I can't believe it's the 8th December already - where has 2013 disappeared to!?
The past few weeks have been tough - I still haven't really spoken to my dad, so I'm not sure what's going on with that; one of my oldest friend's marriage has broken up - just over a year since the wedding; and my little brother finally admitted last week that he's depressed.
This past week, in particular, has been an emotional one, and I've cried more tears than is healthy for anyone to cry.
I'm so sad for him, and can't help feeling like I've let him down. I thought we were close enough that he would speak to me about how he was feeling, and I'm hurt that he's been sad for so long (he's said since school, and he's 24 now) and didn't feel he could talk to me.
The sensible side of my brain knows that, when I was feeling like that, I didn't want to tell anyone, either. But the big sister side feels that I should've known that he wasn't happy and helped him.
I feel like I've failed him, which also isn't helped by his reluctance to speak to me this week. I'm consoling myself with the fact that he's talking to my mum, and she's talking to me, but it would be nice to speak directly to him and see how he's getting on.
I'm leaving the ball in his court, though - he needs to feel comfortable talking to me, and I've sent him a couple of messages re: giving me a call. When he's ready, he will.
I always struggle with what to ask my dad and his wife to get me - they don't really know me all that well, and I just struggle. But, when I was thinking about it this year, I decided that actually, I didn't want a present, but I'd like a day with my dad and my brother. Just the three of us, going out, doing something.
I know 4 people who have lost brother's, sister's, mum's and dad's this year - they're not lucky enough to get to spend a day with them again, and I'm lucky enough to have all of my family and I should stop taking them for granted.
To a certain extent, I think I'm also trying to ignore the stuff that's going on - if I don't think about it to write it down, it's not really happening, right?!
If you're a new follower courtesy of my post on the Lovely Leah's blog - hello and welcome! As I said in my post over on Leah's blog, I am a bit of an intermittent blogger, for which I'm sorry!
I'm also a bit of a random blogger, too - anything and everything goes!!
Hopefully I'll get some time to blog soon... like I said, much to say, not time to do it! xx
In theory, I need to lose 7lb a month in order to hit my target. In reality, losing anything is a bonus.
So this month, I've lost 4lb.
It's not the best start, but it's not the worst, either. I haven't really been all that good, and I can DEFINITELY exercise more, but it's a loss all the same.
Starting weight (2nd September): 20 stone 2lb
1st month weigh in (2nd October): 19 stone 12lb
Total loss: 4lb
Goal weight (@ 2nd March): 17 stone 2lb
Leah from Justmeleah.blogspot.com was asking for guest bloggers while she's on holiday this week and I put myself up for it!
I know I've been a bad blogger here - for which I'm sorry - but you can find my guest post here: http://justmeleah.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/guest-post-mrs-bs-top-5-tunes.html?m=1
Spend some time there, too - I'm a big fan of Leah and her blog!
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So, in 6 months from today, it will be March 2nd.
That's my birthday.
To be more precise, that's my 30th birthday.
It's fair to say that my life isn't where i envisaged it would be by the time I was 30, but frankly, it's not worth worrying about. I have a roof over my head, money in the bank (and a job to help keep it there), my health and a man who loves me.
But, I am trying to think of my 30th as a turning point. A bit like my wedding, I guess.
And with 6 months to go, I am aiming to lose 3 stone.
Half a stone a month. Doesn't seem to hard in theory, but considering I've been quite good for the past month but managed to GAIN that amount, it might be more difficult than I'd like.
I'm only going to weigh every couple of weeks or so, and will try to report back!
Starting weight (something I've never disclosed on here!): 20 stone 2lb
Goal weight (@ 2nd March): 17 stone 2lb
Ever since we moved in together (8 years ago on Friday!!), I've wanted to have Christmas in a different country.
I'm not a huge fan of Christmas, and I'd just like to see what it's like to not be at home. To not have to deal with the politics of whose house we're going to for the day (or who is coming to us), and all the other crap that goes with it.
But Mr B was dead against it. Christmas, for him, is all about family and spending time with them. I get that, but also think it's much "easier" for him. His family consists of his (still married) mum and dad and his brother. So spending time with them basically means the 5 of us being in one room together.
