Especially where work is concerned.
I seriously don’t know how much longer I can go on pretending to be happy, pretending that I enjoy my job, pretending that I like the people, and generally pretending that I give a fuck.
I actually ended up breaking down in the office yesterday. There were me and 3 guys in, and they weren’t really sure how to react to me snivelling, snotting and generally making a fool of myself.
They managed ok, though.
I just don’t know how much longer I can cope with it. It doesn’t help that we have two new starters in the office, too, so we’re having to be overly fucking chirpy for them, so that they don’t realise what a shit hole it is to work in. They’ll realise soon enough, though.
I’m working tomorrow, too - although I’m not too bothered by that. I’m going to be on an event, (it’s a Family Fun Day) and usually they are really good fun. I’m part of the Dream Team tomorrow. Basically, I’m a bit of a veteran FFDer - I love them, and I’m always one of the first to put my name down for them. I’ll end up ticking some names off a list, eating a burger for lunch, having my face painted and colouring stuff in. Hardly a hard day at the office, is it!?
And I get a day off next week, too.
I’ve already lined up some recruitment stuff to get cracking with!!
I ended up not going - I got myself so worked up about it, I made myself ill, so cancelled it and put it off.
I went and did it last night.
I am so incredibly proud of myself.
I was there for about 45 minutes, and the lady that took me round was really good. I was really nervous that she'd take the mick, or make me feel crap about myself, but in fact she was totally the opposite.
When she asked me if I had any medical conditions, I said "no, I'm just fat!". She replied with. "Don't say that. You're not. And you're here, so it doesn't matter anyway. You could quite easily be at home not doing anything".
Oooo. Kkkk! Consider myself told!
There was one point where I actually, really thought I was going to die, so had to stop what I was doing, but I've made it my mission to master that piece of equipment before I go back in 4 weeks!
I'm aching a little bit today, but nothing that I can't handle!
I'm so chuffed with myself!!
Fertility Friend has finally decided that I’ve ovulated. On Thursday. I thought it’d happened on Monday, but apparently not.
My temps are super high though, which is a good thing, too. I think the chances of me being up the duff this month are slim. To none. More likely none. But, who knows, stranger things have happened!!
I’ve also decided that I’m going to go back to Slimming World. I did it about 4 years ago, and I managed to lose 2 stone in 9 months. I ended up leaving because the group leader was rubbish – she had a bit of a rough time personally, and it really affected the way she was with the group. I carried on doing it on my own for a bit, but after 18 months stopped completely.
I’ve since tried to do low GI and Rosemary Conley, but I’ve had nothing like the success I had with SW. In fact, I’ve slowly but surely put the weight back on so now, almost 4 years after I started, I’m back at the weight I was when I last joined.
What a ridiculous waste of time.
And now I’m at the point where I don’t want to do anything and don’t want to leave the house. Mr B even said I was “a bit agoraphobic”. I did point out that I didn’t think that was strictly true – I’m more reclusive than anything else!!
If nothing else, I need to get back there and lose a bit of weight so that I can feel better about myself. Maybe then my cycles will get better.
I just want to lose a bit of weight, and then hopefully get fat with a baby in my belly!!
I got up and went to the gym this morning, and then did some baking. Low GI carrot muffins for my breakfasts this week. There were a couple spare, so Mr B and I had one earlier. They were delish!!
Other than that, I haven't really done much. Mr B's dad came round for a cuppa this avo - his mum's not very well - but other than that, nothing much.
Still no signs of AF, but my temps have been pretty high for the past week or so... We'll see what happens!!
I'm really lacking in motivation at the moment, too. I promised myself when I got back from holiday (nearly three months ago!!) that I would lose weight. I haven't managed it.
Then I promised myself that I'd go to the gym regularly and lose inches instead. I haven't managed it.
Then I said that I'd find a new job. I haven't managed it.
The REALLY frustrating thing is that I get myself really down about it, sit and cry and wail and make a fuss, but don't actually do anything to change the situation I'm in.
I'm so fucking pathetic.
But I'm also incredibly tired at the moment. I slept 12 hours last night, went out for a couple of hours this morning, and then needed a snooze. I slept for another two hours, cleaned the bathroom (for an hour!! I even used a toothbrush on the tile grout!) and needed another snooze. Ridiculous.
I think a big part of my problem is boredom, and I really need to get my bloody act together!!!
Mr B and I have got a super busy, super exciting weekend ahead, and I'm really looking forward to it.
My brother was 21 at the beginning of June, and as a family we all clubbed together to buy him a day learning how to drive a rally car, so tomorrow we're off to watch him do that. I'm crossing my fingers that the weather will be good and we won't all freeze!!
