When I was in France I had a bit of a realisation about my beliefs.
One of the exercises we did was to look at what our vision for ourselves is, and whether everything else in our lives are aligned with that vision.
My vision, obviously, was to be a mummy.
I had thought that everything else in my life was in line with that vision. There were / are things that I need to change - my weight being the main one - but other than that, I thought I was pretty much set.
That was until we talked about it in a bit more depth. I said that maybe, subconsciously, I was self- sabotaging my diet because I didn't feel ready to stop being me in order to start being a mum. It wasn't until that thought was queried, and I was asked why I HAD to stop being me in order to be a mum that I realised that I thought that because that's exactly what my mum did.
When my mum and dad divorced, I was six and my brother was about 18 months old. My my gave up everything in her world in order to be everything to the two of us. She was our mother, father, task master, disciplinarian, shoulder to cry on, confidante - our everything. She fed us, clothed us, helped us with our homework, cared for us when we were sick, cared for us when we were drunk, put up with our friends ALWAYS at the house. All the time putting us before her. She worked because she had to, not because she had a job or a career that she enjoyed. She didn't spend time with her friends, she didn't go out, she never left us with babysitters, because she wanted to be there for us. She wanted to make sure there was money for us to have a nice birthday, or a nice holiday, or a bit of pocket money now and again, rather than her spending it on a night out with friends. She didn't even have a boyfriend until 3 years ago - she always put us first.
So, this weekend when I was home with her, I told her that I appreciated what she'd done for us. That she'd put us first. That she'd been everything that we needed her to be - and more.
And she told me she wouldn't have had it any other way. My brother and I didn't choose not to have our dad living with us, so she did what she had to do, and she was proud of the both of us.
But I think she should be proud of herself. We wouldn't be the people we are if it weren't for her.
I love you, mummy. Thank you.