For me, there's my mum, my brother, my dad and his wife (who I don't like) and my grandparents. Spending time with the family is like a military operation. Working out who will be driving, where we'll be, who has to cook and how long we'll spend with each is not conducive to a relaxing day.
But, I got where Mr B was coming from, and I'd come to terms with not having a Christmas abroad any time soon.
Then, something unusual happened. Last Christmas, I put my foot down and said I wanted to spend Christmas day at home, just me and him. His brother - who had a new girlfriend - wanted to stay at home just the two of them, too. So that left Mr B's mum and dad at home on Christmas day, on their own, for the first time in 50 years. FIFTY YEARS!!!! They've always had Christmas with either their parents when they were younger, or their children as they've got older, and it was the first time that their parents weren't around and their children were doing their own thing.
And do you know what? They actually quite enjoyed it. And something clicked in Mr B. He decided that if they could do it once, they could do it again and maybe we should go away for Christmas this year! I totally held him to it, and within the first 3 days of being back at work, we'd booked the time off.
I wasn't sure, when I changed my job, that I'd be able to get the time off as I was the new girl, so we kept our plan to ourselves for a bit. But, about three weeks ago, I got the time off confirmed, and plans are back on track.
So much so, that we've told our families. My dad's not bothered, and my mum's quite jealous, but Mr B's parents were more than a little bit annoyed. They didn't actually say anything, but it was very obvious from what they didn't say, that they weren't happy. They obviously haven't considered that, if we weren't away, we'd've been at work apart from Christmas and boxing day when we'd be at my family's anyway, so they're not seeing any less of us than if we were in the same country as them.
I thought Mr B would back out and want to stay here, but actually, he's still keen, which is good. I am more excited about Christmas than I've been for a really long time. For me, Christmas is just another reminder that another year has passed and I'm still not a mummy. At least this year, I can spend the day doing something different, that hopefully won't make that quite so painful.
You're probably wondering where we're planning to go?
VIVA LAS VEGAS, BABY!!!!
Although the original plan was to go on The Eye, the more I thought about it, the more I realised how ambitious I'd been with thinking I'd be able to do that. I'm more than a little bit afraid of heights, and I'm a touch claustrophobic, so I didn't know that I'd be able to cope with it in the end! So instead, we did a bus tour round London.
We only live a 30 minute train journey from London, but we don't often go just to be "tourists". It's usually to see someone or do something specific, so it was actually really nice to just enjoy it for a day.
We've both said for a long time that we wanted to eat at a Gordon Ramsay place, and it was on our list for 2010, so it made sense to combine it with one of our dates, so I booked a table at The Savoy Grill for lunch.
I had a minor panic when someone at work said they went for her birthday and it cost them £400 for the 4 of them, but I knew the hubs and I would be ok with the set menu for lunch (Three courses for £34 each. Much more our budget.)
It was frigging amazing. The service, the food, the place itself. Fricking awesome.
I haven't done that for years!
It's not something I actually agree with, but at the moment I'm literally running out of time during the day and all I'm actually doing is typing up my notes while I'm watching TV.
It'll help me in the long run... !
May's date night was Sky Box Office Night.
We had a really lovely weekend.
As you can see, I'm making progress with my "take more pictures" resolution, too - more than 300 over the weekend... whoops!
July's date night is my responsibility, and I'm very much looking forward to organising it... Plans are already in place and I CANNOT WAIT!
So sorry it's been so long again. I literally don't know my arse from my elbow at the moment. It's nice that I'm busy, but equally frustrating. I'm incredibly tired, and don't remember the last time we had a weekend where we weren't doing something. And I think it's set to stay the same until the end of SEPTEMBER! Man, it's mental!
Anyway, in between starting a new job, being incredibly busy at the weekends, trying to get my arse in gear with losing weight and everything else going on, I have managed to do some crafting, which has proved quite therapeutic!
I found this via Pinterest and showed it to a friend whose brother was getting married. She was looking for something a bit different for a present for them and liked this, but wanted to do it herself... It turns out she's the least crafty person in the world, so she came to mine and I made it for her...
I thought I'd just do a quick round up of my 10 in 2013 and where I'm at with them, as it's the middle of the year!
1. Be Positive I'm not necessarily doing this consciously anymore, but I am definitely feeling more positive, which can only be a good thing!
