The Joys of PCOS - Part 6

Weight problems – being overweight, rapid weight gain, difficulty losing weight.

Me, 2000



It would be really easy for me to write a whole post about how I'm fat, and it's not my fault (in fact, there's a post just like that in my drafts...), but that's not true.

It is true that I'm fat.

 It is true that part of that is due to my PCOS.

It's also true that some of the difficulties I face in losing weight are because of my PCOS.

But a lot of it is down to the choices I've made, too. The foods I ate, the exercise I haven't done, and the education I didn't give myself earlier on.

If I could, I'd like to go back ten years and tell myself that I'm not actually that fat. That although I'm overweight, it's manageable. And to do a bit of reading up about PCOS and how it affects weight / weight gain.



2002

 I was reading some of my old diaries last week. In January 2003 I wrote that one of my new year's resolutions was to "be 12 stone before the end of the year".

At the beginning of 2005, it was to be 15 stone. In fact, by December 2005, I actually tipped the scales at 20stone and 4lbs.

I don't remember ever weighing 12 stone. I don't remember ever weighing 15 stone. I don't remember weighing anything in between.

I remember wearing size 14 / 16 clothes (the last time probably in 2002).
I remember buying a pair of size 26 trousers (in Evans in Northampton, November 2005), but I don't really remember anything in between.



April 2005

 When I think of myself between leaving school and now, I've always been this size. Size fat. Somewhere between 17 and a half and 20 stone.

It was quite sad last week when I read through my diaries and realised that, in the space of 8 years, I'd gained 8 stone.

I told Mr B about what I'd read. It made me sad to think that I'd thought I was horribly fat back in 2003 - if only I'd known then what I know now!

He pointed out to me that if I'd been that weight before, I could be that weight again.

There was nothing to stop me being 15 stone again. Nothing to stop me being that weight, and enjoying it this time.


December 2005

 There's also nothing to stop me being 12 stone again. Getting into a size 14/16 outfit and appreciating what that means, instead of worrying that I'm the fattest of all my friends.
 
So, that's my plan.
 
PCOS might not make it easy for me to lose weight, but I've been there before, and I'll damn well get there again.
 
I know I'll never look as youthful as I did in 2000 (top pic), but I'd love to have that jaw line again!
 
 



April 2008



August 2011



December 2010

As you can probably tell, my hair changes A LOT. Maybe it's to distract from all the fat going on underneath?!

The Joys of PCOS

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One of the Joys of PCOS that really affects me is depression and mood changes.
To say my moods have peaks and troughs is probably one of the biggest understatements EVER! I seem to constantly live in a state of PMS, and poor Mr B rarely knows whether he's coming or going.

I've actually been diagnosed with depression twice - once 6 years ago, when Mr B and I were looking to buy a house and I was unhappy at work; and then again 2 years ago in the run up to our wedding - but I think I also had it in my second year at college back in 2002.

I have a good idea when things are getting bad, and I tend to be able to shake it off - either with a good cry, a bit of me time, or by getting to the gym and working it out of my system. But I do live in a constant fear that I'll end up ill again - that I'll end up taking pills, reliant on medical help to feel happy again.

And there is so much stigma linked with things like depression and mental health. Personally, I'll talk to anyone that wants to listen about my issues! It's a part of me, and what makes me tick. It's not always pretty and it's not always nice, but it's part of what makes me me. I don't want sympathy. I don't want mollycoddling, and I don't want to be pandered to, but I do want someone to listen, not judge me, and let me cry on their shoulder every now and then.

My moods are obviously affected by other things going on around me. At the moment, for example, I'm having a bit of a tough time. I feel lonely. I feel like I'm a disappointment to Mr B and my family. I feel like I'm letting myself down with my diet. I miss my family.

But I know it all boils down to the fact that I'm not happy at work. So, in turn, I know that if I fix that, a lot of my other "issues" will sort themselves out.

And, in the meantime, a bloody good cry helps, too!

The Joys of PCOS

Ah, one of the joys that affects every single day of my life is unwanted facial or body hair (hirsutism).

