I can't believe it's been so long since my last post.
I have been checking in and reading up, but not really in the blogging mindset.
I started to find that the more I thought and wrote about TTC, the more obsessed I became and that then turned into a vicious downward spiral of doom.
Needless to say, we're not really any further on with our journey, but we do go back and see the specialist early in the new year (in 8 days, in fact).
If anyone can help me lose 2 stone in just over a week, that would be great...
In the meantime, have a lovely New Year, and here's hoping 2013 brings lots of lovely adventures for everyone.
I'll be back soon, I'm sure... !!
Showing posts with label babies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label babies. Show all posts
31/12/2012
26/06/2012
And So It Begins
So, we left the appointment with a small (yet significant) spring in our step.
We got our next appointment for 4 months time.
I had my target - losing 6 BMI points (is that the right word? Are they points? If not, what the heck are they!?).
As we left the hospital, Mr B turned to me and said "So, how much weight is 6 BMI points, then?".
I looked at him, shrugged my shoulders and replied, "I've got no f*cking idea".
It didn't matter - all I knew was that I was going to try my hardest to lose it.
As it turns out, losing 3 stone would put my BMI at 39.8.
Losing 4 stone would put it at 37.4.
My aim is to lose 3 stone by October 23rd.
It's not going to be easy, but I am determined.
We got our next appointment for 4 months time.
I had my target - losing 6 BMI points (is that the right word? Are they points? If not, what the heck are they!?).
As we left the hospital, Mr B turned to me and said "So, how much weight is 6 BMI points, then?".
I looked at him, shrugged my shoulders and replied, "I've got no f*cking idea".
It didn't matter - all I knew was that I was going to try my hardest to lose it.
As it turns out, losing 3 stone would put my BMI at 39.8.
Losing 4 stone would put it at 37.4.
My aim is to lose 3 stone by October 23rd.
It's not going to be easy, but I am determined.
25/06/2012
Hospital Update
So, yet again, I've not updated for a while.
Sorry about that.
Since I last updated, we've had our appointment at the hospital. It actually ended up being sooner than anticipated because the consultant pulled it forward by a week - giving me 2 days notice.
So, TheFear that was bubbling under suddenly hit boiling point and I went into a bit of a tail spin.
My biggest fear was that I'd be told to go away and not come back until I'd lost half my body weight. I also worried that I'd get little or no support and be no better off than I was 6 months ago.
What actually happened is that we left the appointment feeling quite positive.
We went through all the usual stuff - how often do you have periods, how long have you been trying, when were you diagnosed. I quite liked that she knew most of the answers - she'd actually read my notes, rather than just carrying around the folder as a prop...
My weight did come up, in the "it must go down" sense, and that was no surprise. When she told me that I needed to lose weight, I asked her to give me some sort of target. I told her that telling me to lose weight wasn't going to work for me - I could come back in a week and have lost a pound, but we all knew that that wasn't what she meant. I also pointed out that, in the past 7 years, I've tried Slimming World, Rosemary Connely, Low GI, high protein, metabolic rate diets - you name it, I've tried it, and I'm still not really any better off.
She told me that if I were a "normal" person, she'd say that I wasn't trying hard enough but, as I have PCOS, she knows that I probably am trying really hard, and not getting anywhere.
That in itself was reassuring. I think that's the first time that a doctor has actually acknowledged that "must try harder" is not an appropriate response when I say I'm trying to lose weight!
She told me that I needed to have "shown progress" in my weight loss by my next appointment in 4-6 months time. In the meantime, she would refer me to a dietician and I could get some support from them. She is also sending me for an ultra sound as I've not had one since diagnosis in 2002, and a HSG to check my tubes.
It felt positive.
They did my BMI. It's 46. She set me a target of a BMI of 40 or lower before my next appointment.
"Shall we make your next appointment for 6 months time?" she said
"Nope," I replied, "I want it in 4. You've given me the target that I wanted, now I just need to get on with it".
Our follow up appointment is October 23rd
Sorry about that.
Since I last updated, we've had our appointment at the hospital. It actually ended up being sooner than anticipated because the consultant pulled it forward by a week - giving me 2 days notice.
So, TheFear that was bubbling under suddenly hit boiling point and I went into a bit of a tail spin.
My biggest fear was that I'd be told to go away and not come back until I'd lost half my body weight. I also worried that I'd get little or no support and be no better off than I was 6 months ago.