We're bringing my mum home with us, and from there we'll all head off to some friend's for their annual BBQ. We didn't get to go last year as it was my dad's wedding, but we went the previous year and it was great fun - lots of people, lots of food, plenty of booze. I can't wait!
Then on Sunday, mum and I are heading in to London to do some shopping before she goes home.
Monday, I'm doing all the boring stuff I won't have done over the weekend.
I can't remember the last time I was so excited about a weekend!
My (borderline) obsession has got MUCH worse since I got a digital camera. Gone are the days where you could only take 24 photos, and they were going to cost you an arm and a leg to develop. Now, you can take as many as you like, download them to your computer, upload them to facebook and share them with the world.
The thing is...
I miss photographs. Actual, physical photos that you hold in your hand or put in an album. I have all good intentions of printing out my photos - I even have a folder called "to be printed" on my computer where I put all the best ones that I want to print ready to take to the printing place and get done.
The thing is...
I never get round to it. There are currently 400 photos in my "to be printed" folder. It's probably going to cost me about £20 to get them printed. (Can you believe it?! 400 photos for twenty quid. Bargain.) But am I ever going to spend the time putting them all in albums, or will they end up just sat in their packets waiting to be put away?
Should I trim them down some more and just print holiday pictures? Or should I just not print any?
The thing is... you just don't look at photos on the computer the way you would in an album, do you?
No sign on AF. No sign of a BFP, either.
I'm soooo frustrated! I think I'm more annoyed that AF hasn't shown up than not getting a BFP. I could cope with the BFN if I got my period, cos at least then I'd know where I was at and I can start another month, counting down to OV, waiting for the right time.
Without AF, I don't know any of that!! I'm temping still, but my temps are so up and down, I don't really know what's going on.
I really thought I'd got my periods sussed. I thought I'd started to get a somewhat normal cycle, but it turns out that that's not the case, which is probably more annoying than anything else!!
Anyway, one of them said this to me, and I think it's a really good sentiment to remember.
Obviously, I had the crying episode on Sunday.
That's not right.
I felt nauseous all day yesterday.
That's not right.
I am absolutely shattered - struggling to keep my eyes open, shattered, despite a great night's sleep.
That's not right.
I feel sick again today.
That's not right.
Mr B did joke that it might be a baby in my belly. I decided that wasn't as stoopid as it sounded, so did a test. It was, unsurprisingly, negative. AF is due this week, so I might be feeling the way I'm feeling because of that. Or because I'm genuinely ill. Who knows?? If AF doesn't arrive by Sunday, though, I'll test again and see what happens...
P.S. I was supposed to have my gym thing last night, but I cancelled because of feeling ill. Lame, I know. I will re-schedule for this weekend, though. Promise
- The work day on Friday was pretty pointless. We went sailing, watched some sport, ate and got drunk. Lovely, except for the massive pile of actual work I had to do in the office, and that it was pointless.
- Mr B and I had a day out together yesterday. All was going well until I suddenly started crying when we stopped for lunch. No warning, nor reason. I sat there for 45 mins / an hour with tears streaming down my face. We left the pub we were in, and I was fine. Mr B just kinda sat there, not knowing what to say, eating his lunch. It takes more than a few tears to put him off his food...!
- We've got a week off booked for the first week in September, and I've decided that I'm going to do my driving lessons then. I'm going to do 2 a day, for the 5 days that we're off, and hopefully, by then, will be ready for a test. I need to change my driving licence (it's still in my maiden name) and do my theory test first, but I'm really excited about it.
- I weighed myself yesterday, and I gained a pound yesterday. WTF!? I've been really good, and didn't think I deserved that. BUT! I measured myself last night, and I've lost at least half an inch from everywhere except my left arm and left calf. (An inch and a half from my waist! Whoop!!)
- I've got my gym appointment this evening... Bit nervous, bit excited, but I'm sure it'll be fine...
Well, this week has actually been a pretty major turning point.
I've stuck, as best I can with work events where I have no control over the food I have to eat, to the low GI diet, and I've done some form of exercise every single day. (One of those days it was work-related event exercise, but it still counts, surely!?)
I've even gone as far as to book myself an appointment with a guy at the gym to set up a personal programme to help me lose weight. I'm meeting Gareth, with his spiky hair and South African accent, on Monday at 7.30. I've been assured that he won't actually kill me, but I may wish he had by the time I get home...
So long as he shows me what I need to be doing to shift this weight, I don't care.
Please, someone remind me of that on Tuesday when I'm moaning about how hard I worked..!!!