Out with the old, in with the new...

Happy New Year!

May 2011 bring you all you hope and dream for.

It's oh so quiet...

The decorations are down, Mr B is ill, and my mum and brother are safely back home.

And the house seems incredibly quiet. I'm really missing having them here. I feel really really homesick.

Although, homesick isn't the right word. Brother and mum sick, is probably a better way to describe it.

It's horrible.

I miss them.

Last Day

Today's my last day at my current job.

I'm a mixed bag of feelings, really.

I'm very excited about what's around the corner. It's a total blind corner, which makes it all the more exciting, I reckon!

I'm nervous, too. What if the corner's not really a corner, and it's more of a long bend and I don't find work for a long time!?

I'm terribly sad to be leaving all of the friends I've made here. Every time I've had to say goodbye to another one of them, and new wave of sadness, tears, and memories overtakes me.

But mostly, I'm relieved. I've done what I need to do to make me feel better, and now I can get on with the rest of forever.

Dear Santa...

I'm not a greedy person. There aren't many things that I'd like for Christmas. And they're not big things either - I'm not asking for World Peace or anything, the stuff I'm after is much closer to home.

Just two things would make me happy this Christmas:

1. To have our family with us - so if you can get the snow to go, that would be great.

2. To have something to look forward to in the New Year, work wise.

Merry Christmas!

A taste of things to come...

Mr B and I had today off work.

I woke up late while he went to get his hair cut, and then the two of us went and wandered around town.

We were home and on the sofa by 3.10. By 3.30 I was bored out of my tiny mind...

I guess it's just a taste of things to come in the new year. Only I won't have Mr B to keep me company then.

I've decided that I'll probably turn myself into a "WAG". What I mean by that is I'll just go to the gym all day every day, and by the end of January I'll be super slim and looking AWESOME!!!

On top of that, I will, obviously, get a job...

Hopefully...

Finger's crossed for me, please?!

Bah Humbug

I'm really excited about Christmas, really I am.

My mum and brother are coming to spend it with Mr B and I and I can't wait.

Christmas is all about family for me. Seeing my folks and Mr B's folks, grandparents, the lot, without the distraction of work, house work and all the other boring stuff that's going on every other day.

Christmas day is all about chilling out, playing some games, eating foods, and getting some drink in me!

I love giving presents too - I'm definitely a giver more than a receiver when it comes to gifting.

I couldn't care less when the tree goes up and I don't want to listen to Christmas music all day everyday in the office from the 1st December.

That, apparently, makes me a miserable Scrooge.

I don't gettit, just because that's not what makes Christmas Christmas for me, I'm the one that's in the wrong.

Surely I'm not the only one that finds the commercial build up to this one day of the year totally unnecessary.

Or am I??

I didn't get it...

I didn't get the job.

I'm pretty gutted, and a little bit panicked to be honest.

I've realised, since finding out that I haven't got it, that I had pinned all of my hopes on that job and that I'm totally deflated about it now that it's not happening.

Boo for me.

Thoughtful Thursday

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Author Unknown

Four Pounds

I've gained 4 pounds in the last 2 weeks.

Which means that I'm now only 4 pounds away from the heaviest weight I ever hit, 5 years ago. I'm sure you can imagine just how great that makes me feel.

It also means that, since I joined the class, I've GAINED half a stone. Somehow, I don't think that's the point of a slimming group.

I don't know what to do - it's obviously not working for me, and I'm spending £5 a week to be told what I already know. I know it's all down to me - if I ate anywhere near the plan, I'd lose the weight, but I just can't seem to stay on track at the moment.

Thoughtful Thursday

Life is a ticket to the greatest show on earth

Martin H. Fischer

Haha!

After struggling all day to think of a decent post, I did a shit one.

And then I found this.

Not only is it funny - it's TOTALLY true.



see more Funny Graphs

What to say!?

I must've come to post something about 10 times today, and nothing.

I know there must be updates that I can give, but I don't find them interesting, so why should you!?

Work's... ok. I sent an honest and frank email to the MD on Friday and had a good chat with him on Monday. I'm still incredibly excited about it all.

I haven't heard anything about the interview that I went for last week. I'm hoping that no news is good news.

I still haven't had a period. I'm CD60. Last cycle was a 69-er (wahey!) though, so there's still time yet.

I don't remember the last time I spent a whole day following my diet, and I'm really struggling to find any motivation at the moment....

Like I said, nothing exciting going on, really...!

Are you REALLY that arrogant?!

Although I handed in my notice on Monday, I didn't actually give my boss any real reasons. We were supposed to then catch up on Thursday and talk it through, but I got snowed in, so that didn't happen.