What actually happened is that we left the appointment feeling quite positive.
We went through all the usual stuff - how often do you have periods, how long have you been trying, when were you diagnosed. I quite liked that she knew most of the answers - she'd actually read my notes, rather than just carrying around the folder as a prop...
My weight did come up, in the "it must go down" sense, and that was no surprise. When she told me that I needed to lose weight, I asked her to give me some sort of target. I told her that telling me to lose weight wasn't going to work for me - I could come back in a week and have lost a pound, but we all knew that that wasn't what she meant. I also pointed out that, in the past 7 years, I've tried Slimming World, Rosemary Connely, Low GI, high protein, metabolic rate diets - you name it, I've tried it, and I'm still not really any better off.
She told me that if I were a "normal" person, she'd say that I wasn't trying hard enough but, as I have PCOS, she knows that I probably am trying really hard, and not getting anywhere.
That in itself was reassuring. I think that's the first time that a doctor has actually acknowledged that "must try harder" is not an appropriate response when I say I'm trying to lose weight!
She told me that I needed to have "shown progress" in my weight loss by my next appointment in 4-6 months time. In the meantime, she would refer me to a dietician and I could get some support from them. She is also sending me for an ultra sound as I've not had one since diagnosis in 2002, and a HSG to check my tubes.
It felt positive.
They did my BMI. It's 46. She set me a target of a BMI of 40 or lower before my next appointment.
"Shall we make your next appointment for 6 months time?" she said
"Nope," I replied, "I want it in 4. You've given me the target that I wanted, now I just need to get on with it".
Our follow up appointment is October 23rd
14/05/2012
I know I'm rubbish!
I know, I'm rubbish.
I haven't blogged for ages (er, hello, what is the new blogger layout all about, anyway!), but thought I'd update quickly now.
In all honesty, I haven't blogged because I rarely turn on the computer any more. Since getting my SmartPhone at Christmas, it's easier to do just about everything on that, rather than plugging in / turning on / updating etc the laptop! MUST TRY HARDER...
Since my last post, things have been pretty good. We've got our appointment through for the consultant on the 19th June. It means that I'm (yet again) full of TheFear, but I'm going into it with my eyes open and anticipating the worst. If he tries to send me away until I've lost more weight I will ask him how much he'd like me to lose, when will he be seeing me again, and what help can I get in losing the weight.
I know I could be stricter with my diet (who couldn't!) but, for the last 7 years I have been within a stone of my current weight. So, although not an ideal weight, it is at least steady.
This weekend I booked a holiday with my mum, too. I'm really excited (but nowhere near as excited as she is!) and I'm now thinking of my diet as a holiday diet, rather than a baby diet. I think that, subconsciously, the baby diet is a hell of a lot harder to do!
Other things have happened too, but I'm not convinced they're all that exciting.
I will try to be back soon, but no promises. If nothing else, I'll let you know how we get on at the hospital!
I haven't blogged for ages (er, hello, what is the new blogger layout all about, anyway!), but thought I'd update quickly now.
In all honesty, I haven't blogged because I rarely turn on the computer any more. Since getting my SmartPhone at Christmas, it's easier to do just about everything on that, rather than plugging in / turning on / updating etc the laptop! MUST TRY HARDER...
Since my last post, things have been pretty good. We've got our appointment through for the consultant on the 19th June. It means that I'm (yet again) full of TheFear, but I'm going into it with my eyes open and anticipating the worst. If he tries to send me away until I've lost more weight I will ask him how much he'd like me to lose, when will he be seeing me again, and what help can I get in losing the weight.
I know I could be stricter with my diet (who couldn't!) but, for the last 7 years I have been within a stone of my current weight. So, although not an ideal weight, it is at least steady.
This weekend I booked a holiday with my mum, too. I'm really excited (but nowhere near as excited as she is!) and I'm now thinking of my diet as a holiday diet, rather than a baby diet. I think that, subconsciously, the baby diet is a hell of a lot harder to do!
Other things have happened too, but I'm not convinced they're all that exciting.
I will try to be back soon, but no promises. If nothing else, I'll let you know how we get on at the hospital!
12/04/2012
Snapping out of it...
Mr B and I spent the Easter weekend together - four whole days with no decorating, just chilling out, catching up and spending time with each other.
At the end of the weekend, I realised it was the first weekend in a while that I wasn't on my own, thinking about test results or babies or PCOS or anything along those lines, and I realised that it was completely taking over everything. But it was nice that it hadn't taken over Easter.
