Rough few weeks

I'm not going to apologise (again) for my lack of posts of late - it doesn't seem to make much difference, does it?!

I can't believe it's the 8th December already - where has 2013 disappeared to!?

The past few weeks have been tough - I still haven't really spoken to my dad, so I'm not sure what's going on with that; one of my oldest friend's marriage has broken up - just over a year since the wedding; and my little brother finally admitted last week that he's depressed.

This past week, in particular, has been an emotional one, and I've cried more tears than is healthy for anyone to cry.

I'm so sad for him, and can't help feeling like I've let him down. I thought we were close enough that he would speak to me about how he was feeling, and I'm hurt that he's been sad for so long (he's said since school, and he's 24 now) and didn't feel he could talk to me.

The sensible side of my brain knows that, when I was feeling like that, I didn't want to tell anyone, either. But the big sister side feels that I should've known that he wasn't happy and helped him.

I feel like I've failed him, which also isn't helped by his reluctance to speak to me this week. I'm consoling myself with the fact that he's talking to my mum, and she's talking to me, but it would be nice to speak directly to him and see how he's getting on.

I'm leaving the ball in his court, though - he needs to feel comfortable talking to me, and I've sent him a couple of messages re: giving me a call. When he's ready, he will.

I hope.


All I want for Christmas...

I started thinking about what I'd like for Christmas a few weeks ago... I know that my inlaws will want to know before long and if I don't give them some ideas, then I will end up with something really crap (a candle in the shape of a slice of cheesecake, anyone?!).

I always struggle with what to ask my dad and his wife to get me - they don't really know me all that well, and I just struggle. But, when I was thinking about it this year, I decided that actually, I didn't want a present, but I'd like a day with my dad and my brother. Just the three of us, going out, doing something.

I know 4 people who have lost brother's, sister's, mum's and dad's this year - they're not lucky enough to get to spend a day with them again, and I'm lucky enough to have all of my family and I should stop taking them for granted.

I spoke to my brother about it to see what he thought. "I'm up for it," he said, "but he won't do it. Not without her."

Her. Yeah. So that's my dad's wife. They've been married 4 years, together for maybe 15. The two of us have never got on. She's an evil, manipulative little dwarf, and I have no time for her. To be honest, she didn't endear herself to me when she called me a user and a bitch because I called my dad for a lift one night. I was 17. 

But the day out isn't about her, or Mr B, or them feeling left out. This is about me, my brother and my dad having a day out - to enjoy each other, to have fun and, actually, to get to know each other a bit. 

My mum and dad divorced when I was 6. My brother doesn't remember him ever being at home. We've always seen him and spent time with him at the weekends, but to be honest, he's never been one of those weekend dads that made an effort. Usually, a weekend consisted of me and my brother watching TV on a Saturday morning while he slept; a trip to town; shopping at Tesco; a really late night and "Sunday dinner" at KFC before taking us home. He never went above and beyond - never picked us up from school, or took us out in the week... He had us for 2 days a week, and that was it. 
As we got older, we spent less time with him. I got a Saturday job (like most teenagers) and the money and independence that gave me became more important. 

Still, no effort from him. I'd suggest that we could go for dinner together - he couldn't be bothered. To the snooker club? Nah, not this week. 

So, I can totally see why my brother didn't think he'd be up for it. 

I decided that my best course of attack was to her Her onside first. By appealing to her "better nature", I might be able to convince him.

So I spoke to her. Surprisingly, she thought it was a good idea, and could see where I was coming from. She told me that every Christmas she wondered if that was the last card that she'd get from her dad until 1 year, it was.

Just Dad to convince, then. 

I told him what I thought, asked what he thought and yeah, he thought it was a good idea. That was on Sunday two weeks ago.

On the Monday, he called me to say that he'd been thinking about it, and he didn't want to do it. He, as a husband, couldn't leave his wife at home for a day, and he didn't think it was right for me to do that to MY husband either. 

What the .... WHAT!?!

I pointed out that my husband wouldn't dare tell me that I couldn't spend a day with my brother and my dad, and if he did, I'd tell him where to go. I'm MARRIED, not a a siamese twin. I also pointed out that, when I'd spoken to Her, she'd totally understood where I was coming from and thought it was a good idea. That shut him up. He was using Her as an excuse, and didn't realise that I'd spoken to her, in advance. 

I told him to think about it - again - and let me know. But that I'd be really disappointed if he didn't do it because there are plenty of people that would like to spend a day with a parent that they don't have any more. 

I didn't hear anything for 2 weeks. I didn't think I was that bothered by it, until he eventually called me on Monday. I was expecting a blazing row that would signal the end of our father / daughter relationship - that's how passionately I felt about this day out. 

His next excuse was that he wasn't prepared to do it and have Her not have a Christmas present from us. Because - obviously - at 56, she can't possibly NOT have a Christmas present one year *eyeroll*. 

I pointed out that at NO POINT did I suggest that She and Mr B didn't get Christmas presents. Just that the three of us wouldn't - we'd use the money towards the day out. 

After a bit of huffing a puffing, he's agreed to it. 

For now. 

MAMMOTH post - so sorry! 


So much going on!

There are so many things going on at the moment - so many posts just waiting to be written - but just not enough time to write them.

To a certain extent, I think I'm also trying to ignore the stuff that's going on - if I don't think about it to write it down, it's not really happening, right?!