I ended up in the office on Friday morning with one of my directors. Until Friday, he hadn't actually acknowledged my resignation, but on Friday morning he decided he wanted to talk about it and try and understand my reasons.

It didn't quite work out like that, though - turns out he can't get his head round the fact that I'm prepared to leave a job without a new one to go to. He assumed that something must've happened in my personal life for me to make the decision (the only thing that's happened is that I decided I didn't want to be unhappy any more). Next he asked me if Mr B had had a big pay rise that meant I could afford not to work (he hasn't, and I can't).
When I'd finished telling him all the reasons I'd decided to leave, he told me that they all sounded like personal reasons, and that they weren't really anything to do with the company, so there's nothing that they can do as a company to make changes for other people.

Turns out, he didn't listen to the bit where I told him that I didn't think there was any progression for me there. Or the bit when I told him I was frustrated with the way they dangle carrots all the time and constantly makes the stick longer. Or the bit where I said they're all about the talk, and less about the action, which is really annoying.

My boss has also said that he had no idea that I was so unhappy. Turns out he didn't take me seriously at all when I told him, only 6 weeks ago, that I was ready to walk out because I was so incredibly unhappy. I'm sure that's probably my fault, too, but we'll see what happens after my conversation with him tomorrow.

The week that was!

It's been a pretty crazy week in the life of Mrs B!

On Monday, I handed in my notice at the job I've been in for more than five years, without a new one to go to. It was a tough decision that I thought long and hard about, and 5 minutes before going in to the meeting with my manager, I wasn't sure if I was making the right decision. Less than five minutes after I'd done it, though, I was certain that it was.

They made no attempt to change my mind, didn't try to keep me, aren't interested (apparently) in understanding the reasons behind my decision.

I was a little bit disappointed that, after 5 years of bloody hard work, they didn't even think that it was worth asking me if there was anything they could do to keep me.

I guess if someone's leaving with nothing else to go to, though, it's pretty obvious that there's no going back...

On Tuesday I had an interview for a job at a company local to where I live. At the moment, Mr B has to drop me off / pick me up because I don't drive, and I'm working a 10 hour day every day. In contrast, it took me 30 minutes to walk home after my interview - in snow / ice / dark, too, so I think on a "good" day (and when I've done it a bit more often and my fitness levels are better!) I could do it in 20. Awesome.
The job's a 6 month maternity cover contract, so nothing too long term, but it's with a massive organisation, so I think it would be a great foot in the door anyway. Please, keep everything crossed for me!

We also made a pretty big (but very sensible) decision about TTC this week, too. We've decided that, because I will be officially unemployed in 3 weeks time and I don't know when (or where) my next pay packets coming from, it wouldn't be great timing if I were to fall pregnant. So, we've decided that we're going to take a break from TTC. That's not to say that we're going to use contraceptives, but we're not going to jump to it when we think I'm OV-ing, like we have been doing lately.

I still haven't managed to get a new thermometer, so I haven't temped for more than a week.
I know I'm CD 54, though, and I think I OV'd a couple of days ago, which would make this cycle very similar to / the same as the last one, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Right, I've got a handover bible to write for work, so I best get cracking... !

4 Days...

It's been 4 days since I last temped.

I hadn't planned to stop, my thermometer broke, so until I can get a new one, I'm not worrying about it.

It actually feels strangely liberating. Not hearing the alarm go off and having to remember to shove the thermometer in my gob. Not charting what the outcome is. Not spending hours poring over the chart trying to work out whether the right time is coming, going, or missing altogether this month.

I'm enjoying my little thermometer vacation, but I know I'll need to start again.

Soon.

Probably.

Maybe.

Perhaps....

Thoughtful Thursday

It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.

Theodore Rosevelt

Notice

This time next week, I will've handed in my notice at work.

I still don't have a new job yet, but my hopes are high.

I've been thinking about what to write in my letter, and I keep coming back to:

You can shove your f*cking job up your arse.

I'm outta here.

Not sure what the reference I'd get would be like, though....

The Chat...

We knew it would happen - the only surprise was that it hadn't happened sooner.

We spoke to Mr B's parents about the baby situation and my PCOS...

Mr B got a new car yesterday - it's bigger and a bit more of a "family" car, and it prompted some questions from the in laws. He had mentioned my PCOS to them in the past, but not in a great amount of detail, and didn't explain to them what it would mean from a fertility perspective either.

He was there on his own on Thursday and they asked him about it - they were curious, but didn't want to raise it in from of me and upset me. Mr B explained everything as best he could, but I felt that I needed to mention it, too.

When we were round there earlier we had a good chat about it. I explained that it isn't impossible, but isn't going to be a quick and simple thing for us, either. I also explained that it breaks my heart that I might not be able to make Mr B a daddy. I ended up getting up a little bit upset, and my FIL had a little cry too, bless him!

