get some action with Mr B!! Haha!!
On a completely different not, I read today that 21% of parents have forgotten how to play with their children.... That's a huge amount of people that just don't prioritise spending time with their children. That's really sad...
I'm already hideously pissed off.
I hadn't even switched my computer on before some dick head started reeling off a list of things I needed to get done today.
Seriously? You don't think the 183 emails are a priority of mine?
Someone's been using my desk / computer, so the desktop's clogged up with shit (that I'm tempted to delete) and there's stuff all over my desk.
So fricking annoying!!
I aimed to go to the gym every day this week. I haven't.
I was going to start selling things on eBay this week. I haven't.
I was going to sort out about driving lessons this week. I haven't.
What I have done, though, is chill out and relax a bit. I've spent time with my hubby. I've watched crap TV. I've read books. I've slept and rested. I've enjoyed my time off.
I'm a little bit worried how I'll cope next week though - being back at work, and not able to have a little nap in the afternoon...!!
I want a baby more than anything in the world, yet I can't seem to stop sabotaging myself.
I know I need to lose weight to help me get there, but I can't stop stuffing my face with crap.
I know I need to exercise to help me lose weight, but I can't stop coming up with excuses.
Because we're off this week, I was determined to get a head start on the diet and the exercise, but so far, I've achieved nothing. That said, I did spend nearly two hours this morning poring over recipe books etc, only to discover that I'd managed to confuse myself and get in a tizz that resulted in me crying, and getting nowhere with the shopping list.
I've come to the conclusion that I'm overthinking the diet, and need to simplify my thoughts and get my arse in gear. How else will I ever manage to get up the duff?
I have to admit that I was a bit disappointed when we arrived - I'd got it in to my head that we were going to Brighton. There's a big difference.
Namely, the age range of the people there. It appears that Bournemouth is where people go to wait to die... I literally felt the energy draining from me the longer I stayed there...
Anyway, we're home now.
We've got the whole week off work, and I can't wait. We've got a lot of stuff that we need to do, and one of them is me finding a new job.
And chilling out!!
This photo really makes me smile...
It was a work night out back in 2007. One of the guys FELL ASLEEP in the middle of the club. Not only that, but he was so deeply asleep, that he didn't realise this was happening to him (that's his head under the t-shirt!). Check out my friend on the left and how hard he's laughing, too!!!