New Focus

I’ve been a bit off-kilter with the diet of late. I’ve been hovering around the 1st 4lb loss mark for a couple several weeks now, and it’s frustrating me no end.


It’s also the cusp of me dropping into another weight bracket, too, and I feel like it’s a bit of a mental barrier that I’m struggling to get over.

The annoying thing is that I know the diet works. I know I can lose the weight if I stick to it. And I know I feel better when I do.

But for some reason I just can’t seem to stick with it at the moment.

I think part of my problem is that I’ve got used to the diet – I don’t need to keep checking what I’m supposed to be having, so it’s easier for me to cheat (she says, munching on a chocolate cookie – WTF?!).

So, this week, I’ve decided that I’m going to complete a food diary, for the first time since I started this diet. I’m hoping that, if it’s written down, I will be more aware of what I’m eating, and how I’m going to do.

I haven’t been to aerobics for about a month, either, and that’s frustrating too, as I was really enjoying it. I actually booked the class yesterday but ended up cancelling because I was tired.

I’m so lame.

Back in the groove?

I think I'm finally getting my mojo back...

I've had a few flashes of bloggy inspiration, but no time to put pen to paper (although that should be fingers to keys!).

It was my Pap's 80th birthday in the week, and we had a bit of a family gathering for him. Not everyone was there (there's some politics involved in that!), but this picture is me (far right), my grandparents and a few of my cousins. There are 13 of us in total, so we were a bit lacking.

I love that my Grandma doesn't seem aware that we're all pulling faces and my brother (next to me) is doing his best catalogue pose!

We drank, we ate, and we were very merrry - and we all agreed we don't do it often enough, which probably means we do!!!

Bad Blogger...

I know I haven't really blogged for a couple of weeks, but I haven't really been feeling it.

Hoping to get my mojo back soon, though, and I'll be back when I do....

The Joys of PCOS

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One of the Joys of PCOS that really affects me is depression and mood changes.
To say my moods have peaks and troughs is probably one of the biggest understatements EVER! I seem to constantly live in a state of PMS, and poor Mr B rarely knows whether he's coming or going.

I've actually been diagnosed with depression twice - once 6 years ago, when Mr B and I were looking to buy a house and I was unhappy at work; and then again 2 years ago in the run up to our wedding - but I think I also had it in my second year at college back in 2002.

I have a good idea when things are getting bad, and I tend to be able to shake it off - either with a good cry, a bit of me time, or by getting to the gym and working it out of my system. But I do live in a constant fear that I'll end up ill again - that I'll end up taking pills, reliant on medical help to feel happy again.

And there is so much stigma linked with things like depression and mental health. Personally, I'll talk to anyone that wants to listen about my issues! It's a part of me, and what makes me tick. It's not always pretty and it's not always nice, but it's part of what makes me me. I don't want sympathy. I don't want mollycoddling, and I don't want to be pandered to, but I do want someone to listen, not judge me, and let me cry on their shoulder every now and then.

My moods are obviously affected by other things going on around me. At the moment, for example, I'm having a bit of a tough time. I feel lonely. I feel like I'm a disappointment to Mr B and my family. I feel like I'm letting myself down with my diet. I miss my family.

But I know it all boils down to the fact that I'm not happy at work. So, in turn, I know that if I fix that, a lot of my other "issues" will sort themselves out.

And, in the meantime, a bloody good cry helps, too!

It's not like you've got children to worry about...

First off, sorry for being a quiet last week - don't really know why, just didn't really have much to say, I guess.

Two of my friends are leaving the UK to go travelling at the beginning of September. They'll be gone for a year, and will visit Thailand, Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia and Australia. It's going to be an amazing adventure for them both.

On Friday they had their work leaving do (not only are they a couple, they're stupid enough to work together, too!), and invited me along. I wasn't too keen on going, as I haven't seen most of my old colleagues since I left at Christmas, but knew if I didn't go on Friday, there was little chance of me seeing them before they left.