I also told them that there's a chance that we'll need to have treatment, and a possibility that if we do, we won't tell them. It's a personal thing, and if we struggle with it (which I'm sure we will - we're only human!) we're not going to want to talk about it all the time.

They told us that there's absolutely no pressure from them and they won't ask us any more about it, but we can talk to them as and when we want to.

It feels like a huge weight has been lifted because we talked to them about it. I knew the conversation was always going to come, and was always a bit nervous about what their reaction would be. But it's done now, and I feel much better about it.

I'm also excited about the car, too - it's going to be the car that takes us to our scans, it'll take us to our antenatal classes, it'll be the car that we bring our baby home in.

That's what I'm telling myself, anyway...

A Little Headache...

So, last night four of us from work got together and had pizza night. Just a "quiet" night in with some home made pizzas and booze.

Urgh.

I really didn't drink that much, but I went to bed at midnight and was up again at 6 this morning. When I got up this morning, I felt fine. Now, 4 hours on, not so much.

I've got a headache, I feel a little bit sick and I'm absolutely shattered. So much so that I could do with a snooze. In the office.

And, what makes it even better is that I've got to work tonight. Until late. ish. I'm really not quite sure how I'm going to make it to lunchtime, let alone 11.30 tonight.

Oh, and to add to my discomfort I desperately need a poo (and have done for 24 hours) but have a fear of going in a public place. In fact, if it's not my house or my mum's house, there's no chance.

Roll on midnight tonight when I get home, go toilet, and crawl into my own bed.

Bliss.

Nothing much to say...

As the title suggests, I don't really have much to say...

I'm incredibly disappointed with myself and my apparent inability to stick at a fucking diet and keep putting on weight, but that's nothing new.

That's all that's going on with me, really.

My cycle is never ending - I reckon my period's got lost in all the lard it's having to fight its way through...

Thoughtful Thursday

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing and becomes nothing.

Leo Buscaglia

One year Done

We had a fab anniversary weekend. We went away and just spent some quality time together.

We had sex because we could, because we wanted to, and for us, rather than because we should, we had to, and the time was right. I think we both enjoyed it (and ourselves!) a lot more as a result.

Maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe the constant talk about it being "the right time", or the right position, or whatever is having more of an affect on our sex life than either of us would like to admit.

I think that, despite the longing for a baby, it's affecting me more than I thought it was, so it must be affecting him, too. Although he'd never admit it. Being asked to perform on demand must be pretty tough going, though.

But, like I say, we both had a lovely time. We both enjoyed sexy time, too, and I think it's important for both of us to keep enjoying each other (while we still have the chance!)

I can't help hoping, though, that this weekend was THE weekend. That we've actually conceived on our relaxing anniversary weekend, amidst the snoozing, the eating (and there was a LOT of that!) and the drinking... That would be pretty special!

The Best Advice...

I spoke to my Grandma today - she was wishing us a happy wedding anniversary. We had a little chat, and before she rang off she said to me:

"Just keep loving each other. That's what's important".

She's been married to my Pap for over 50 years, so I guess she knows what she's talking about...!

Happy Anniversary

Dear Mr B

Happy first wedding anniversary.

Exactly a year ago, you and I were exchanging our wedding vows. I can't believe where that time has gone. It's been an absolutely amazing year - we've been to Prague, to Kenya, been snowed in, slept in my office, had broken heating and lots of other adventures, too!

I know we've got a lot of other adventures coming, too, and can't wait to have them with you.

I'm sorry that trying for a baby has taken over for the past few months. But I'm more sorry that I haven't been able to make you a daddy yet. I hope that that changes before we get to our second anniversary.

I love you, Mr B. You're my happy ever after, my best friend, my always.

I can't wait for the rest of forever with you.
xxx

What are my chances...?

Mr B and I celebrate our first wedding anniversary tomorrow - I can't wait!
We're going away for the weekend and it'll be really nice to switch off the phones, relax, and spend some time together, just the two of us.

As a wedding present, he bought me a beautiful Tiffany's charm bracelet and charm, the idea being that every year he could add to it for our anniversary (and maybe other important, significant milestones (babies!!) too) without ever being out of ideas or having to ask me.

It hasn't quite worked out like that, and he's asked me to choose a charm this year. Seriously, one year (and one charm) in, and he's already stuck!?!

I sent him a picture of this one:

I'm not holding my breath!

Thoughtful Thursday

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut and a woman who can't sleep with the window open

George Bernard Shaw

I saw this one, and had to make it my Thoughtful Thursday post. In our marriage, this is totally true!! x

Anniversary Excitement!

On Sunday Mr B and I will celebrate our first wedding anniversary. On Wednesday, we will have been together for 9 years.