If you're a new follower courtesy of my post on the Lovely Leah's blog - hello and welcome! As I said in my post over on Leah's blog, I am a bit of an intermittent blogger, for which I'm sorry!

I'm also a bit of a random blogger, too - anything and everything goes!!

Hopefully I'll get some time to blog soon... like I said, much to say, not time to do it! xx


Month One Weigh In

I'm a month in to my 6 month challenge to lose 3 stone before my 30th birthday and I had my first weigh in this morning.

In theory, I need to lose 7lb a month in order to hit my target. In reality, losing anything is a bonus.

So this month, I've lost 4lb.

It's not the best start, but it's not the worst, either. I haven't really been all that good, and I can DEFINITELY exercise more, but it's a loss all the same.

Starting weight (2nd September): 20 stone 2lb
1st month weigh in (2nd October): 19 stone 12lb
Total loss: 4lb
Goal weight (@ 2nd March): 17 stone 2lb


Guest blogger!

Leah from Justmeleah.blogspot.com was asking for guest bloggers while she's on holiday this week and I put myself up for it!

I know I've been a bad blogger here - for which I'm sorry - but you can find my guest post here: http://justmeleah.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/guest-post-mrs-bs-top-5-tunes.html?m=1

Spend some time there,  too - I'm a big fan of Leah and her blog! 

Posted via Blogaway


6 months, 3 stone

So, in 6 months from today,  it will be March 2nd.

That's my birthday. 

To be more precise,  that's my 30th birthday. 

It's fair to say that my life isn't where i envisaged it would be by the time I was 30, but frankly,  it's not worth worrying about.  I have a roof over my head, money in the bank (and a job to help keep it there), my health and a man who loves me.

But, I am trying to think of my 30th as a turning point. A bit like my wedding, I guess.

And with 6 months to go, I am aiming to lose 3 stone. 

Half a stone a month.  Doesn't seem to hard in theory, but considering I've been quite good for the past month but managed to GAIN that amount, it might be more difficult than I'd like. 

I'm only going to weigh every couple of weeks or so, and will try to report back!

Starting weight (something I've never disclosed on here!): 20 stone 2lb
Goal weight (@ 2nd March): 17 stone 2lb


Christmas Time...

Yes, I know it's still a few months away, but it's something that Mr B and I have been talking about for a while...

Ever since we moved in together (8 years ago on Friday!!), I've wanted to have Christmas in a different country.
I'm not a huge fan of Christmas, and I'd just like to see what it's like to not be at home. To not have to deal with the politics of whose house we're going to for the day (or who is coming to us), and all the other crap that goes with it.

But Mr B was dead against it. Christmas, for him, is all about family and spending time with them. I get that, but also think it's much "easier" for him. His family consists of his (still married) mum and dad and his brother. So spending time with them basically means the 5 of us being in one room together.

For me, there's my mum, my brother, my dad and his wife (who I don't like) and my grandparents. Spending time with the family is like a military operation. Working out who will be driving, where we'll be, who has to cook and how long we'll spend with each is not conducive to a relaxing day.

But, I got where Mr B was coming from, and I'd come to terms with not having a Christmas abroad any time soon.

Then, something unusual happened. Last Christmas, I put my foot down and said I wanted to spend Christmas day at home, just me and him. His brother - who had a new girlfriend - wanted to stay at home just the two of them, too. So that left Mr B's mum and dad at home on Christmas day, on their own, for the first time in 50 years. FIFTY YEARS!!!! They've always had Christmas with either their parents when they were younger, or their children as they've got older, and it was the first time that their parents weren't around and their children were doing their own thing.

And do you know what? They actually quite enjoyed it. And something clicked in Mr B. He decided that if they could do it once, they could do it again and maybe we should go away for Christmas this year! I totally held him to it, and within the first 3 days of being back at work, we'd booked the time off.

I wasn't sure, when I changed my job, that I'd be able to get the time off as I was the new girl, so we kept our plan to ourselves for a bit. But, about three weeks ago, I got the time off confirmed, and plans are back on track.

So much so, that we've told our families. My dad's not bothered, and my mum's quite jealous, but Mr B's parents were more than a little bit annoyed. They didn't actually say anything, but it was very obvious from what they didn't say, that they weren't happy. They obviously haven't considered that, if we weren't away, we'd've been at work apart from Christmas and boxing day when we'd be at my family's anyway, so they're not seeing any less of us than if we were in the same country as them.

I thought Mr B would back out and want to stay here, but actually, he's still keen, which is good. I am more excited about Christmas than I've been for a really long time. For me, Christmas is just another reminder that another year has passed and I'm still not a mummy. At least this year, I can spend the day doing something different, that hopefully won't make that quite so painful.

You're probably wondering where we're planning to go?



July Date Night

So July's date "night" was one I was really looking forward to - a tourist day in London with lunch at a Gordon Ramsay restaurant and a trip on the London Eye.

Although the original plan was to go on The Eye, the more I thought about it, the more I realised how ambitious I'd been with thinking I'd be able to do that. I'm more than a little bit afraid of heights, and I'm a touch claustrophobic, so I didn't know that I'd be able to cope with it in the end! So instead, we did a bus tour round London.

We only live a 30 minute train journey from London, but we don't often go just to be "tourists". It's usually to see someone or do something specific, so it was actually really nice to just enjoy it for a day.

