Tears before bedtime

On the most part, this Not Working thing is going ok. I'm spending a couple of hours a day searching for jobs, I'm helping out a friend with his website / company to stop me from going insane, I'm keeping the house clean and tidy, I'm exercising and I'm making sure that we've got nice meals to eat.

All pretty cool.

But last night I had a bit of a realisation about just how guilty I'm feeling about money. I haven't spent any money (other than money I had for Christmas or money for bus fare) since I stopped working in December. Nothing. Not a penny.

I was supposed to be going in to town today to run some errands for Mr B, which would then mean we had a full weekend free to do things together (one of the toughest parts is being on my own. All. The. Time. So, we're trying to plan things for the weekend together). Anyway, I was planning on going there, doing what needed doing, and then coming back home again. No window shopping, no messing around, just doing what needed doing.

But then I thought it'd be quite nice to sit and have a coffee somewhere, and just relax for half an hour. Maybe even with a book, somewhere different.

So, I asked Mr B if that would be ok.

He looked at me as if I'd gone nuts, before asking why I was being so stupid - of course it's ok, and I don't need to ask his permission, either!

At that point, I burst into tears (crazy, but true!).

Turns out that, although I hadn't realised until just then I've been feeling pretty guilty about doing anything that anyone could think wasn't productive.
I feel guilty that I'm not working and that I'm so incredibly dependent on Mr B for things like the food shopping, the mortgage, the heating - everything - that I'm purposefully not doing things (I haven't had the heating on in the day, regardless of how cold I've been, because I don't want to rack up HUGE bills), or I've been doing things to justify the time I'm spending at home (the cooking, cleaning, ironing, washing and baking, mainly!).

Having realised that that was / is how I'm feeling, I actually feel much better. And, in the grand scheme of things, a fiver for a cup of coffee and a cake (I know I shouldn't, but it'd be rude not to!), isn't going to break the bank.

As it happens, though, I haven't gone into town after all.

Mr B has a delivery that I'm waiting in for, instead. Guess I'll have to run his errands tomorrow...