Hospital Update

So, yet again, I've not updated for a while.

Sorry about that.

Since I last updated, we've had our appointment at the hospital. It actually ended up being sooner than anticipated because the consultant pulled it forward by a week - giving me 2 days notice.

So, TheFear that was bubbling under suddenly hit boiling point and I went into a bit of a tail spin.

My biggest fear was that I'd be told to go away and not come back until I'd lost half my body weight. I also worried that I'd get little or no support and be no better off than I was 6 months ago.

What actually happened is that we left the appointment feeling quite positive.

We went through all the usual stuff  - how often do you have periods, how long have you been trying, when were you diagnosed. I quite liked that she knew most of the answers - she'd actually read my notes, rather than just carrying around the folder as a prop...

My weight did come up, in the "it must go down" sense, and that was no surprise. When she told me that I needed to lose weight, I asked her to give me some sort of target. I told her that telling me to lose weight wasn't going to work for me - I could come back in a week and have lost a pound, but we all knew that that wasn't what she meant. I also pointed out that, in the past 7 years, I've tried Slimming World, Rosemary Connely, Low GI, high protein, metabolic rate diets - you name it, I've tried it, and I'm still not really any better off.

She told me that if I were a "normal" person, she'd say that I wasn't trying hard enough but, as I have PCOS, she knows that I probably am trying really hard, and not getting anywhere.

That in itself was reassuring. I think that's the first time that a doctor has actually acknowledged that "must try harder" is not an appropriate response when I say I'm trying to lose weight!

She told me that I needed to have "shown progress" in my weight loss by my next appointment in 4-6 months time. In the meantime, she would refer me to a dietician and I could get some support from them. She is also sending me for an ultra sound as I've not had one since diagnosis in 2002, and a HSG to check my tubes.

It felt positive.

They did my BMI. It's 46. She set me a target of a BMI of 40 or lower before my next appointment.

"Shall we make your next appointment for 6 months time?" she said

"Nope," I replied, "I want it in 4. You've given me the target that I wanted, now I just need to get on with it".

Our follow up appointment is October 23rd

I know I'm rubbish!

I know, I'm rubbish.

I haven't blogged for ages (er, hello, what is the new blogger layout all about, anyway!), but thought I'd update quickly now.

In all honesty, I haven't blogged because I rarely turn on the computer any more. Since getting my SmartPhone at Christmas, it's easier to do just about everything on that, rather than plugging in / turning on / updating etc the laptop! MUST TRY HARDER...

Since my last post, things have been pretty good. We've got our appointment through for the consultant on the 19th June. It means that I'm (yet again) full of TheFear, but I'm going into it with my eyes open and anticipating the worst. If he tries to send me away until I've lost more weight I will ask him how much he'd like me to lose, when will he be seeing me again, and what help can I get in losing the weight.

I know I could be stricter with my diet (who couldn't!) but, for the last 7 years I have been within a stone of my current weight. So, although not an ideal weight, it is at least steady.

This weekend I booked a holiday with my mum, too. I'm really excited (but nowhere near as excited as she is!) and I'm now thinking of my diet as a holiday diet, rather than a baby diet. I think that, subconsciously, the baby diet is a hell of a lot harder to do!

Other things have happened too, but I'm not convinced they're all that exciting.

I will try to be back soon, but no promises. If nothing else, I'll let you know how we get on at the hospital!

The Results...

We were at the doctors last night to get Mr B's SA results.

I had TheFear all week, and in fact it made me incredibly moody and miserable for the past week.

As it happens, though, the worry was for nothing. His lil' swimmers are all good (although their shape could be a bit better, apparently). They're super mobile, but swimming around without much of a purpose thanks to my horrendous ovaries.

I have to have a day 21 progesterone test done, so that's booked for Monday. We think this is day 21, but the doctor isn't too worried about chasing it - if it's not Monday, never mind, she'll refer us anyway.

I left the doctors with mixed feelings about the results.

I know that it's much better for us that Mr B's swimmer's are all good. I know that our options are much better because of his healthy spermies. I know that are chances are probably better, too.

But I also know that, if he so wanted, he could go and hook up with Little Miss Healthy Womb and have babies without all of the medical intervention. I know that if we don't get to have babies, it'll all be down to me.

That's pretty sucky.

We've obviously talked about it, and he's told me that he'd rather be childless with me than a Daddy with someone else. But I can't help wondering how much he really means that and how much he's saying that because he has to.

Will he wake up one day in years to come, when we're surrounded by cats instead of grandchildren, and resent me because I wasn't able to give him children?

Only time will tell, I guess...

The Results Are In...

So, Mr B's SA results are back at the Doctors.

As yet, we don't know what they are. We have a joint appointment on the 20th March to find out the results and what are options are.

That means 10 days to live with TheFear. I don't know what will be worse - finding out that he has problems too (so we're doubly stuck) or finding out that he's fine and it's all down to me.

What a Week!

It's fair to say that this week has been a bit of a mixed bag for us!

First, we had the decision about Mr B's job. I hadn't realised quite how stressed I was about it until he rang me to let me know that HE'S A KEEPER! To say I was relieved is an understatement! Although, as the day went on, I did find myself getting a little bit disappointed about it.
Mr B has worked for the same company for 23 years. He's comfortable there. He knows what he's doing and what's expected of him. He has no real desire to leave. However, it's over an hour's commute each way, every day. There are no real prospects for him - he's gone as far as he's going to go. And I just think he could do better. I think I'd secretly hoped that he'd be made redundant so that his hand was forced, and he had to move jobs.
Probably not the right attitude for me to have, though!

On Wednesday, AF arrived. She is fierce and angry this time. But, considering she's not visited since October, I suppose I should've been pleased to see her. Whilst also being bitterly disappointed, obviously!

Also on Wednesday, Mr B's SA appointment arrived. He has to make his deposit on the 29th February. The doctor that we saw in November said the results would take 3 weeks to come back, although I'm not sure I trust anything that she says anymore!
I am really pleased that the appointment has come through, although I do have a severe case of TheFear. I think it's a mixture of TheFear that he'll have a problem, along with TheFear that he won't. I've also got TheFear because my diet hasn't been going so great. (Actually, that's a lie - this week hasn't gone so great, but it doesn't really count because of AF. Right?).
I had hoped to see the inside of the gym this weekend, but that hasn't happened either!!

I had to put the car hunt on hold until we knew what was going on with Mr B's job, but my brother found a pretty good deal for me up in my hometown of Northampton - his mate's sister is selling a W reg Fiesta, which has FSH and all MOT certificates. It's 12 years old, but has only done 59000 miles!!! He did a test drive on it in the week and said I'd be stupid not to go for it. So, Mr B and I planned to go up there this weekend to see the car (and probably buy it), but then this happened:

Damn snow, ruining my plans.