It's just not fair...

That's how it seems at the moment.

I know my last post was probably a bit, well, mean but it was how I felt at the time. I am in all honesty, thrilled that my friend is pregnant again. I'm glad that her lovely little boy will get to be big brother to a new sister or brother.

But I am so incredibly jealous, too. How come she gets to have two, and I don't even have one on the horizon.

I hate that I feel such jealousy, bitterness, mean-ness, and a little bit mad, too.

And, deep down, I know that it's me I'm mad at.

I'm mad because I know that, if I'd stuck to a diet, kept going to the gym and lost some fucking weight, there's a strong possibility that I could be pregnant too (there's a strong possibility that I wouldn't be, too, but hey, I'm not thinking about that right now...).

I'm mad that I stopped temping, so I no longer have any idea where my cycle is at.

I'm mad that I haven't had a period since October.

I'm mad that we had to take a break because of my job. And I'm mad that I used that break as an excuse to stop the diet / exercise / weight loss.

I'm mad that I'm constantly procrastinating about it all.

I'm mad because I'm starting to doubt if I'm ready. And whether my not being ready is the real reason behind my procrastinating. I'm mad because I know that that's bullshit, and I AM ready - I've wanted a baby more than anything for the longest time - but something in me is stopping me from losing the weight that I need to lose to make it happen.