2. Get my BMI Below 40 Yeah, so this one's not going to well. Let's gloss over that...
4. Swear less (particularly at work!) This one has worked out quite well - I set up a charity swear jar at my last job, which really helped to curb my potty mouth, and then the new job has helped, too. Trying to make a good impression, and all that!
5. Make more of an effort with my appearance. Again, the new job has helped with this one. I'm trying to look more smart and professional at work (I'm not sure if I'm pulling it off or not!!), and I'm wearing dresses and accessorizing more. We have a dress down day on a Friday, so my aim is to wear dresses for 3 days, and trousers for one. I can also wear heels now, too, because of driving rather than running for the bus every day!
6. Be more crafty. As well as the first date things, I've made a wedding present for my friend's brother; I'm in the process of making a wedding countdown calendar for another friend's sister and I have plans to make a wedding present for later in the year, too (separate posts to come!)
8. Cook new recipes / more regularly This one isn't happening quite as much as I'd like, although I am back into a habit of "batch cooking" on a Sunday to save time in the week. I did a new chilli recipe today, too, which tastes LUSH!
9. Bake a cake Hmm... so we all how the Easter cupcakes ended up. I'm not keen to try again, but I think I have to... my friend is having a Bake Off for her wedding, and I've been told I HAVE to enter... Joy
Last September I had 3 weddings in 10 days. Yikes! Rather than painting my nails every time and worrying about chipped polish, I decided to treat myself and get a Shellac manicure. They cost £20 (ish), but should last two weeks.
Perfect for my little wedding bonanza.
Or it would've been, if they hadn't peeled off after three days.
In all fairness, I think it's more me than the manicure - I had acrylics done once that only lasted 4 days.
In the interest of making the most of how I look for my 10in2013 challenge, I've started to paint my nails more regularly.
A couple of weeks ago I found this guide on Pinterest (FYI - totally in love with Pinterest!).
I had some birthday money left over, so decided to buy the stuff needed to see how I got on.
I always thought that my friends posting their pregnancy and birth announcements on Facebook was difficult, but this completely broke my heart.
I want MY mum to have baby cuddles with a grandchild. I want MY mum to spoil my children. And I want to make MY mum proud.
But most of all, I want MY mum to be this excited.
I want MY mum to be a Nanny.
She's my absolute girl crush and I love everything about her - she's hot, she's funny, down to earth and man can she sing! She's confident, knows what she wants, isn't afraid to speak her mind and I think I'm a little bit in love.
I've wanted to go and see her live for AGES, and I was very excited when her new album came out last year. And then totally gutted when both Mr B and I were on holiday when tour tickets went on sale and sold out.
I wrote it off as our tough luck.
The O2 released more tickets about 4/5 weeks ago, and hubs managed to get some!
I'm not a big fan of the O2, nor of sitting at concerts, but it's what we got, so it's what we had to deal with!
When we got there, I was a
It turned out that the seats were FRICKING AMAZING! I couldn't tell you what the stage looked like. But I can tell you that we were REALLY close. That she's ABSOLUTELY AMAZING live. And that it's the best concert I've ever been to (and I've been to a few!).
If possible, I'm even more in love with her than I was before. Below are some of my pictures - I took absolutely loads - but please, please check out this video on You Tube. It's by someone called EroticSludge, and they were obviously better than me because in my video all you can hear is me going "WHAT THE F**K!!" Amazing.
Well, when the guy called me to tell me know about the role, it turns out that when he told me that he would give me a call if another role came up wasn't just a nice brush off!!
He called me last night and offered me a job!
I am so excited (and a little bit shocked!).
The paperwork should be with me this week so that I can get my noticed handed in before my holiday next week.
So, so happy!!!
April's Date Night was BOARD GAME NIGHT! We had dinner at home, before spending the evening playing board games.
All good, except we don't actually own any board games! They're the sort of thing that we keep saying we should get, but never actually get round to buying.
the board at the end of the first game. Excuse the swear word!!
I was on Facebook earlier and saw pictures and posts about an ex-colleagues wedding last weekend.
Someone had put something a about them being a "great advert for marriage".
I couldn't help but laugh - it took him more than 12 years to propose; he snogged one of our clients at an event just after the proposal and had spent over a year BEFORE the proposal boffing someone else at work!
Perfect advert my wotsit!
