Inside, I'm crying

There is literally so much going on in my head that I want to get out that I just don't know where to start. And if I do, I don't know that I'd be able to stop. And I'm not sure that this is the right place, either. But I'm going for it. In brief, at least

ooOOoo

My brother is doing much better. We've talked (in so much as I said "How're you doing?" and he said "Fine, but I don't want to talk about it anymore"). I'm incredibly proud of him and the way he's getting his shit together. He's a nicer person to speak to and spend time with, and he's dealing with stuff really well.
It's weird how other people's opinions differ to your own though, isn't it? I was telling my friend about what's been going on with him lately, and mentioned that he couldn't afford to come and spend a weekend with Mr B and I and get away from home. She replied with "What, he can't afford to come and see you, but he can afford to go and get tattooed? Seems a bit shit". Actually, no. He gets a MASSIVE discount at the tattooist due to the amount of money he's spent there in the last few years, and the business he's put their way. AND I think getting tattooed, for my brother, is a way of making himself feel better. Whatever. I get it, and I don't care what any body else thinks. I love him, I'm proud of him, and I think he's awesome.

ooOOoo

We went back to the consultants last week. It was as vile as last time, except I spoke up for myself this time. I told her that I thought that she was rude and dismissive, and no matter what she thought, or whether I'd lost the weight or not, I was a human being with feelings and she had no right to speak to me like I was a piece of sh*t.
I was angry.
She was shocked.
I cried.
She apologised.
I win.

Ultimately, we're no further along, though. They still won't do anything to help until I've dropped at least three stone. The consultant suggested that I see my personal trainer more than once a week - she didn't want to pay for it, though, so that won't be happening.
I went to the drs afterwards, and they've given me a prescription for Orlistat to help with my weight loss mission. It's not the first time I've been offered it, but it's the first time I've said yes. I feel like a failure for saying yes, and haven't yet "got round" to getting the prescription filled. But, if I want a baby, I need to lose the weight. And if diet and exercise alone isn't helping, I need to bite the bullet and try everything that they're offering. Except a gastric band. Which is offered far too easily, in my opinion.
I was also prescribed a tablet to bring on a period, because I haven't had one since Feb. Although I have been spotting since. Great. Except it means I don't remember the last time we did the deed, which isn't helpful when you're trying for a baby!

ooOOoo

It was my brother in law's girlfriend's 30th birthday yesterday and he organised a surprise meal for her. Not long after they got there, they announced that he'd proposed yesterday afternoon. NOBODY was surprised. They've been together for 18 months, she moved in after 6, and actually we're surprised it took this long. 

What we were surprised about (and a little bit confused by, if I'm totally honest) is that they booked the wedding venue TWO WEEKS AGO. BEFORE HE HAD PROPOSED. So she knew he was going to propose, but not when. 

Oh, and the wedding's in June. This year. So that's 6 months time. 

It all screams shotgun to me. Nothing has been mentioned about a baby, but when he told us it was this June, it was my first assumption. And the fact that they haven't said she isn't is a bit odd, too. I nearly asked but knew that if she was I wouldn't be able to stay there, in a room full of strangers and pretend to be thrilled for them. So I didn't ask. But I want to know. 

My mother in law has said that it's "a question that needs to be asked", so I don't think it'll be long before she's asked them. 

I'm predicting an August baby. 

And a lot of heartache heading my way. 

ooOOoo

So that's me, and my tales of woe. 

For now.

Peace out. 

xx

Christmas Time...

Yes, I know it's still a few months away, but it's something that Mr B and I have been talking about for a while...

Ever since we moved in together (8 years ago on Friday!!), I've wanted to have Christmas in a different country.
I'm not a huge fan of Christmas, and I'd just like to see what it's like to not be at home. To not have to deal with the politics of whose house we're going to for the day (or who is coming to us), and all the other crap that goes with it.

