Back on Track

Well, after yesterday's not so great day, I am back on track with the diet today.

I'm happily munching my nibbles every 15 minutes, I snacked on an apple, and I've got ham salad and a kiwi fruit for lunch. AND I resisted the Mars Bar crispy cakes that are being bandied around the office.

The difference is that, when I'm at work, the choice of what I have to eat (the things in my bag Vs nothing) are limited considerably, so I stick to what I'm supposed to be doing.

So, whilst having time off work is AWESOME, the routine that work gives me is much better for the diet!

Well, that just sucks!

After yesterday's awesome weigh in, I was really fired up for getting going on this week's diet, and excited to speak to my advisor for the first time this evening.

She was due to call me at 6.30. It's now just gone 9pm and I still haven't heard from her, which is pretty annoying. Last week she wouldn't speak to me as she hadn't received my payment, but she emailed on Thursday to say that she'd received it and would call me on Monday.

I've emailed her this evening and said that, as I haven't heard from her, I expect that the six weeks I've paid for will start next week (I'm not paying for a week when I don't get the support I'm paying for!!).

It's also been a bit of a bad day for sticking to the diet. It's a bank holiday weekend, which is great as it means 4 days off work, but isn't so great because of the decorating we're doing. That means, in turn, that I haven't really left the house for 4 days so I'm bored and restless. Which in turn, means I eat things I shouldn't.

It doesn't help that there's a whole load of chocolate and sweets around because of easter. If it wasn't there, I wouldn't want it, but because it is, I do. Here's hoping Mr B scoffs it all while I'm at work tomorrow!!

Week One Weigh In

Well, after the phone call from my Dad on Thursday, my dinner went a little bit pear pizza shaped! And then on Friday I was out for dinner for a friend's birthday, so all in all, I wasn't too sure that weigh in was going to go well.

So, imagine my surprise when the scales showed that I was

FIVE POUNDS LIGHTER!

I am so happy - I'm five pounds closer to my 4 stone target!!

The C Word

Picture from http://flanaxusa.wordpress.com/

I had a phone call from my dad on Friday evening telling me that they'd found out on Friday that his wife has breast cancer.

I don't have a particularly good relationship with her - I've never really liked her, she drinks too much and she's aggressive with it - but my dad loves her and she seems to make him happy and that's the most important thing.

So, I was quite surprised to find that I ended up getting quite upset about it all, really. I think maybe because it's my dad's wife, and I know that he'll be struggling with it all, but also because the only other person I've ever known with cancer was my uncle, and he died within a year of diagnosis.

On the positive side, though, they've caught hers really early from a routine mammogram. At the moment it's 1cm long, and she's booked in for day surgery on May 18th to have it removed. After that, they'll see what the best course of action is...

Must try harder...

I have no real idea where I am in my cycle, but being ever the optimist, decided to test last night.

As a result, we must try harder....

Mission Accepted!



Picture from officedog.co.uk

 So, I've set myself the target of losing 4 stone by 2012, and my mission started yesterday.

I'm doing a metabolic rate diet, which is completely different to anything I've ever done before, and I'm feeling really positive about it.

My understanding is that, after the first couple of weeks, the diet is specifically matched to you and your metabolic rate. I get 121 support from a consultant on the phone and via email. And I KNOW this diet works for women with PCOS as a number of the ladies on the Verity website have had great success with it.

The general rile with it is to eat pretty much all of the time. I have 6 small meals a day (instead of 3 big uns) and eat "nibbles" every 15 minutes. Basically, they're a thumb nail piece of pepper / celery / mange tout / carrot etc, that I eat every quarter of an hour. The theory there is that it takes 1 minute for the nibble to digest, but 13 minutes for you metabolism to switch off. So, for the 12 minutes in between, you're burning fat cells instead. So I'm literally sitting here now, losing weight. I can feel it melting away... (OK, so that's not strictly true, but it's a nice thought all the same!)

I'm really really focussed on this diet, and I'm determined to make it work. I WILL REACH MY TARGET!!

Catch up

Just a quick one today, and mainly photos, too.

I've struggled a bit, time wise, with the photography challenge but I have managed to catch up.

One of the challenges was about lines and repetition, and one of the others about protecting the photos that are on the blog. I'm still missing the colour and contrast aspect, but I'll get it, I promise!

Lines and repetition....

This is my radiator in the living room - it didn't quite come out as I'd hoped, but it'll do!

I was out last night with some friends and even though I was very drunk, I was still thinking about the challenge. And these lights really caught my eye. The camera on my  phone isn't great, so sorry for the poor quality.

And, because the diet and the mission to lost 4 stone by 2012, I baked cookies today! They're Nigella's Totally Chocolate Chocolate Chip Cookies. They are AMAZING, even if I say so myself!

Quick catch up....

Well, after my "woe is me" post the other day, we had a work night out last night.