I'm struggling a little bit to know what to get him, and he's been particularly useless at dropping me any hints, so i've been left to my own devices!

I have had a bit of inspiration from the Love, Actually blog and I'm gojng to make some personalised scratch cards for him.

Hope he appreciates the thought and effort that'll go in to them.

Just need to think of some suitable... prizes, now!!

Made me chuckle...

RESULT!!

Mr B and I cooked a healthy and scrummy dinner this evening. We both did a bit, so neither of us had to spend too long in the kitchen, but it was well worth it.

I feel healthier already, and it's defo a step in the right direction!

Self Sabotage

Just recently it seems that I'm sabotaging myself ALL THE TIME and I've just about had enough!

I am so angry at myself.

Last night Mr B and I had chip shop chips for dinner... Not healthy, not on my diet, and definitely not helping me lose weight!

I'd spent the afternoon cooking soups and things for the week so that I had some lovely lunches, but by the time it came to making dinner.

Frustratingly, last night's dinner was also going to be tonight's dinner, so all I've actually done is make more work for myself for tonight!

Trick or Treat?!

Catch up...

I've had a weird kinda week... Nothing much has gone on, but I've been super stressed and pissed off.

I'm CD19, with no signs of ovulation yet. I'm hoping that it hurries along so that AF can come visit again. I've got soya and EPO ready for next cycle, and I'm excited to get started.

Work is totally doing my head in, but the closer the end of November gets, the more nervous I get, too. I'm definitely handing in my notice, but there's still no sign of a new job for me to go to.

It's just over a week until our first wedding anniversary. Mr B and I are heading away for the weekend, and I can't wait. We're going to a country house not far away, but it'll be nice to get away... I've booked us a junior suite, but he doesn't know. I can't wait!

Nothing much to add...

I realise I haven't posted for a few days, but that's predominantly because there's nothing to add...

Work is still rubbish, I'm still not getting as much lovin' as I'd like, and I still don't know what's going on with my damn cycle!

I did, however, get so horribly drunk on Friday night that I was sick. Really sick. Sicker than I've been since my 18th birthday. Maybe even sicker than that... Anyway, it's out of my system now, and I won't ever be drinking again!!

x

If I were a PS3 Game...

... I'd probably stand more chance of getting pregnant.

I'd definitely see more of Mr B.

He seems to have been bitten by the bug again at the moment. He can go weeks (sometimes months) without even looking at it, but when he does eventually pick up the controller, I lose him. For hours, no days, at a time.

For the most part, he stays up after I've gone to bed. Which would be fine if we weren't trying for a baby... I don't think he quite grasps the salient details of the birds and the bees. Let's be honest, it doesn't happen by pressing the right buttons on a controller. (Pressing the right buttons for ME wouldn't be a bad thing, though...!)

Anyway, that's enough of my moan...

I bought some soya and EPO earlier this week. I'm too far in to this cycle to try either, but I will defo be popping some of those bad boys at the beginning of the next one.

That, and trying to entice hubby to play with me, instead of the PlayStation...!

Aaarggghhh!!

I've had a nightmare few days, which is why I've been a bit quiet on here...

I nearly walked out of my job on Friday. I tried to explain this, and just how annoyed I was, to my boss today, and he didn't believe me. Which frustrated me further and resulted in me crying. Which made me even more frustrated.
Fuck them, though - there's only 5 more Mondays until I hand in my notice. Ha!

My period finally stopped over the weekend. Hoo-rah!

I slept like a demon at the weekend. 12 hours Friday night, 15 on Saturday night. And I still feel like I could do with more.

I read A LOT yesterday. Don't get me wrong, I had cleaning, ironing and cooking I needed to do, but I read my book. It's called Divine by Mistake by P.C. Cast and I'm totally absorbed.... I think it's aimed at teenagers, but, whatever. I'm enjoying it... It's the first in a series of 3, and I went to try and get the other two tonight. Incredibly frustrated to find that they didn't have them any more... I'll hunt them down on Amazon, instead.

I've totally fallen off the diet bandwagon. So much so that it's actually making me feel quite ill. I'm constantly bloated and feel full. Think it's safe to say I've had a bit of a carb overload, but I'm getting back on it tomorrow, I promise.

Thoughtful Thursday

Every saint has a past

Every sinner has a future

Same old, same old

It seems that, just lately, I wear the same old thing every day.

For the past three days, I've worn trainers, jeans and a long sleeved top for work.

At home, I change the jeans for joggers, and the trainers for slippers.

What a glamour puss I am!!!

I don't remember the last time I wore make up, I desperately need to wax my face (bearded woman springs to mind!), and my hair is long over due a cut.