I decided that, once the eggs were gone on Monday, that was it.
I'm back on the diet.
I'm exercising again (Zumba this evening, and the gym tomorrow).
I want a baby, and it's about time I started acting like it.
At the end of the weekend, I realised it was the first weekend in a while that I wasn't on my own, thinking about test results or babies or PCOS or anything along those lines, and I realised that it was completely taking over everything. But it was nice that it hadn't taken over Easter.
I decided that, once the eggs were gone on Monday, that was it.
I'm back on the diet.
I'm exercising again (Zumba this evening, and the gym tomorrow).
I want a baby, and it's about time I started acting like it.
11/04/2012
My own kinda funk
So yet again, it's been a while since I blogged.
I've been in a bit of a downward spiral of self pity since The Results came in. It's not been helped by the fact that I've spent a lot of time on my own as Mr B has been decorating his study. It meant that in the evenings and at the weekends I've been left with a lot of time to spare, hanging out in my own head, which is never a good thing!
I went for my day 21 progesterone test 2 and a half weeks ago. When I rang on the Friday for my results (purely out of curiousity) the receptionist told me that the Dr wanted to see me for a routine appointment to discuss the results.
This confused me a little, because my understanding had been that whatever the results were, my Dr was going to refer us (the actual test was more of box ticking exercise than anything else!). After a bit of an argument with the receptionist, I finally got to speak to a Dr about the results, and it turned out that MY Dr hadn't seen the results - it was another Dr that was requesting an appointment. (If you've stuck with that, well done!)
ANYWAY, the long and short of the story is that I'm not ovulating. At least, I wasn't ovulating the day I had the blood test.
Although I've known for more than 10 years that I've got PCOS and my fertility was going to be an issue, it's all been much tougher than I thought it was going to be.
When we got the results from Mr B's SA, it was massively bittersweet for me. I was over the moon that everything was good for him, but felt like all the pressure was on me if we were going to have a baby.
Then, when we found out that I'm not ovulating (maybe), that felt like another slap in the face for me, too.
Like I said, I've had too much time in my own head with this stuff recently.
I'm on the up though, I promise ;-)
I've been in a bit of a downward spiral of self pity since The Results came in. It's not been helped by the fact that I've spent a lot of time on my own as Mr B has been decorating his study. It meant that in the evenings and at the weekends I've been left with a lot of time to spare, hanging out in my own head, which is never a good thing!
I went for my day 21 progesterone test 2 and a half weeks ago. When I rang on the Friday for my results (purely out of curiousity) the receptionist told me that the Dr wanted to see me for a routine appointment to discuss the results.
This confused me a little, because my understanding had been that whatever the results were, my Dr was going to refer us (the actual test was more of box ticking exercise than anything else!). After a bit of an argument with the receptionist, I finally got to speak to a Dr about the results, and it turned out that MY Dr hadn't seen the results - it was another Dr that was requesting an appointment. (If you've stuck with that, well done!)
ANYWAY, the long and short of the story is that I'm not ovulating. At least, I wasn't ovulating the day I had the blood test.
Although I've known for more than 10 years that I've got PCOS and my fertility was going to be an issue, it's all been much tougher than I thought it was going to be.
When we got the results from Mr B's SA, it was massively bittersweet for me. I was over the moon that everything was good for him, but felt like all the pressure was on me if we were going to have a baby.
Then, when we found out that I'm not ovulating (maybe), that felt like another slap in the face for me, too.
Like I said, I've had too much time in my own head with this stuff recently.
I'm on the up though, I promise ;-)
21/03/2012
The Results...
We were at the doctors last night to get Mr B's SA results.
I had TheFear all week, and in fact it made me incredibly moody and miserable for the past week.
As it happens, though, the worry was for nothing. His lil' swimmers are all good (although their shape could be a bit better, apparently). They're super mobile, but swimming around without much of a purpose thanks to my horrendous ovaries.
I have to have a day 21 progesterone test done, so that's booked for Monday. We think this is day 21, but the doctor isn't too worried about chasing it - if it's not Monday, never mind, she'll refer us anyway.
I left the doctors with mixed feelings about the results.
I know that it's much better for us that Mr B's swimmer's are all good. I know that our options are much better because of his healthy spermies. I know that are chances are probably better, too.
But I also know that, if he so wanted, he could go and hook up with Little Miss Healthy Womb and have babies without all of the medical intervention. I know that if we don't get to have babies, it'll all be down to me.