We've both said for a long time that we wanted to eat at a Gordon Ramsay place, and it was on our list for 2010, so it made sense to combine it with one of our dates, so I booked a table at The Savoy Grill for lunch.

I had a minor panic when someone at work said they went for her birthday and it cost them £400 for the 4 of them, but I knew the hubs and I would be ok with the set menu for lunch (Three courses for £34 each. Much more our budget.)

It was frigging amazing. The service, the food, the place itself. Fricking awesome.

I was a bit self conscious taking photos of the food in there, so they're not great but I ate (top row) baked beetroot with shallot, mozarella and toasted pine nuts; beef filet ravioli with garden peas and Eton mess. Hubs had duck egg mayonnaise, goats cheese and red onion tart and summer berry mille fueille. 

It was, without a doubt, the best meal I've ever had. And definitely worth the money. The service was immense, too - and despite the fact that we were both wearing jeans, I didn't feel under-dressed or that we were being "looked down on", which was nice. 

We then did the bus tour, which was pretty interesting - we both saw things that we'd never seen before, which was cool, and it's given us ideas for other date days in the future!! 

We're having to put August's date day on hold, though - it's to go to the theatre, and the local one is only showing kids stuff this month. I never thought of summer holidays when planning that one!! 

We will get there, just not this month. x


Time Warp!

I literally have no idea where time is going at the moment.

I can't believe it's the 10th August, which means I haven't blogged for over a month, when I have LOTS to say.

Hopefully I'll get to do some this afternoon!


I've Changed

It's 9.50 and I'm working at home...

I haven't done that for years!

It's not something I actually agree with, but at the moment I'm literally running out of time during the day and all I'm actually doing is typing up my notes while I'm watching TV.

It'll help me in the long run... !


May / June Date Nights

So in my lack of posting, I'm very late with reporting May and June's date nights - but they DID happen!

May's date night was Sky Box Office Night.

We've had Sky for a few years now, but we've never ordered a box office movie. Can't really explain why, we just never have! 

We watched Flight - the Denzel Washington film - but were both REALLY disappointed! If we'd not paid to watch it, we probably would've switched off. 

June's date was to have a day at the coast. 

Originally, the plan had been to have a day out, just the two of us, but we ran out of time with everything else that was going on. 

We did, however, spend a weekend in Brighton in June. With my mum. Not necessarily romantic, but it was lovely all the same, and we did make a point of having some time on out own. We played in the arcades, drank lager and lime, but we didn't paddle in the sea - it was a bit cold, to be honest!!

We had a really lovely weekend.

As you can see, I'm making progress with my "take more pictures" resolution, too - more than 300 over the weekend... whoops!

July's date night is my responsibility, and I'm very much looking forward to organising it... Plans are already in place and I CANNOT WAIT!



Feeling Crafty!

Hello lovelies

So sorry it's been so long again. I literally don't know my arse from my elbow at the moment. It's nice that I'm busy, but equally frustrating. I'm incredibly tired, and don't remember the last time we had a weekend where we weren't doing something. And I think it's set to stay the same until the end of SEPTEMBER! Man, it's mental!

Anyway, in between starting a new job, being incredibly busy at the weekends, trying to get my arse in gear with losing weight and everything else going on, I have managed to do some crafting, which has proved quite therapeutic!

I found this via Pinterest and showed it to a friend whose brother was getting married. She was looking for something a bit different for a present for them and liked this, but wanted to do it herself... It turns out she's the least crafty person in the world, so she came to mine and I made it for her...

Her brother and his new wife loved it, so that made me quite happy, too! 

Once we'd made that, someone from (old) work saw it, and asked me to make some sort of calendar that her sister could use as a countdown to her wedding for the last 4 weeks. Again, thanks to Pinterest, I found this, and reproduced it to make this!

The lady that asked me to make it framed it and gave it to her sister yesterday at her hen do along with a dry wipe marker so that she can add to it for her last month as a Miss! 

I also made another hen do memory book this week, (as well as a penis pasta necklace), but I don't have pictures of either of those, unfortunately! 

I've got plans to make a present for the wedding (or maybe two, I'm not sure yet!). 

I'll keep you posted!


Quick Catch Up

Sorry it's been such a long time since a post - I can't believe how quickly time has gone.

I thought I'd just do a quick round up of my 10 in 2013 and where I'm at with them, as it's the middle of the year!

1. Be Positive I'm not necessarily doing this consciously anymore, but I am definitely feeling more positive, which can only be a good thing!

2. Get my BMI Below 40 Yeah, so this one's not going to well. Let's gloss over that... 

3. Take More Photos I am totally nailing this one! 1,286 photos so far this year and 2,536 last year... I reckon I'm well on my way to taking more!! 

4. Swear less (particularly at work!) This one has worked out quite well - I set up a charity swear jar at my last job, which really helped to curb my potty mouth, and then the new job has helped, too. Trying to make a good impression, and all that! 

5. Make more of an effort with my appearance. Again, the new job has helped with this one. I'm trying to look more smart and professional at work (I'm not sure if I'm pulling it off or not!!), and I'm wearing dresses and accessorizing more. We have a dress down day on a Friday, so my aim is to wear dresses for 3 days, and trousers for one. I can also wear heels now, too, because of driving rather than running for the bus every day!