I sometimes feel like I should make more of an effort, but I really can't be arsed. I sit in an office all day with the same people, and it's enough of an effort to even make it to the office every day, let alone put my war paint on before hand!

It doesn't help that I ABSOLUTELY HATE shopping. I don't like the people. I don't like the lack of choice for fat birds. And I don't like the hassle. Internet shopping might seem like the sensible option, but I need to try things on, otherwise I STILL have to go to the shops to return stuff. Nightmare.

I'm actually out at meetings all day tomorrow. While I'm quite looking forward to it, I'm also dreading it. I have no idea what I'm going to wear. It'll be an interesting evening this evening while I'm working my way through my wardrobe, totally disregarding EVERYTHING I own!

Left, Right, and Centre

I made the decision a few weeks ago that I would hand in my notice at the end of November, whether I had a job to go to or not because I've had enough of working here and I don't want to move offices with them.

New Year, New Start, and all that.

I felt empowered. I felt positive. I felt excited. I felt brave.

That was 4 weeks ago, though.

Now, with the end of November only 6 weeks away, I feel slightly differently.

I feel nervous. I feel a bit scared. I feel worried.

I still feel empowered, positive, excited and brave, though.

So, I'm applying for jobs like there's no tomorrow. The trouble is, I'm not really hearing back from any of them. There aren't all that many that are tickling my fancy, either, which makes it even more difficult...

Keep your finger's crossed for me, though, cos I just applied for an AWESOME one!
x

CD2...

Well, yesterday I was in quite a lot of pain, and actually a bit ill, too, with the start of my period.


Today, though, the pain and sickness has gone, although the period hasn't!


I feel pretty shattered, but that's not unusual for a Monday, either.


I was disappointed that I didn't / couldn't make it to the gym yesterday, and it doesn't look like I'll get to go before weigh in on Wednesday, either. I've got a pretty busy week (and weekend) ahead, which is great socially, but not so great with the diet / exercise etc.


Work's pretty shoddy today, too. I came in to find 11 emails from one of the guys who is on leave this week, and a whole host of stuff to do for him. Thanks for the head's up on that one... The last email he sent actually told me to prioritise something that I wouldn't have usually prioritised so that it's done when he's back... I take it that means he won't mind if his clients haven't been contacted, so long as the other thing's done!?

And so it begins... (again)

The witch arrived this morning.

I think I'm more disappointed than I have been before, but, onwards and upwards we go...

What a difference a year makes...

It's a long one today. And a bit rambly. So, no offence if you skip it!

This time last year I was with 8 of my best girlies enjoying my hen weekend. I can't say I was overly impressed me in this:

and made me walk around Oxford city centre, though...

We did have an amazing weekend. Fancy dress, shopping, and learning the best dance EVER for my wedding reception.

But, it was also the weekend that I admitted to my mum, my cousin, Mr B and more importantly myself that I was suffering with depression again.

I was unhappy at work. I was stressed with the wedding prep (in fact, that's a lie. I was stressed because I didn't think I was stressed enough how absolutely ridiculous is that?!). But mostly, I was stressing that once we got married, people would expect us to get pregnant. Would ask us when they would come.

And I wouldn't be able to cope with it.

In fact, that hasn't happened. I don't think we've been asked by anyone, actually. The people that matter know our situation, and know we'd tell them if there was anything to tell. If anyone does think that it is their business to ask, I tell them (with a smile) that it's got nothing to do with them!

Anyway, I got back. I went to the doctors. I got myself a some help, and set about making myself better.

I spoke to my boss. I told him my situation. I explained I was unhappy with work. I explained that I didn't feel like I was going anywhere and wanted to make some changes with what I was doing. He promised that we'd make some big changes. That when I came back to work as Mrs B it would be a brand new start for me.

And changed it has. For the worst. I haven't progressed any further at all. In fact, I've taken a massive step back, which is one of the main reasons for my leaving at the end of this year.

But, on the whole, the past 12 months has been awesome. We've been married for almost a year. We've had two amazing holidays. We've started our TTC journey. I stopped the anti depressants. I am much happier now than I was this time last year.

Despite the dance lesson...

High Hopes...

I hadn't realised until this morning that I was 16DPO without any sign of AF, I've been wondering "what if...".

I was going to be really patient and POAS early next week, but I got impatient. It's a character trait of mine.

So, I did a HPT this evening. I guess I had high hopes. And now they've been shattered by the BFN I got.

I'm still pinning my hopes on the fact that I'm not out the witch arrives, and if she hasn't arrived by Tuesday, I'll try again...

16DPO. CD68

This cycle feels like it's never ending.

Apparently, I OV'd 16 days ago. I'm not convinced.