That's pretty sucky.
We've obviously talked about it, and he's told me that he'd rather be childless with me than a Daddy with someone else. But I can't help wondering how much he really means that and how much he's saying that because he has to.
Will he wake up one day in years to come, when we're surrounded by cats instead of grandchildren, and resent me because I wasn't able to give him children?
Only time will tell, I guess...
I had TheFear all week, and in fact it made me incredibly moody and miserable for the past week.
As it happens, though, the worry was for nothing. His lil' swimmers are all good (although their shape could be a bit better, apparently). They're super mobile, but swimming around without much of a purpose thanks to my horrendous ovaries.
I have to have a day 21 progesterone test done, so that's booked for Monday. We think this is day 21, but the doctor isn't too worried about chasing it - if it's not Monday, never mind, she'll refer us anyway.
I left the doctors with mixed feelings about the results.
I know that it's much better for us that Mr B's swimmer's are all good. I know that our options are much better because of his healthy spermies. I know that are chances are probably better, too.
But I also know that, if he so wanted, he could go and hook up with Little Miss Healthy Womb and have babies without all of the medical intervention. I know that if we don't get to have babies, it'll all be down to me.
That's pretty sucky.
We've obviously talked about it, and he's told me that he'd rather be childless with me than a Daddy with someone else. But I can't help wondering how much he really means that and how much he's saying that because he has to.
Will he wake up one day in years to come, when we're surrounded by cats instead of grandchildren, and resent me because I wasn't able to give him children?
Only time will tell, I guess...
12/03/2012
Why Can't I Just Do it!
I know what I need to do.
I know how to do it.
I know why I'm doing it.
So why can't I just do it!
Let me put it another way:
I know that I need to lose weight by following a sensible diet and exercising and that by doing it I'll be helping my PCOS symptoms and improving our chances of having a baby. So, why can't I just do it!!
I gave up smoking relatively easily. I consider myself an ex smoker - I haven't craved a cigarette in such a long time that I don't even remember what it was like to be one of those people that had to nip out for a smoke on a night out - I really don't.
So why can't I apply that same will power to losing weight. The end goal of losing weight is a much bigger (and better) one than the end goal of stopping smoking (which, at the time was to save money).
Maybe that's what the problem is.
Still.
I know how to do it.
I know why I'm doing it.
So why can't I just do it!
Let me put it another way:
I know that I need to lose weight by following a sensible diet and exercising and that by doing it I'll be helping my PCOS symptoms and improving our chances of having a baby. So, why can't I just do it!!
I gave up smoking relatively easily. I consider myself an ex smoker - I haven't craved a cigarette in such a long time that I don't even remember what it was like to be one of those people that had to nip out for a smoke on a night out - I really don't.
So why can't I apply that same will power to losing weight. The end goal of losing weight is a much bigger (and better) one than the end goal of stopping smoking (which, at the time was to save money).
Maybe that's what the problem is.
Still.
02/03/2012
Happy Birthday to Me
My birthday has been something that I've been thinking about a lot this time, though.
I'm 28 this year. There are a lot of things that I thought I would have by the time I was 28. A lot of them, I have - a husband, a mortgage and a car!!
But, there are other things that I thought I'd have and I don't - an awesome job is one, but a baby (or two!) is the other obvious one.
I'm trying to focus on the things that I DO have, rather than the things that I DON'T have.
But, y'know, it's not always that easy....
In the meantime, Mr B and I are going to this hotel for the night - we've got the Winter Warmer package, so half a bottle of champers and a 5 course tasting meal will be enjoyed by us both.
Can't wait!
I'm 28 this year. There are a lot of things that I thought I would have by the time I was 28. A lot of them, I have - a husband, a mortgage and a car!!
But, there are other things that I thought I'd have and I don't - an awesome job is one, but a baby (or two!) is the other obvious one.
I'm trying to focus on the things that I DO have, rather than the things that I DON'T have.
But, y'know, it's not always that easy....
In the meantime, Mr B and I are going to this hotel for the night - we've got the Winter Warmer package, so half a bottle of champers and a 5 course tasting meal will be enjoyed by us both.
Can't wait!
30/01/2012
Baby Blue
Last week, in the midst of all the worry about Mr B and his job (we still haven't heard yet - Wednesday is The Big Day), there was one small glimmer of hope for me.
FF was telling me that I had ovulated.