But Mr B was dead against it. Christmas, for him, is all about family and spending time with them. I get that, but also think it's much "easier" for him. His family consists of his (still married) mum and dad and his brother. So spending time with them basically means the 5 of us being in one room together.

For me, there's my mum, my brother, my dad and his wife (who I don't like) and my grandparents. Spending time with the family is like a military operation. Working out who will be driving, where we'll be, who has to cook and how long we'll spend with each is not conducive to a relaxing day.

But, I got where Mr B was coming from, and I'd come to terms with not having a Christmas abroad any time soon.

Then, something unusual happened. Last Christmas, I put my foot down and said I wanted to spend Christmas day at home, just me and him. His brother - who had a new girlfriend - wanted to stay at home just the two of them, too. So that left Mr B's mum and dad at home on Christmas day, on their own, for the first time in 50 years. FIFTY YEARS!!!! They've always had Christmas with either their parents when they were younger, or their children as they've got older, and it was the first time that their parents weren't around and their children were doing their own thing.

And do you know what? They actually quite enjoyed it. And something clicked in Mr B. He decided that if they could do it once, they could do it again and maybe we should go away for Christmas this year! I totally held him to it, and within the first 3 days of being back at work, we'd booked the time off.

I wasn't sure, when I changed my job, that I'd be able to get the time off as I was the new girl, so we kept our plan to ourselves for a bit. But, about three weeks ago, I got the time off confirmed, and plans are back on track.

So much so, that we've told our families. My dad's not bothered, and my mum's quite jealous, but Mr B's parents were more than a little bit annoyed. They didn't actually say anything, but it was very obvious from what they didn't say, that they weren't happy. They obviously haven't considered that, if we weren't away, we'd've been at work apart from Christmas and boxing day when we'd be at my family's anyway, so they're not seeing any less of us than if we were in the same country as them.

I thought Mr B would back out and want to stay here, but actually, he's still keen, which is good. I am more excited about Christmas than I've been for a really long time. For me, Christmas is just another reminder that another year has passed and I'm still not a mummy. At least this year, I can spend the day doing something different, that hopefully won't make that quite so painful.

You're probably wondering where we're planning to go?

VIVA LAS VEGAS, BABY!!!!

The Hardest Thing

I think the hardest part of our TTC journey and inability (so far!) to get pregnant for me is the feeling that I'm letting people down. 

I constantly feel that I'm letting Mr B down - he could be a daddy by now if it weren't for me. 

But I often feel that we're letting other people down, too - our parents, our brothers, our extended family - by not having a baby yet. 

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of my mum's posted this on Facebook:

I always thought that my friends posting their pregnancy and birth announcements on Facebook was difficult, but this completely broke my heart.

I want MY mum to have baby cuddles with a grandchild. I want MY mum to spoil my children. And I want to make MY mum proud.

But most of all, I want MY mum to be this excited.

I want MY mum to be a Nanny.

10 for 2013

Last year, I wrote a list of things that I wanted to achieve through the year. A bit like New Years resolutions, but not things I had to do RIGHT THEN and do forever.

My 10 in 2012 was a success in some ways (I passed my driving test and bought a car), but not so much in others (I'm still in the same job, and there's no Baby B), but overall it was something that I found useful.

So, I decided to right a new list for 2013.

Here it is:

1. Be Positive This is a carry over from last year. Sometimes, it's super easy to think of the bad stuff - the things I don't have or haven't achieved. But, spending just a couple of minutes every day thinking of the GOOD things really helps.

2. Get my BMI Below 40 This one is probably the toughest - not only as a physical challenge, but because it's the one I don't really agree with the most. I couldn't give a flying monkey crap about my BMI, but I want a baby. To have a baby, I need to get my PCOS under control. To get my PCOS under control, I need to lose weight. And quite frankly, I can't cope with another appointment with the consultant like we had back in January...

