Inside, I'm crying

There is literally so much going on in my head that I want to get out that I just don't know where to start. And if I do, I don't know that I'd be able to stop. And I'm not sure that this is the right place, either. But I'm going for it. In brief, at least

ooOOoo

My brother is doing much better. We've talked (in so much as I said "How're you doing?" and he said "Fine, but I don't want to talk about it anymore"). I'm incredibly proud of him and the way he's getting his shit together. He's a nicer person to speak to and spend time with, and he's dealing with stuff really well.
It's weird how other people's opinions differ to your own though, isn't it? I was telling my friend about what's been going on with him lately, and mentioned that he couldn't afford to come and spend a weekend with Mr B and I and get away from home. She replied with "What, he can't afford to come and see you, but he can afford to go and get tattooed? Seems a bit shit". Actually, no. He gets a MASSIVE discount at the tattooist due to the amount of money he's spent there in the last few years, and the business he's put their way. AND I think getting tattooed, for my brother, is a way of making himself feel better. Whatever. I get it, and I don't care what any body else thinks. I love him, I'm proud of him, and I think he's awesome.

ooOOoo

We went back to the consultants last week. It was as vile as last time, except I spoke up for myself this time. I told her that I thought that she was rude and dismissive, and no matter what she thought, or whether I'd lost the weight or not, I was a human being with feelings and she had no right to speak to me like I was a piece of sh*t.
I was angry.
She was shocked.
I cried.
She apologised.
I win.

Ultimately, we're no further along, though. They still won't do anything to help until I've dropped at least three stone. The consultant suggested that I see my personal trainer more than once a week - she didn't want to pay for it, though, so that won't be happening.
I went to the drs afterwards, and they've given me a prescription for Orlistat to help with my weight loss mission. It's not the first time I've been offered it, but it's the first time I've said yes. I feel like a failure for saying yes, and haven't yet "got round" to getting the prescription filled. But, if I want a baby, I need to lose the weight. And if diet and exercise alone isn't helping, I need to bite the bullet and try everything that they're offering. Except a gastric band. Which is offered far too easily, in my opinion.
I was also prescribed a tablet to bring on a period, because I haven't had one since Feb. Although I have been spotting since. Great. Except it means I don't remember the last time we did the deed, which isn't helpful when you're trying for a baby!

ooOOoo

It was my brother in law's girlfriend's 30th birthday yesterday and he organised a surprise meal for her. Not long after they got there, they announced that he'd proposed yesterday afternoon. NOBODY was surprised. They've been together for 18 months, she moved in after 6, and actually we're surprised it took this long. 

What we were surprised about (and a little bit confused by, if I'm totally honest) is that they booked the wedding venue TWO WEEKS AGO. BEFORE HE HAD PROPOSED. So she knew he was going to propose, but not when. 

Oh, and the wedding's in June. This year. So that's 6 months time. 

It all screams shotgun to me. Nothing has been mentioned about a baby, but when he told us it was this June, it was my first assumption. And the fact that they haven't said she isn't is a bit odd, too. I nearly asked but knew that if she was I wouldn't be able to stay there, in a room full of strangers and pretend to be thrilled for them. So I didn't ask. But I want to know. 

My mother in law has said that it's "a question that needs to be asked", so I don't think it'll be long before she's asked them. 

I'm predicting an August baby. 

And a lot of heartache heading my way. 

ooOOoo

So that's me, and my tales of woe. 

For now.

Peace out. 

xx

Rough few weeks

I'm not going to apologise (again) for my lack of posts of late - it doesn't seem to make much difference, does it?!

I can't believe it's the 8th December already - where has 2013 disappeared to!?

The past few weeks have been tough - I still haven't really spoken to my dad, so I'm not sure what's going on with that; one of my oldest friend's marriage has broken up - just over a year since the wedding; and my little brother finally admitted last week that he's depressed.

This past week, in particular, has been an emotional one, and I've cried more tears than is healthy for anyone to cry.

