Inside, I'm crying

There is literally so much going on in my head that I want to get out that I just don't know where to start. And if I do, I don't know that I'd be able to stop. And I'm not sure that this is the right place, either. But I'm going for it. In brief, at least

ooOOoo

My brother is doing much better. We've talked (in so much as I said "How're you doing?" and he said "Fine, but I don't want to talk about it anymore"). I'm incredibly proud of him and the way he's getting his shit together. He's a nicer person to speak to and spend time with, and he's dealing with stuff really well.
It's weird how other people's opinions differ to your own though, isn't it? I was telling my friend about what's been going on with him lately, and mentioned that he couldn't afford to come and spend a weekend with Mr B and I and get away from home. She replied with "What, he can't afford to come and see you, but he can afford to go and get tattooed? Seems a bit shit". Actually, no. He gets a MASSIVE discount at the tattooist due to the amount of money he's spent there in the last few years, and the business he's put their way. AND I think getting tattooed, for my brother, is a way of making himself feel better. Whatever. I get it, and I don't care what any body else thinks. I love him, I'm proud of him, and I think he's awesome.

ooOOoo

We went back to the consultants last week. It was as vile as last time, except I spoke up for myself this time. I told her that I thought that she was rude and dismissive, and no matter what she thought, or whether I'd lost the weight or not, I was a human being with feelings and she had no right to speak to me like I was a piece of sh*t.
I was angry.
She was shocked.
I cried.
She apologised.
I win.

Ultimately, we're no further along, though. They still won't do anything to help until I've dropped at least three stone. The consultant suggested that I see my personal trainer more than once a week - she didn't want to pay for it, though, so that won't be happening.
I went to the drs afterwards, and they've given me a prescription for Orlistat to help with my weight loss mission. It's not the first time I've been offered it, but it's the first time I've said yes. I feel like a failure for saying yes, and haven't yet "got round" to getting the prescription filled. But, if I want a baby, I need to lose the weight. And if diet and exercise alone isn't helping, I need to bite the bullet and try everything that they're offering. Except a gastric band. Which is offered far too easily, in my opinion.
I was also prescribed a tablet to bring on a period, because I haven't had one since Feb. Although I have been spotting since. Great. Except it means I don't remember the last time we did the deed, which isn't helpful when you're trying for a baby!

ooOOoo

It was my brother in law's girlfriend's 30th birthday yesterday and he organised a surprise meal for her. Not long after they got there, they announced that he'd proposed yesterday afternoon. NOBODY was surprised. They've been together for 18 months, she moved in after 6, and actually we're surprised it took this long. 

What we were surprised about (and a little bit confused by, if I'm totally honest) is that they booked the wedding venue TWO WEEKS AGO. BEFORE HE HAD PROPOSED. So she knew he was going to propose, but not when. 

Oh, and the wedding's in June. This year. So that's 6 months time. 

It all screams shotgun to me. Nothing has been mentioned about a baby, but when he told us it was this June, it was my first assumption. And the fact that they haven't said she isn't is a bit odd, too. I nearly asked but knew that if she was I wouldn't be able to stay there, in a room full of strangers and pretend to be thrilled for them. So I didn't ask. But I want to know. 

My mother in law has said that it's "a question that needs to be asked", so I don't think it'll be long before she's asked them. 

I'm predicting an August baby. 

And a lot of heartache heading my way. 

ooOOoo

So that's me, and my tales of woe. 

For now.

Peace out. 

xx

Rough few weeks

I'm not going to apologise (again) for my lack of posts of late - it doesn't seem to make much difference, does it?!

I can't believe it's the 8th December already - where has 2013 disappeared to!?

The past few weeks have been tough - I still haven't really spoken to my dad, so I'm not sure what's going on with that; one of my oldest friend's marriage has broken up - just over a year since the wedding; and my little brother finally admitted last week that he's depressed.

This past week, in particular, has been an emotional one, and I've cried more tears than is healthy for anyone to cry.

I'm so sad for him, and can't help feeling like I've let him down. I thought we were close enough that he would speak to me about how he was feeling, and I'm hurt that he's been sad for so long (he's said since school, and he's 24 now) and didn't feel he could talk to me.

The sensible side of my brain knows that, when I was feeling like that, I didn't want to tell anyone, either. But the big sister side feels that I should've known that he wasn't happy and helped him.

I feel like I've failed him, which also isn't helped by his reluctance to speak to me this week. I'm consoling myself with the fact that he's talking to my mum, and she's talking to me, but it would be nice to speak directly to him and see how he's getting on.

I'm leaving the ball in his court, though - he needs to feel comfortable talking to me, and I've sent him a couple of messages re: giving me a call. When he's ready, he will.

I hope.

All I want for Christmas...

I started thinking about what I'd like for Christmas a few weeks ago... I know that my inlaws will want to know before long and if I don't give them some ideas, then I will end up with something really crap (a candle in the shape of a slice of cheesecake, anyone?!).

I always struggle with what to ask my dad and his wife to get me - they don't really know me all that well, and I just struggle. But, when I was thinking about it this year, I decided that actually, I didn't want a present, but I'd like a day with my dad and my brother. Just the three of us, going out, doing something.

I know 4 people who have lost brother's, sister's, mum's and dad's this year - they're not lucky enough to get to spend a day with them again, and I'm lucky enough to have all of my family and I should stop taking them for granted.

I spoke to my brother about it to see what he thought. "I'm up for it," he said, "but he won't do it. Not without her."