It's all going a bit quicker than he'd expected, considering she only got engaged on New Year's Eve - he'd assumed that his baby girl would wait until at least next year before getting married.
Turns out that that doesn't work with her plans though - she's 30 next year and wants to be, at the very least, pregnant by the time her big Three-Oh comes round.
I sort of hmmmed and ahhed noncommittally throughout the conversation but couldn't help shaking my head as I walked away.
I can't believe people are still so naive to think of fertility and getting pregnant in such straight forward terms.
While I hope that everything goes to plan for them, I find it really bizarre that people still think it'll be so easy.
I suppose that's the difference between a family that have never had any sort of fertility issue and one that has, though.
As part of our list of 10 things to do in 2013, Mr B and I decided that we'd have a monthly date night. We were worried that we'd get stuck in the rut of going to dinner every month, so spent some time thinking of date nights for the rest of the year - some uber cheap, some not so much - divvied them up and put them in envelopes. Then, we can open each envelope on the 1st of the month and remind ourselves of this month's date and plan it.
I decided to kill several birds with one stone and include one of my personal things to achieve this year (being more crafty!) into putting together the envelopes - some of which I made from scratch, others I just decorated up.
|We couldn't resist a bit of Pick n' Mix, though!|
I heard last week that I didn't get the job that I applied for.
I was / am disappointed, obviously, but the feedback that I got was all really positive.
He told me that I presented well, I was candid and honest but that unfortunately I didn't have the client-facing experience that they were looking for for this particular role.
There is a possibility that there could be a similar role coming up in the next few months, and he'll keep in touch and see where I'm at if and when that happens.
So, slight silver lining?
In the meantime, I need to keep looking and see if there's anything else out there with my name all over it!
One of the (many) exercises we did involved us thinking about particular times - times when we'd been happy, or nervous, or proud - and bringing them to the forefront of our mines. Making them big, and colourful. Remembering how we felt.
It was a really powerful exercise and for me, demonstrated how easily you can change the way you're feeling.
One of the most interesting things, though, was finding out how people "store" their memories. One of the people on the course imagined that hers were stored in an old toy chest that she had to open to get the thoughts from. Mine were in a glass jar that I could carry with me, and access whenever I wanted.
I probably haven't explained that properly, and I'm coming across as a mental case, but it makes sense in my head and was really interesting at the time!
A while after the course, I was struggling a bit with my depression, and, whilst I often looked in my mental jar of happy thoughts, I decided that actually, it would be quite nice to have a physical jar, too.
I bought a jar relatively cheaply and decorated it (albeit, not very well - it could probably do with redoing) and then added thoughts to pieces of paper and threw them in. The jar sits on my book case.
Some of the thoughts are general, others more specific about particular feelings at specific times.
I love that if I've had a bad day, I can open my jar and spend some time with my happy thoughts. Or, when I have an AWESOME day, I can add some happy memories in.
How do you remember the good times?
So, one of the things on my list of things to do in 2013 was to change my job.
I've been where I am for the past 2 years, and it became apparent pretty early on that the job I applied for and the job I'm actually doing weren't really the same thing. That said, I'm also incredibly aware that, at the moment, jobs aren't all that easy to come by. So I've made do and I've stayed put.
But in the time I've stayed there, my confidence has taken a bit of a beating. I know I'm better than the job I'm doing at the moment, but I'm just not sure I'm confident enough to convince other people.
This year I decided I want to change that. And, I've made a start.
In fact, earlier this afternoon, I had a second interview for a new job. Without saying too much about it, it's an account manager role and would be a real stretch for me. There are aspects of it that I'd be able to do easily, but others that will really mean I have to challenge myself which I'm really excited about.
The second interview was a bit of a challenge for me for a start - a 20 minute presentation that told them who I think is the best retailer and why. WHAT!!! 20 MINUTES!!!
By Tuesday I'd decided that there was no way I was going to fill 20 minutes, but that I could present for 14 minutes well, rather than waffling on for 20 minutes.
When I was finished, they commented on how well I presented and how naturally I came across. Not bad, considering that I can probably count on my hand how many presentations I've done.
If I got the job, it would help me cross two things off my list, too - the company is a half an hour drive from home, so I'd definitely drive more!
I'll know next week whether I've got the job or not, and there's nothing I can do until then. I've done the best I can, and now I just have to wait.