6. Be more crafty. As well as the first date things, I've made a wedding present for my friend's brother; I'm in the process of making a wedding countdown calendar for another friend's sister and I have plans to make a wedding present for later in the year, too (separate posts to come!) 

7. Drive more! Another one that's been nailed by the new job! 30 mins each way every day. BOOM! A driving machine! 

8. Cook new recipes / more regularly This one isn't happening quite as much as I'd like, although I am back into a habit of "batch cooking" on a Sunday to save time in the week. I did a new chilli recipe today, too, which tastes LUSH! 

9. Bake a cake Hmm... so we all how the Easter cupcakes ended up. I'm not keen to try again, but I think I have to... my friend is having a Bake Off for her wedding, and I've been told I HAVE to enter... Joy

10. Change job BOOM!!! Dunnit!! And loving it, too!!!!



So much to catch up on, but such little time to do it! I'm so busy at the moment, and I don't think it's going to change any time soon - I start my new job on Monday!

SO exciting!

I will be back, and I will update with everything.

So sorry.


Nailed it!

I paint my nails a lot, and I have loads of nail polishes, but I hate it when they chip

Last September I had 3 weddings in 10 days. Yikes! Rather than painting my nails every time and worrying about chipped polish, I decided to treat myself and get a Shellac manicure. They cost £20 (ish), but should last two weeks.

Perfect for my little wedding bonanza.

Or it would've been, if they hadn't peeled off after three days.

In all fairness, I think it's more me than the manicure - I had acrylics done once that only lasted 4 days.

In the interest of making the most of how I look for my 10in2013 challenge, I've started to paint my nails more regularly.

A couple of weeks ago I found this guide on Pinterest (FYI - totally in love with Pinterest!).

I had some birthday money left over, so decided to buy the stuff needed to see how I got on.

I followed the instructions from the directions exactly. It's time consuming, but so worth it! 

My nails look really nice, and the finish is awesome! I've done it a few times now, and I'm really impressed. 

Now. the instructions, and a lot of the comments on the blog say that doing your nails like this will mean they last as long as a Shellac manicure. As I said earlier, my Shellac manicure only lasted 3 days. And unfortunately, so did these. 

BUT - and this is a massive but - I didn't have a single chip in any of my nails for the duration of the mani. They lifted just like the Shellac did, so I still think it's an issue with me rather than the process. And for me, it's great - it means the nails don't chip, but I can change them up a couple of times a week. 

If you're near a Sally's, I'd definitely say the £12 investment (for the Gel Coat and Top Coat) is worth it. 


The Hardest Thing

I think the hardest part of our TTC journey and inability (so far!) to get pregnant for me is the feeling that I'm letting people down. 

I constantly feel that I'm letting Mr B down - he could be a daddy by now if it weren't for me. 

But I often feel that we're letting other people down, too - our parents, our brothers, our extended family - by not having a baby yet. 

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of my mum's posted this on Facebook:

I always thought that my friends posting their pregnancy and birth announcements on Facebook was difficult, but this completely broke my heart.

I want MY mum to have baby cuddles with a grandchild. I want MY mum to spoil my children. And I want to make MY mum proud.

But most of all, I want MY mum to be this excited.

I want MY mum to be a Nanny.


Pink is my new obsession

If I'm totally honest, she's not a new obsession at all. In fact, I had a Pop Stars themed fancy dress 17th birthday party and I went as P!nk.

She's my absolute girl crush and I love everything about her - she's hot, she's funny, down to earth and man can she sing! She's confident, knows what she wants, isn't afraid to speak her mind and I think I'm a little bit in love.

I've wanted to go and see her live for AGES, and I was very excited when her new album came out last year. And then totally gutted when both Mr B and I were on holiday when tour tickets went on sale and sold out.

I wrote it off as our tough luck.

The O2 released more tickets about 4/5 weeks ago, and hubs managed to get some!

I'm not a big fan of the O2, nor of sitting at concerts, but it's what we got, so it's what we had to deal with!

When we got there, I was a bit totally disappointed with the seats. We were sort of to the side, almost behind the stage and couldn't really see much to start with. We couldn't really see much. And I thought we'd been totally ripped off.


It turned out that the seats were FRICKING AMAZING! I couldn't tell you what the stage looked like. But I can tell you that we were REALLY close. That she's ABSOLUTELY AMAZING live. And that it's the best concert I've ever been to (and I've been to a few!).

If possible, I'm even more in love with her than I was before. Below are some of my pictures - I took absolutely loads - but please, please check out this video on You Tube. It's by someone called EroticSludge, and they were obviously better than me because in my video all you can hear is me going "WHAT THE F**K!!" Amazing.



So, you might remember that I went for a couple of job interviews a few weeks ago and that I didn't get the job?

Well, when the guy called me to tell me know about the role, it turns out that when he told me that he would give me a call if another role came up wasn't just a nice brush off!!

He called me last night and offered me a job!

I am so excited (and a little bit shocked!).

The paperwork should be with me this week so that I can get my noticed handed in before my holiday next week.

So, so happy!!!


April Date Night

April Date Night was down to the hubs to organise (again! May's all mine, though!) and although it should've been a relatively cheap one, it actually turned out quite expensive.

April's Date Night was BOARD GAME NIGHT! We had dinner at home, before spending the evening playing board games.