Her. Yeah. So that's my dad's wife. They've been married 4 years, together for maybe 15. The two of us have never got on. She's an evil, manipulative little dwarf, and I have no time for her. To be honest, she didn't endear herself to me when she called me a user and a bitch because I called my dad for a lift one night. I was 17. 

But the day out isn't about her, or Mr B, or them feeling left out. This is about me, my brother and my dad having a day out - to enjoy each other, to have fun and, actually, to get to know each other a bit. 

My mum and dad divorced when I was 6. My brother doesn't remember him ever being at home. We've always seen him and spent time with him at the weekends, but to be honest, he's never been one of those weekend dads that made an effort. Usually, a weekend consisted of me and my brother watching TV on a Saturday morning while he slept; a trip to town; shopping at Tesco; a really late night and "Sunday dinner" at KFC before taking us home. He never went above and beyond - never picked us up from school, or took us out in the week... He had us for 2 days a week, and that was it. 

As we got older, we spent less time with him. I got a Saturday job (like most teenagers) and the money and independence that gave me became more important. 

Still, no effort from him. I'd suggest that we could go for dinner together - he couldn't be bothered. To the snooker club? Nah, not this week. 

So, I can totally see why my brother didn't think he'd be up for it. 

I decided that my best course of attack was to her Her onside first. By appealing to her "better nature", I might be able to convince him.

So I spoke to her. Surprisingly, she thought it was a good idea, and could see where I was coming from. She told me that every Christmas she wondered if that was the last card that she'd get from her dad until 1 year, it was.

Just Dad to convince, then. 

I told him what I thought, asked what he thought and yeah, he thought it was a good idea. That was on Sunday two weeks ago.

On the Monday, he called me to say that he'd been thinking about it, and he didn't want to do it. He, as a husband, couldn't leave his wife at home for a day, and he didn't think it was right for me to do that to MY husband either. 

What the .... WHAT!?!

I pointed out that my husband wouldn't dare tell me that I couldn't spend a day with my brother and my dad, and if he did, I'd tell him where to go. I'm MARRIED, not a a siamese twin. I also pointed out that, when I'd spoken to Her, she'd totally understood where I was coming from and thought it was a good idea. That shut him up. He was using Her as an excuse, and didn't realise that I'd spoken to her, in advance. 

I told him to think about it - again - and let me know. But that I'd be really disappointed if he didn't do it because there are plenty of people that would like to spend a day with a parent that they don't have any more. 

I didn't hear anything for 2 weeks. I didn't think I was that bothered by it, until he eventually called me on Monday. I was expecting a blazing row that would signal the end of our father / daughter relationship - that's how passionately I felt about this day out. 

His next excuse was that he wasn't prepared to do it and have Her not have a Christmas present from us. Because - obviously - at 56, she can't possibly NOT have a Christmas present one year *eyeroll*. 

I pointed out that at NO POINT did I suggest that She and Mr B didn't get Christmas presents. Just that the three of us wouldn't - we'd use the money towards the day out. 

After a bit of huffing a puffing, he's agreed to it. 

For now. 

MAMMOTH post - so sorry! 

So much going on!

There are so many things going on at the moment - so many posts just waiting to be written - but just not enough time to write them.

To a certain extent, I think I'm also trying to ignore the stuff that's going on - if I don't think about it to write it down, it's not really happening, right?!

If you're a new follower courtesy of my post on the Lovely Leah's blog - hello and welcome! As I said in my post over on Leah's blog, I am a bit of an intermittent blogger, for which I'm sorry!

I'm also a bit of a random blogger, too - anything and everything goes!!

Hopefully I'll get some time to blog soon... like I said, much to say, not time to do it! xx

Month One Weigh In

I'm a month in to my 6 month challenge to lose 3 stone before my 30th birthday and I had my first weigh in this morning.

In theory, I need to lose 7lb a month in order to hit my target. In reality, losing anything is a bonus.

So this month, I've lost 4lb.

It's not the best start, but it's not the worst, either. I haven't really been all that good, and I can DEFINITELY exercise more, but it's a loss all the same.

Starting weight (2nd September): 20 stone 2lb
1st month weigh in (2nd October): 19 stone 12lb
Total loss: 4lb
Goal weight (@ 2nd March): 17 stone 2lb

Guest blogger!

Leah from Justmeleah.blogspot.com was asking for guest bloggers while she's on holiday this week and I put myself up for it!

I know I've been a bad blogger here - for which I'm sorry - but you can find my guest post here: http://justmeleah.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/guest-post-mrs-bs-top-5-tunes.html?m=1

Spend some time there,  too - I'm a big fan of Leah and her blog! 

Posted via Blogaway

6 months, 3 stone

So, in 6 months from today,  it will be March 2nd.

That's my birthday. 

To be more precise,  that's my 30th birthday. 

It's fair to say that my life isn't where i envisaged it would be by the time I was 30, but frankly,  it's not worth worrying about.  I have a roof over my head, money in the bank (and a job to help keep it there), my health and a man who loves me.

But, I am trying to think of my 30th as a turning point. A bit like my wedding, I guess.

And with 6 months to go, I am aiming to lose 3 stone. 

Half a stone a month.  Doesn't seem to hard in theory, but considering I've been quite good for the past month but managed to GAIN that amount, it might be more difficult than I'd like. 

I'm only going to weigh every couple of weeks or so, and will try to report back!

Starting weight (something I've never disclosed on here!): 20 stone 2lb
Goal weight (@ 2nd March): 17 stone 2lb