Inside, I'm crying

There is literally so much going on in my head that I want to get out that I just don't know where to start. And if I do, I don't know that I'd be able to stop. And I'm not sure that this is the right place, either. But I'm going for it. In brief, at least

ooOOoo

My brother is doing much better. We've talked (in so much as I said "How're you doing?" and he said "Fine, but I don't want to talk about it anymore"). I'm incredibly proud of him and the way he's getting his shit together. He's a nicer person to speak to and spend time with, and he's dealing with stuff really well.
It's weird how other people's opinions differ to your own though, isn't it? I was telling my friend about what's been going on with him lately, and mentioned that he couldn't afford to come and spend a weekend with Mr B and I and get away from home. She replied with "What, he can't afford to come and see you, but he can afford to go and get tattooed? Seems a bit shit". Actually, no. He gets a MASSIVE discount at the tattooist due to the amount of money he's spent there in the last few years, and the business he's put their way. AND I think getting tattooed, for my brother, is a way of making himself feel better. Whatever. I get it, and I don't care what any body else thinks. I love him, I'm proud of him, and I think he's awesome.

ooOOoo

We went back to the consultants last week. It was as vile as last time, except I spoke up for myself this time. I told her that I thought that she was rude and dismissive, and no matter what she thought, or whether I'd lost the weight or not, I was a human being with feelings and she had no right to speak to me like I was a piece of sh*t.
I was angry.
She was shocked.
I cried.
She apologised.
I win.

Ultimately, we're no further along, though. They still won't do anything to help until I've dropped at least three stone. The consultant suggested that I see my personal trainer more than once a week - she didn't want to pay for it, though, so that won't be happening.
I went to the drs afterwards, and they've given me a prescription for Orlistat to help with my weight loss mission. It's not the first time I've been offered it, but it's the first time I've said yes. I feel like a failure for saying yes, and haven't yet "got round" to getting the prescription filled. But, if I want a baby, I need to lose the weight. And if diet and exercise alone isn't helping, I need to bite the bullet and try everything that they're offering. Except a gastric band. Which is offered far too easily, in my opinion.
I was also prescribed a tablet to bring on a period, because I haven't had one since Feb. Although I have been spotting since. Great. Except it means I don't remember the last time we did the deed, which isn't helpful when you're trying for a baby!

ooOOoo

It was my brother in law's girlfriend's 30th birthday yesterday and he organised a surprise meal for her. Not long after they got there, they announced that he'd proposed yesterday afternoon. NOBODY was surprised. They've been together for 18 months, she moved in after 6, and actually we're surprised it took this long. 

What we were surprised about (and a little bit confused by, if I'm totally honest) is that they booked the wedding venue TWO WEEKS AGO. BEFORE HE HAD PROPOSED. So she knew he was going to propose, but not when. 

Oh, and the wedding's in June. This year. So that's 6 months time. 

It all screams shotgun to me. Nothing has been mentioned about a baby, but when he told us it was this June, it was my first assumption. And the fact that they haven't said she isn't is a bit odd, too. I nearly asked but knew that if she was I wouldn't be able to stay there, in a room full of strangers and pretend to be thrilled for them. So I didn't ask. But I want to know. 

My mother in law has said that it's "a question that needs to be asked", so I don't think it'll be long before she's asked them. 

I'm predicting an August baby. 

And a lot of heartache heading my way. 

ooOOoo

So that's me, and my tales of woe. 

For now.

Peace out. 

xx

Mini Targets

3 stone. 4 months.

It feels like a pretty mammoth task.

It is a pretty mammoth task.

But, I'm going for it.

I've split it down into stone size chunks, and I know when I need to have done them by. I want to have lost my first stone by July 29th. That's 6 weeks from when I started.

Mr B has been awesome. We went for lunch after our appointment and had a lovely meal, then had a "naughty" supper in the evening. He's taken all sweets / chocolates / biscuits out of the house and is keeping them in the drawer at work, and he's been more supportive than ever.

We're going to the gym together. I'm going to the gym on my own.

Two weeks in, I've lost 6lbs.

I WILL DO THIS!!

They're everywhere...

I'm obviously talking about babies.

It seems that, at the moment, they're everywhere.

I have three friends on Face.Book that have just had their second baby and two others that have just announced their pregnancies.

A guy at work is expecting his first baby, and another woman is due to become a grandmother at the end of the year. And I'm pretty sure that one of the other women at work is pregnant, too. Which means I've got the joys of her ever-growing bump and pregnancy symptoms for the next few months.

I sound really bitter and twisted, don't I?

I'm not. I am genuinely happy for every single one of them and the little miracles they have created.

I'm just impatient for my own little miracle.

Another kick in the teeth??

There's talk on Face.book that another of my cousins is pregnant.

She's 19.

She's been with her fiance for less than 2 years.

She doesn't have a job (in fact, i'm not sure she's EVER worked).