3. Take More Photos I love photos. But, I was really disappointed with the amount of photos I took last year so I want to take more this year. I think my main downfall is my smart phone, though - I take a whole load of photos on there that I do nothing with... D'oh!

4. Swear less (particularly at work!) I swear like a sailor. My language is FOUL and I've become more conscious of it - especially since I'm more unhappy at work. So, I want to cut down. And, I've started a charity swear jar to help. An F-bomb costs me 20p, and all others are 10p. I started mid January and have nearly £12 already! Having said that, I had 3 days this week without putting any in, and my language at home is much better, too!

5. Make more of an effort with my appearance. I have a massive amount of makeup and jewellery, but rarely use / wear it, so I want to start. Oh, and get my legs out more, too.

6. Be more crafty. I love crafting, but haven't done much really. It's a real release for me - I fully concentrate on it and relax.

7. Drive more! Although I passed my driving test, I don't really drive very often. I'm paid a bonus every month for not driving to work, and that more than pays for my bus fare, so I don't drive to work. I also don't drive places I don't know, because I panic about parking.... I need to (wo)man up, and just start doing it!

8. Cook new recipes / more regularly Cooking is another thing I love, but don't do enough of. I think like most people, I have my staple recipes and tend to stick to them, but I want to be more adventurous!

9. Bake a cake I am 28 years old and I have never baked a cake without the help of my mum or a teacher. I will rectify that this year!

10. Change job Another roll over from last year, but I'm determined. I am better than the job I'm currently doing. And I will prove it!

I also managed to get Mr B to agree to doing a joint 10 for 2013 which I'll share soon!

Wish me luck!

New Start

The start of the year hasn't really been all that great - I ended up with Norovirus on New Year's Day and it wiped me out for the best part of 6 days. Then, on Tuesday, we had our second appointment with the gyne clinic to see how things are progressing.

Now, I'm not going to lie - the weight hasn't come off anywhere near like it should have. But, the dietician had been very positive about my progress and suggested that I make them aware that, although my weight hasn't changed all that much, I have lost inches, particularly from around my waist. From her perspective, that was better for me than losing weight, anyway.

We saw a different consultant this time to the one we saw at our first appointment, and I knew it wasn't going to go well when he said that I have "PCOS because of my size, obviously".
That, in itself isn't true.

He asked how the weight loss had gone and I admitted that since my last appointment I'd only lost 4 / 5lbs, but that I had lost 18.5cms.
"Sorry, you've lost me", he said, "What do you mean you've lost 18.5cms?"
"Well, I've measured myself - waist, hips, everywhere - and I've lost 18.5cms", I replied.
"That doesn't make sense. How can you lose CMs if you've not lost weight?", he said, looking at me as if I were stupid.
I looked at Mr B, and said "Well, it's muscle definition, isn't it? I'm changing the shape of muscle".
He continued to look at me as if I was stupid and said "Well that just doesn't make any sense. I don't understand that, so I don't believe it can be true".

What. The. Actual. F*ck.

Both my personal trainer AND the dietician have been really pleased with the lower measurements, and I've been on enough diets to know that they encourage you to measure yourself because even when you're not losing weight you can be losing the inches.

He then went on to lecture me, in an incredibly patronising way, about how to lose weight and how it would help not only with trying for a baby, but with my whole life. "Just think", he said, "about the impact it'll have".
Obviously making the assumption that because I'm fat, I'm unhappy.

In the end, (I think because he could see I was about to snap), Mr B asked what the aim was.

"Obviously", he said, "the ideal BMI is 25, but that's a long way off, so I think that perhaps trying to get it down as much as possible is the way to go."

"When we were here last time, I was told to aim for 40. Is that realistic?" I said.

"Well, y'know, we'd have to see. It's hard to say, really", he said,  in a really noncommittal way.

"Right well I want to know - if I come back here with a BMI of 40, will you be telling me to go away again
 until it's 35?", I pushed.