I'm so sad for him, and can't help feeling like I've let him down. I thought we were close enough that he would speak to me about how he was feeling, and I'm hurt that he's been sad for so long (he's said since school, and he's 24 now) and didn't feel he could talk to me.

The sensible side of my brain knows that, when I was feeling like that, I didn't want to tell anyone, either. But the big sister side feels that I should've known that he wasn't happy and helped him.

I feel like I've failed him, which also isn't helped by his reluctance to speak to me this week. I'm consoling myself with the fact that he's talking to my mum, and she's talking to me, but it would be nice to speak directly to him and see how he's getting on.

I'm leaving the ball in his court, though - he needs to feel comfortable talking to me, and I've sent him a couple of messages re: giving me a call. When he's ready, he will.

I hope.

All I want for Christmas...

I started thinking about what I'd like for Christmas a few weeks ago... I know that my inlaws will want to know before long and if I don't give them some ideas, then I will end up with something really crap (a candle in the shape of a slice of cheesecake, anyone?!).

I always struggle with what to ask my dad and his wife to get me - they don't really know me all that well, and I just struggle. But, when I was thinking about it this year, I decided that actually, I didn't want a present, but I'd like a day with my dad and my brother. Just the three of us, going out, doing something.

I know 4 people who have lost brother's, sister's, mum's and dad's this year - they're not lucky enough to get to spend a day with them again, and I'm lucky enough to have all of my family and I should stop taking them for granted.

I spoke to my brother about it to see what he thought. "I'm up for it," he said, "but he won't do it. Not without her."

Her. Yeah. So that's my dad's wife. They've been married 4 years, together for maybe 15. The two of us have never got on. She's an evil, manipulative little dwarf, and I have no time for her. To be honest, she didn't endear herself to me when she called me a user and a bitch because I called my dad for a lift one night. I was 17. 

But the day out isn't about her, or Mr B, or them feeling left out. This is about me, my brother and my dad having a day out - to enjoy each other, to have fun and, actually, to get to know each other a bit. 

My mum and dad divorced when I was 6. My brother doesn't remember him ever being at home. We've always seen him and spent time with him at the weekends, but to be honest, he's never been one of those weekend dads that made an effort. Usually, a weekend consisted of me and my brother watching TV on a Saturday morning while he slept; a trip to town; shopping at Tesco; a really late night and "Sunday dinner" at KFC before taking us home. He never went above and beyond - never picked us up from school, or took us out in the week... He had us for 2 days a week, and that was it. 

As we got older, we spent less time with him. I got a Saturday job (like most teenagers) and the money and independence that gave me became more important. 

Still, no effort from him. I'd suggest that we could go for dinner together - he couldn't be bothered. To the snooker club? Nah, not this week. 

So, I can totally see why my brother didn't think he'd be up for it. 

I decided that my best course of attack was to her Her onside first. By appealing to her "better nature", I might be able to convince him.

So I spoke to her. Surprisingly, she thought it was a good idea, and could see where I was coming from. She told me that every Christmas she wondered if that was the last card that she'd get from her dad until 1 year, it was.

Just Dad to convince, then. 

I told him what I thought, asked what he thought and yeah, he thought it was a good idea. That was on Sunday two weeks ago.

On the Monday, he called me to say that he'd been thinking about it, and he didn't want to do it. He, as a husband, couldn't leave his wife at home for a day, and he didn't think it was right for me to do that to MY husband either. 

What the .... WHAT!?!

I pointed out that my husband wouldn't dare tell me that I couldn't spend a day with my brother and my dad, and if he did, I'd tell him where to go. I'm MARRIED, not a a siamese twin. I also pointed out that, when I'd spoken to Her, she'd totally understood where I was coming from and thought it was a good idea. That shut him up. He was using Her as an excuse, and didn't realise that I'd spoken to her, in advance. 

I told him to think about it - again - and let me know. But that I'd be really disappointed if he didn't do it because there are plenty of people that would like to spend a day with a parent that they don't have any more. 

