A mini mental meltdown

I lost it yesterday.

Totally and utterly lost it.

I went in to mental meltdown.

I was supposed to be going out for a girl from work's birthday... My hair was done, my make up was done, and I was quite excited about it. And then I tried to find something to wear. I had NOTHING. Litterally, nothing fits me. And if it fits, it's something I would wear to the office. How could I go on a night out wearing clothes that I'd wear for work.

I ended up crying a bit. Then a bit more. And a bit more after that, too..

I ended up sitting in the corner of the spare room, sobbing. For over 2 hours. Mr B had no idea what to do with me - I had no idea what to do with myself! It was a nightmare.

By the time I was done I was physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted, and not going anywhere. It was horrid. And on a par with the meltdown I had back in October that ended up with me at the doctors getting a presciption for anti depressants.

I think, no, I know, a lot of it is to do with work. It is completely taking over my life. I am out of the house for nearly 12 hours a day, and working for 10 of those. I'm exhausted, all the time, and have no time or energy for anything.
Because of that, I don't have time / energy for the gym - my evenings are taken up with cooking and relaxing before I go to bed, and the weekends are then full of the mudane house hold things that have to be done, as well as trying to spend some quality time with Mr B. I'm not eating properly - i know I'm eating crap because it's quick and convenient and I can't be bothered to cook a proper meal, but that, teamed with the lack of gym-ing, because I'm always working, is making me put on weight.
Then I get down about my weight, which makes me want to comfort eat, and I'm not going to the gym, so... And so the circle continues!

I know that I'll feel much better if I just leave my job, but it really isn't that simple. Is it???

x

I agree with Forrest...

Life IS like a box of chocolates. Some days it's a caramel cup (they're the BEST days!) others it a strawberry creme (seriously, who likes those? Why even put them in the box?).
Anyway, today I feel like it's a bit of a solid milk chocolate day - lazy. Like the dude in the chocolate factory couldn't be bothered to throw in a hazelnut or something, so it's just a solid lump of chocolate. It's not a bad day, but it's not a day to get excited about, either.

I'm still having trouble with being tired. I don't know whether it's linked to AF's visit, or whether it's something else. I haven't taken my anti depressants since before Easter when I was sick, and I'm wondering now if I've been a bit stupid... I was taking 10mg every other day because I was in the process of coming off of them, but when I was being sick for the week, didn't bother to take them. Then, when I stopped being sick, I didn't bother to start again, because I didn't really see the point...

I'm feeling really fed up, too, but again, don't know if that's linked with AF, or linked to the lack of anti depressants. I guess I'll just have to sit it out for a week or so and see how I feel when AF goes. If I don't feel any better, maybe I'll start the ADs again..?

In other news... My weight is a fricking nightmare. I put on some trousers this morning and they were really, really tight. I'm hoping it's a bit of AF / white bread bloat, but I don't know how long I can kid myself over that one.
On the plus side, now the nicer weather's here, I am all about the salads. I had THE most delicious salad I think I had ever made yesterday for my lunch, and I've tried to recreate it again today. And I'll try again tomorrow, and Friday too, probably.
There's something about a good salad that just makes me feel thinner! I don't know what it is - it just motivates me to do better with what I'm eating. It's either that, or the absolute fear that has crept up on me knowing I have only 12 working days until my holiday!!!
xx

Down in the dumps

So, I've been feeling really down in the dumps for the past couple of days.

I'm worried that it's because I've stopped my anti depressants... I was coming off them anyway, but just didn't take them last week when I was being sick (I didn't really see the point, in all honesty - nothing was staying in me long enough to be absorbed! Sorry, TMI), and haven't started again. I think that's probably having an effect, so I probably need to re introduce them again. Grr!!!

I've also been feeling really dizzy again (less today, actually) so it could be that AF is on her way, which probably isn't helping with my mood much, either. That would be exciting!

On the plus side, my mum's coming to stay this weekend. I'm really looking forward to seeing her, spending some time with her, and going shopping on Saturday! Whoop whoop! And then my dad and his wife are coming the following weekend for Sunday dinner. That will be nice, providing they don't annoy me! And it fits in nicely with my family goal.
x

TGI Friday!