We'd DTD regularly around the same time as ovulation had been predicted.
My temperature was on a steady incline.
Much as I tried not to be, I was hopeful.
But today my temperatures came crashing back down again, and I'm sure that a visit from Aunt Flo is imminent.
Urgh. My body sucks.
We're also still waiting to hear from the doctors about Mr B's SA... Which is frustrating. We went to them in November, and it's now almost February. Ridiculous. And annoying.
FF was telling me that I had ovulated.
We'd DTD regularly around the same time as ovulation had been predicted.
My temperature was on a steady incline.
Much as I tried not to be, I was hopeful.
But today my temperatures came crashing back down again, and I'm sure that a visit from Aunt Flo is imminent.
Urgh. My body sucks.
We're also still waiting to hear from the doctors about Mr B's SA... Which is frustrating. We went to them in November, and it's now almost February. Ridiculous. And annoying.
16/11/2011
Actual Outcome
So after a 45 minute wait at the surgery we finally got to see the doc yesterday.
I was petrified that she was going to laugh me out of the door, but as it happened my weight wasn't mentioned at all.
I have to go back for blood tests on Monday to test my Rubella status / hepatitis / AIDS and all that jazz.
She's said it's pointless trying to do a day 21 blood test, because how would we possibly begin to fathom where my day 21 is!?
Mr B has also booked another appointment to see her so that she can refer him for SA (sperm analysis) and he's going to see her on Saturday.
She said that the SA referral can be about 4/5 weeks, and the same again for getting the results back. Once all the results are back, we'll go from there. If the SA is all ok, it'll be a local gynea referral for lap and dye and clomid, if not a referral to a fertility clinic.
I feel really, really positive about it all. I feel like the ball has FINALLY started rolling, and because of that, I need to start properly sticking with the diet.
I feel like this is it, now - although the weight wasn't mentioned yesterday, it's going to be an issue somewhere down the line.
So, my target is to lose 8lbs by December 16th. That will be a total lost of 2stone.
I'm on it, like a car bonnet!!
I was petrified that she was going to laugh me out of the door, but as it happened my weight wasn't mentioned at all.
I have to go back for blood tests on Monday to test my Rubella status / hepatitis / AIDS and all that jazz.
She's said it's pointless trying to do a day 21 blood test, because how would we possibly begin to fathom where my day 21 is!?
Mr B has also booked another appointment to see her so that she can refer him for SA (sperm analysis) and he's going to see her on Saturday.
She said that the SA referral can be about 4/5 weeks, and the same again for getting the results back. Once all the results are back, we'll go from there. If the SA is all ok, it'll be a local gynea referral for lap and dye and clomid, if not a referral to a fertility clinic.
I feel really, really positive about it all. I feel like the ball has FINALLY started rolling, and because of that, I need to start properly sticking with the diet.
I feel like this is it, now - although the weight wasn't mentioned yesterday, it's going to be an issue somewhere down the line.
So, my target is to lose 8lbs by December 16th. That will be a total lost of 2stone.
I'm on it, like a car bonnet!!
15/11/2011
Desired Outcome...
I can't help thinking about the Drs appointment we have this afternoon.
I'm trying not to, but it's looming ever closer and I'm getting progressively more nervous about it.
The truth is, I'm pretty scared that they're going to laugh in my face and tell me I'm too fat for anything.
I was talking to Mr B last night about what we'd like to get out of today's appointment.
We decided that we would like to get a referral to a fertility clinic, even if it is a way off in the future, with a weight loss target driven by them.
So, it would be great for them to say "we'll make you an appointment for May, but you need to lose at least 3 stone by then".
I think that will really motivate me.
I'm all about the deadlines, and if I know I've got an immoveable (is that even a word?!) one on the horizon, it'll keep me on track.
I'll let you know the actual outcome of the appointment later...
I'm trying not to, but it's looming ever closer and I'm getting progressively more nervous about it.
The truth is, I'm pretty scared that they're going to laugh in my face and tell me I'm too fat for anything.
I was talking to Mr B last night about what we'd like to get out of today's appointment.
We decided that we would like to get a referral to a fertility clinic, even if it is a way off in the future, with a weight loss target driven by them.
So, it would be great for them to say "we'll make you an appointment for May, but you need to lose at least 3 stone by then".
I think that will really motivate me.
I'm all about the deadlines, and if I know I've got an immoveable (is that even a word?!) one on the horizon, it'll keep me on track.