"In all honesty, I'd have to see you. Like I said, 25 is ideal, but if you were at that, we wouldn't be having this conversation because you wouldn't have the PCOS. Y'know, all of the symptoms of PCOS are reversible through weight loss", he said, glancing at my beard.

If it hadn't been for the fact that I was almost in tears because of the way he'd spoken to me, I would have corrected him. And given him a little extra piece of my mind. As it was, I was close to crying and / or punching him in the face, so I got my next appointment and walked out.

I got as far as the waiting room before the tears started. It was a relief, though, when Mr B exclaimed that "He was a cock", because I was worried that I was being overly sensitive.

He was a nasty, horrible man who took one look at me and decided it was my fault because I was fat. It wouldn't surprise me if he didn't actually think PCOS were a real condition - he obviously knows nothing about it and is far too arrogant to learn.

I spent most of the rest of the day in tears, and was still pretty delicate on Wednesday. But now I'm angry and determined to lose the weight.

I'm also going to look into the NHS Choices scheme, to see if I can refuse to see him again, or find a consultant that specialises in PCOS.

But, for now, the plan is to get back on it and prove him wrong.

Arsehole.

Testing Testing!

Yesterday I had the first of my two appointments as requested by the gyne consultant - a transabdominal and transvaginal ultra sound.

Basically, I was violated by a sonographer with a giant wand and half a tube of KY Jelly!!

But, the good news is that my ovaries and uterus are cyst and fibroid free.

Bad news was that there was no sneaky baby hiding in there.

I feel weirdly uncomfortable today - almost like I'm bruised inside?

Got the HSG on Monday. Finger's crossed!

Personal Trainer - Tuesday 17th July

After my week of realisation, panic and feeling the pressure about the task ahead of me, I looked into a few more drastic measures to help me along my weightloss way.
I spent a bit of time researching LighterLife and the Cambridge Diet.

I knew they weren't sensible diets or a long term thing, but I thought that maybe for a quick fix and to ease the pressure I'd be able to do it.

After looking at them in a bit more detail I realised that no, I wouldn't be able to do it. And, more importantly, I didn't want to.

Getting all my energy and nutrients without actually chewing food just doesn't sit right with me. I wouldn't have teeth if it was ok not to chew...

So, I started toying with the idea of getting a personal trainer. I figured that an hour a week would not only be better for me than one of those diets, but it'd be cheaper too. And what harm would it do?!

I asked one of the girls at work whether she knew anyone (she's a fitness instructor, too) and she told me about her recently qualified friend, Louise.

Not only is she recently qualified, she's recently lost nearly SEVEN STONE!

One of the BEFORE and AFTER photos from her Facebook page

We chatted on the Friday night, and I liked her over the phone, but she rightly pointed out that we should meet in person to check we were both happy working together.

She came round on Tuesday for a consultation, which was basically talking about what I wanted to achieve, why and when by. We talked about my diet (I'm eating too much FRUIT!! Who'da thunk it!), and my current exercise regime.

She actually made me feel like it's possible for me to hit my 3 stone target in time for the hospital appointment in October.

I like that she not only knows what she's talking about, she's been there, too. She's not just some skinny minny who likes to exercise - she's worked bloody hard to get where she is and looks great for it.

Our first session is tonight. I can't wait!

Doctors - 13.07.12

After I chased the doctors about my referrals, I had a phone call from the receptionist.

"The doctor would like to see you about the letter she's received from the gyneacologist - can you make an appointment to come in?".

Part of me knew it was going to be a pointless appointment. I thought that she'd want to confirm that she'd sent the referral off to the dietician and see how I was feeling generally about going to the hospital.

I was partly right - it was pointless.

I was wrong to assume that she would've done ANYTHING about the referral.

It started off badly when, as I sat down, she said "So, what can I do for you today?".

I told her that I was there because I'd been told she wanted to see me about the letter she'd received.