How is that fair!? Why should she be allowed a baby and I'm not.

Grrrr!!!!

Whoop Whoop!!

I was just chatting with my friend on Face.Book.

She has PCOS, too. She and her fiance have a 7 year old daughter, and they've been trying for another baby for as long as I've known her (about 6 years).

She had Ovarian Drilling in December, and she's just found out that she's pregnant. Maximum of 8 weeks, but she's not entirely sure on the dates.

I am so fricking excited for them!!

I'm also a little bit excited for me, too... She, like me, has a few pounds to lose, and it's really encouraging that they have finally managed to get a sticky bean. I feel like it's given me a bit more hope.

On the flip side, we went out for Mr B's 40th birthday with some of his friends. One of them is due to have her 4th baby within the next 2 weeks, and another is 12 weeks pregnant. The one who is 12 weeks pregnant is still smoking up to 20 cigarettes today.

It's her third baby, and she has smoked constantly throughout all of the pregnancies. She's 24, and when the baby's born, she'll have three children under 25.
One of my friends was there, too. She and her husband have struggled to have a baby for the past 3 years. She turned to me when the pregnant one went for a cigarette and said "do you ever feel that some people just aren't worthy".

That just about summed it up.

Baby Brain

No, this isn't an announcement about an exciting BFP.

Far from it.

More of a realisation that another year has passed without sight or sound of a baby for Mr and Mrs B.

And it seems to be taking over every waking moment. Even this morning as I was cleaning in the spare room, I was mentally working out how I'd need to change the room around to fit in a cot. Or I lay in bed at night wondering whether a moses basket would fit in there, or would we need to get rid of some of our furniture?

It's become a bit of an obsession for me - again.

I go through phases like this. I can go months without ever really thinking about the baby thing. Other times, it's all I can think about, and as though everything I'm doing is aimed at us having a Baby B to call our own.

Usually, these obsessive periods are triggered by something - a friend or colleague getting pregnant or having a baby - but nothing like that's happened this time. Although some of my thoughts do centre around which of my friends will be pregnant before me.

My friend got engaged not long before Christmas, and although they're not planning their wedding until 2012, I've managed to convince myself that they'll be married and have a baby before Mr B and I.

It's not healthy, and it's doing my head in, but I think I might just have to let it take its course and hope the obsession goes before too long!

That's not right...

So, I don't know what's wrong with me, but something isn't right.

Obviously, I had the crying episode on Sunday.

That's not right.

I felt nauseous all day yesterday.

That's not right.

I am absolutely shattered - struggling to keep my eyes open, shattered, despite a great night's sleep.

That's not right.

I feel sick again today.

That's not right.

Mr B did joke that it might be a baby in my belly. I decided that wasn't as stoopid as it sounded, so did a test. It was, unsurprisingly, negative. AF is due this week, so I might be feeling the way I'm feeling because of that. Or because I'm genuinely ill. Who knows?? If AF doesn't arrive by Sunday, though, I'll test again and see what happens...

xx

P.S. I was supposed to have my gym thing last night, but I cancelled because of feeling ill. Lame, I know. I will re-schedule for this weekend, though. Promise

6 weeks to go...

Well, it's 6 weeks today until we go on honeymoon.

Which means it's 6 weeks today until we officially start trying for a baby.

Which means I've got 6 weeks to lose a whole lot of weight.

Starting NOW!!! No more messing.

I want one!!

Well, the babies have been in.

And they're beautiful.

They're 6 weeks old, and they were so teeny tiny!!

They were born at home within 45 minutes of the labour starting, and they don't know who is the oldest because Dad wasn't sure which one flew out first! So funny!

They think one of them has acid reflux and she cries A LOT, but even so, I wanted to steal her away.

In fact, I would've stolen them both, and they're big brother, too. They're all so sweet.

It's done nothing for my broodiness, and it will probably cause me no end of misery when I actually stop to think about it!

I've also agreed to go and see my friend, and meet her baby, too.

AAAARRRRGGHHH!! I'm a glutton for punishment!!!

xx

Urgh!

Well, I've been ill since last Wednesday. Really, really dizzy - it's been horrible. I've not been able to go to work. I've been to the doctors today, and had a whole load of tests done - blood sugars are fine, blood pressure is fine, heart is fine (I've had an ECG). The only other thoughts the doctor had was that's it's a virus, or I was pregnant.

I've done 3 tests since Wednesday, and it's not the latter. So it's a virus.

Today, when I got back from the doctors and did a test, I was really, really scared. I want a baby so very much, but I was still absolutely petrified. Mr B and I are going on a holiday (actually, our honeymoon) in May - and I wouldn't be able to go away if there was a baby in my belly. How selfish is that??

But, it was a negative result and, for the first time, I was relieved that it was a negative. I know there are plenty of negative results to come, that will break my heart, but this one was a relief.