In all, it wasn't too bad - it reminded me that the majority of the people I worked with were (are) absolute idiots, and also reminded me that I could do better work-wise, but other than that, it was fine, and quite nice to catch up with some of them.

As I was leaving, though, my old manager (who actually doesn't work there anymore because she left to have children, but is married to one of the directors) expressed how jealous she was of our travelling friends. "I'd love to go and see the world, but we've got the kids now", she said, looking all sorry for herself. "Why don't you and Mr B go, though? It's not like you've got children to worry about or anything".

I floundered about a bit, and told her that travelling for a year just didn't interest me (it doesn't) and that I couldn't think of anything worse (I can't) but good luck to those that want to do it.

But her comment stung a bit. Especially considering that she's someone that I had quite a few conversations with about my wanting children and the difficulties facing us in getting them. AND knowing that she herself had to have IVF to get her children made it feel a bit weird, too - they chose to have the treatments they had to have their children, so why then look so downcast about now being tied to the UK  and not being able to travel the way she'd like?

It didn't much make sense.

But, I wish my travelling friends all the best for their adventure. I will miss them both, but can't wait to read all about their adventures along the way.

Weekly Weigh in

In order to hit my 4stoneby2012 target, I should be showing a 2stone total loss by today.


That hasn't happened.

I weighed this morning and I had

GAINED 3LBS!!

I’m not completely surprised by it, though. I haven’t really stuck to the diet this week, and I’ve had horrible constipation, too – I don’t think I’ve really been to the toilet since Sunday (Am I taking the sharing too far with that information?!).

I’ve also managed to (sort of) convince myself that I’m pregnant. Until this morning, Fertility Friend was telling me that I was 18DPO, with a temp that was steadily increasing. Mr B and I had decided that we’d wait until I was home from visiting my mum before we tested. That’s on Sunday, so I’m waiting till then.

This morning, though, fertility friend changed my ov date to 4 days ago, which means I’m now 4DPO, with little chance of actually getting a BFP because we haven’t really DTD this week. I’m still going to test on Sunday, though, and see how I get on.

I’m probably not going to be great today and tomorrow because I’m at mum’s, so once I know what the deal is cycle wise, I will get back on it with the diet. I still have just enough time to get to the 4stonby 2012 target if I’m super good, super focussed and super active.

It's funny because it's true...

see more Funny Graphs

Jewellery latest

Mum has been making jewellery for weeks.

We've actually made a profit with what we've sold, too.

We're going to look at setting up a folksy shop to sell some stuff.

Exciting!

Grr!

Almost three weeks ago, Mr B and I went to Tiffany's to buy some charms for my bracelet.

We spent a fair amount of money - although definitely not their biggest spenders, for us, it was a lot of money.

They told me that it would take 2 weeks for the charms to be added, and then they'd call me to confirm that it was being posted, and that would take another 3-5 days.

I was expecting to have heard from them by now - at least a confirmation that it was on it's way back to me.

So, I called to chase them. It turns out the work isn't finished yet. It won't be finished until the 5th August. Which means by the time it's posted back to me, it's likely to be closer to 4 weeks before I get it back.

It's not the end of the world, but it is really frustrating. I guess I sort of expected better service from Tiffany. I was obviously wrong.

I was hoping to have the bracelet back before I go and see my folks at the weekend - I wanted to show my dad what I'd spent my Nanna's money on.

Now it'll have to wait. 

The Joys of PCOS

Ah, one of the joys that affects every single day of my life is unwanted facial or body hair (hirsutism).

I didn't start suffering with facial hair (well, not unless you count a bit of dark hair on my upper lip, which I don't, really), until I came off of the pill at 16/17. Then, it just sprouted.

I didn't really know how to deal with it, but did end up feeling like the bearded lady.

I knew I didn't want to shave it - I felt masculine enough having a hairy chin without shaving it every day - but bleaching it didn't really disguise it, either. And people told me that it wasn't really noticeable, so I tried not to worry too much.