All good, except we don't actually own any board games! They're the sort of thing that we keep saying we should get, but never actually get round to buying.

Clockwise from Top: The date night envelope; Mr B contemplating his next move; the games, ready to go:
POOH - it scored me 36 points!!! (double letter on the P, then a triple word score);
the board at the end of the first game. Excuse the swear word!! 

I thought the hubs would just buy the one, but actually he got three - Scrabble, Scattegories and Monopoly. 

We didn't actually play Monopoly, but I think it was on cheap so he went for it while it was there! We played two games of both Scrabble and Scattegories, though. 

We each won a game of Scrabble (183 v 160 to him and 256 v 227 to me), drew one Scattegories then I won one. 

I think Scattegories would be more fun with more people (and possibly some booze, too!) but overall we had a really good evening. 

Can't wait to open May's envelope now!! 


10 in 2013 - UPDATE!

So, one of the things I said I wanted to do as part of my 10 for 2013 list was:

9. Bake a cake I am 28 years old and I have never baked a cake without the help of my mum or a teacher. I will rectify that this year! 

At Easter, we had a charity Cake Competition at work and, despite never having baked a THING before, I decided to enter. 

I found this recipe that I thought I could follow without too much difficulty, and I (wrongly) assumed that I'd end up with some relatively cute easter bunny cupcakes to enter. 

THIS is what I actually ended up with

Not pretty, hey!? I went ahead and entered them, though. And got mocked for my "Easter Hamsters". 

The worst part about it was that it cost me over £15 for the embarrassment! 

I had to pay to enter the competition: £2.50. 
I had to buy all of the ingredients: £12.00 (ish) 
Then, because nobody else had bought any, I had to buy all of the cakes back: £5.00


Isn't it ironic...

I was on Facebook earlier and saw pictures and posts about an ex-colleagues wedding last weekend.

Someone had put something a about them being a "great advert for marriage".

I couldn't help but laugh - it took him more than 12 years to propose; he snogged one of our clients at an event just after the proposal and had spent over a year BEFORE the proposal boffing someone else at work!

Perfect advert my wotsit!


If only it were that easy...

I was talking to someone at work the other week whose daughter is getting married in August.

It's all going a bit quicker than he'd expected, considering she only got engaged on New Year's Eve - he'd assumed that his baby girl would wait until at least next year before getting married.

Turns out that that doesn't work with her plans though - she's 30 next year and wants to be, at the very least, pregnant by the time her big Three-Oh comes round.

I sort of hmmmed and ahhed noncommittally throughout the conversation but couldn't help shaking my head as I walked away.

I can't believe people are still so naive to think of fertility and getting pregnant in such straight forward terms.
While I hope that everything goes to plan for them, I find it really bizarre that people still think it'll be so easy.

I suppose that's the difference between a family that have never had any sort of fertility issue and one that has, though.


March Date Night


As part of our list of 10 things to do in 2013, Mr B and I decided that we'd have a monthly date night. We were worried that we'd get stuck in the rut of going to dinner every month, so spent some time thinking of date nights for the rest of the year - some uber cheap, some not so much - divvied them up and put them in envelopes. Then, we can open each envelope on the 1st of the month and remind ourselves of this month's date and plan it.

I decided to kill several birds with one stone and include one of my personal things to achieve this year (being more crafty!) into putting together the envelopes - some of which I made from scratch, others I just decorated up.

So, March's date night was cinema night. In the interest of keeping costs as low as possible when going to the cinema (when the heck did that get so frigging expensive!) we decided that we'd sneak our own popcorn in and eat at home. 

We couldn't resist a bit of Pick n' Mix, though! 
We actually went late afternoon on Good Friday (leaving it right to the last minute!) and saw Identity Thief. BRILLIANT! I was in stitches!

Now we're a few days into April and looking forward to this month's date night... We're all raring to go!!


Not Great News


I heard last week that I didn't get the job that I applied for.

I was / am disappointed, obviously, but the feedback that I got was all really positive.

He told me that I presented well, I was candid and honest but that unfortunately I didn't have the client-facing experience that they were looking for for this particular role.


There is a possibility that there could be a similar role coming up in the next few months, and he'll keep in touch and see where I'm at if and when that happens.

So, slight silver lining?

In the meantime, I need to keep looking and see if there's anything else out there with my name all over it!


Happy Thoughts

Way back in February of 2011, I went on an NLP course. It was an intense, emotional week and I learnt a lot about myself.

One of the (many) exercises we did involved us thinking about particular times - times when we'd been happy, or nervous, or proud - and bringing them to the forefront of our mines. Making them big, and colourful. Remembering how we felt.

It was a really powerful exercise and for me, demonstrated how easily you can change the way you're feeling.

One of the most interesting things, though, was finding out how people "store" their memories. One of the people on the course imagined that hers were stored in an old toy chest that she had to open to get the thoughts from. Mine were in a glass jar that I could carry with me, and access whenever I wanted.

I probably haven't explained that properly, and I'm coming across as a mental case, but it makes sense in my head and was really interesting at the time! 

A while after the course, I was struggling a bit with my depression, and, whilst I often looked in my mental jar of happy thoughts, I decided that actually, it would be quite nice to have a physical jar, too.

I bought a jar relatively cheaply and decorated it (albeit, not very well - it could probably do with redoing) and then added thoughts to pieces of paper and threw them in. The jar sits on my book case.