I didn't hear anything for 2 weeks. I didn't think I was that bothered by it, until he eventually called me on Monday. I was expecting a blazing row that would signal the end of our father / daughter relationship - that's how passionately I felt about this day out. 

His next excuse was that he wasn't prepared to do it and have Her not have a Christmas present from us. Because - obviously - at 56, she can't possibly NOT have a Christmas present one year *eyeroll*. 

I pointed out that at NO POINT did I suggest that She and Mr B didn't get Christmas presents. Just that the three of us wouldn't - we'd use the money towards the day out. 

After a bit of huffing a puffing, he's agreed to it. 

For now. 

MAMMOTH post - so sorry! 

Christmas Time...

Yes, I know it's still a few months away, but it's something that Mr B and I have been talking about for a while...

Ever since we moved in together (8 years ago on Friday!!), I've wanted to have Christmas in a different country.
I'm not a huge fan of Christmas, and I'd just like to see what it's like to not be at home. To not have to deal with the politics of whose house we're going to for the day (or who is coming to us), and all the other crap that goes with it.

But Mr B was dead against it. Christmas, for him, is all about family and spending time with them. I get that, but also think it's much "easier" for him. His family consists of his (still married) mum and dad and his brother. So spending time with them basically means the 5 of us being in one room together.

For me, there's my mum, my brother, my dad and his wife (who I don't like) and my grandparents. Spending time with the family is like a military operation. Working out who will be driving, where we'll be, who has to cook and how long we'll spend with each is not conducive to a relaxing day.

But, I got where Mr B was coming from, and I'd come to terms with not having a Christmas abroad any time soon.

Then, something unusual happened. Last Christmas, I put my foot down and said I wanted to spend Christmas day at home, just me and him. His brother - who had a new girlfriend - wanted to stay at home just the two of them, too. So that left Mr B's mum and dad at home on Christmas day, on their own, for the first time in 50 years. FIFTY YEARS!!!! They've always had Christmas with either their parents when they were younger, or their children as they've got older, and it was the first time that their parents weren't around and their children were doing their own thing.

And do you know what? They actually quite enjoyed it. And something clicked in Mr B. He decided that if they could do it once, they could do it again and maybe we should go away for Christmas this year! I totally held him to it, and within the first 3 days of being back at work, we'd booked the time off.

I wasn't sure, when I changed my job, that I'd be able to get the time off as I was the new girl, so we kept our plan to ourselves for a bit. But, about three weeks ago, I got the time off confirmed, and plans are back on track.

So much so, that we've told our families. My dad's not bothered, and my mum's quite jealous, but Mr B's parents were more than a little bit annoyed. They didn't actually say anything, but it was very obvious from what they didn't say, that they weren't happy. They obviously haven't considered that, if we weren't away, we'd've been at work apart from Christmas and boxing day when we'd be at my family's anyway, so they're not seeing any less of us than if we were in the same country as them.

I thought Mr B would back out and want to stay here, but actually, he's still keen, which is good. I am more excited about Christmas than I've been for a really long time. For me, Christmas is just another reminder that another year has passed and I'm still not a mummy. At least this year, I can spend the day doing something different, that hopefully won't make that quite so painful.

You're probably wondering where we're planning to go?

VIVA LAS VEGAS, BABY!!!!

The Hardest Thing

I think the hardest part of our TTC journey and inability (so far!) to get pregnant for me is the feeling that I'm letting people down. 

I constantly feel that I'm letting Mr B down - he could be a daddy by now if it weren't for me. 

But I often feel that we're letting other people down, too - our parents, our brothers, our extended family - by not having a baby yet. 

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of my mum's posted this on Facebook:

I always thought that my friends posting their pregnancy and birth announcements on Facebook was difficult, but this completely broke my heart.

I want MY mum to have baby cuddles with a grandchild. I want MY mum to spoil my children. And I want to make MY mum proud.

But most of all, I want MY mum to be this excited.

I want MY mum to be a Nanny.

If it suits the wearer...