I'll let you know the actual outcome of the appointment later...
13/11/2011
Doctor Doctor...
Mr B and I are going to the doctors on Tuesday to talk about TTC and how it's not really happening for us.
I'm a bit nervous.
Actually, that's a massive understatement.
I'm petrified.
It feels like, by going to the doctors, we're admitting that we're a failure.
I'm lucky that I was diagnosed a long time ago, so I've known for more than 10 years that having a baby wasn't going to be easy. But I suppose I haven't really believed until now. Until we're having to ask for help doing the thing that should be one of the most natural things.
I'm a bit nervous.
Actually, that's a massive understatement.
I'm petrified.
It feels like, by going to the doctors, we're admitting that we're a failure.
I'm lucky that I was diagnosed a long time ago, so I've known for more than 10 years that having a baby wasn't going to be easy. But I suppose I haven't really believed until now. Until we're having to ask for help doing the thing that should be one of the most natural things.
25/10/2011
Under Pressure
I spent Saturday with my mum, shopping in London. I hadn't seen her for a few weeks, and it's awesome that she's finally back on her feet (literally!) after her operation in May. The physio doesn't think she'll actually be back at work for another month, but that's another story....
We got to talking about how my diet is going, and I told her how I was really disappointed in myself (have you noticed the significant lack of diet posts of late!?) that I hadn't lost as much weight as I'd set out to lose.
I made no secret of the fact that I wanted to lose 4stoneby2012. It's also no secret that I'm nowhere near that target - I should have lost 3stone by now, when in fact I've only lost one and a half. I'm mad and frustrated with myself. I'm pissed off that I don't have more willpower.
Mum told me that she thought part of my problem is that I put too much pressure on myself all the time - pressure to lose 4 stone before the end of the year. Pressure to pass my driving test before the end of the year. Pressure to find a new job. Pressure to get pregnant.
She's right.
I do put a lot of pressure on myself all the time. I set myself up to fail, to be upset and to berate myself over it.
And I need to stop doing it.
I need to start being happier with where I'm at. Happy that I'm a stone and a half lighter than I was in April. Happy that I'm having good driving lessons every week. Happy that I have a job, unlike a lot of people at the moment. Happy that I have a husband that loves me, baby or not.
We got to talking about how my diet is going, and I told her how I was really disappointed in myself (have you noticed the significant lack of diet posts of late!?) that I hadn't lost as much weight as I'd set out to lose.
I made no secret of the fact that I wanted to lose 4stoneby2012. It's also no secret that I'm nowhere near that target - I should have lost 3stone by now, when in fact I've only lost one and a half. I'm mad and frustrated with myself. I'm pissed off that I don't have more willpower.
Mum told me that she thought part of my problem is that I put too much pressure on myself all the time - pressure to lose 4 stone before the end of the year. Pressure to pass my driving test before the end of the year. Pressure to find a new job. Pressure to get pregnant.
She's right.
I do put a lot of pressure on myself all the time. I set myself up to fail, to be upset and to berate myself over it.
And I need to stop doing it.
I need to start being happier with where I'm at. Happy that I'm a stone and a half lighter than I was in April. Happy that I'm having good driving lessons every week. Happy that I have a job, unlike a lot of people at the moment. Happy that I have a husband that loves me, baby or not.
14/09/2011
Seriously!?
I try, really hard, to be happy for people when they announce their pregnancies.
I try, really hard, to smile and be happy for them.
I try, I really do.
Back in June when my friend an ex-colleague told me about her pregnancy despite having always said that she didn't want children, I gave her the benefit of the doubt - maybe she'd said she didn't want children because actually she was desperate for them, and knew she was going to have problems conceiving.
Maybe, by denying she wanted them, she was putting a barrier between her and the heartache involved in TTC.
So, she's now 6 months on, and I saw these two posts on facebook yesterday:
Followed by:
Are you actually being serious!?
Do you have any idea how many people would give their arm and leg to have an expensive child?
Do you have any idea how much some people crave the sickness, the back ache, the clothes not fitting and everything else about your magical journey that you're complaining about?
I've really had to restrain myself from posting something on there that I might regret.
I may not be able to do it much longer if she carries on, though.
As a result of these posts, I've decided that perhaps she wasn't just saying she didn't want children. Maybe she genuinely doesn't want children. Maybe this baby was an accident.
13/09/2011
Fricking Fertiles...