In the meantime, it would be great if you could cross your fingers for me!?
1. Change internet provide. Boring, housey, but done. Have to say though, super-fast broadband from BT Infinity? Not really worth the wait.
2. Fix / Replace the Shower. This will be the fourth summer that we haven't had a working shower. We've managed without and had baths, but enough is enough, and I want a shower in our house again!!
3. Sort out the drive. I park my car on the front garden, and because of the rain it's a bit of a mud bath so that needs sorting. Particularly if I'm going to start driving more!
4. Monthly date nights. One night (or day!), every month, to make an effort to do something together. On Valentines day we wrote a list of things we want to do, divvied them out, and mixed them up. March's date night is a cinema night. We're yet to do it, but should be next weekend!
5. No TV, one night per week. We both like nothing more than sitting in front of the box, but sometimes it's nice to spend time without it on too! We don't have to do stuff together necessarily, we just have to be in the same room without the TV on!
6. Make The Most of The Weekends. Quite often, I'll go into work on a Monday morning and be asked what I did at the weekend, and I'll say "not much". What I actually mean is absolutely nothing. This weekend is a prime example - I haven't left the house since coming in from work on Friday! Sometimes, that's lush. But sometimes, I think we could definitely make more of the weekends. We don't have children yet, and one day we might look back and wish we'd done stuff while we had the chance.
7. At Least Two Holidays. Whilst we both had a holiday last year, we didn't go together. This year we're aiming to have two holidays. One in May and one later in the year. We've got Christmas week off, so we might go away for Christmas.
8. Get Fitter Blurgh. But, in line with my BMI reduction and our TTC, we need to be fitter.
9. Be More Social. We don't have many friends, but the ones we have are AWESOME. For whatever reason, we didn't see much of them last year and we want to change that this year!
10. Eat at a Gordon Ramsay Place. We're combining this with a date night later in the year. We've both wanted to do it for a while, and this will be the year for it!
Almost a quarter of the way through the year - should probably get cracking with these!!
If she didn't like something, she'd let you know.
My brother and I used to go with my dad and stay with her for a fortnight every summer holiday. One summer, I'd had my hair cut shorter.
"You've changed your hair", she said, "I don't like it. But, if it suits the wearer, bugger the starer".
My dad just grinned at me as I replayed it in my head, until I understood the sentiment behind it.
It was the first, but definitely not the last, time she said that to me and my brother.
If I wore something she didn't like: "If it suits the wearer..." she'd say, looking down her nose at me.
When my brother got his first tattoo. "What the bloody hell have you done that for?? Well, I suppose if it suits the wearer..."
It got to the stage that we knew when there was something she wouldn't like, and we'd quote her favourite phrase back to her before she had a chance. She'd give us a sly smile, knowing that there was no further argument to be had.
My Nanna died 3 years ago in May, but her phrase is something that my brother and I still use all the time. In fact, my brother is going to get it tattooed at some point. Which, in itself is ironic, because she HATED tattoos, and she definitely would've had an opinion about them!
It's something that I've found myself thinking a lot this week when people have looked at my new tattoo and internally judged me for it. When my dad screwed up his nose at my new tattoo, I just raised my eyebrows at him, and said "Whatever, Dad. If it suits the wearer..."
Thanks, Nanna, for the reminder that, no matter what other people think, if I'm happy, it doesn't really matter.
|Mum had a birthday cake made for me.|
|One of my favourite cards!|
|This badge was on the card Mr B bought|
|We went to Ikea (don't ask!) and no trip to Ikea is complete without a |
slice of Dime Bar Cake!
|My little brother paid for me to have a new tattoo for my birthday.|
It was less than half an hour old when I took the picture.
And, although it looks massive, it's actually smaller than a 5p
and will be "hidden" by my watch strap when it's healed
Wicked, wicked weekend!
Hope you had a good one, too.
My 10 in 2012 was a success in some ways (I passed my driving test and bought a car), but not so much in others (I'm still in the same job, and there's no Baby B), but overall it was something that I found useful.
So, I decided to right a new list for 2013.
Here it is:
1. Be Positive This is a carry over from last year. Sometimes, it's super easy to think of the bad stuff - the things I don't have or haven't achieved. But, spending just a couple of minutes every day thinking of the GOOD things really helps.