Some of the thoughts are general, others more specific about particular feelings at specific times.

I love that if I've had a bad day, I can open my jar and spend some time with my happy thoughts. Or, when I have an AWESOME day, I can add some happy memories in.

How do you remember the good times?


Shh! Don't tell!

So, one of the things on my list of things to do in 2013 was to change my job.

I've been where I am for the past 2 years, and it became apparent pretty early on that the job I applied for and the job I'm actually doing weren't really the same thing. That said, I'm also incredibly aware that, at the moment, jobs aren't all that easy to come by. So I've made do and I've stayed put.

But in the time I've stayed there, my confidence has taken a bit of a beating. I know I'm better than the job I'm doing at the moment, but I'm just not sure I'm confident enough to convince other people.

This year I decided I want to change that. And, I've made a start.

In fact, earlier this afternoon, I had a second interview for a new job. Without saying too much about it, it's an account manager role and would be a real stretch for me. There are aspects of it that I'd be able to do easily, but others that will really mean I have to challenge myself which I'm really excited about.

The second interview was a bit of a challenge for me for a start - a 20 minute presentation that told them who I think is the best retailer and why. WHAT!!! 20 MINUTES!!!
By Tuesday I'd decided that there was no way I was going to fill 20 minutes, but that I could present for 14 minutes well, rather than waffling on for 20 minutes.

When I was finished, they commented on how well I presented and how naturally I came across. Not bad, considering that I can probably count on my hand how many presentations I've done.

If I got the job, it would help me cross two things off my list, too - the company is a half an hour drive from home, so I'd definitely drive more!

I'll know next week whether I've got the job or not, and there's nothing I can do until then. I've done the best I can, and now I just have to wait.

In the meantime, it would be great if you could cross your fingers for me!?



10 in 2013 - The Mr And Mrs Edition!

So as well as my personal list of ten things I wanted to achieve during this year, Mr B and I set a list of 10 things we wanted to achieve this year. Some are boring, housey, but necessary, others fun and coupley, in an attempt to help us focus on us in the midst of all the TTC misery that goes on.

Here goes:

1. Change internet provide. Boring, housey, but done. Have to say though, super-fast broadband from BT Infinity? Not really worth the wait.

2. Fix / Replace the Shower. This will be the fourth summer that we haven't had a working shower. We've managed without and had baths, but enough is enough, and I want a shower in our house again!!

3. Sort out the drive. I park my car on the front garden, and because of the rain it's a bit of a mud bath so that needs sorting. Particularly if I'm going to start driving more!

4. Monthly date nights. One night (or day!), every month, to make an effort to do something together. On Valentines day we wrote a list of things we want to do, divvied them out, and mixed them up. March's date night is a cinema night. We're yet to do it, but should be next weekend!

5. No TV, one night per week. We both like nothing more than sitting in front of the box, but sometimes it's nice to spend time without it on too! We don't have to do stuff together necessarily, we just have to be in the same room without the TV on!

6. Make The Most of The Weekends. Quite often, I'll go into work on a Monday morning and be asked what I did at the weekend, and I'll say "not much". What I actually mean is absolutely nothing. This weekend is a prime example - I haven't left the house since coming in from work on Friday! Sometimes, that's lush. But sometimes, I think we could definitely make more of the weekends. We don't have children yet, and one day we might look back and wish we'd done stuff while we had the chance.

7. At Least Two Holidays. Whilst we both had a holiday last year, we didn't go together. This year we're aiming to have two holidays. One in May and one later in the year. We've got Christmas week off, so we might go away for Christmas.

8. Get Fitter Blurgh. But, in line with my BMI reduction and our TTC, we need to be fitter.

9. Be More Social. We don't have many friends, but the ones we have are AWESOME. For whatever reason, we didn't see much of them last year and we want to change that this year!

10. Eat at a Gordon Ramsay Place. We're combining this with a date night later in the year. We've both wanted to do it for a while, and this will be the year for it!

Almost a quarter of the way through the year - should probably get cracking with these!!


If it suits the wearer...

My Nanna was quite an opinionated lady, and she wasn't quiet about it, either.

If she didn't like something, she'd let you know.

My brother and I used to go with my dad and stay with her for a fortnight every summer holiday. One summer, I'd had my hair cut shorter.

"You've changed your hair", she said, "I don't like it. But, if it suits the wearer, bugger the starer".

My dad just grinned at me as I replayed it in my head, until I understood the sentiment behind it.

It was the first, but definitely not the last, time she said that to me and my brother.

If I wore something she didn't like: "If it suits the wearer..." she'd say, looking down her nose at me.

When my brother got his first tattoo. "What the bloody hell have you done that for?? Well, I suppose if it suits the wearer..."

It got to the stage that we knew when there was something she wouldn't like, and we'd quote her favourite phrase back to her before she had a chance. She'd give us a sly smile, knowing that there was no further argument to be had.

My Nanna died 3 years ago in May, but her phrase is something that my brother and I still use all the time. In fact, my brother is going to get it tattooed at some point. Which, in itself is ironic, because she HATED tattoos, and she definitely would've had an opinion about them!

It's something that I've found myself thinking a lot this week when people have looked at my new tattoo and internally judged me for it. When my dad screwed up his nose at my new tattoo, I just raised my eyebrows at him, and said "Whatever, Dad. If it suits the wearer..."