I mentioned last week that my colleague is pregnant. She's just over 3 months gone, and understandably very excited.
I preferred when it was a secret, but whatever. That's just me being mean, jealous, spiteful and selfish.
Anyway, I overheard her talking to my manager today. My manager's friend had to have IVF to conceive her first baby (who I think is less than a year old) and she's just found out she's pregnant again. It happened naturally, and totally wasn't planned.
Obviously, this has happened because she was "relaxed" about it....
Pregnant Colleague: "I really think you need to just get on with it. Y'know, don't worry about it, don't stress over it, and it'll happen. I mean, I know we didn't have any problems or anything, but I really believe that's the best way to do it"
Manager: "I think you're absolutely right. The more relaxed you are about it, the easier it is".
Seriously?! Try being relaxed and not stressing about it after you've been trying for nearly two years, and see how easy it is for you then.
I preferred when it was a secret, but whatever. That's just me being mean, jealous, spiteful and selfish.
Anyway, I overheard her talking to my manager today. My manager's friend had to have IVF to conceive her first baby (who I think is less than a year old) and she's just found out she's pregnant again. It happened naturally, and totally wasn't planned.
Obviously, this has happened because she was "relaxed" about it....
Pregnant Colleague: "I really think you need to just get on with it. Y'know, don't worry about it, don't stress over it, and it'll happen. I mean, I know we didn't have any problems or anything, but I really believe that's the best way to do it"
Manager: "I think you're absolutely right. The more relaxed you are about it, the easier it is".
Seriously?! Try being relaxed and not stressing about it after you've been trying for nearly two years, and see how easy it is for you then.
07/09/2011
"...and it just happened!!"
A colleague at work announced this morning that she's 3 months pregnant.
I've suspected for a while - she's stopped smoking and drinking, been to the Drs a lot, stopped eating mayo and sea food, and someone else mentioned her "condition"... all the time she thought she was being secret squirrel and she was in fact super obvious.
Anyway, I'd sort of prepared myself for the announcement and thought it might be coming today.
What I hadn't prepared for, though, was her saying that she and her OH had decided to start trying, and she fell pregnant the first month. "It just happened!" she said "It's so exciting, and it happened really quickly".
Bitch.
I also wasn't prepared for the reaction of my other colleagues. I've just been asked whether it makes me broody and want a baby.
No, actually.
Because I've wanted a baby and been broody since I was 17.
I've been charting my temperature and obsessing over cervical mucus for months.
And Mr B and I have been at it like rabbits for almost 2 years in our quest to make a baby, with no joy.
So no, this announcement doesn't make me feel broody or want to try for a baby.
It makes me want to cry.
A lot.
I've suspected for a while - she's stopped smoking and drinking, been to the Drs a lot, stopped eating mayo and sea food, and someone else mentioned her "condition"... all the time she thought she was being secret squirrel and she was in fact super obvious.
Anyway, I'd sort of prepared myself for the announcement and thought it might be coming today.
What I hadn't prepared for, though, was her saying that she and her OH had decided to start trying, and she fell pregnant the first month. "It just happened!" she said "It's so exciting, and it happened really quickly".
Bitch.
I also wasn't prepared for the reaction of my other colleagues. I've just been asked whether it makes me broody and want a baby.
No, actually.
Because I've wanted a baby and been broody since I was 17.
I've been charting my temperature and obsessing over cervical mucus for months.
And Mr B and I have been at it like rabbits for almost 2 years in our quest to make a baby, with no joy.
So no, this announcement doesn't make me feel broody or want to try for a baby.
It makes me want to cry.
A lot.
15/08/2011
It's not like you've got children to worry about...
First off, sorry for being a quiet last week - don't really know why, just didn't really have much to say, I guess.
Two of my friends are leaving the UK to go travelling at the beginning of September. They'll be gone for a year, and will visit Thailand, Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia and Australia. It's going to be an amazing adventure for them both.
On Friday they had their work leaving do (not only are they a couple, they're stupid enough to work together, too!), and invited me along. I wasn't too keen on going, as I haven't seen most of my old colleagues since I left at Christmas, but knew if I didn't go on Friday, there was little chance of me seeing them before they left.
In all, it wasn't too bad - it reminded me that the majority of the people I worked with were (are) absolute idiots, and also reminded me that I could do better work-wise, but other than that, it was fine, and quite nice to catch up with some of them.