2. Get my BMI Below 40 This one is probably the toughest - not only as a physical challenge, but because it's the one I don't really agree with the most. I couldn't give a flying monkey crap about my BMI, but I want a baby. To have a baby, I need to get my PCOS under control. To get my PCOS under control, I need to lose weight. And quite frankly, I can't cope with another appointment with the consultant like we had back in January...
3. Take More Photos I love photos. But, I was really disappointed with the amount of photos I took last year so I want to take more this year. I think my main downfall is my smart phone, though - I take a whole load of photos on there that I do nothing with... D'oh!
4. Swear less (particularly at work!) I swear like a sailor. My language is FOUL and I've become more conscious of it - especially since I'm more unhappy at work. So, I want to cut down. And, I've started a charity swear jar to help. An F-bomb costs me 20p, and all others are 10p. I started mid January and have nearly £12 already! Having said that, I had 3 days this week without putting any in, and my language at home is much better, too!
5. Make more of an effort with my appearance. I have a massive amount of makeup and jewellery, but rarely use / wear it, so I want to start. Oh, and get my legs out more, too.
6. Be more crafty. I love crafting, but haven't done much really. It's a real release for me - I fully concentrate on it and relax.
7. Drive more! Although I passed my driving test, I don't really drive very often. I'm paid a bonus every month for not driving to work, and that more than pays for my bus fare, so I don't drive to work. I also don't drive places I don't know, because I panic about parking.... I need to (wo)man up, and just start doing it!
8. Cook new recipes / more regularly Cooking is another thing I love, but don't do enough of. I think like most people, I have my staple recipes and tend to stick to them, but I want to be more adventurous!
9. Bake a cake I am 28 years old and I have never baked a cake without the help of my mum or a teacher. I will rectify that this year!
10. Change job Another roll over from last year, but I'm determined. I am better than the job I'm currently doing. And I will prove it!
I also managed to get Mr B to agree to doing a joint 10 for 2013 which I'll share soon!
Wish me luck!
After getting a bit of advice from a friend, I've decided to give my CV a complete revamp.
Turns out that's much easier said than done.
Having been in my current job for just over 2 years, I've realised that it's completely sapped all confidence I had in myself as an employee.
Although I wasn't happy in my previous job, when I left there I was pretty secure in my knowledge of what I could do and what I was capable of. It's been a long time since I've known what that was, though.
I realised pretty soon after starting my current job that
a) It was a big step back and
b) It wasn't what I thought it was when I was interviewed and offered the job.
But, I stuck with it because it was sort of what I needed at the time, the money was good and, at the end of the day, it was a job and all I was hearing about was the doom and gloom that was the job market at the time.
Two years later, though, and I feel like my brain is mush, I still HATE the job and know I can do MUCH better, but putting it on paper is proving to be the end of me. I've been sat for 20 minutes trying to put down my Key Skills. I've not got far...
It's been quite difficult, since Christmas, to get into a groove of eating and exercising. Because of the snow, Weight Watchers was cancelled, and it was difficult to get to the gym as often as we'd have liked.
Weight Watchers was back in full swing this week, though. Unfortunately, I gained half a pound. In the grand scheme of things (considering I'd been left to my own devices for 3 weeks) that wasn't too bad. However, in 6 weeks I've only lost 2.5lbs over all, which isn't great. Actually, it's pretty appalling and not really motivational when I'm supposed to be on a mission.
I spoke to the group leader on Monday about what I'm eating, and it turns out that I might not be eating enough.
Then, on Tuesday, when I was speaking to my personal trainer, she's suggested that I'm probably not exercising enough, either, and I should look at WHAT I'm eating, to see if that's a factor.
I already know that bread makes me bloat. A lot. In an ideal world, I'd cut it out altogether, but it's all too easy to grab a sandwich for lunch or toast for breakfast.
My plan for the next couple of weeks is to:
* Eat more Pro Points
* Get into an exercise routine
* Make a conscious effort not to eat bread. As much.
I'm hoping that will have an impact on my weightloss... finger's crossed! x
So it's been snowing this week.
It looks pretty and everything, but it turns everything into such a MISSION. I hate it. On Friday, I left work at 10.50 and walked in the door at 1.15. It's usually a 25 minute journey in bad traffic. Joy.