Thanks, Nanna, for the reminder that, no matter what other people think, if I'm happy, it doesn't really matter.


Birthday Weekend - In Pictures

It was my birthday on Saturday - 29 years old (or 30 minus 1, as my mum kept saying). I had a lovely day back home with my mum and brother, and I was appropriately spoilt. As part of my 10in2013 challenge, I took a few photos... here are a few of them!

Mum had a birthday cake made for me.
One of my favourite cards!

This badge was on the card Mr B bought
We went to Ikea (don't ask!) and no trip to Ikea is complete without a
slice of Dime Bar Cake! 
My little brother paid for me to have a new tattoo for my birthday.
It was less than half an hour old when I took the picture.
And, although it looks massive, it's actually smaller than a 5p
and will be "hidden" by my watch strap when it's healed
 Mr B, my mum, brother and I went for an awesome Chinese in the evening.

Wicked, wicked weekend!

Hope you had a good one, too.


10 for 2013

Last year, I wrote a list of things that I wanted to achieve through the year. A bit like New Years resolutions, but not things I had to do RIGHT THEN and do forever.

My 10 in 2012 was a success in some ways (I passed my driving test and bought a car), but not so much in others (I'm still in the same job, and there's no Baby B), but overall it was something that I found useful.

So, I decided to right a new list for 2013.

Here it is:

1. Be Positive This is a carry over from last year. Sometimes, it's super easy to think of the bad stuff - the things I don't have or haven't achieved. But, spending just a couple of minutes every day thinking of the GOOD things really helps.

2. Get my BMI Below 40 This one is probably the toughest - not only as a physical challenge, but because it's the one I don't really agree with the most. I couldn't give a flying monkey crap about my BMI, but I want a baby. To have a baby, I need to get my PCOS under control. To get my PCOS under control, I need to lose weight. And quite frankly, I can't cope with another appointment with the consultant like we had back in January...

3. Take More Photos I love photos. But, I was really disappointed with the amount of photos I took last year so I want to take more this year. I think my main downfall is my smart phone, though - I take a whole load of photos on there that I do nothing with... D'oh!

4. Swear less (particularly at work!) I swear like a sailor. My language is FOUL and I've become more conscious of it - especially since I'm more unhappy at work. So, I want to cut down. And, I've started a charity swear jar to help. An F-bomb costs me 20p, and all others are 10p. I started mid January and have nearly £12 already! Having said that, I had 3 days this week without putting any in, and my language at home is much better, too!

5. Make more of an effort with my appearance. I have a massive amount of makeup and jewellery, but rarely use / wear it, so I want to start. Oh, and get my legs out more, too.

6. Be more crafty. I love crafting, but haven't done much really. It's a real release for me - I fully concentrate on it and relax.

7. Drive more! Although I passed my driving test, I don't really drive very often. I'm paid a bonus every month for not driving to work, and that more than pays for my bus fare, so I don't drive to work. I also don't drive places I don't know, because I panic about parking.... I need to (wo)man up, and just start doing it!

8. Cook new recipes / more regularly Cooking is another thing I love, but don't do enough of. I think like most people, I have my staple recipes and tend to stick to them, but I want to be more adventurous!

9. Bake a cake I am 28 years old and I have never baked a cake without the help of my mum or a teacher. I will rectify that this year!

10. Change job Another roll over from last year, but I'm determined. I am better than the job I'm currently doing. And I will prove it!

I also managed to get Mr B to agree to doing a joint 10 for 2013 which I'll share soon!

Wish me luck!


Let the job search commence!

Just a really quick one as I'm supposed to be updating my CV.

After getting a bit of advice from a friend, I've decided to give my CV a complete revamp.

Turns out that's much easier said than done.

Having been in my current job for just over 2 years, I've realised that it's completely sapped all confidence I had in myself as an employee.

Although I wasn't happy in my previous job, when I left there I was pretty secure in my knowledge of what I could do and what I was capable of. It's been a long time since I've known what that was, though.

I realised pretty soon after starting my current job that
a) It was a big step back and
b) It wasn't what I thought it was when I was interviewed and offered the job.

But, I stuck with it because it was sort of what I needed at the time, the money was good and, at the end of the day, it was a job and all I was hearing about was the doom and gloom that was the job market at the time.

Two years later, though, and I feel like my brain is mush, I still HATE the job and know I can do MUCH better, but putting it on paper is proving to be the end of me. I've been sat for 20 minutes trying to put down my Key Skills. I've not got far...


So much to say...

...so little time to say it!

I have posts that I want to write, but I'm struggling to find the time to sit and do them at the moment.

I wish it was for fun reasons, but it really isn't!

I will update soon!


Get into the Groove


It's been quite difficult, since Christmas, to get into a groove of eating and exercising. Because of the snow, Weight Watchers was cancelled, and it was difficult to get to the gym as often as we'd have liked.

Weight Watchers was back in full swing this week, though. Unfortunately, I gained half a pound. In the grand scheme of things (considering I'd been left to my own devices for 3 weeks) that wasn't too bad. However, in 6 weeks I've only lost 2.5lbs over all, which isn't great. Actually, it's pretty appalling and not really motivational when I'm supposed to be on a mission.

I spoke to the group leader on Monday about what I'm eating, and it turns out that I might not be eating enough.