If I did, this is the longest LP I've had in the cycles I've previously tracked, which on the one hand makes me think (very quietly, in my head!) maybe I'm baking a baby The pessimist realist in me thinks it's more likely that I didn't ovulate when I think I did.

I think it's more than likely that the witch will arrive over the weekend, but if it doesn't, I'll test early next week just in case.

Thoughtful Thursday

It's good to be just plain happy, it's a little better to know

that you're happy; but to understand that you're happy and to

know why and how and still be happy, be happy in the being

and the knowing, well that is beyond happiness, that is bliss.

Henry Miller

One Day in Paradise...

I fed a baby camel...



Hung out with some ring-tailed lemurs...

and met a Tiger called Rocky...

Some days at work aren't all bad!

On a mission

I've got my success head on, and I'm going to lose weight this week.

I've got 5 weeks until my anniversary, and I will be at least half a stone lighter by then.

Go go go!

Booked!

Mr B and I celebrate our First Wedding Anniversary in just over a month (I really don't know where that year has gone).

We couldn't decide what to do, but I had an email at work today from a hotel chain that have got a special offer on, so I've booked us a room here

He thinks I went for the cheapest option, but I haven't... I've upgraded us to a Junior Suite.

He better bloody notice...!!!

Thoughtful Thursday

Many a person who goes on a diet finds out in short order that they are poor losers

FOUR POUNDS!? Seriously?!

I had fat club last night. I wasn't hopeful, and I was expecting a gain.

I wasn't expecting a 4lb gain.

I was really disappointed and don't think I deserved it at all.

One of the other girls went through her week:

I had chinese on Friday, with mojitos and champagne. On Saturday I went to a friends house and we drank wine and ate pizze. And Sunday I had a hangover and ate crap, too. So yeah, I think I deserved my half pound gain.

FUCK OFF!

You deserved my four.

Bitch.

Whatever. I'll be there again next week. AND I'll be thinner!

CD 59, 5DPO?

Seriously?! WTF is going on with my body?!!?!?

Day 30 - a dream for the future.

To have a happy and healthy family.

Day 29 - hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365

There are a few, but I don't think they're too outrageous!?

To be a mummy

To get a new job (and be happy in it!)

To lose weight (and put it back on again when I get pregnant)

To keep going to the gym

To go on holiday with my mummy

To be happy

There are probably a whole load of other things, too, but they're the things I can think of right now!!

Day 28 - What's in your handbag

I had all good intentions of taking photos and everything for this post, but life got in the way, and I haven't quite done that, so you'll have to make do with a description instead.

The bag itself is a Fiorelli one in a dark teal colour.

The bag itself hold my life:

My purse
My filofax
Office Keys
House Keys
3 different lip salves
A lip gloss
A mini purse with tampons (cos with PCOS you never know when the witch is gonna rock up)
Tissues
An Umbrella
Random receipts
Kitchen Towel (not sure where that came from!)

Packing Summer Away...

The weather has really changed over the past couple of days - Autumn is definitely here, and I love it!

It's not cold, it's crisp.

It's not wet, it's damp.

It's not windy, it's fresh.

I am definitely an Autumn chick - it just suits me. I'm not "built" for the heat of summer, and I hate the frozen coldness of winter, so Autumn's great because it's just in the middle. Thick jumpers, hot chocolate and sofa cuddles. Lush.

So, this afternoon, Mr B and I are packing away summer and digging out the knitwear that'll get us through the next few months.

Bliss

Day 27 - Your worst habbit

I'm messy. Really messy, and a bit lazy, too.

If there's a chance of something being done for me, rather than me doing it, I'll sit back and watch it happen...!

Day 26 - Your week, in great detail

See day 25, rinse and repeat x 5, and then add two days of sleeping, reading, relaxing, exercising and cleaning my house!

Day 25 - Your day in detail

This is as detailed as I'm prepared to get!

5.45 - Alarm clock goes off, switched back off again
6.04 - Mr B comes to wake me up!
6.05 - Get up, get washed, get dressed
6.40 - Head downstairs, eat breakfast
6.50 - Leave home
7.15 - Arrive at work. Get coffee, log on. Check emails / facebook / blog
8.00 - Start work. Try not to kill stupid-ass colleagues
12.00 - Eat Lunch. At my desk
5.15 - Mr B picks me up to head home
5.45 - supermarket. Quick stop for "essentials"
6.15 - Get home. I chill out on the sofa for half an hour, while Mr B gets out of his suit etc.
6.45 / 7.00 - Get dinner
7.30 - Watch TV / go online / chill with the hubs
10.00 - Bed.
10.30 - Sleep.

Once Upon a Time...

This week's been pretty mental... I had a migraine for the first three days of the week, so bad that on Tuesday night I couldn't really see...