So, she dutifully looked at the letter, muttered something about "dietician" and asked me where I wanted to go from here.

"Erm, well... the consultant said I'd be referred to a dietician...?"

"Yes," she said, "we could do that. Or you could have a 12 week referral to either Weight Watchers or Rosemary Conley. We could also look at Orlistat. And if none of that works, maybe we need to consider surgery".

To say I was confused by the direction the appointment was taking would be an understatement.
She proceeded to tell me that if I chose to see the dietician I would probably only see her once or twice.

I told her that I'd tried both Weight Watchers and Rosemary Conley before and had limited success, so maybe it would be worth me giving the dietician a try.

She asked me how losing weight was going, and when I told her it was something I've been trying to do for well, ever, she made a noise that suggested she didn't believe me.

I told her that I'd got an appointment with a personal trainer booked, and she looked at me as if she didn't believe me.

She then said "I think maybe you're complacent about dieting, and that's why you're not losing weight. I think you need to put some serious thought into weight loss surgery".

I asked if there was anything else she wanted to talk to me about, and she said no. I promptly left.

I was pretty fricking angry. So angry that I ended up crying.

WHY was weightloss surgery being offered so easily?

WHY was that my only option?

Surely it would be better - and cheaper - all round to offer me more support and guidance than an operation?

I'm now more determined than ever to do this myself - without medication OR surgery - so that I can stick two fingers up to the NHS and their "help".

So much going on!

I've got several posts that have been floating round my head for the past week, but I haven't had time to write them!

And, if I'm honest, I've been too emotionally close to them, too.

Now, with a week of distance, I'm going to write them. I'm obviously not posting them on the write days, but I am going to post them chronologically, so you'll have an idea of the timing and the rubbish-ness of what went on!!

On a brighter note, I weighed in this morning and I've lost 3 lbs!

Super pleased with that!!

Under Pressure

It's fair to say that I've felt the pressure this week. I think the realisation of what we're facing has finally caught up with me this week and I've just had a meltdown (I'm also really hoping that there's a premenstrual element to it, too - more that 90 days since AF's last visit. )

Anyway, on Tuesday I had a good old weep at Mr B, worried that I wasn't going to be able to lose the weight I need to lose.

On Wednesday, the same thing happened.

"You need to stop putting so much pressure on yourself," Mr B said. 

It's easier said than done though, isn't it, really?

It's ME that doesn't work properly.

It's ME that has to lose the weight.

It's ME the doctors are judging.

It's MY fault we don't have a baby yet.

It's ME that's chasing the referrals, appointments, letters and what not.

Add to that the hell that is currently my work, and it's all just got a bit much this week.

I spoke to my mum yesterday and she suggested that I give something like pilates a go. Something to relax me, take my mind off things.

Because, as she pointed out, we're only at the beginning of it all.

Mini Targets

3 stone. 4 months.

It feels like a pretty mammoth task.

It is a pretty mammoth task.

But, I'm going for it.

I've split it down into stone size chunks, and I know when I need to have done them by. I want to have lost my first stone by July 29th. That's 6 weeks from when I started.

Mr B has been awesome. We went for lunch after our appointment and had a lovely meal, then had a "naughty" supper in the evening. He's taken all sweets / chocolates / biscuits out of the house and is keeping them in the drawer at work, and he's been more supportive than ever.

We're going to the gym together. I'm going to the gym on my own.

Two weeks in, I've lost 6lbs.

I WILL DO THIS!!

And So It Begins

So, we left the appointment with a small (yet significant) spring in our step.

We got our next appointment for 4 months time.

I had my target - losing 6 BMI points (is that the right word? Are they points? If not, what the heck are they!?).

As we left the hospital, Mr B turned to me and said "So, how much weight is 6 BMI points, then?".

I looked at him, shrugged my shoulders and replied, "I've got no f*cking idea".

It didn't matter - all I knew was that I was going to try my hardest to lose it.