I wasn't really looking forward to it - what with thinking everyone hated me and all - but in fact had a really good night.

I spent time with people that I don't usually spend time with and that was nice, but also talked differently to people that I do usually spend time with, and it was a really nice evening!

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I've not really kept up with my posts for the SITS photography challenge this week. I've taken some pictures, but haven't actually had time to upload them yet. I will try to catch up over the weekend, promise! 

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Mr B and I have been totally rubbish at DTD this week. I'm a bit disappointed in us, to be honest, because we were doing really well (and enjoying it, too!), but this week it's gone off track. Maybe it's because I think I might've OV'd already, so don't see the point!?

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I'm starting a new diet this weekend. It's a PCOS Metabolic Rate diet, and I'm really excited and motivated about it - I think because other PCOS sufferers have had HUGE success with it. If I stick to it, I'm sure I can achieve my 4 stone by 2012 target!

So, I think they hate me...

I can't help feeling like I'm hated in the workplace...


I've been in my new job now for nine weeks, and just get the feeling that they fricking hate me.


A couple of weeks ago, my line manager and I had a one to one, and she told me that while there hadn't been any negative feedback about my work and she's impressed at how quickly I've picked everything up.
"But", she said, "I just don't think you're taking ownership of what you're doing. That's not to say you're not taking responsibility, because you are, but I just don't think you're owning it 1. I know you came from a support role before 2, and I just don't think you've stepped up to where we need you to be. I think you need to take more time to think about what you're doing 3".


It pissed me off for a whole host of reasons, but I decided that I'd just slow down the speed at which I was working and try to get on her good side. Even though she's a bitch.


The next day, she offered me a lift home, though, so I figured it was all cool.


There have been another couple of nit-picky things, too, that I thought were blown a little bit out of proportion (like me copying and pasting the same piece of information twice) that wouldn't have been mentioned had someone else done it.


My line manager's not in today, and the general atmosphere is much nicer. When I got back from lunch, there were 3 of us having a chat while we worked about... well, crap, really. Anyway, we're all talking and our acting supervisor turned to me and said "shh now, [the MD's] in that office". Erm, ok, but why are you bitching just at me, lady cakes!

I just don't get it - what have I done for them all to be bitching at me all the frigging time?!




1. How the fuck can I be taking responsibility, but not ownership for something?
2. Actually, that's where you're wrong. The recruitment agency changed my CV before they sent it to you so that you didn't think I was over qualified for the role. It obviously worked.
3. Maybe, just maybe, that's because I'm used to being busier, and needed to work fast to get everything done in the time I had to do it.
AND! Maybe it's because I just don't give a fuck about the work I'm doing!?

Well, that was awkward

 At lunchtime today, I sat with a couple of my workmates, one of whom being our supervisor. She had spent time with her 3 year old nephew over the weekend, and one of my other colleagues had taken her nieces and nephews to the cinema.

They asked me if I had any nieces or nephews?

No, no I don't.

"What about kids, would you like them?"

It's the question we all look forward to, hey?? Usually, I'm quite open about my PCOS and how it affects me. But today, I just didn't want to get into it. I'm new in the job, and don't really feel comfortable talking about it with them yet.

So I shrugged and said "Yeah, we would, one day. Hopefully, if we're lucky".

"You're still young", she replied, "So there's nothing to worry about yet. I do think about it with Rob, because he's 37 - which I know isn't that old - but y'know... Until you start trying, you don't know if you're going to have problems, do you? But then, you just have to relax and hope for the best, I guess..."

The conversation continued about how it must be hard when fertility is an issue. Difficult for it not to be all-consuming. Difficult to think about when the right time is, or doing it because you have to. You know, that sort of thing?

Meanwhile, I switched off, mentally moved away from the conversation, and tried not to burst into tears.

Because they have NO FUCKING IDEA. And, btw, relaxing doesn't fucking help. And it's almost impossible not to be totally consumed by it. And I know that by Wednesday, my chances for this month are pretty much shot. And, worst of all, I've had our baby dancing down to a tee for the past 2 weeks, and Mr B is struggling to enjoy it because I'm so damn determined this cycle.

Maybe I should've just told them that I can't have children. That would've killed the conversation. If I'm honest, though, I couldn't have coped with the pathetic looks that come over people's faces when you tell them, or their patronising comments.

It was just one of those days....

THE Dress.

I love my wedding dress, as I'm sure every bride does. In fact, I love everything about my wedding outfit - the dress, the shoes, the headdress. Even my pants, which were a matching shade of pink (but that only my mum and Mr B saw! And, before you ask, my mum got me dressed, and helped me pee all day - that's how come she saw them!)

I was lucky enough to get to wear my outfit twice, because we had our wedding reception 2 weeks after we actually got married.