Mr B came and laid on the bed with me, and I asked him to read to me. He wasn't up for that, so I suggested that we make up our own story. I started with "Once Upon a time..." and left it for him to finish.

Nothing. Nada. It was like there was just a big gaping hole where his imagination should be. He couldn't think of anything.

So I continued with "... there lived a beautiful princes..."

Still nothing. I ended up getting so frustrated with his lack of imagination that I told him to leave me alone, and I'd come up with my own story!!

Luckily, after almost 18 hours of solid sleep, my migraine had gone.

I've been headache free since mid-afternoon on Wednesday, and I love being in my own head again!! Such a relief!
x

Day 24 - Where I live

Thoughtful Thursday

A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your futures, and accepts you just the way you are.

Day 23 - A YouTube Video

Day 22 - A Website

The Verity Discussion Boards have been an absolute lifesaver for me.

There are lots of ladies also suffering with PCOS, who have oodles of advice, support and friendship. Whatever the question, there'll be someone there with an answer.

http://verity-pcos.org.uk/forum/

Just checking...

Today is day 51 of my cycle.

I'm well aware that it's not the longest cycle in history, but it's the longest I've had in the past 12 months or so, which is really disappointing. I really thought I was getting somewhere with my cycles...

Anyway, last night I had the sudden thought that I hadn't tested for a while, and what if (by some strange, flukey turn of fate!) I was actually a month pregnant without realising!? Wouldn't that be awesome???

Why yes, of course it would be awesome. But things like that don't *just* happen for someone with PCOS! So I wasn't all that surprised or disappointed to get a BFN when I P'dOAS last night. I also OPK'd - there was no joy there, either.

So there's no sign of OV, there's no sign of AF, and I have no idea where I'm at....

Awesome.

Day 21 - a Recipe

I love to cook. This one's a recipe that I've discovered recently. It's quick, it's easy, and it's de-lish!

Chop some courgettes, peppers (I like red and orange), mushrooms, spring onions and fine beans.
Cook them in a frying pan until they're nicely done.
Whisk some eggs and pour over the veg.
Cook in the pan until the base is firm.
Sprinkle on some cheese, and cook under a grill until the top's cooked.

Eat it!

Yummy scrummy!!!

14 Mondays Left

Until Christmas.

Which means there's only 14 more Mondays here...!

Sunday night is followed by...

Monday morning.

I can't believe that another week's done. And that the weekend's over already.

But, on the plus side, it means I'm another week closer to leaving that hell hole!

Day 20 - A hobby of yours

I love making cards. And taking photos.

I'm not particularly good at either, but it chills me out and I enjoy it, so here are some photos of cards I've made!

You have to do more than just look at it...

When I set up this blog, it was supposed to be about Mr B and I trying for a baby (and it still is, really!) but I realised earlier this week that I haven't really said much about that for a while.

And it's because, in all honesty, there isn't much to tell.

We've actively been trying for a baby since we got back from our honeymoon in May, which I know isn't a particularly long time. I'm tracking and my temperature, and using ovulation prediction kits (for what use they are!). I'm currently at day 47 of this "months" cycle, with no sign of ovulation....

Part of the problem is that we're sooo tirrred!!!! We're both working 10 hour days (and have been since last December) and we're out of the house for 12, so when we do finally fall in to bed, sleep tends to be the thing we're most interested in doing!

I'm also conscious that I don't want Mr B to feel as though I'm just interested in his spermies (which is difficult when I'm saying, "I know you're tired, but it's the right time...!).

We know that it's going to be a long journey for us - that is one of the plus sides of me being diagnosed so young - we know the battles we face.

Mr B and I want to be parents more than anything. And I reckon we'd be pretty good at it, too.

We'll get there.

Eventually.

Day 19 - A Talent of Yours

I'm not really a particularly talented person... so nothing to report here, I'm afraid!

Day 18 - Your wedding, past present or future

Our wedding day was November 7th 2009.

It had rained all week in the run up to the wedding, so I was pretty much expecting that it would be a wash out (that's what you get for having a wedding in November in the UK!). But I woke up on the morning of the wedding to a text message from my cousin saying "beautiful day for a wedding". And it really was. The sun shone and there wasn't a drop of rain. It was a bit cold at times, but overall it was a magical day with our family and close friends.

When I started blogging, I promised Mr B that I wouldn't post any pictures of him, which is why the piccies are a bit "abstract" !

Day 17 - An Art Piece

I'm gonna skip this one... Art isn't really my thing!!

In fact, I'd go as far to say that I'm completely ignorant, and maybe that's something I should try to change... ?

Thoughtful Thursday

If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there.

Lewis Carroll

Facebook is evil.

I just logged on to see the following update from one of my friends:

Yes I'm getting fat, but it's allowed...it's a baby

So apparently I need to be having a baby for my weight to be ok....