My Nanna was quite an opinionated lady, and she wasn't quiet about it, either.

If she didn't like something, she'd let you know.

My brother and I used to go with my dad and stay with her for a fortnight every summer holiday. One summer, I'd had my hair cut shorter.

"You've changed your hair", she said, "I don't like it. But, if it suits the wearer, bugger the starer".

My dad just grinned at me as I replayed it in my head, until I understood the sentiment behind it.

It was the first, but definitely not the last, time she said that to me and my brother.

If I wore something she didn't like: "If it suits the wearer..." she'd say, looking down her nose at me.

When my brother got his first tattoo. "What the bloody hell have you done that for?? Well, I suppose if it suits the wearer..."

It got to the stage that we knew when there was something she wouldn't like, and we'd quote her favourite phrase back to her before she had a chance. She'd give us a sly smile, knowing that there was no further argument to be had.

My Nanna died 3 years ago in May, but her phrase is something that my brother and I still use all the time. In fact, my brother is going to get it tattooed at some point. Which, in itself is ironic, because she HATED tattoos, and she definitely would've had an opinion about them!

It's something that I've found myself thinking a lot this week when people have looked at my new tattoo and internally judged me for it. When my dad screwed up his nose at my new tattoo, I just raised my eyebrows at him, and said "Whatever, Dad. If it suits the wearer..."

Thanks, Nanna, for the reminder that, no matter what other people think, if I'm happy, it doesn't really matter.

Have you tried...

I've always been really honest with people about my PCOS and how it affects me.

It hasn't really occurred to me that it wouldn't be the same when we started on the baby making path. Mr B would probably prefer that I didn't talk to our friends about it (although he knows I do), but so long as I don't talk abou tit to them in front of him, he's ok about it.

What has amazed me about it has been some of the comments that I've had about it from people that I thought would know better.

For example, my mum text me to say "[My colleague] who has PCOS said to try Agnus Castus and Evening Primrose...".
Thanks Mum. I've tried that.

Another friend text me to tell me that her friend (who has PCOS) is pregnant for the second time and she used the fertility friend app. Maybe I should give that a go.
Thanks buddy. I subscribed 2 years ago.

I think people forget that, although we're only just starting to get the doctors involved, we have been trying this for a while. Over 2 years in fact. I've taken the supplements. I've charted my temperatures and checked my cervical mucus. I've tried tipping myself upside down after we've done the deed. We've tried doing it every day. We've tried doing it every other day.

I know they're only trying to help, but it makes me want to scream!!

"You're quite lucky there, then..."

When I went to visit my dad and his wife at the weekend, they asked about whether Mr B and I had any holiday plans for this year.

That seemed like the right time to explain that, at the moment, we're not making any holiday plans for this year because we're having fertility tests and we don't know what's going to be going on. (Side note - this isn't us "putting life on hold", this is us not wanting to commit to an expensive holiday later in the year if there's a possibility I might be up the duff and not want to travel. That said, it's not looking likely that that will be the case this year, so we're probably going away after all. That's a whole different story, though...)

My dad and his wife are aware that I have PCOS, but I'm not sure they really understand what it means. I've talked to them about it before, and my dad at least seems to understand that being a mum is something that I really want, and I'd love nothing more than to make him a Grandad.

My dad's wife, on the other hand, is pretty awful. We don't get on - not just in a wicked step mother way - she's genuinely not a very nice person and I wouldn't get on with her whatever. In fact, I wouldn't chose to spend time with her if it weren't for my dad.
She doesn't have any children of her own, and apparently doesn't have a maternal bone in her body. She is, quite frankly, weird and insensitive, and doesn't really "get it".

I explained that, while we knew about my PCOS and that being a problem, Mr B had to be tested, too, and until we knew what route we'd have to take (and ultimately how much it might cost) we didn't want to commit to an expensive holiday.

At which, she said "Is that what you think it is, then - this PCOS". I said "Well yeah, we know that's having an effect. I'm pretty sure I'm not ovulating, and only have 4 or 5 periods a year, so...".