As it turns out, losing 3 stone would put my BMI at 39.8.

Losing 4 stone would put it at 37.4.

My aim is to lose 3 stone by October 23rd.

It's not going to be easy, but I am determined.

Hospital Update

So, yet again, I've not updated for a while.

Sorry about that.

Since I last updated, we've had our appointment at the hospital. It actually ended up being sooner than anticipated because the consultant pulled it forward by a week - giving me 2 days notice.

So, TheFear that was bubbling under suddenly hit boiling point and I went into a bit of a tail spin.

My biggest fear was that I'd be told to go away and not come back until I'd lost half my body weight. I also worried that I'd get little or no support and be no better off than I was 6 months ago.

What actually happened is that we left the appointment feeling quite positive.

We went through all the usual stuff  - how often do you have periods, how long have you been trying, when were you diagnosed. I quite liked that she knew most of the answers - she'd actually read my notes, rather than just carrying around the folder as a prop...

My weight did come up, in the "it must go down" sense, and that was no surprise. When she told me that I needed to lose weight, I asked her to give me some sort of target. I told her that telling me to lose weight wasn't going to work for me - I could come back in a week and have lost a pound, but we all knew that that wasn't what she meant. I also pointed out that, in the past 7 years, I've tried Slimming World, Rosemary Connely, Low GI, high protein, metabolic rate diets - you name it, I've tried it, and I'm still not really any better off.

She told me that if I were a "normal" person, she'd say that I wasn't trying hard enough but, as I have PCOS, she knows that I probably am trying really hard, and not getting anywhere.

That in itself was reassuring. I think that's the first time that a doctor has actually acknowledged that "must try harder" is not an appropriate response when I say I'm trying to lose weight!

She told me that I needed to have "shown progress" in my weight loss by my next appointment in 4-6 months time. In the meantime, she would refer me to a dietician and I could get some support from them. She is also sending me for an ultra sound as I've not had one since diagnosis in 2002, and a HSG to check my tubes.

It felt positive.

They did my BMI. It's 46. She set me a target of a BMI of 40 or lower before my next appointment.

"Shall we make your next appointment for 6 months time?" she said

"Nope," I replied, "I want it in 4. You've given me the target that I wanted, now I just need to get on with it".

Our follow up appointment is October 23rd

Have you tried...

I've always been really honest with people about my PCOS and how it affects me.

It hasn't really occurred to me that it wouldn't be the same when we started on the baby making path. Mr B would probably prefer that I didn't talk to our friends about it (although he knows I do), but so long as I don't talk abou tit to them in front of him, he's ok about it.

What has amazed me about it has been some of the comments that I've had about it from people that I thought would know better.

For example, my mum text me to say "[My colleague] who has PCOS said to try Agnus Castus and Evening Primrose...".
Thanks Mum. I've tried that.

Another friend text me to tell me that her friend (who has PCOS) is pregnant for the second time and she used the fertility friend app. Maybe I should give that a go.
Thanks buddy. I subscribed 2 years ago.

I think people forget that, although we're only just starting to get the doctors involved, we have been trying this for a while. Over 2 years in fact. I've taken the supplements. I've charted my temperatures and checked my cervical mucus. I've tried tipping myself upside down after we've done the deed. We've tried doing it every day. We've tried doing it every other day.

I know they're only trying to help, but it makes me want to scream!!

My own kinda funk

So yet again, it's been a while since I blogged.

I've been in a bit of a downward spiral of self pity since The Results came in. It's not been helped by the fact that I've spent a lot of time on my own as Mr B has been decorating his study. It meant that in the evenings and at the weekends I've been left with a lot of time to spare, hanging out in my own head, which is never a good thing!