I loved every minute I was in that dress - from the first second it went over my head, I knew it was THE Dress. The fact that my mum started crying when she saw me in it was confirmation enough for me. I really did feel like a princess. It's probably the only time in my life when I've felt beautiful, too. It's not often  I look in the mirror and feel good about the reflection looking back at me. And it's certainly a rare occassion that I see pictures of myself and am happy with them.

Mr B and I have been married for about 18 months now, and I still haven't had my wedding dress cleaned. I wanted to wear it just one more time before I got it cleaned and packed it away, so it has hung, waiting to be worn, on the spare room door for 18 months. I look at it every day, touch it, and reminice a little bit.

In the run up to the wedding, I was totally obsessed with fitting in The Dress - I went to the gym, I went to aerobics, I stuck to my diet. I lost 12 inches in 13 weeks so that The Dress had to be taken in on my final fitting.
Trouble is, my dedication to fitting in The Dress sort of waned once I'd got married. If I'm honest, it didn't fit quite the same at the party as it did when I wore it to walk down the aisle, and that was only two weeks later.

So, by the time my birthday came 4 months after the wedding, The Dress wouldn't do up at all. I decided that I'd lose enough weight to be able to wear it again on our wedding anniversary, 8 months later. When our anniversary came round, I didn't even bother getting The Dress off the hanger to try it on, because I knew it would be pointless.

But, still The Dress hung on the door, waiting to be worn. Until today.
Today, Mr B and I packed The Dress away. It's carefully packaged up, and hidden in a wardrobe. I gave it a little squirt of Wedding Day Perfume (Gucci II, if you're interested), and tucked it in, with a little tear in my eye.

I still haven't had it cleaned, though, because I will wear The Dress again. I will find that dedication, that drive, and that motivation, and I will sort my diet out, get to the gym, lose the inches, and fit in the dress.

What more can a girl ask for!?

A cold beer, a good book, and some sunshine.

Strikes me as pretty much a perfect Saturday afternoon! Hope you've spent yours doing something you enjoy, too!

SITS Photo Challenge, Day two

The Challenge:
Edit your photos. Pick your best 3 photos, each showing a unique composition and/or perspective. If you want to apply any correction or creative editing via software or an online tool, go ahead.


Blog Your Photos. Use your photos in a blog post to enhance a story you’re telling. You can post the photos individually or in a collage.


Here's my go at editing a photo...

Original Image

Edited Image (I rounded the corners, sharpened it, and did something with colour (although can't remember what!!))

And then, finally, I made a collage of a few other pictures.

I'm gonna be honest, I'm not using the pictures to tell a story in my blog, but now I know how to do it, I definitely will be adding more photos to my posts!

PMA

I feel really positive about this cycle.

I've taken supplements. I'm eating good stuff. We're DTD A LOT.

At the same time, I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I know, deep down, that my chances are slim - I'm still carrying too much weight to stand any real chance, and I'm not entirely convinced that I'm ovulating, but feeling good about it can't hurt, can it!?

On a slightly different note, the chances of my photo challenge being done this evening is slim... I will catch up, though!

And so it's begun...

The SITS spring into action photo challenge started today, and you can view my attempts on my brand new Flickr account!

An Alternative Approach

Mr B and I are officially back on the TTC bandwagon. I'm desperately trying to lose weight, I'm supposed to be temping again (I just can't quite get into the habit of paying attention to that super early alarm clock just yet!) and we are trying to do the deed more often (easier said than done when we're both super tired!).

And, this month for the first time, I've taken some herbal supplements. But I should back track a bit first:

AF ARRIVED LAST MONDAY! It only took her 171 days, but she arrived. I'm not entirely convinced that it was a "proper" period, though - it was super light - although it was here for 4 days, so I'm going with it.

The last time AF came (way back in October) I bought some supplements to take with my next cycle - obviously not realising how long that would be! So when AF rocked up this week, I dusted them off and pinned all my hopes on them.

I'm taking soya isoflavones CD3-7, and EPO until I OV (hopefully next week, but who knows?!). Oh, and I've convinced Mr B that baby dancing every other day is a good idea, too (who knew that MEN needed to be convinced to have more sex?!).

My finger's are crossed and my hopes are high.

Spring has sprung!

Thanks to Juliana, I have signed up for the SITS Spring Photo Challenge.

It's not something I've ever done before, but I'm looking forward to learning more about me, my camera, and the photos I can take.

It might be a bit disjointed and out of synch, but stick with it, cos I will do them all!

3 months, 1 day

The first of January was the last time I smoked a cigarette. I wasn't a heavy smoker - maybe 2 a day - but I decided that, as I didn't have a job, I couldn't afford to keep smoking, so I just stopped. It wasn't overly difficult because I knew it was the right thing to do. But, now I'm working again, and I'm earning money, and I'm really, really craving cigarettes. I know, though, that as soon as I have one, I'll want another, and another, and then it's a slippery slope again...