Her reply? "Well, you're quite lucky there, then".

I looked at her and tried to get my head round what she'd said. Had she really been as stupid to suggest, after I'd just told her we were having fertility tests done, that I was quite lucky. Apparently yes.

I turned to her and said "What, you mean lucky that I don't have many periods? Yeah, I guess I am. Except it means my body isn't working properly and I can't have the baby that I want. So, not really that lucky after all. Idiot".

I expect insensitive comments from people, but sort of assumed that it would be "outsiders" making them.

I was wrong....

Back in the groove?

I think I'm finally getting my mojo back...

I've had a few flashes of bloggy inspiration, but no time to put pen to paper (although that should be fingers to keys!).

It was my Pap's 80th birthday in the week, and we had a bit of a family gathering for him. Not everyone was there (there's some politics involved in that!), but this picture is me (far right), my grandparents and a few of my cousins. There are 13 of us in total, so we were a bit lacking.

I love that my Grandma doesn't seem aware that we're all pulling faces and my brother (next to me) is doing his best catalogue pose!

We drank, we ate, and we were very merrry - and we all agreed we don't do it often enough, which probably means we do!!!

The C Word

I went to see my mum for a couple of days, and stopped in to see my dad and his wife and see how she was getting on.

She's having the breast removed on the 21st July.

She's been asked to cut down on her cigarettes. She's a big smoker (50+ per day) and they want her down to 5 a day. Maximum.

Mr B and I were there an hour and as we left, she was lighting up her 5th cigarette. I'm pretty sure they weren't the first (or last) five that she smoked yesterday.

It totally pisses me off.

I won't be given any help with my fertility unless I've lost 6stone, because the chances of the drugs / IVF working aren't as high if I'm fat, but they won't refuse her treatment for her cancer because she doesn't stop smoking.

Maybe that's something the NHS should think about - not dishing out the treatment so easily to cancer patients who can't be bothered to stop smoking or drinking (don't even get me started on the box of wine a daya that she drinks...).

Anyway, rant over.

Shhh! It's a secret!

I finish work at 2.30 tomorrow, and had nothing planned for my afternoon off.

But yesterday I decided I'd get the train and go and surprise my mum! It'll mean more than 3 hours travelling, but it'll be worth it to see the look on her face when I get there!

She knows that Mr B and I are going up there for the day on Saturday anyway, but I thought it'd be nice to go up the night before on my own to spend some time with her.

I'm so excited!

But, I'm also not very good at keeping secrets and keep wondering if I'm going to let it slip when I speak to her this evening!!

Oh I do like to be beside the seaside...

My brother in law did the London to Brighton bike today, so we headed down there to cheer him on and spend some time by the seaside.

We stood by the side of the road for four hours, only to discover that we weren't going to see him before we needed to leave to get the train home.

He did a similar journey the other week and it took him 4hours 40 mins. Today, it took nearly NINE HOURS!! It took them nearly 2 hours to get out of London.....

Frustrating, huh!

The C Word

I mentioned the other week about my dad's wife having been diagnosed with cancer.

She had the operation on May 18th to remove the tumour, and went back last week for the biopsy results.

She hadn't prepared for the worst. She thought it would all be ok.

It hasn't quite worked out like that.

They didn't get all of the cancer. It's an aggressive form. She needs to have the breast removed.

She's back to hospital tomorrow.

So Excited

One of the ladies at work just found out she's going to become a granny.

She was so excited when she told us.

She was almost jumping up and down with excitement.

I was really pleased for her, and her daughter, but couldn't help feeling disappointed that I hadn't been able to give my mum that excited feeling.

Yet.

But I will.

And I can't wait to see her face when I get to tell her she's going to be a Nanny.

It's oh so quiet...

I've lost my voice.

Again.

It's really frustrating!

Mum and I have had a really quiet, but productive, day... We've made 35 pairs of earrings today, and we're hoping to sell them and make some pennies.

I'll post some pics when I get a chance, but they're pretty nice!