I went for my day 21 progesterone test 2 and a half weeks ago. When I rang on the Friday for my results (purely out of curiousity) the receptionist told me that the Dr wanted to see me for a routine appointment to discuss the results.
This confused me a little, because my understanding had been that whatever the results were, my Dr was going to refer us (the actual test was more of box ticking exercise than anything else!). After a bit of an argument with the receptionist, I finally got to speak to a Dr about the results, and it turned out that MY Dr hadn't seen the results - it was another Dr that was requesting an appointment.  (If you've stuck with that, well done!)

ANYWAY, the long and short of the story is that I'm not ovulating. At least, I wasn't ovulating the day I had the blood test.

Although I've known for more than 10 years that I've got PCOS and my fertility was going to be an issue, it's all been much tougher than I thought it was going to be.

When we got the results from Mr B's SA, it was massively bittersweet for me. I was over the moon that everything was good for him, but felt like all the pressure was on me if we were going to have a baby.

Then, when we found out that I'm not ovulating (maybe), that felt like another slap in the face for me, too.

Like I said, I've had too much time in my own head with this stuff recently.

I'm on the up though, I promise ;-)

"You're quite lucky there, then..."

When I went to visit my dad and his wife at the weekend, they asked about whether Mr B and I had any holiday plans for this year.

That seemed like the right time to explain that, at the moment, we're not making any holiday plans for this year because we're having fertility tests and we don't know what's going to be going on. (Side note - this isn't us "putting life on hold", this is us not wanting to commit to an expensive holiday later in the year if there's a possibility I might be up the duff and not want to travel. That said, it's not looking likely that that will be the case this year, so we're probably going away after all. That's a whole different story, though...)

My dad and his wife are aware that I have PCOS, but I'm not sure they really understand what it means. I've talked to them about it before, and my dad at least seems to understand that being a mum is something that I really want, and I'd love nothing more than to make him a Grandad.

My dad's wife, on the other hand, is pretty awful. We don't get on - not just in a wicked step mother way - she's genuinely not a very nice person and I wouldn't get on with her whatever. In fact, I wouldn't chose to spend time with her if it weren't for my dad.
She doesn't have any children of her own, and apparently doesn't have a maternal bone in her body. She is, quite frankly, weird and insensitive, and doesn't really "get it".

I explained that, while we knew about my PCOS and that being a problem, Mr B had to be tested, too, and until we knew what route we'd have to take (and ultimately how much it might cost) we didn't want to commit to an expensive holiday.

At which, she said "Is that what you think it is, then - this PCOS". I said "Well yeah, we know that's having an effect. I'm pretty sure I'm not ovulating, and only have 4 or 5 periods a year, so...".

Her reply? "Well, you're quite lucky there, then".

I looked at her and tried to get my head round what she'd said. Had she really been as stupid to suggest, after I'd just told her we were having fertility tests done, that I was quite lucky. Apparently yes.

I turned to her and said "What, you mean lucky that I don't have many periods? Yeah, I guess I am. Except it means my body isn't working properly and I can't have the baby that I want. So, not really that lucky after all. Idiot".

I expect insensitive comments from people, but sort of assumed that it would be "outsiders" making them.

I was wrong....

Why Can't I Just Do it!

I know what I need to do.

I know how to do it.

I know why I'm doing it.

So why can't I just do it!

Let me put it another way:

I know that I need to lose weight by following a sensible diet and exercising and that by doing it I'll be helping my PCOS symptoms and improving our chances of having a baby. So, why can't I just do it!!

I gave up smoking relatively easily. I consider myself an ex smoker - I haven't craved a cigarette in such a long time that I don't even remember what it was like to be one of those people that had to nip out for a smoke on a night out - I really don't.

So why can't I apply that same will power to losing weight. The end goal of losing weight is a much bigger (and better) one than the end goal of stopping smoking (which, at the time was to save money).

Maybe that's what the problem is.

Still.

Doctor Doctor...

Mr B and I are going to the doctors on Tuesday to talk about TTC and how it's not really happening for us.

I'm a bit nervous.

Actually, that's a massive understatement.