Then, on Tuesday, when I was speaking to my personal trainer, she's suggested that I'm probably not exercising enough, either, and I should look at WHAT I'm eating, to see if that's a factor.

I already know that bread makes me bloat. A lot. In an ideal world, I'd cut it out altogether, but it's all too easy to grab a sandwich for lunch or toast for breakfast.

My plan for the next couple of weeks is to:
* Eat more Pro Points
* Get into an exercise routine
* Make a conscious effort not to eat bread. As much.

I'm hoping that will have an impact on my weightloss... finger's crossed! x



So it's been snowing this week.

It looks pretty and everything, but it turns everything into such a MISSION. I hate it. On Friday, I left work at 10.50 and walked in the door at 1.15. It's usually a 25 minute journey in bad traffic. Joy.

The other frustrating thing is that, last Monday, my Weight Watchers meeting was cancelled due to 'elf n safety. And, with the snow still coming down now, I can't help thinking that tomorrow's meeting will be cancelled too.

I find it really difficult to stick to plan when I don't weigh in. It's as if I think I can reel it back in BEFORE next week.
I've tried to be good this week,I've stuck to plan, and I've exercised more, but...

I did a sneaky weigh this morning, and it suggested that I've gained a pound. Having looked back through my food diary, I actually don't think I've eaten enough. That, in itself, confuses me. I've eaten three meals a day, and snacked. I've not been hungry, but I'm well under my daily allowances. If I ate more, I'd be eating just for the sake of it.




So I've made a start this week with kicking the fatness' ass and proving the consultant wrong!
We went to the gym on Sunday - the first time in a long time. Unfortunately, I only managed about half an hour, which I think is mainly due to not being 100% over the sickness bug yet.
Weight watchers was cancelled last night because of the snow, but a home weigh in revealed a 2lb loss!
And tonight I saw my personal trainer for the first time this year. I loved it! And she bought me the slow cooker recipe book, which I'm super excited about.


New Start

The start of the year hasn't really been all that great - I ended up with Norovirus on New Year's Day and it wiped me out for the best part of 6 days. Then, on Tuesday, we had our second appointment with the gyne clinic to see how things are progressing.

Now, I'm not going to lie - the weight hasn't come off anywhere near like it should have. But, the dietician had been very positive about my progress and suggested that I make them aware that, although my weight hasn't changed all that much, I have lost inches, particularly from around my waist. From her perspective, that was better for me than losing weight, anyway.

We saw a different consultant this time to the one we saw at our first appointment, and I knew it wasn't going to go well when he said that I have "PCOS because of my size, obviously".
That, in itself isn't true.

He asked how the weight loss had gone and I admitted that since my last appointment I'd only lost 4 / 5lbs, but that I had lost 18.5cms.
"Sorry, you've lost me", he said, "What do you mean you've lost 18.5cms?"
"Well, I've measured myself - waist, hips, everywhere - and I've lost 18.5cms", I replied.
"That doesn't make sense. How can you lose CMs if you've not lost weight?", he said, looking at me as if I were stupid.
I looked at Mr B, and said "Well, it's muscle definition, isn't it? I'm changing the shape of muscle".
He continued to look at me as if I was stupid and said "Well that just doesn't make any sense. I don't understand that, so I don't believe it can be true".

What. The. Actual. F*ck.

Both my personal trainer AND the dietician have been really pleased with the lower measurements, and I've been on enough diets to know that they encourage you to measure yourself because even when you're not losing weight you can be losing the inches.

He then went on to lecture me, in an incredibly patronising way, about how to lose weight and how it would help not only with trying for a baby, but with my whole life. "Just think", he said, "about the impact it'll have".
Obviously making the assumption that because I'm fat, I'm unhappy.

In the end, (I think because he could see I was about to snap), Mr B asked what the aim was.

"Obviously", he said, "the ideal BMI is 25, but that's a long way off, so I think that perhaps trying to get it down as much as possible is the way to go."

"When we were here last time, I was told to aim for 40. Is that realistic?" I said.

"Well, y'know, we'd have to see. It's hard to say, really", he said,  in a really noncommittal way.

"Right well I want to know - if I come back here with a BMI of 40, will you be telling me to go away again
 until it's 35?", I pushed.

"In all honesty, I'd have to see you. Like I said, 25 is ideal, but if you were at that, we wouldn't be having this conversation because you wouldn't have the PCOS. Y'know, all of the symptoms of PCOS are reversible through weight loss", he said, glancing at my beard.

If it hadn't been for the fact that I was almost in tears because of the way he'd spoken to me, I would have corrected him. And given him a little extra piece of my mind. As it was, I was close to crying and / or punching him in the face, so I got my next appointment and walked out.

I got as far as the waiting room before the tears started. It was a relief, though, when Mr B exclaimed that "He was a cock", because I was worried that I was being overly sensitive.

He was a nasty, horrible man who took one look at me and decided it was my fault because I was fat. It wouldn't surprise me if he didn't actually think PCOS were a real condition - he obviously knows nothing about it and is far too arrogant to learn.

I spent most of the rest of the day in tears, and was still pretty delicate on Wednesday. But now I'm angry and determined to lose the weight.

I'm also going to look into the NHS Choices scheme, to see if I can refuse to see him again, or find a consultant that specialises in PCOS.

But, for now, the plan is to get back on it and prove him wrong.