Older...

I mentioned earlier in the week that I don't get to see my family a lot.

This week, because I've been staying with my mum to help her out, I've seen a lot more of them.

And I've realised just how old my grandparents are. They're suddenly looking old and acting old, too.

I noticed that my Grandma's hands and jaw shake as she's having a drink. My Pap's neck is all saggy. Grandma's eyes are a bit droopy...

When I think about it, though, my Pap is 2 months away from his 80th birthday, and my Grandma will be 70 next birthday. Despite that, they're both incredibly active - my Pap walks the dog for an hour every day, spends time in his garden weeding, mowing or "harvesting" his crops and goes out to the football every week, while my Grandma is constantly on the go - organising some daytime activity or another for the "old people" in the village.

I hope I don't have anything to worry about, but I can't help it...

Pap and Grandma, November 2009



This Beautiful Life...

This week's Beautiful Life is brought to you by...

FAMILY

I don't get to see an awful lot of my family, due to the fact that I don't drive and we live about an hour's drive away, but that doesn't make them any less important to me.

In fact, I probably appreciate them more now that I don't see them as often than I did when I was living with them.

I certainly appreciate the amount my mum did for me when I was growing up and living at home more than I ever did.

And my relationship with my brother is a MUCH better one!

When I do get to spend time with them, I really enjoy it and make the most of it.

Chilling, catching up and chatting with my family is one of my favourite-est things to do.

Without them, I would be the person I am today.

Counting down...

I only have another 18 and a quarter working hours until I'm off for a week and get to spend some time with my mum.

Not that I'm counting...

When I'm 65...

When we were celebrating Mr B's mum's 65th birthday at the beginning of the month, I got to wondering about how she might've thought her life would be when she was 65.

Y'know, when she was younger, did she think that by the time she was 65 both her sons would be married?

I would imagine that she probably thought that, by the time she was 65 and her hubby was 68, they'd be grandparents. That there'd be a whole new generation of Burnhams around.

I think it's safe to say she would've expected there to be more than 5 of us sat round a table for her celebratory meal.

Then I got to thinking what Mr B thought his life would've been like by the time he was 40? Did he think he'd have a couple of children? Maybe a dog, or a hamster, running around? Did he think he'd be an uncle?

I always thought that Mr B would be a dad by the time he was 40. Or, at the very least, that I'd be pregnant. And, by default, his mum would've had a grandchild by the time she was 65.

And I can't help feeling, sometimes, like I've let them down.

I often wonder whether Mr B's parents think he could've done better for himself. Someone closer to his own age, and not so much younger. Someone with a better job and more ambition. Someone with a fully operational reproductive system.

But tough, Mr and Mrs B Snr - he got me! And we're married now, so you're stuck with me! Ha!

Phew!

Well, they're a couple of days I don't care to repeat any time soon!


Yesterday's interview seemed to go ok (incidentally, so did the calling in sick, thing!). The interviewer didn't really give much away, so I'm not sure what he thought, but I came away thinking I'd done as well as I could. Having said that, I'm not holding my breath because they had an internal applicant. Something tells me the job's more likely to go to them rather than any of the 4 external people they've interviewed.


Either way, I find out in a fortnight, when he's back from his jolly-days.

Then, we had the added stress of mum's operation. When I spoke to her last night, she was unsure whether the op was going to go ahead today as there was a bed shortage at the hospital. BUT she called me at 6.20 this morning to tell me that it was all systems go.

So, Mr B and I headed straight to Northampton to be with her. Unfortunately, we weren't able to sit with her on the ward (despite her asking only last week and being told it was ok...!), so we all had to stay in a family room (which was, basically, a storage room where they'd shoved a few chairs for us!). They told her she'd go down for surgery at around noon, but it wasn't until 2pm that they wheeled her away.

I had a few tears, but then we needed to leave - they told us she'd be in theatre for a good three hours and we needed to get home. But, I had a phone call from her at 5pm this evening - she was back on the ward and groggy, but otherwise fine.