As I was leaving, though, my old manager (who actually doesn't work there anymore because she left to have children, but is married to one of the directors) expressed how jealous she was of our travelling friends. "I'd love to go and see the world, but we've got the kids now", she said, looking all sorry for herself. "Why don't you and Mr B go, though? It's not like you've got children to worry about or anything".
I floundered about a bit, and told her that travelling for a year just didn't interest me (it doesn't) and that I couldn't think of anything worse (I can't) but good luck to those that want to do it.
But her comment stung a bit. Especially considering that she's someone that I had quite a few conversations with about my wanting children and the difficulties facing us in getting them. AND knowing that she herself had to have IVF to get her children made it feel a bit weird, too - they chose to have the treatments they had to have their children, so why then look so downcast about now being tied to the UK and not being able to travel the way she'd like?
It didn't much make sense.
But, I wish my travelling friends all the best for their adventure. I will miss them both, but can't wait to read all about their adventures along the way.
Two of my friends are leaving the UK to go travelling at the beginning of September. They'll be gone for a year, and will visit Thailand, Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia and Australia. It's going to be an amazing adventure for them both.
On Friday they had their work leaving do (not only are they a couple, they're stupid enough to work together, too!), and invited me along. I wasn't too keen on going, as I haven't seen most of my old colleagues since I left at Christmas, but knew if I didn't go on Friday, there was little chance of me seeing them before they left.
In all, it wasn't too bad - it reminded me that the majority of the people I worked with were (are) absolute idiots, and also reminded me that I could do better work-wise, but other than that, it was fine, and quite nice to catch up with some of them.
As I was leaving, though, my old manager (who actually doesn't work there anymore because she left to have children, but is married to one of the directors) expressed how jealous she was of our travelling friends. "I'd love to go and see the world, but we've got the kids now", she said, looking all sorry for herself. "Why don't you and Mr B go, though? It's not like you've got children to worry about or anything".
I floundered about a bit, and told her that travelling for a year just didn't interest me (it doesn't) and that I couldn't think of anything worse (I can't) but good luck to those that want to do it.
But her comment stung a bit. Especially considering that she's someone that I had quite a few conversations with about my wanting children and the difficulties facing us in getting them. AND knowing that she herself had to have IVF to get her children made it feel a bit weird, too - they chose to have the treatments they had to have their children, so why then look so downcast about now being tied to the UK and not being able to travel the way she'd like?
It didn't much make sense.
But, I wish my travelling friends all the best for their adventure. I will miss them both, but can't wait to read all about their adventures along the way.
20/07/2011
They're everywhere...
I'm obviously talking about babies.
It seems that, at the moment, they're everywhere.
I have three friends on Face.Book that have just had their second baby and two others that have just announced their pregnancies.
A guy at work is expecting his first baby, and another woman is due to become a grandmother at the end of the year. And I'm pretty sure that one of the other women at work is pregnant, too. Which means I've got the joys of her ever-growing bump and pregnancy symptoms for the next few months.
I sound really bitter and twisted, don't I?
I'm not. I am genuinely happy for every single one of them and the little miracles they have created.
I'm just impatient for my own little miracle.
It seems that, at the moment, they're everywhere.
I have three friends on Face.Book that have just had their second baby and two others that have just announced their pregnancies.
A guy at work is expecting his first baby, and another woman is due to become a grandmother at the end of the year. And I'm pretty sure that one of the other women at work is pregnant, too. Which means I've got the joys of her ever-growing bump and pregnancy symptoms for the next few months.
I sound really bitter and twisted, don't I?
I'm not. I am genuinely happy for every single one of them and the little miracles they have created.
I'm just impatient for my own little miracle.
28/06/2011
A whole year...
Saturday marked 12 months since Mr B "properly" started trying for a baby.
And on Friday I discovered that another of my cousins is pregnant. She's not in a relationship, in fact the father wants nothing to do with her or the baby. It was pretty much a one time (well, maybe few time) thing.
It sucks that someone who doesn't want a baby gets pregnant so easily, yet we've been unsuccessfully trying for a long time.
And probably will be unsuccessful for a long time to come.
Rrrubbish!
And on Friday I discovered that another of my cousins is pregnant. She's not in a relationship, in fact the father wants nothing to do with her or the baby. It was pretty much a one time (well, maybe few time) thing.
It sucks that someone who doesn't want a baby gets pregnant so easily, yet we've been unsuccessfully trying for a long time.
And probably will be unsuccessful for a long time to come.
Rrrubbish!
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