Day 16 - A song that makes you cry

This one's an easy one.

Eva Cassidy, Song Bird.

It was the song that they carried my uncle in to at his funeral. I was at a wedding last year and it was actually their first dance. I had to leave and go for a cigarette and a cry.

So sleepy...!

I slept so well last night, but I'm really suffering this morning. I think I've got a kidney infection, too - I've been in quite a lot of pain over the last 18 hours or so. Really frustrating, but nothing I can do about it!

It's so frustrating that, less than three working days after a week off, I'm so tired and run down again. If anything, I think it highlights to me how incredibly drained I am by this job...

To that end, I've frantically been looking for something new. I can't keep doing it, and I think the office move in December is the perfect deadline for me.

I've got fat club tonight. I didn't go last week, so I'm a little bit nervous about how I'll've got on. My plan had been to go to the gym every day last week while we were off, and that just didn't happen. In fact, I don't remember the last time I went.... I need to get back in the habit, but I really don't have the energy....

Day 15 - Your Dream House

Open plan

Light

Airy

Garden

4 Bedroom

Beautiful kitchen

Big bathroom

I don't want much, do I...

One Day Back

After one day back in the office, I already feel crap. I'm finding it hard to believe that I had a week off last week!!

I'm absolutely shattered, but things can only get better, surely!?

I sent an email to the recruitment agent today and told her about the pending office move, and that being a "deadline" on the job junt.

I'm currently at CD43... Last "month" I ovulated at CD44(ish) so I'm going to get some action with Mr B!! Haha!!

On a completely different not, I read today that 21% of parents have forgotten how to play with their children.... That's a huge amount of people that just don't prioritise spending time with their children. That's really sad...

Day 14 - a non fictional book

This is a book I read time and again. Although I've listed it on Day 14 as a non fictional book, it is kind of a non fictional book, too...

It's the story of a young boy (Joseph) who meets Sam (the genie) and Sam teaches the boy about positivity and how you can change the way you feel about situations just by changing the way you approach it in your head.

Less than an hour

The amount of time I've been back in the office.

I'm already hideously pissed off.

I hadn't even switched my computer on before some dick head started reeling off a list of things I needed to get done today.

Seriously? You don't think the 183 emails are a priority of mine?

Someone's been using my desk / computer, so the desktop's clogged up with shit (that I'm tempted to delete) and there's stuff all over my desk.

So fricking annoying!!

Day 13 - A fictional book

I always have a book or two on the go, so I'll go with the one I'm reading at the moment...

Careless in Red by Elizabeth George

day 12 - Something you are OCD about

There isn't really anything I'm OCD about, really.

I'm relatively laid back about everything.... Although more recently, I'm starting to get OCD about temping, charting and doing the deed!

Hello, Weekend!

I've been off all week, so the weekend only really signifies that I've achieved nothing on the "to do" list that I wrote for myself at the beginning of the week.

I aimed to go to the gym every day this week. I haven't.

I was going to start selling things on eBay this week. I haven't.

I was going to sort out about driving lessons this week. I haven't.

What I have done, though, is chill out and relax a bit. I've spent time with my hubby. I've watched crap TV. I've read books. I've slept and rested. I've enjoyed my time off.

I'm a little bit worried how I'll cope next week though - being back at work, and not able to have a little nap in the afternoon...!!

Day 11 - A photo taken of you recently

May 2010, at Mount Kenya National Reserve, heading out on a walking safari.

Day 10 - A Photo of you taken more than 10 years ago

This one's probably 20 years old... Butter wouldn't melt, huh?!

Day 9 - a Photo you took

So frustrating!

I'm so frustrated with myself at the moment.

I want a baby more than anything in the world, yet I can't seem to stop sabotaging myself.

I know I need to lose weight to help me get there, but I can't stop stuffing my face with crap.

I know I need to exercise to help me lose weight, but I can't stop coming up with excuses.

Because we're off this week, I was determined to get a head start on the diet and the exercise, but so far, I've achieved nothing. That said, I did spend nearly two hours this morning poring over recipe books etc, only to discover that I'd managed to confuse myself and get in a tizz that resulted in me crying, and getting nowhere with the shopping list.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm overthinking the diet, and need to simplify my thoughts and get my arse in gear. How else will I ever manage to get up the duff?

More than Chocolate...

Mr B and I were out shopping the other day and I saw a baby grow that said:

My Mummy Loves Me More Than Chocolate

It had me close to tears, because I really would love a baby more than chocolate....

Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry / sad

My aunt and uncle. Taken just over 5 years ago. He died less than 12 months after it was taken.

I never realised how special he was to me until it was too late, and that makes me sad.