I'm petrified.

It feels like, by going to the doctors, we're admitting that we're a failure.

I'm lucky that I was diagnosed a long time ago, so I've known for more than 10 years that having a baby wasn't going to be easy. But I suppose I haven't really believed until now. Until we're having to ask for help doing the thing that should be one of the most natural things.

I can't keep doing it...

I always thought that I would do whatever I needed to do to earn money (well, within reason, obviously).

If it meant that I worked in a supermarket stacking shelves in order for us to have enough money to pay the mortgage, that's what I'd do.

When I gave up my job in December, I didn't know what I wanted to do next.

I didn't know what sort of job I wanted, I just knew that I didn't want to be doing what I was doing anymore, and I certainly didn't want to be doing it in London. I'd been there for five and a half years, had gone as far as I was going to go, and couldn't see a clear line of progression for me.

I started my new job in February. The agency that I got the job through told me it would be a varied, busy role, with lots of contact with regular customers. A customer service role, but with a bit of selling involved, too. On the phone, chatting to people, building relationships.

The agency lied.

The job isn't customer service, and there sure as hell isn't ANY selling involved. It's a data entry job. It's a mindless job. It's a school leavers job. I hardly ever speak to anyone. If I do, it's to ask them to resend their fax because it hasn't come through properly.

That said, the money is good, and the perks are amazing. But there's no responsibility, and I know that when I leave at 4.45 every evening, I won't think about or stress over anything. Hell, I hardly think or stress over anything while I'm there, so I'm definitely not going to do it when I'm at home!

The trouble is, I don't care enough. I don't care if the order has been fulfilled properly. I don't care if the delivery has arrived, and whether the stock that's delivered is the right stuff or not.

So now I'm thinking that I need to change jobs. Again.

But I don't know what to.

The difficulty is that most people make their career choices when they're between 16 and 18. I had no idea what I wanted to do at that age. I hardly have any idea what I want to do now, if I'm honest! Mr B, on the other hand, knew he wanted to be an accountant. So, he left school, got a job at an accountancy firm, studied for his exams and has been really successful at what he does. He's been doing it for over 20 years. He enjoys it. He has a career.

I never made a career choice at that age. I think that some of that comes from the fact that I was diagnosed with PCOS at the same sort of time. From the point of diagnosis (or more accurately, from the point of being told that I might never have children) my sole ambition has been to be a mummy. Everything else - work, social life, everything - was all just a stop gap between then and me getting pregnant.

So I didn't go to university. I didn't specialise in any particular sort of job. I've worked in a shop, a post room, in telesales for a newspaper, as an office manager for a team building company, and now as a customer service exec data entry clerk.

I don't even know what my magic wand job would be.

But I do know:  

• I want to be challenged
• I want what I do to matter
• I want to deal with PEOPLE, not faxes and emails (although I happy to have a telephone between me and said people!)
• I want to use my brain
• I want progression - I'd like to end up managing people - helping other people achieve what they want to achieve makes me feel happy

Any ideas what I should do?!

The Joys of PCOS

One of the actual joys of PCOS is the Verity Website, particularly the discussion boards.


The boards are full of lots of lovely ladies who all suffer with have PCOS.

Through speaking with them online and asking questions, I've learnt that I'm not the only one.

I'm not the only one who struggles every times someone else announces their pregnancy.

I'm not the only one that struggles to resist all those beautiful carbs (Is there anything better in this world than fresh white bread?! I doubt it).

I'm not the only one whose moods swing from high to low.

I've used the Verity website for help, support, friendship and laughter a lot over the past few years.

They are truly inspirational women.

If I need someone to keep me on track with my diet, there's someone there to help me.

If I need someone to tell me that I will one day be a mummy, there's someone there to tell me that.

Or, if I need some ideas for a fancy dress party, there's LOTS of people to help with that, too!

The boards, and the women on them, really are a joy of PCOS.