I'm so glad it's Friday! Mr B and I have another busy weekend coming up - we're entertaining friends tomorrow evening, which I'm quite looking forward to. One of my friends bought me a Dinner Party Diary for my birthday, and I'm very much looking forward to using that. It allows you to write down who came over, why, what you ate for each course, what wine you drank, and any other pertinent points, so that when they come next time, you don't repeat the same menu. It will prove invaluable to me, as I seem to roll out the same easy (but delicious!) menu every time someone comes round, and I don't want people thinking I can only cook one meal...

The visit to the Docs went really well yesterday. She's dropped my antidepressants to 10mg every other day, which is great. I reckon I'll be off them by the time I go on honeymoon. Woohoo! She also didn't weigh me yesterday (total result, as I was dreading that!) because she said I looked like I'd lost weight and toned up, so there was no point in weighing me. I had mentioned that I'd weighed at home and hadn't seen much change, so I think I got away with that a bit!

I felt absolutely drained when I got home, and had to have a little snooze. I often find that I'm so tired, my energy just isn't enough to do anything, but a 20 minute / half an hour power nap really does give me a whole new lease of life! I think it's one of the perks of PCOS... Anyway, whilst I was laid in bed, I got to thinking about how very lucky I am to have Mr B. He's so supportive and loving, and puts up with me and all my crap.
I don't drive, so rely on him for the majority of my transportation (although I'm also v independent, so will do public transport where I can. But, he tends to take time out to take me places - like the doctors last night, where he waited for me for nearly an hour.).
He lets me snooze when I need to.
He understands if I want to have a good cry,for no particular reason.
He does the washing, and hoovers, because he knows I hate both those things.
He loves me, for who I am, despite all the bad bits.

I know it's what a marriage should be like, but sometimes it just hits me that I'm very lucky to have found it, and at a young age, too. Although we only got married 4 months ago, we've been together for 9 years this year, and I've been very happy for all of them.

I love you, Mr B.
xx

I'm back from the doctors (oh, and can you tell I'm "working" from home! Ha!)

It didn't go nearly as badly as I'd anticipated. My weight has stayed the same, which obviously isn't as good as losing, but isn't as bad as gaining, either! She wants me to stay as I am on all my tablets, because I mentioned that I'm struggling to find motivation and feel "a bit pants" at the moment. She (rightly) said that it would be silly to lessen my antidepressants if I'm feeling like that, so to continue as I am. Not great, but also not as bad as upping them again.

Now that's out of the way, I can look forward to my weekend! I'm seeing my mum tomorrow, for the first time since Christmas, and can't wait. It's going to be really fun, too as we've got a photo session together. Not something that either of us would usually go for, but we won a competition. Basically, we got collared by one of those people on the streets that want to ask you questions, and I was in too good a mood to say "go away" (I'd just been for my first wedding dress fitting!) so we did it. Didn't think anything of it until we received a phone call on the eve of my wedding to say we'd won!
So, that's tomorrow - we get our hair and make up done, and have lots of piccies taken. It will probably cost us a fortune to buy them (or they'll make us look like a pair of hookers!) but we'll see what happens! Depending on how they turn out, I may even put a couple on here!

Mum will then stay with us tomorrow night, before we take her back home on Sunday, and see my brother. I can't wait. Weirdly, it's my brother I miss the most. We used to fight like cat and dog when I lived at home, but now I don't live with him, we get on much better. And I miss him more than my mum because I rarely speak to him, but speak with my mum at least twice a week. My brother was 16 when I left home, and will turn 21 in June. Every time I see him I'm struck by how much more of a man he is. He's not a little boy anymore, and I'm very proud of him.

Anyway, I should pretend to do a bit more work for another half hour or so, and then I'm heading off to enjoy and evening of R&R - I'm home alone tonight as Mr B is on a work night out. Luckily, he's driving, so I don't need to worry about what sort of state he'll be in when he gets back!

I'll post on Sunday, probably, but don't hold it against me if I don't get round to it till Monday!

x