I didn't start suffering with facial hair (well, not unless you count a bit of dark hair on my upper lip, which I don't, really), until I came off of the pill at 16/17. Then, it just sprouted.

I didn't really know how to deal with it, but did end up feeling like the bearded lady.

I knew I didn't want to shave it - I felt masculine enough having a hairy chin without shaving it every day - but bleaching it didn't really disguise it, either. And people told me that it wasn't really noticeable, so I tried not to worry too much.

It wasn't until I came back from New York and saw this picture that I realised people were outright lying to me - it WAS noticeable, and I really should do something about it!

That's when I plucked up the courage to start waxing. For me, the most embarrassing part about it was having to ask someone to do it. I was so self conscious that I even had to ask my mum to leave the room while I spoke to the beautician about it.

It was the best thing I ever did. I hadn't realised quite how much it was affecting my day to day life and my self confidence until I wasn't faced with it every time I looked in the mirror.

About three years ago someone recommended laser hair removal to me, so I decided to give it a go. I know it works wonders for some women, and the hair goes completely, but after 14 months and almost £650, it became clear that it wasn't anywhere near working for me.

In fact, almost two years on since I stopped having the treatment, I can honestly say that it's worse now than before I had the laser hair removal. The hair seems thicker and more persistent, it seems to grow quicker, and I DEFINITELY have hair in places I never had hair before (my cheeks are particularly bad now). Instead of waxing once a month, I now have to do it every two weeks, and that's at a push which usually leaves me feeling a bit self conscious for the last couple of days.

The hair elsewhere on my body isn't too bad - although I can shave my underarms almost every day, and my legs every other day, but I don't know whether that's normal or not!

I'm lucky that Mr B doesn't notice. And I honestly believe that. Even when I point it out to him, he struggles to see.

In an ideal world, I'd like to be rid of the hair forever. Or at least that on my face - the rest I can deal with!

I'm not sure that that's ever going to happen though, so for now, I just make do with my wax!

The Joys of PCOS

One of the actual joys of PCOS is the Verity Website, particularly the discussion boards.


The boards are full of lots of lovely ladies who all suffer with have PCOS.

Through speaking with them online and asking questions, I've learnt that I'm not the only one.

I'm not the only one who struggles every times someone else announces their pregnancy.

I'm not the only one that struggles to resist all those beautiful carbs (Is there anything better in this world than fresh white bread?! I doubt it).

I'm not the only one whose moods swing from high to low.

I've used the Verity website for help, support, friendship and laughter a lot over the past few years.

They are truly inspirational women.

If I need someone to keep me on track with my diet, there's someone there to help me.

If I need someone to tell me that I will one day be a mummy, there's someone there to tell me that.

Or, if I need some ideas for a fancy dress party, there's LOTS of people to help with that, too!

The boards, and the women on them, really are a joy of PCOS.

The Joys of PCOS - Part 2

Here goes with continuing my quest into explaining The Joys of PCOS.

Two of the symptoms of PCOS are irregular periods, or a complete lack of periods and irregular ovulation, or no ovulation at all. I could explain the joys of both of those seperately, but I guess it's just as easy to cover both in one post!

I started my periods at 11. They were irregular, heavy and painful, but we put that down to my body just getting used to what goes on once a month (or whenever!). But, when things didn't change, the doctors put me on the pill at 13 (it's fair to say they're fricking genius'. Not. Idiots more like...)

The pill seemed to do the trick - my periods became more regular, less painful and generally more manageable, until I had to come off of the pill at 16 due to migraines. (Yeah, that's right. The doctor kept prescribing the pill to a 13/14/15/16 year old as a way of controlling her periods. Crazy-ness!).

It turns out that all the pill had done was cover and disguise all of my underlying PCOS symptoms. Once I stopped taking it, my weight ballooned, and my periods wents MENTAL. I never knew what was going on. I could bleed for 13 days, stop for 2, and then start over again.

