"You're quite lucky there, then..."

When I went to visit my dad and his wife at the weekend, they asked about whether Mr B and I had any holiday plans for this year.

That seemed like the right time to explain that, at the moment, we're not making any holiday plans for this year because we're having fertility tests and we don't know what's going to be going on. (Side note - this isn't us "putting life on hold", this is us not wanting to commit to an expensive holiday later in the year if there's a possibility I might be up the duff and not want to travel. That said, it's not looking likely that that will be the case this year, so we're probably going away after all. That's a whole different story, though...)

My dad and his wife are aware that I have PCOS, but I'm not sure they really understand what it means. I've talked to them about it before, and my dad at least seems to understand that being a mum is something that I really want, and I'd love nothing more than to make him a Grandad.

My dad's wife, on the other hand, is pretty awful. We don't get on - not just in a wicked step mother way - she's genuinely not a very nice person and I wouldn't get on with her whatever. In fact, I wouldn't chose to spend time with her if it weren't for my dad.
She doesn't have any children of her own, and apparently doesn't have a maternal bone in her body. She is, quite frankly, weird and insensitive, and doesn't really "get it".

I explained that, while we knew about my PCOS and that being a problem, Mr B had to be tested, too, and until we knew what route we'd have to take (and ultimately how much it might cost) we didn't want to commit to an expensive holiday.

At which, she said "Is that what you think it is, then - this PCOS". I said "Well yeah, we know that's having an effect. I'm pretty sure I'm not ovulating, and only have 4 or 5 periods a year, so...".

Her reply? "Well, you're quite lucky there, then".

I looked at her and tried to get my head round what she'd said. Had she really been as stupid to suggest, after I'd just told her we were having fertility tests done, that I was quite lucky. Apparently yes.

I turned to her and said "What, you mean lucky that I don't have many periods? Yeah, I guess I am. Except it means my body isn't working properly and I can't have the baby that I want. So, not really that lucky after all. Idiot".

I expect insensitive comments from people, but sort of assumed that it would be "outsiders" making them.

I was wrong....

The Results...

We were at the doctors last night to get Mr B's SA results.

I had TheFear all week, and in fact it made me incredibly moody and miserable for the past week.

As it happens, though, the worry was for nothing. His lil' swimmers are all good (although their shape could be a bit better, apparently). They're super mobile, but swimming around without much of a purpose thanks to my horrendous ovaries.

I have to have a day 21 progesterone test done, so that's booked for Monday. We think this is day 21, but the doctor isn't too worried about chasing it - if it's not Monday, never mind, she'll refer us anyway.

I left the doctors with mixed feelings about the results.

I know that it's much better for us that Mr B's swimmer's are all good. I know that our options are much better because of his healthy spermies. I know that are chances are probably better, too.

But I also know that, if he so wanted, he could go and hook up with Little Miss Healthy Womb and have babies without all of the medical intervention. I know that if we don't get to have babies, it'll all be down to me.

That's pretty sucky.

We've obviously talked about it, and he's told me that he'd rather be childless with me than a Daddy with someone else. But I can't help wondering how much he really means that and how much he's saying that because he has to.

Will he wake up one day in years to come, when we're surrounded by cats instead of grandchildren, and resent me because I wasn't able to give him children?

Only time will tell, I guess...

Why Can't I Just Do it!

I know what I need to do.

I know how to do it.

I know why I'm doing it.

So why can't I just do it!

Let me put it another way:

I know that I need to lose weight by following a sensible diet and exercising and that by doing it I'll be helping my PCOS symptoms and improving our chances of having a baby. So, why can't I just do it!!

I gave up smoking relatively easily. I consider myself an ex smoker - I haven't craved a cigarette in such a long time that I don't even remember what it was like to be one of those people that had to nip out for a smoke on a night out - I really don't.

So why can't I apply that same will power to losing weight. The end goal of losing weight is a much bigger (and better) one than the end goal of stopping smoking (which, at the time was to save money).

Maybe that's what the problem is.

Still.

The Results Are In...

So, Mr B's SA results are back at the Doctors.

As yet, we don't know what they are. We have a joint appointment on the 20th March to find out the results and what are options are.

That means 10 days to live with TheFear. I don't know what will be worse - finding out that he has problems too (so we're doubly stuck) or finding out that he's fine and it's all down to me.

Happy Birthday to Me

My birthday has been something that I've been thinking about a lot this time, though.

I'm 28 this year. There are a lot of things that I thought I would have by the time I was 28. A lot of them, I have - a husband, a mortgage and a car!!

But, there are other things that I thought I'd have and I don't - an awesome job is one, but a baby (or two!) is the other obvious one.

I'm trying to focus on the things that I DO have, rather than the things that I DON'T have.

But, y'know, it's not always that easy....

In the meantime, Mr B and I are going to this hotel for the night - we've got the Winter Warmer package, so half a bottle of champers and a 5 course tasting meal will be enjoyed by us both.

Can't wait!