It wasn't until I came back from New York and saw this picture that I realised people were outright lying to me - it WAS noticeable, and I really should do something about it!

That's when I plucked up the courage to start waxing. For me, the most embarrassing part about it was having to ask someone to do it. I was so self conscious that I even had to ask my mum to leave the room while I spoke to the beautician about it.

It was the best thing I ever did. I hadn't realised quite how much it was affecting my day to day life and my self confidence until I wasn't faced with it every time I looked in the mirror.

About three years ago someone recommended laser hair removal to me, so I decided to give it a go. I know it works wonders for some women, and the hair goes completely, but after 14 months and almost £650, it became clear that it wasn't anywhere near working for me.

In fact, almost two years on since I stopped having the treatment, I can honestly say that it's worse now than before I had the laser hair removal. The hair seems thicker and more persistent, it seems to grow quicker, and I DEFINITELY have hair in places I never had hair before (my cheeks are particularly bad now). Instead of waxing once a month, I now have to do it every two weeks, and that's at a push which usually leaves me feeling a bit self conscious for the last couple of days.

The hair elsewhere on my body isn't too bad - although I can shave my underarms almost every day, and my legs every other day, but I don't know whether that's normal or not!

I'm lucky that Mr B doesn't notice. And I honestly believe that. Even when I point it out to him, he struggles to see.

In an ideal world, I'd like to be rid of the hair forever. Or at least that on my face - the rest I can deal with!

I'm not sure that that's ever going to happen though, so for now, I just make do with my wax!

The Love of my Life

Thanks to the SITS website, I found Sarah Ruth's blog today. I read her post about her wonderful hubby, and was inspired to tell you all a bit more about the man I call mine.

We "met" 10 years ago this month. Our first contact was via a mutual friend - the internet - in a chat room. It started off as a few words exchanged (if I'm honest, there was a bit of flirting there, too!).

When we first started chatting he told me he was 26 - 9 years older than me, which didn't worry me too much. I didn't see that it was an issue - nothing was going to happen, he was just someone I was talking to online to pass the time when I should've been doing college work.

It soon became apparent, though, that things were a bit more serious than that. That's when he decided that he should fess up about his REAL age. It turned out that he was 30, while I was 17. That put a bit of a spanner in the works, and I told him that I needed to think about what that meant.

We had no contact for a few days, and that's when I realised I didn't care how old he was - I missed him when we weren't in touch.

We exchanged numbers and email addresses, and chatted almost constantly until we eventually agreed to meet in the November.

I'll be honest - if I'd met him in any other circumstance, I wouldn't have looked twice at him. He was everything that I wasn't attracted to - older, receding hairline, not much fashion sense, short and stocky (at the time I was really into tall and lanky!). But, he stole my heart. There's a song by Savage Garden with the line "I knew I loved you before I met you", and that's how I've always felt about him.

We were a "secret" couple for 12 months - one of my friends knew about us, but that was all. We felt that the distance (120 miles), the age gap (13 years, in the end) and the fact that we met online were enough reasons for people to tell us that it'd never work, and we wanted to be sure that we could prove them wrong before we went public.

I told my mum two days after our 1st anniversary. To say she was disappointed that I'd lied to her was an understatement, but she got over it.

It was lovely to be able to talk about him, introduce him to my friends, be a proper couple.

We went to New York for my 21st birthday, in March 2005, and he proposed on our last night there. 4 months later we bought our house, and a month later we moved in. Considering the longest we'd ever spent together was a week on holiday, it was a bit of a shock to the system, but we coped.

On the 7th November this year we will have been married for two years. The 10th of November this year marks 10 years since we first set eyes on each other.

I can't believe it's been 10 years - it feels like yesterday. I can't imagine my life without him in it, and thank him every day for making me who I am.

He really is my better half.

He's not a big fan of the whole blogging thing,
hence just a few sneaky peeks of him!