The other frustrating thing is that, last Monday, my Weight Watchers meeting was cancelled due to 'elf n safety. And, with the snow still coming down now, I can't help thinking that tomorrow's meeting will be cancelled too.
I find it really difficult to stick to plan when I don't weigh in. It's as if I think I can reel it back in BEFORE next week.
I've tried to be good this week,I've stuck to plan, and I've exercised more, but...
I did a sneaky weigh this morning, and it suggested that I've gained a pound. Having looked back through my food diary, I actually don't think I've eaten enough. That, in itself, confuses me. I've eaten three meals a day, and snacked. I've not been hungry, but I'm well under my daily allowances. If I ate more, I'd be eating just for the sake of it.
We went to the gym on Sunday - the first time in a long time. Unfortunately, I only managed about half an hour, which I think is mainly due to not being 100% over the sickness bug yet.
Weight watchers was cancelled last night because of the snow, but a home weigh in revealed a 2lb loss!
And tonight I saw my personal trainer for the first time this year. I loved it! And she bought me the slow cooker recipe book, which I'm super excited about.
Now, I'm not going to lie - the weight hasn't come off anywhere near like it should have. But, the dietician had been very positive about my progress and suggested that I make them aware that, although my weight hasn't changed all that much, I have lost inches, particularly from around my waist. From her perspective, that was better for me than losing weight, anyway.
We saw a different consultant this time to the one we saw at our first appointment, and I knew it wasn't going to go well when he said that I have "PCOS because of my size, obviously".
That, in itself isn't true.
He asked how the weight loss had gone and I admitted that since my last appointment I'd only lost 4 / 5lbs, but that I had lost 18.5cms.
"Sorry, you've lost me", he said, "What do you mean you've lost 18.5cms?"
"Well, I've measured myself - waist, hips, everywhere - and I've lost 18.5cms", I replied.
"That doesn't make sense. How can you lose CMs if you've not lost weight?", he said, looking at me as if I were stupid.
I looked at Mr B, and said "Well, it's muscle definition, isn't it? I'm changing the shape of muscle".
He continued to look at me as if I was stupid and said "Well that just doesn't make any sense. I don't understand that, so I don't believe it can be true".
What. The. Actual. F*ck.
Both my personal trainer AND the dietician have been really pleased with the lower measurements, and I've been on enough diets to know that they encourage you to measure yourself because even when you're not losing weight you can be losing the inches.
He then went on to lecture me, in an incredibly patronising way, about how to lose weight and how it would help not only with trying for a baby, but with my whole life. "Just think", he said, "about the impact it'll have".
Obviously making the assumption that because I'm fat, I'm unhappy.
In the end, (I think because he could see I was about to snap), Mr B asked what the aim was.
"Obviously", he said, "the ideal BMI is 25, but that's a long way off, so I think that perhaps trying to get it down as much as possible is the way to go."
"When we were here last time, I was told to aim for 40. Is that realistic?" I said.
"Well, y'know, we'd have to see. It's hard to say, really", he said, in a really noncommittal way.
"Right well I want to know - if I come back here with a BMI of 40, will you be telling me to go away again
until it's 35?", I pushed.
"In all honesty, I'd have to see you. Like I said, 25 is ideal, but if you were at that, we wouldn't be having this conversation because you wouldn't have the PCOS. Y'know, all of the symptoms of PCOS are reversible through weight loss", he said, glancing at my beard.
If it hadn't been for the fact that I was almost in tears because of the way he'd spoken to me, I would have corrected him. And given him a little extra piece of my mind. As it was, I was close to crying and / or punching him in the face, so I got my next appointment and walked out.
I got as far as the waiting room before the tears started. It was a relief, though, when Mr B exclaimed that "He was a cock", because I was worried that I was being overly sensitive.
He was a nasty, horrible man who took one look at me and decided it was my fault because I was fat. It wouldn't surprise me if he didn't actually think PCOS were a real condition - he obviously knows nothing about it and is far too arrogant to learn.
I spent most of the rest of the day in tears, and was still pretty delicate on Wednesday. But now I'm angry and determined to lose the weight.
I'm also going to look into the NHS Choices scheme, to see if I can refuse to see him again, or find a consultant that specialises in PCOS.
But, for now, the plan is to get back on it and prove him wrong.