As my weight has increased over the years, my periods have become more and more infrequent. I went back on to a different pill as a contraceptive when things got serious with Mr B, and we bumbled along for a while like that - never quite knowing when (or if!) my next period would arrive. (The longest I went without was 2 years. When I mentioned it to the doctor, he informed me that I wasn't "filling up with blood", and that "a lot of women would be grateful for a lack of periods". And we're back to the doctors being geniusses again...!)

I stopped taking the pill for the last time in November 2008, 12 months before our wedding, because I knew we wanted to start TTC once we were Mr and Mrs. In the 12 months leading up to the wedding I lost some weight, and I finally got some sort of cycle.

In May of 2010, I started temping and charting to try and understand whether I was ovulating. That, it seems, is pretty hit and miss, too. Some months I do, some months I don't. Some months I ovulate but don't bleed, some months I don't ovulate but bleed, and some months nothing at all happens.

I've got to be honest, before I was diagnosed, I never thought making a baby would involve thermometers, cervical fluid (two words I never thought would be in my vocabulary, to be honest), and ovulation kits. The stork rocking up with a baby seems like a much better way to do this thing!

I'm currently 69 days into a cycle that doesn't seem to have any sign of ovulation so far. Awesome.

It's frustrating, never knowing when or if Aunt Flo is going to show up. On the flip side, my friends always know they can rely on me if they're caught out!

Mr B and I have been *officially* trying for a Baby B for just over 12 months, and it would be great to say that I understand my body now.

I understand it more, but certainly not totally.

Maybe I never will?

The Joys of PCOS - Part 1

I realised that, considering I started this blog primarily about PCOS, but haven't really blogged about it for a while.

So, I thought I'd share a bit about the Joys of PCOS* - the symptoms I suffer, and how they affect me. Not everybody with PCOS suffers the same symptoms, and I'm sure that every woman deals with their symptoms differently, so this really is all about me and how I deal with what I'm dealt with!

For my first Joys of PCOS post, I thought I'd explain (sort of!) what PCOS is.

This is the definition from Verity, the UK's leading PCOS charity:
 
Polycystic ovary syndrome is the name given to a condition in which women with polycystic ovaries also have one or more additional symptoms. It was first ‘discovered’ in 1935 by Doctors Stein and Leventhal, so for many years it was known as the Stein-Leventhal syndrome.


The term polycystic ovaries describes ovaries that contain many small cysts (about twice as many as in normal ovaries), usually no bigger than 8 millimetres each, located just below the surface of the ovaries. These cysts are egg-containing follicles that have not developed properly due to a number of hormonal abnormalities.

Polycystic ovaries (PCO) are very common, affecting around 20 per cent of women. Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is also very common, affecting 5–10 per cent of women.

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS):

• affects millions of women in the UK and worldwide
• runs in families
• is one of the leading causes of fertility problems in women
• if not properly managed, can lead to additional health problems in later life
• can affect a woman’s appearance and self-esteem.

Although PCOS is treatable, it cannot be cured.


Symptoms can include:

• irregular periods, or a complete lack of periods
• irregular ovulation, or no ovulation at all
• reduced fertility – difficulty becoming pregnant, recurrent miscarriage
• unwanted facial or body hair (hirsutism)
• oily skin, acne
• thinning hair or hair loss from the scalp (alopecia)
• weight problems – being overweight, rapid weight gain, difficulty losing weight
• depression and mood changes.

Everytime I read the list of PCOS symptoms, I mentally put a tick by each of them. But the joys of PCOS isn't just about the symptoms either, as will become clear!

My periods started when I was 11, and were always pretty erratic. Initially, my mum and I put it down to my body getting used to all the hormones racing around. But then they got worse, and by 13 I was on the pill to try and control them. Eventually, when I stopped taking the pill due to migraines, everything went to pot! It was as if the pill had been suppressing all of the symptoms and they suddenly went wild!

After a little bit of internet research and a lot of to-ing and fro-ing with the doctors, I was eventually diagnosed with PCOS in 2001, when I was 17.

A very basic overview of my history with PCOS, but more will become clear as I discover The Joys of PCOS!


* I'm using joys in a totally ironic / sarcastic way. There's not much that's joyful about it, to be honest!